1001 Clean Laughs & Points to Ponder

 

Every now and then it’s time to lighten up, and allow a good belly-laugh or two to rejuvenate our juices.  After all, all work and no play makes Jack a dull person (and you Jills, too)!

 

Over the past few years I’ve collected, mostly from the internet, some of the best, freshest humor that I’ve come across in the course of my daily routine.  I’ve had no interest in collecting off-color humor, or humor that has been told so many times that everyone has heard it at least half a dozen times. 

 

Hold on to your hat - I think you’re going to like these!

 

 

(Those of you who found me through www.word-gems.com, be sure to check out the rest of my website at www.members.tripod.com/whistler4truth. I think you will find my articles, such as “The Cancer Hoax”  and “Eat to Live,” to name a few, real mind expanders!)

 

!!!!!!!

 

"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." --Elayne Boosler

 

***

 

'Writing: For the Sell of It' was the theme of our community college's annual writers' conference. When I called a widely published married author and asked him to be our keynote speaker, my request was met with a long silence. He finally said, "I don't know what I would say to that audience."

 

"You're just being modest," I replied. "I'm sure you're extremely qualified to speak on that subject."

 

He suddenly broke into laughter. "I thought you said, 'Writing for the Celibate!'"

 

***

 

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

 

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

 

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

 

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

 

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

 

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell,' cannot stay on the church roof."

 

***

 

A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.

 

"Just act surprised, and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."

 

***

 

While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

 

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

 

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."

 

***

  

As he fiddled with his high school class ring, the one he got after graduating in 2000, my son Aaron asked, "Mom, I've been wondering. What were you and dad thinking when you gave me the initials ACH?"

 

"Nothing," I answered back. "Why?"

 

He showed me the inscription in his ring. It read: "ACH 00"

 

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

 

***

      

When my husband, Mark, took his beat-up pickup truck to our insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist was sent to look over the truck. Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore. She asked, "What are the age and make of the vehicle?"

 

Mark replied, "It's a '65 Ford." Apologetic about its desperate condition, he added, "It's an old fossil."

 

Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computer and frowned. "Is there a problem?" asked Mark.

 

"Mr. Evans, our computers have a lot of automotive data," she explained, "but it's never heard of a Ford Fossil."

 

***

 

My friend read her son's horoscope and thought it quite appropriate. "You've spent the last few weeks looking for escape," it said. "But now it's time to get on with your life."

 

She had just given birth to him that morning.

 

***

 

The problem - There's a box with a hole at each end and there's a rabbit in the box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end.

 

Half a minute later, his head appears at the opposite end, a fourth of a minute later it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a minute later... etc., etc.

 

How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out of both ends of the box at the same time?

 

In theory, two minutes. In practice, no answer is possible unless you split hares.

 

***

 

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it does enable you to look for it in more places.

 

***

 

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

 

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

"You know you're the only woman on earth."

 

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

 

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

 

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

 

***

 

"One of the traditional methods of imposing statism or socialism on a  people has been by way of medicine. It's very easy to disguise a medical program as a humanitarian project. . .  Now, the American people, if you put it to them about socialized medicine and gave them a chance to choose, would unhesitatingly vote against it." -- Ronald Reagan, 1961 radio program regarding Democratic Party's attempt to pass a national health care bill that year.

 

***

 

Anyone who's ever ridden in a cab in Rome, Italy, knows they're some of the world's most brazen drivers. Oddly enough though, their current accident rate isn't all that bad. I asked one of the drivers one day the reason for that.

 

"Easy," he said. "All the bad drivers are dead."

 

***

 

The little boy's grandfather had taken him for a trip to the zoo and an ice cream. When he came home his mother asked, "Did you thank your grandfather for taking you to the zoo and buying you ice cream?"

 

The boy didn't answer.

 

She asked again, "I said, did you thank Granddad for taking you to the zoo and buying you ice cream?"

 

Still no answer.

 

"You answer me, young man! DID YOU THANK YOUR GRANDFATHER?!?"

 

"Yes," the boy said at last.

 

"Well, why didn't you say so?"

 

"Because he told me not to mention it!"

 

***

 

Actual call center conversations:

 

Customer:   'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get            

             through; can you help?'

 

Operator:   'Where did you get that number, sir?'

 

Customer:   'It's on the door of your business.'

 

Operator:   'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

 

 

 

Samsung Electronics

 

Caller:       'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

 

Operator:     'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

 

Caller:       'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly  

               states that I need to unplug the fax machine from

               the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before

               cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

 

Operator:     'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

 

 

 

Directory Enquiries

 

Caller:      'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'

 

Operator:    'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the            

              spelling is correct?'

 

Caller:      'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B'

              fell off.'

 

***

 

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

 

        "Da End is Near.

         Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now

         Fore It Be Too Late!"

 

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

 

From the curve they heard screeching tires, a big splash and then silence....

 

Boudreaux turn to Thibodaux and axed,

 

Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

 

                                  *** 

 

"A wise and frugal government, which shall leave men free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned - this is the sum of good government." -- Thomas Jefferson

 

***

 

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man, but there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him: his height, or rather, his lack of it. He was very short and apparently sensitive about the subject.

 

One day he stormed through the kitchen doors and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!"

 

Everyone was speechless, except for one waitress who couldn't help herself as she blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

 

***

 

When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy.

 

I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night,

 

"Grandma, where did I come from?"

 

I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you."

 

"Where did Mom come from then?"

 

"The stork brought her, too."

 

"OK, then.... where did you come from?"

 

"The stork brought me too, dear."

 

"Okay, thanks, Grandma."

 

I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was

cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper... "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."

 

 

***

 

 

FIVE THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

 

5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

 

4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the Time

management course you sent me to."

 

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

 

2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

 

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

 

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."

 

 

***

 

 

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

 

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

 

 

1. A Bible. 

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whiskey.

4. A Playboy magazine.

 

'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."

 

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

 

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

 

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

 

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a

skirt-chasing womanizer."

 

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he

entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

 

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

 

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

 

***

 

 

"Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Liberty." (II Corinthians 3:17)

             

***

 

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

 

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again.

 

After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out, "About 20 minutes."

 

"Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

 

"Didn't know how fast you could walk."

 

***

 

New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant." --Dave Letterman

 

***

 

The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

 

"I do."

 

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

 

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win." 

 

***

 

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

 

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

 

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for a second one."

 

***

 

"Nissan announced that they've developed a new car that gets 367 miles per gallon. It's called the Nissan Fred Flintstone." -Conan O'Brien

 

***

 

"If we will not be governed by God, we will be governed by tyrants."

 -- William Penn

 

***

 

When hiring new staff at her public library, my daughter always asks applicants what sort of supervision they'd be most comfortable with.

 

One genius answered, "I've always thought Superman's X-ray vision would be cool."

 

***

 

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

 

The Lord went down in to the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." 

 

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

 

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

 

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

 

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

 

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Heather Locklear. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes!" cried the woodcutter.

 

The Lord was furious. "You liar! That is not your wife!"

 

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Heather Locklear, You would have come up with Tara Reid. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said 'yes' to Heather Locklear!"

 

***

 

"This fall, a team of scientists will shoot lasers at Mt. Rushmore to create a three-dimensional model. If the lasers are effective, Teddy Roosevelt will no longer need glasses." -Conan O'Brien

 

***

 

"General Motors had some good news. General Motors says it's struggling to meet demand for its new 2010 Chevrolet Camaro. G.M. said they're 'sorry, but both of you are going to have to wait a little longer.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

***

 

Dear Tech Support:

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a

slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

 

What can I do?

 

Signed,

 

Desperate

 

-------

 

Dear Desperate:

 

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command

 

C:// I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME

 

and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed,

Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

 

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.wav files.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another

Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash

Husband 1.0.

 

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited

memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

 

Good Luck,

 

Joyce at Tech Support

 

***

 

A man goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

 

Then the priest comes in.

 

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to

confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more

inviting these days."

 

The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"

 

***

 

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. --Jack Handey

 

 

***

 

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around, and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

 

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

 

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

 

***

 

Dangling Participles:

 

 - The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10," with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.

 

- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his  relatives.

 

- Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine  buck as well as her husband.

 

- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.

 

- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.

 

- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.

 

***

 

At our local funeral home families are given the chance to chose the music they would like to enter the service to.

 

One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender."

 

The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.

 

Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."

 

***

 

The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words "Rough Road."

 

***

 

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"

 

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

 

***

 

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 A.M. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 A.M. he went to sleep.

He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.

 

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, "Amen!"

 

***

 

Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence, who he don like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"

 

Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses; and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like you say?"

 

Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.

 

Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"

 

And Boudreaux say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence 13 ft. 6 in.'

 

You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across

de bayou."  

 

***

 

On our way to my parents' house for dinner one evening, I glanced over at my 15-year-old daughter. "Isn't that skirt a bit short?" I asked. She rolled her eyes at my comment and gave me one of those "Oh, Mom" looks.

 

When we arrived at my folks' place, my mother greeted us at the door, hugged my daughter, then turned to me and looking me over with a critical eye said, "Elizabeth! Don't you think that blouse is awfully low-cut?"

 

***

 

Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"

 

"It's mating season," the keeper replies. "They're inside."

 

"Do you think they'd come out for peanuts?"

 

"Probably not," answers the keeper.

 

"Why not?" persists the visitor.

 

"Would you?"

 

***

 

 

New Use for Windex:

 

I haven't checked snopes.com to see if this actually works or not . . . but they say that if you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should sniff some Windex first.

 

It'll keep you from streaking!

 

***

 

A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

 

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

 

However, he was delayed debating the "bail-out packages," so the priest decided to say his own few words while they

waited:

 

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

 

"But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

 

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

 

Moral: Never, never, EVER be late.

 

***

 

Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band.

 

"Why don't you ever wear your ring?" I asked.

 

"It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied.

 

"I know," I said. "It's supposed to."

 

***

 

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible.

He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her.

 

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I'm not that kind!"

 

"Actually, I've never tried to kiss a model before," he protested.

 

"Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?"

 

"Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."

 

***

 

It is impossible to be both selfish and happy.

 

***

 

The prosecuting attorney just could not believe that the jury had found the defendant not guilty.

 

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"

 

The foreman replied, "Insanity."

 

The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"

 

***

 

My husband was telling me about a news item he heard on National Public Radio about how the U.S. military is enlisting honeybees to find land mines. The insects are trained to react to the scent of TNT, then are fitted with transmitters and sent out to search for underground explosives.

 

"When they smell TNT," my husband explained, "the insects hover over the area and the military tracks them to the site to safely eliminate the land mine."

 

"Gee," I remarked, "it gives a whole new meaning to the slogan 'Bee all that you can bee!'"

 

***

 

I was having some chest pains, but my cardiologist assured me nothing was wrong. Then I told him I was planning a cruise to Alaska and asked if he had any suggestions for avoiding the discomfort. "Have fun," he said with a straight face, "but don't go overboard."

 

***

 

Most people would be angry if their company was bought and the new owners replaced them with their own people. Not our neighbor Andy. "You know how it goes," he said, waxing philosophical. "Every circus brings its own clowns."

 

***

 

Following a blowout shindig the night before, a co-worker was looking the worse for wear. "Are you feeling all right?" I asked. "I don't know," she answered slowly. "I think I'm suffering from post-partying depression."

 

                                  ***

 

"At the end of the day, the King and the Pawn go back into the same box" - Italian Proverb

 

***

 

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

 

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

 

***

 

I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me.

 

"Going out?" I called to them.

 

"No," said the man. "Just friends."

 

***

 

I realized the impact of computers on my young son one evening when there was a dramatic sunset. Pointing to the western sky, David said, "I wish we could click and save that."

 

***

 

Another man and I share a locker at work. Noticing that it needed a new combination lock, my partner said he would pick one up on his way to work the next day. It occurred to me later that I might not see him in the morning. How would I find out the combination? I needn't have worried.

 

When I arrived at work I found that he had used the locker before me and had left a note reading: "To find the first number subtract 142 from your high score the last time we went bowling. The second number is 16 less than that. To find the third number subtract 1.87 from the amount you owe me."

 

***

 

 A sign on Washington's Route 8, featuring an illustration of a police car with lights flashing, reads" "If you drink and drive, we'll provide the chasers."

 

***

 

At the beginning of my junior year of High School in Arkansas, our homeroom teacher had us fill out a form stating our future goals. Out of curiosity, I leaned over to see what my friend put down for her aspirations. Where it read "Vocational Plans," she had written, "Florida."

 

***

 

Using a new painting program on my computer, I managed to come up with a very credible still life of fruit. I made a color printout and sent it to my daughter, a graphic designer. She called when it arrived. "Isn't it good?" I asked.

 

She chuckled, and in a tone that echoed mine from years ago, replied, "Mom, it's beautiful. We put it on the refrigerator."

 

***

 

The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one.

 

They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found her- self responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.

 

The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time--we'll miss him."

 

"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."

 

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."

 

But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."

 

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"

 

***

 

"Some people have a way with words, and other people...

not have way." --Steve Martin

 

***

 

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

 

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

 

"What's the matter?" I asked.

 

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

 

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

 

***

 

A famous football coach was on vacation with his family in Maine. When they walked into a movie theater and sat down, the handful of people there applauded. He thought to himself, "I can't believe it. People recognize me all the way up here."

 

Then a man came over to him and said, "Thanks for coming.

They won't start the movie unless we have ten customers or more."

 

***

 

"I had the worst study habits in the history of college, until I found out what I was doing wrong -- highlighting with a black magic marker." -Jeff Altman

 

***

 

"Not until I went to the churches of America and heard her pulpits aflame with righteousness did I understand the secret of her genius and power.  America is great because she is good, and if America ever ceases to be good, America will cease to be great." -- Alexis De Tocqueville (1840)

 

                                  ***

 

One night a father sent his son upstairs to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!''

 

''No. You had your chance. Be quiet and go to sleep.''

 

A minute later the boy screamed, ''Dad!! Can you PLEASE get me a glass of water?''

 

''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.''

 

A minute later the boy yelled, ''Dad, when you come up to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?''

 

 

***

 

I've been reading a new book, if any of you would like to borrow it just let me know. It's called the "Useful Golf Book". It contains some really good articles such as:

 

* How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt

 

* How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee

 

* How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker

 

* How to get more distance off the shank

 

* Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk

 

* Crying and how to handle it

 

* How to rationalize a 7-hour round

 

* How to find the ball that everyone else saw go in the water

 

* Why your spouse no longer cares that you birdied the 4th

 

* How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting embarrassed

 

* How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee

 

***

 

The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.

 

"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.

 

"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. It's always for you."

 

 

***

 

A lawyer was getting fitted for a suit at his tailor's

office. As he was standing there, he decided to have some

fun with the man. "I guess our jobs are pretty similar,"

said the lawyer.

 

The tailor remained silent, so the lawyer continued, "What

I mean is that we're both in the same business - making

suits. And both of our suits end up in a court of law."

 

The tailor said nothing, but continued measuring, so the

lawyer added, "Of course, I went to college and then law

school for seven years to learn how to make my suits."

 

"Yes," said the tailor, "but when I make a suit, it only

costs you a hundred dollars."

 

***

 

"Kia has a new slogan. 'The power to surprise.' I can

understand that. Anytime you put a key in one and it starts,

you're surprised!" --Jay Leno

 

***

 

"The choice before us is plain: Christ or chaos, conviction

or compromise, discipline or disintegration. I am rather tired

of hearing about our rights...The time is come...to hear about

responsibilities..." -- U.S. Senate Chaplain Peter Marshall,

January 13, 1947

 

***

 

 

 

When my daughter was 13, we took a trip to London. As we travel around our country, we see many signs which say "For Rent". The British have signs which say "To Let".

 

At one particular spot in London where we could see many "To Let" signs, my daughter looked around and said, "Where's the i?"

 

***

 

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and fishing equipment, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

 

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

 

I went back into the house and slipped back into bed, where my wife was turned away from me. I whispered to her, "The weather out there is terrible."

 

My loving wife of 20 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?"

 

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.

 

***

 

My wife cannot ride in a car without telling whoever is driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She is, bar none, the worst back seat driver in the world. I have long thought this, though she would deny it. She claimed she seldom, if ever made comments about my driving. I, of course, claimed the opposite. Now I have proof.

 

The other day we were headed for the mall and my daughter piped up, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?"

 

***

 

A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

 

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"

 

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

 

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

 

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

 

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

 

***

 

"Today was actually a very lucky day for me. I woke up this morning, and I got an unbelievable e-mail. Apparently, a Nigerian prince left me $47 million. And all I have to do to claim it, is pay a $500 filing fee. So you won't have me to kick around anymore." -Jimmy Kimmel

 

***

 

"No people can be bound to acknowledge and adore the invisible hand which conducts the affairs of men more than the people of the United States.  Every step, by which they have advanced to the character of an independent nation, seems to have been distinguished by some token of providential agency."  -- George Washington

 

***

 

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"

 

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity."

 

***

 

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

 

"And what will your third wish be?"

 

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

 

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

 

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."

 

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

 

***

 

"China is pitching in for green week. From now on, all toys from China will be made with recycled lead." -Jay Leno

 

***

 

A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate immediately.

 

One of these phones had a sign that said, "Out of Order."

 

Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running!"

 

***

 

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." --Edmund Burke

 

***

 

During a training session at an artillery unit, the sergeant-major was busy describing how the sophisticated aiming device of the artillery weapon system is used:

 

"As you all know, there are 180 degrees in a circle."

 

One of the soldiers put up his hand and said: "But there are 360 degrees in a circle, sergeant-major."

 

"You idiot," replied the sergeant-major, "I am obviously speaking about a small circle!"

 

***

 

"Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity." 

--Frank Leahy

                                                           

***

 

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

 

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

 

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

 

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

 

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

 

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

 

***

 

After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs,

she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or

fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player.

 

Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a

few days later to see how she was managing. "Fine. I listened

to Shania Twain this morning," she said.

 

"The whole CD?" I asked.

 

"No," she replied, "just one side."

 

                                  ***

 

“We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking, only

 

to learn that it is God who is shaking them.” (Charles C. West)

 

***

 

"As the economy lags, the Army is getting more and more selective. They announced this week they will no longer accept drug addicts and felons. So if you're drug addict or a felon, you're not welcomed in the United States Army. The good news: There's always Congress, the NFL, and show business." -Jay Leno

 

***

 

The Economy Is So Bad...

 

     -CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

 

    -Jewish women are marrying for love.

 

    -Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration

     aren't paying their taxes.

 

    -HotWheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

 

    -Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package:

     GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

 

    -McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

 

    -Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their

     children's names.

 

    -A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico .

 

    -The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

 

    -People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

 

    -Motel Six won't leave the light on.

 

    -The Mafia is laying off judges.

 

 And finally ...

 

     -Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.  Hey, great idea ... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

 

***

 

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls Rush Limbaugh and tells him, "Rush, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner."

 

"What did it say on the banners?" Rush asks.

 

Mahmoud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

 

Rush says, "You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream.  I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

 

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmoud asks.

 

Rush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

 

 

***

 

"Our constitution was made only for a moral and religious people.  It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other." --John Adams

 

***

 

President Obama has lifted the travel ban to Cuba. I want to remind people that if they do travel to Cuba, don't forget to set your watch back 50 years." -Jay Leno

 

***

 

I was watching an old George & Gracie episode last night, and their accountant was trying to figure out some of Gracie's deductions:

 

Personal expenses: $120 for a wave -- You see, my friend waved, and when I waved back I drove into a tree.

 

Under health expenses: $50 for a full-length mirror -- That's right, I got it for my father so he wouldn't get pneumonia. You see, before he only had a half-length mirror, so when he went outside he forgot his pants.

 

$75 for goldfish -- Well, I put the goldfish bowl on the phonograph and turn it on so the goldfish get their exercise without having to swim around.

 

***

 

"This whole pirate situation is getting out of control...

two more attacks yesterday. Apparently, what they do is pull up to a ship, fire some shots to scare everyone off, then climb up the side, and then I guess they copy and distribute DVDs." -Jimmy Fallon

 

***

 

I was stationed at Myrtle Beach, S.C., I spent my spare time fishing in the backwaters of the Intercostals Waterway. Soon I became a guide of sorts for some senior noncommissioned officers.

 

Once, a chief master sergeant hooked a 20-pound striped bass.

After he reeled the fish onto the boat, he slipped the hook out of its mouth and released it back into the water.

 

He must have noticed the puzzled look on my face, "Rank does have its privileges. I can't keep a fish that has more stripes than I do," he explained.

 

***

 

"Daddy," said my 11-year-old daughter, "I think I want to join the Army."

 

"Baby," I answered, "I think the Air Force would be a better option for you."

 

"But I don't want to be a pilot."

 

"You don't have to be a pilot," I told her. "There are other jobs in the Air Force."

 

Her answer: "I don't want to be a flight attendant either."

 

***

 

"If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be."

-- Thomas Jefferson

 

***

 

A passerby stopped to watch a baseball game taking place at the local park.

 

"Who's playing?" he asked another observer.

 

"The Masons against the Knights of Columbus," he responded.

 

"What's the score?"

 

"I don't know. It's a secret."

 

***

 

"The economy is horrible, isn't it? Just horrible. Every day there are little reminders that jump right in your face and remind you how bad the economy is. This morning, I wake up, I go downstairs. The Starbucks that was in my living room has closed." --David Letterman

 

***

 

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away." --Billiam Coronell

 

***

 

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

 

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

 

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!"

 

***

 

"It's so simple to sound wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." -Sam Levenson

 

***

 

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."  -Mitch Hedberg

 

***

 

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

 

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

 

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

 

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

 

***

 

Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor's dog, who has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, "I've had enough of this." He rushes downstairs and out the door.

 

Chris finally returns and Pat says, "The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?"

 

Chris says, "I put the dog in our backyard. NOW let's see how our neighbor likes it."

 

                                      ***

 

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher.

 

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

 

The old rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

 

The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

 

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

 

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

 

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs, "Your badge! Show him your badge!"

 

***

 

"Here in New York a museum will display over 200 brooches that belonged to former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. It'll be part of a new exhibit called, 'Why Kids Hate Museums.'" -Jimmy Fallon

 

***

 

 A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?"

 

There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'yes.'"

 

***

 

God is not so much concerned with time, but with timing.

 

 

***

 

Sometimes I wonder..."Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?"...and then it hits me!

 

***

 

"Over the weekend in D.C., first lady Michelle Obama was at a homeless shelter serving food to the homeless. Isn't that nice? Reaching out to the middle class." -Jay Leno

 

***

 

According to a news report, a certain private school in  Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A  number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the Bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

 

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the  next day the girls would put them back. Finally the  principal decided that something had to be done.

 

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there  with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

 

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the  mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

 

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

 

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

 

***

 

"The Obamas are expecting the arrival of the first dog in April. Actually, this will be the Obamas' second choice of a dog. The first dog had some tax problems." -Jay Leno

 

***

 

Although I had arrived 20 minutes early for my one o'clock doctor's appointment, I watched patient after patient disappear into the various rooms. Now, I know things happen, and that more serious issues are typically dealt with first, so I was able to accept that those coming in after me were seen first, But when I was still sitting in the waiting room 1 1/2 hours later, I'd had enough and had become pretty irate.

 

Fortunately, as I got up and went to the receptionist, I calmed down enough to handle it without anger.

 

Instead I calmly said, "I know my son's appointment was for one o'clock. Can you tell me if that was a.m. or p.m.?"

 

***

 

We'll be friends until we're old and senile.  Then we'll be new friends.

 

***

 

Flying through the Midwest in the summertime means one thing: turbulence. I was working as a flight attendant on one particular flight when we hit a patch of very rough air just after a young teenager, obviously on her first flight, had entered the bathroom. After the bumps had subsided, she exited the bathroom, a look of sheer terror etched on her face.

 

"Are you all right?" I asked as I helped her to her seat. "Don't worry,

that turbulence was as bad as it gets."

 

"So that's what it was," she said. "I thought I'd pushed the wrong button."

 

                                   ***

 

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

 

                                   ***

 

One morning, three Cajuns and three Yankees were in a ticket line at a

train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as

the three Cajuns bought just one ticket.

 

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.

 

"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from Louisiana.

 

All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Cajuns crammed into a restroom together and closed the door.

 

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.

 

He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please."  The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

 

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, it was so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

 

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched while to their astonishment, the three Cajuns didn't buy even one ticket.

 

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees.

 

"Watch and learn," answered the three Cajun boys in unison.

 

When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into one restroom and the three Cajuns crammed into another one just down the way.

 

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Cajuns left their restroom and walked over to the one in which the Yankees were hiding.

 

The Cajun knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

 

***

 

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.  -- John Adams

 

***

 

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office." --Aesop

 

***

 

Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.

 

One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?"

 

***

 

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and dry cleaners depressed?

 

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

 

On a more positive note, though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

 

***

 

"I went to the doctor and all he did was suck blood from my neck. Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!" -Mitch Hedberg

 

***

 

"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, un-  married with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison." -Tim Allen

 

                                  ***

 

A woman walked into the elevator tossing her keys up in the air and catching them. After one too many tosses, she dropped the keys, and we watched as they disappeared into the crack between the open doors and the floor.  I felt terrible for her.  Or I did until she cried, "Oh no, not again!"

   

- Reader's Digest

 

***

 

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO

paperwork and was burned out.  Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and, learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

 

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

 

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.  "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

 

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the tail pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire life.

 

***

 

 

Q. - What do you call a toothless grizzy?

 

A. - A gummy bear.

 

 

Q. - How do penguins use the internet?

 

A. - With their web feet.

 

 

Q. - How many vampires does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A. - None! Vampires love the dark.

 

 

Q. - Why was 6 afraid of 7?

 

A. - Because 7, 8, 9!

 

***

 

In a small Texas town, the owner of Drummond's Bar began construction on a new building to increase his business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

 

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

 

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."

 

***

 

 "A family in Brooklyn found a boa constrictor in their couch. They were beginning to get suspicious because they were the only apartment in New York that didn't have rats."

-David Letterman

 

***

 

A taxi cab driver got a call to pick up someone from the airport. When he got there, he was surprised to see a nun waiting for the taxi. As she climbed into the car and gave the driver the address, the driver noticed how beautiful she was.

 

As he drove on, he kept looking into his rear-view mirror at her. The nun couldn't help but notice him looking. Finally, the cab driver said, "You know, Sister, I think you're really quite beautiful."

 

"Well, thank you," she answered.

 

The driver went on, "I've always had a fantasy of kissing a nun."

 

"Really?" she asked. "Well, then, pull over." The driver did so. Then the nun asked him a few questions. "Are you married?" she asked.

 

"No," said the driver.

 

"Are you Catholic?"

 

"Yes," the man nodded.

 

"Well, all right then," she said and stepped out of the car and gave him a big kiss on the lips.

 

The driver felt so ashamed that he decided to tell her the truth. "Sister, I have to tell you the truth: I AM married and I'm NOT Catholic."

 

"That's okay," smiled the nun. "My name's Henry and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

 

***

 

First I had to work late. Then I discovered that I'd locked my keys in the car. But the last straw was learning that roadside service couldn't get a locksmith to me for at least two hours. Finally the guy showed, looking exhausted.

 

As he struggled with my door, I joked, "Do those Slim Jim tools come in

purse-size?"

 

"Yeah," he muttered. "They're called keys."

 

***

 

As a woman in the Marines, I often don't feel as feminine as when I had a civilian job in which I wore dresses and left my hair down. One day I was feeling especially depressed about this and couldn't wait to get home to change. When I arrived, I found that my friend and her 18-month-old daughter had been waiting for me.

 

My friend is married to a Marine, and my worries about appearing less than feminine only increased when her little girl glanced up at me and yelled happily, "Daddy's home!"

 

***

 

I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.

 

It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

 

***

 

Success comes in cans, failures in can'ts.

 

***

 

A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I hadn't once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.

 

"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."

 

"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."

 

***

 

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district-court judge found the perfect green tie to match one of her husband's sport jackets. Soon after, while the couple was relaxing at a resort complex to get his mind off a complicated cocaine  conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a "bug"

planted by the conspiracy defendants.

 

The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C., for analysis. Next week the judge phoned Washington to find out the results of their tests.

 

"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

 

***

 

Two convicts are working on a chain gang. "I heard the warden's daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D,"

the first con says to the other. "The warden's mighty upset about it too."

 

"Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a con?"

 

"No. Because they eloped."

 

***

 

My partner and I pulled our police cruiser up behind a car stopped on the shoulder of the highway. We got out and asked the driver if we could help. No, he replied, there was no trouble; he had just stopped to look at a map. When we turned back, we noticed that his German shepherd had jumped in the open passenger-side front window of our car.

 

"You may think there's no trouble," I smiled, "but your dog obviously thinks he's done something wrong. He's in our patrol car."

 

He laughed. "He probably thinks you've come to take him to work," he replied. "He's a retired police dog."

 

***

 

The other day in Indiana, a woman burst into tears while she was robbing a Long John Silver's and told the cashier, "If I weren't down and out, I wouldn't be doing this."

 

Then the cashier told her, "That's what all our customers say."

 -Conan O'Brien

 

***

 

"Here is a very odd story. A woman in Tennessee is now suing a local

pharmacy after buying what she thought were birth control patches. They

turned out to be nicotine patches. The good news, her new baby is now down to a half a pack a day."

--Jay Leno

 

***

 

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

 

***

 

Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

 

"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."

 

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

 

"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

 

***

 

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.  The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that.

I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

 

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.  I'm looking for my wife, too.  I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

 

The first old guy say, "Well, maybe I can help you find her.  What does she look like?"

 

The second old guy say, "Well, she's 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs and is wearing short shorts.  What does your wife look like?"

 

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

 

***

 

One cold night my furnace died, so I went to my parents' house. In the

morning, a neighbor called to tell me that my water pipes had burst and

flooded my town house and hers. I raced home-and on the way got a speeding

ticket.

 

Then the furnace repairman arrived and told me he didn't think he had the proper fuse but would check in his truck. Meanwhile, the plumber cut holes in my bathroom wall to locate the leak.

 

When the furnace repairman returned, he held aloft a fuse. "I had the right one after all," he said triumphantly. "This must be your lucky day."

                                        

***

 

My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion:

In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.

 

"Who would you pick to portray you?" she asked me.

 

I thought about it for a minute, then answered, "Dennis Quaid."

 

"In that case," she said, "I'll play myself."

 

***

 

Sitting through fire safety and prevention programs can make anyone nod off. So the instructor tried to lighten the mood by going around the room asking where all the guests were from. "Burnt Mattress, Arkansas," called out the friend sitting next to me.

 

"Burnt Mattress!" said the instructor, suppressing a laugh. "I've heard some unusual town names before, but never that one. Where's it located?"

 

My friend shot back, "Right above Hot Springs."

 

***

 

The teacher in an adult Sunday school class asked a woman to read about the Israelites wandering in the desert.

 

"The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!'" she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month - until you loathe it."

 

When the woman finished she paused, looked up and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"

 

***

 

During a bank robbery the police chief told the sergeant to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away.

 

Later the sergeant reports to the chief. "Sorry Sir, but they got away."

 

The chief very angry says, "I told you to cover all of the exits!"

 

"I did," replied the sergeant, "but they got away through the entrance."

 

***

 

A sixth-grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell "before."

 

He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

 

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

 

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

 

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

 

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

 

"Excellent, Johnny. Now can you use it in a sentence?"

 

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

 

***

 

One day during cooking class, our teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.

 

When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

 

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory.

 

"Why wooden spoons?" I asked.

 

"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts."

 

***

 

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.

 

The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"

 

***

 

A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer.

 

The mother skunk calmly instructed her young, "Quickly, children, let's put our heads together!"

 

After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now -- let us spray!"

 

***

 

A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"

 

Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."

 

***

 

She had been thinking about coloring her hair. One day while going through a magazine, she came across an ad for a hair coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that she liked.

 

Wanting a second opinion, she asked her husband, "How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?"

 

He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. "Just great, hon."

 

***

 

Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

 

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

 

I replied: "You really want to know?"

 

Then I dropped out of the race.

 

***

 

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

 

SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch.

 

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

 

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

 

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

 

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

 

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

 

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

 

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

What is your definition of chicken?

 

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

 

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it.

 

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

 

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken doesn't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

 

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.

So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

 

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

 

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

 

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

 

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

 

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

 

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

 

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

 

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

 

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

 

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

 

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

 

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

 

***

 

A family had spent the day moving from their farmhouse into a brand new house in a development nearby. Very early the next morning, their 3 year-old son ran in to the parent's bedroom to wake them up. The mother dressed him and told him to play in the yard. About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

 

"Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "Everybody has doorbells - and they all work!"

 

***

 

The three Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air conditioner.

 

On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The three brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that three gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

 

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

 

They persuaded him to get into the car, in which it was about 130 degrees. They then turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to his office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

 

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner," on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

 

Now, old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on two million Fords.

 

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million, and that just their first names would be shown.

 

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Norm, Hi, and Max on the dashboard.

 

***

 

"The U.S. Army just said that it has managed to increase recruitment by allowing fatter people to enlist. In fact, several new recruits have volunteered for a daring raid on a refrigerator." -Conan O'Brien

 

***

 

A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation.  He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.

 

"What!" shouted his boss.  "I can't give you more time now.  Why didn't you get married while you were off?"

 

"Are you nuts?" he replied.  "That would have ruined my whole vacation."

 

***

 

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Braden, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Braden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

 

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' 

 

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T

error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' 

 

Braden grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

 

'No,' I replied.

 

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

 

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

 

I used to like that kid . . .

 

***

 

Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave."

 

Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?"

 

***

 

 

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.

 

While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

 

The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

 

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

 

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

 

***

 

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists

found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

 

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English

scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

 

One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."

 

***

 

Pauly got a job as a casket salesman in the local funeral home. He's talking to this old guy, who's come in to plan his funeral for "one of these days."

 

"Now, sir," says Pauly, " think you'll want this model. It's a beautiful piece of equipment, and a steal at $4,000."

 

"No," said the old guy, "that's really too much for a casket. How much is THIS one right here?"

 

"Oh," said Pauly, "it's the bottom of the line and is just $1,000."

 

"I think I'd like that one," said the old guy.

 

"Wait just a minute, sir. This casket is very narrow. You just lie down in here and TRY to spread your elbows!"

 

***

 

An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

 

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused, and then said, "Sir, how old are you?"

 

"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.

 

The doctor just sighed and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"

 

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"

 

***

 

Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the perfect tree. Hours later our feet would be freezing, but Mom would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was "just up ahead."

 

One year I snapped. "Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn't exist. It's like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn't dead, doesn't have too many bald spots and is straight."

 

***

 

Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What's this?" she asked.

 

"It's a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to her, I added, "It's for holding up stockings."

 

"Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile, "we'll use it next Christmas Eve."

 

***

 

Our son, Steve, was cutting his lawn with a power mower when it slid down an embankment, lopped off a large chunk of his tennis shoe and badly nicked the tip of his left toe.

 

Days later, Steve was at home recuperating on the couch when his brother-in-law called. "I thought I'd bring over a couple of videos to help pass the time," he said.

 

"Hey, thanks," said Steve. "What are they?"

 

"The Lawnmower Man and My Left Foot."

 

***

 

As the woman was instructing the new maid on the great care required in handling certain valuable household objects, she pointed to the dining room and said with great satisfaction, "That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth."

 

"Oh, that's nothing," the maid interjected. "My whole living-room set goes back to Sears the fifteenth."

 

***

 

"What kind of music do you sing?"

 

"Aqua-pella."

 

"Don't you mean 'a cappella', singing without instrumental accompaniment?"

 

"Nope. I mean 'aqua-pella', singing accompanied only by the water coming out of the shower-head."

 

***

 

My daughter married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four year old son two stuffed bears -- one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb.

 

When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. "See, Connor?" he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. "That's Daddy."

 

Connor's eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, "You used to be a bear?"

 

***

 

The night before she was to attend a celebrity golf tournament, my friend Irene went to a party in honor of the event. Several of the famous athletes who were playing in the tournament were at the door greeting guests. Among them was Joe Montana, the pro football Hall of Fame quarterback and Super Bowl winner.

 

Shaking my friend's hand, he said, "Hi! Joe Montana."

 

She didn't know Joe Montana from Joe Six-Pack, so in all sincerity, as she shook his hand she responded, "Hello! Irene Minnesota."

 

***

 

Ever wonder what medical personnel scribble on those clipboards attached to the foot of the bed? Here are some incredible comments taken from hospital charts:

 

"The patient refused autopsy."

 

"The patient has no previous history of suicides."

 

"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

 

"She is numb from her toes down."

 

"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

 

"Discharge status: Alive but without my permission."

 

***

 

Toward the end of a church service, the minister asked the congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

 

All held up their hands except one small elderly lady.

 

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

 

"I don't have an enemy in the world," she replied, smiling sweetly.

 

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

 

"I happen to be ninety-eight years young," she replied.

 

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have a single enemy?"

 

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived them all."

 

***

 

The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm.  "Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?"

 

"No Ma'am," he replied. "If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle."

 

***

 

An atheist created a case against the Easter & Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized day(s).

 

The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, 'Case dismissed.'

 

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, etc.  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashanah, and Hanukkah. Yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.'

 

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, 'But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.'

 

The lawyer said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.'

 

The judge said, 'The calendar shows April 1st is 'April Fools Day.'  Psalm 14:1 states:  'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool.  Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.

 

***

 

"People magazine reportedly paid Angelina Jolie $14 million  for pictures of her twins. You can read about the deal in  Jolie's new self-help book, 'How to Have Babies for Fun and  Profit.'" -Conan O'Brien

 

***

 

As the shopping center's marketing director, I was putting the finishing touches on an ad. I asked Nancy, the newspaper's sales representative, how to spell "eligible." She wrote it down on a card she fished from her purse. I completed the copy, returned the card to her, and she left.

 

Not long after, I received a call from the manager of one of our shoe stores. He asked if I knew if Nancy was married. I told him I thought so and asked why he was interested.

 

"She just gave me her business card," he said, "and on the back she's written 'eligible'."

 

***

 

Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds that were gathering.

 

"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."

 

Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm in sales, not management!"

  

***

 

A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading a magazine while other patients came and went.

 

Suddenly her turn was called, but when she stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep." Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress.

 

Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you he was a wonderful doctor!"

 

***

 

Three men were canoeing down the Amazon River when they were captured by cannibals. They were told they would each get one last wish before they were skinned and made into boats.

 

The first man wished for a last meal. He was given a sumptuous meal, which was specially prepared with all the best ingredients.

 

The second man wished to be married to the most beautiful woman in the tribe. His wish was granted for his last remaining day.

 

The third man wished simply for a fork. The confused village elders gave him a fork, then watched in horror as he poked himself full of holes and said, "Ain't nobody making a boat out of me!"

 

***

 

During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.

 

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."

 

***

 

Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

 

***

 

We invited some old friends to help celebrate my 40th birthday. My husband went out to buy a gift, and he saw some cute little music boxes. A blue one was playing "Happy Birthday to You." Thinking they were all the same, he picked up a red one and asked the clerk to have it gift-wrapped.

 

When we sat down to dinner, he gave it to me, asked me to open it and -surprise- out came the tune to "The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be."

 

***

 

 

An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout.

 

"Scout, you must use all your thirty years of skills for me and try to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."

 

The trusty Indian Scout lays down and puts his ear to the ground.

 

"Large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. Many, many guns! Medicine man also with them."

 

"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"

 

"No," replied the Indian. "I can see under the gate."

 

***

 

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Toot, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse on this stupid question, I told her that No, I didn't have a dog, but I was starting the Purina Diet again.

 

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

 

I told her No, I stepped off a curb to sniff noses with an Irish Setter and a car hit us both.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was

laughing so hard!

 

***

 

"I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on." -Beryl Pfizer, American journalist

 

***

 

"Everyone's getting into the Halloween spirit this year. The Democratic

candidate changed his name to 'Barack o'Lantern.'" -David Letterman

 

***

 

A woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $2.40 for fast delivery or $1.30 for slower service.

 

"There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is delivered within my lifetime."

 

The postmaster glanced at her and said, "That will be $2.40, please."

 

***

 

A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

 

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."

 

***

 

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.

 

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"

 

***

 

Two drunk farmers are helping each other home late one night, staggering down the railroad tracks. After about half a mile, Vern declares with some annoyance, "Shoot, this sure is a long staircase!"

 

At that Chet slurs back, "Well, it ain't the stairs that're botherin' me so much as these stink'in low handrails."

 

***

 

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

 

The women were arguing noisily even in the court.

 

The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them, said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first."

 

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

 

***

 

'Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of a woman. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses.' --Ivern Boyett

 

***

 

'There are more important things in life than money - but they won't go out with you if you're broke.' --Unknown

 

***

 

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small new England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.

 

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village, and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.

 

There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

 

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously, and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! she chided herself. You're a happily married woman with three children; you're forty-five years old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order, and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

 

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.

 

His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman: 'You put it in your purse.'

 

***

 

'Just six days from today, we'll know for sure exactly which candidate will be suing the other for voter fraud.' -Jay Leno

 

***

 

As an engineer in an upscale hotel, I was asked to repair or replace the television in a guest room. When I arrived, the couple was watching a picture one-third the size of the screen. I knew all our spare sets were in use, so I figured what the heck: I struck the side of the TV with the heel of my hand. Just my luck the picture returned to full size.

                                   

'Look, honey,' said the wife to her husband. 'He went to the same repair school as you.'

 

***

 

'Yesterday in Washington, the Secret Service arrested a man who climbed over the White House fence. The Secret Service told the man, 'Get back here, Mr. President, you have two more months.'' -Conan O'Brien

 

***

 

You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.

You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.

You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.

You cannot build character and courage by taking away men's initiative and independence.

You cannot help men permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.  

 

   --Abraham Lincoln

 

***

 

"The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

***

 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

 

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

 

'What for?' says the lawyer.

 

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

 

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

 

'You still didn't come to a complete stop,' says the deputy. 'License and registration, please.'

 

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

 

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the deputy says.

 

The lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

 

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out a squirt gun and starts spraying the lawyer all over his face. He then asks, 'Do you want me to stop or just slow down?'

 

***

 

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.

 

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, 'The plane is very full with baggage and passengers.' Then she asked, 'How much do you weigh, sir?'

 

Not thinking clearly I answered, 'With or without clothes?'

 

'Well,' said the clerk, 'how do you intend to travel?'

 

***

 

Finally, after years of testing business software, I landed my dream job -- trying out computer games. My first day at work I was listing various ideas in a spreadsheet program when my manager walked by.

 

He looked at my screen for a moment, then said sternly, 'I'd better not catch you using spreadsheets on company time when you know you should be playing games.'

 

***

 

Many hymnals have a hymn called "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear."

 

It seems that one week when the church secretary was typing the Sunday bulletin, she asked the pastor which hymn would come just before the sermon. He replied with the above-mentioned hymn.

 

The following Sunday the bulletin read:

 

Hymn No. 134: "Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear."

 

***

 

The new bride wanted everything to be perfect for the Thanksgiving dinner she was hosting for her in-laws.  so she called the turkey hotline and said, "I bought a 12-pound bird.  How long does it need to cook?"

 

"Just a minute," siad the hotline operator, paging through her reference book.

 

"Thanks!" said the bride as she hung up.

 

(Thanks to Reader's Digest)

 

***

 

 

Why did the potato cross the road?

He saw a fork up ahead.

 

How do you describe an angry potato?

Boiling Mad.

 

Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?

Because he was a commontater.

 

Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?

He desperately wanted a scoop.

 

What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?

Anything, just butter him up.

 

What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?

It's mashing!

 

What do you call a baby potato?

A small fry!

 

***

 

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and

one of his friends burst through the door.

 

"Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"

 

"No."

 

"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."

 

"Some other time; I'm busy."

 

"Dad, you have to meet them now."

 

From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside.

I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.

 

"Where are they?" I asked.

 

"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball

is in their living room!"

 

***

 

A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, "You know, honey, I think there

might be some real merit to what this article says, that the intelligence of a

father often proves a stumbling block to the son."

 

"Well, thank heaven," said the wife, "at least our James has nothing standing in his way."

 

***

 

Q: How do you say "Michael Phelps" in Chinese?

 

A: Ka Ching.

 

(Thanks to Reader's Digest)

 

***

 

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, 'What kinds of ice cream do you have?'

 

'Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry,' the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest, and seemed unable to continue.

 

'Do you have laryngitis?' the young man asked sympathetically.

 

'Nope,' she whispered, 'just vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.'

 

***

 

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

 

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

 

'That's it,' he tells his wife. 'I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.'

 

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, 'Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try.'

 

'That's no good,' sighs Arthur. 'Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help.'

 

'He may be a hundred and three,' says the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect.'

 

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

 

He turns to the brother-in-law. 'Did you see the ball?'

 

'Of course I did!' replies the brother-in-law. 'I have perfect eyesight.'

 

'Where did it go?' asks Arthur.

 

'I don't remember.'

 

***

 

'Here's some good news – a woman in Milwaukee gave birth to a 13 pound 12 ounce baby girl last week. Thirteen pound 12 ounces. Doctors say the baby will be walking before the mother.' --Jay Leno

 

***

 

On my way to a picnic, I stopped at a fast-food place to order a quart of potato salad.

 

'We don't sell it by the quart,' the clerk snapped.

 

'Okay, then give me two pints, please,' I replied.

 

I'm proud to say I held my tongue when she asked, 'Do you want it in one container?'

 

***

 

I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try.

 

Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock.

 

Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, 'The numbers are written on the ceiling.'

 

***

 

"The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there's a huge difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas, people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno

 

***

 

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.

 

"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.

 

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

 

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."

 

"What is that?" Lisa asked.

 

"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.

 

***

 

"All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others." --Henny Youngman

 

***

 

I purchased a telephone-answering machine with a prerecorded message that used a male voice. When Mother returned from vacation, I forgot to mention it to her.

 

The next Saturday, the phone rang and the machine answered. After the message, there was a pause and the caller hung up. A second time and the same result.

 

Then the phone rang a third time. I heard, "This is your mother, I think. If I am, please call me."

 

***

 

"I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence." --George Bernard Shaw

 

***

 

Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in, sits down and asks him what the problem is.

 

"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."

 

"What kind of question?" asked Tom.

 

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly."

 

"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".

 

"Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO...'"

 

***

 

At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.  "Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"  "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"

 

***

 

Footprints in the sands of time are never made by sitting down.

 

***

 

I'm a driving examiner for the state of Indiana, and while I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a red light without stopping. I told him that he had automatically failed the test.

 

We met up with his mother back at the office, and I explained what had happened. At first she was speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran a red light?"

 

"Yes," I replied.

 

"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"

 

***

 

I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order.

I approached the bartender.

 

"Have you ever heard of a drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked.

 

He admitted he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him.

 

"Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"

 

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."

 

***

 

Top brass from the Army, Navy, and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.

 

The Army general called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands and salute. The private quickly complied.

 

Next, the admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly, and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.

 

Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the Army and Navy men had done, but in full battle gear, with pack filled with bricks and loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the Marine general and said, "Sir, you're out of your mind, sir!"

 

The Marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"

 

***

 

After I asked for a half-pound salmon fillet at my supermarket's seafood counter, the clerk picked one out of a pile and set it on the scale. It weighed precisely eight ounces. Impressed, I asked, "How did you know?"

 

Looking pleased with himself, he declared, "I'm psychotic." 

 

***

 

Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I've decided. One lunchtime I watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading mayonnaise on my bread, and noticed part of her grubby work shirt was dragging across it. "Excuse me," I ventured, "your sleeve is in the mayo."

 

"No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."

 

***

 

"A cynic is a man, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."  --Henry L. Mencken

 

***

 

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.

 

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."

 

***

 

"A new study has found that teenagers are drinking less, and they are smoking less. The reason for the decrease is that the teens don't want to be a bad influence on their kids."  --Craig Kilborn

 

***

 

If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal media...

 

On Red Sea crossing:

WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE

Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

 

On David vs. Goliath:

HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION

Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

 

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:

FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed

 

On the birth of Christ:

HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS

Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

 

On feeding the 5,000:

PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH

Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

 

On healing the 10 lepers:

LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED

'Faith Healer' Causes Bankruptcy

 

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:

MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE

Local Farmer's Investment Lost

 

On raising Lazarus from the dead:

FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK

Will Reading to be Delayed

 

***

 

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school.

 

"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be five years from now?"

 

"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon.  I guess I'd be on the golf course by now."

 

***

 

"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit they have tried on a bra. The sad part is, 43 percent of American men actually need one." --Jay Leno

 

***

 

"Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling says she might not stop at 7 books and might make an 8th book about Harry as an adult. When asked why she said, "There's still money in the world that I don't have yet."  --Conan O'Brien  

 

***

 

It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of

waiting customers, a harried-looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?"

 

Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move."

 

***

 

As the boss was leaving the office to play golf, he instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk. Shortly after he left, a member of his foursome called to find out which course they were playing that day. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.

 

"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?"

 

***

 

Forget Rednecks ... here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New

Englanders...

 

You Might Be a New Englander if...

 

... your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May.

 

... someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there.

 

... you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time.

 

... you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.

 

... "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend.

 

... you measure distance in hours.

 

... you know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

 

... you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

 

... you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.

 

... you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.

 

... you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.

 

... you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

 

... the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, you're going 80, and everybody is passing you.

 

... driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

 

... you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.

 

... you have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

 

... you find 10 degrees "a little chilly."

 

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends, you definitely are a New Englander.

 

***

 

"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?" –Emo Philips

 

***

 

Driving through New Jersey on Interstate 80 en route from Pennsylvania to New York, I came upon a group of cars that were abnormally traveling exactly at the 55 m.p.h. speed limit. In the middle of the group was a state police cruiser that everyone was reluctant to pass.

 

After several minutes the officer's voice rang out over his roof-mounted

loudspeaker. "For heaven's sake, move!" he commanded. "I'm a Pennsylvania trooper."

 

***

 

You know what they call the guy who finishes last in medical school? They call him "Doctor". --Abe Lemons

 

***

 

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

 

'Nah,' one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

 

***

 

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.

 

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

 

'All right, son,' asked the father, 'what does that show you?'

 

'Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms.'

 

***

 

'There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this isn't true.' --Ian Hart  

 

***

 

Real Signs and Advertisements...  

 

Signs In a clothing store:  

'Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.'  

 

In the window of an Oregon general store:  

'Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?'  

 

In a Pennsylvania cemetary:  

'Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.'  

 

On a Tennessee highway:  

'Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is  impassable.'  

 

From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat pocket:  

'If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.'  

 

On a Maine shop:  

'Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.'  

 

On a delicatessen wall:  

'Our best is none too good.'  

 

***

 

 My father, an Air Force Academy graduate, still retains a strict military code of ethics as well as a quick wit. One day I mentioned that I was thinking about getting my belly-button pierced.

 

'No way!' my father fired back. 'This is an Air Force family -- no navel destroyers are allowed!'  

 

***

 

During a hike with my friend I noticed a black bird roosting in a nearby tree. 'I've always wondered what the difference is between a crow and a raven,' I said.   

 

'You have to count the pinion feathers on the wings,' my friend explained. 'If there are four, it's a crow. If it's five, it's a raven.'  

 

'Really?' I said, although I knew he didn't have a clue what he was talking about.  

 

'Oh yes,' he replied, 'the difference is just a matter of a pinion.' 

 

***

 

Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the reenactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down.  

 

That's when the Confederate general yelled, 'Fire at Will!

 

***

 

I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped into a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I mis-stepped, and I fell down an entire flight of stairs (13 to be exact). I was bruised and bleeding and had torn my jeans ... but my main concern was, naturally, for my child.

 

My fears were alleviated, though, when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"

 

***

 

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just go 'chunky dunking.'

 

***

 

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

 

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos.  And they start reminiscing.

 

"This is my oldest son, Mohammed.  He would be 24 years old now."

 

"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.

 

"He's a martyr now though," mum confides.

 

"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.

 

"And this is my second son, Kalid.  He would be 21."

 

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."

 

"He's a martyr too." says mum quietly.

 

"Oh, gracious me ..." says the other.

 

"And this is my third son.  My baby.  My beautiful Ahmed.  He would be 18,"

she whispers.

 

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

 

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

 

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says,

 

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

 

***

 

"Police in Germany say they arrested a man in a wheelchair for breaking into a building. They say the man would have gotten away, but they shot out his tires." -Conan O'Brien

 

***

 

Sally phoned her husband, Bill, at work for a chat.

 

"I'm sorry dear," said Bill, "but I'm up to my neck in work today. I don't have time to chat."

 

Sally replied, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."

 

"OK, darling," said Bill, "but as I've got no time right now, just give me the good news."

 

"OK," agreed Sally. "Well, the air bag works!"

 

***

 

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

 

***

 

Quasimodo comes down from the bell tower and goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.  

 

"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.  

 

"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.  

 

"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch." 

 

***

 

"The other week I went to see my doctor ... I was in the waiting room, and I decided to pass the time finishing a novel. But the other patients complained about the noise of the typewriter." --Arthur Brown  

 

***

 

While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than ( > ) and a less-than sign ( < ) on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?"

 

A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"

 

***

 

"Don't worry, I can stay out late tonight," Joe told his friend Bob. "My wife's gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean."  

 

"Jamaica?" Bob asked.  

 

"No, it was her idea."

 

***

 

Past experience should be a guide post...not a hitching post.

 

***

 

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

 

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."

 

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

 

About half the class rose and came forward.

 

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher. "These students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter in the Book of Mark."

 

***

 

You know you're a lousy cook if...

 

-your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire alarm.

 

-anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.

 

-your kids know what 'peas porridge in a pot nine days old' tastes like.

 

-your son goes outside to make mud pies, and the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.

 

-your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.

 

-you have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle. (You may have to think about this one for a few

seconds)

 

-your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.

 

-your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.

 

***

 

"Today, Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia filed for divorce. And because New York is a community property state, Cynthia could end up with 268 career home runs."  

 -Conan O'Brien   

 

***

 

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.  

 

The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."  

 

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"  

 

The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...They have them aimed at themselves."  

 

***

 

One of the best things a person can have up their sleeve is a funny-bone.

 

***

 

Nobel Peace Prize winner Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa explains the history of white settlement of his country like this:

 

When the white man came, we had the land and he had the Bible.

 

He said, "Let us pray," so we all bowed our heads, closed our eyes, and prayed.

 

And when we opened our eyes, lo and behold, we had the Bible and he had the land.

 

But you know, we got the best deal!

 

***

 

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we were alongside the road, and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get sooo stressed and little things just seem funny?  Well, I couldn't believe it...he was a DWARF!

 

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I am not happy!"

 

I looked down at him and said, "Well then, which one are you?"

 

***

 

My grandson, Justus, age 10, and his sister Taylor, age 13, were always teasing each other. One day, Justus was getting "sensitive" about things his sister was saying to him. I reminded him that he had said the same types of things many times in days past.

 

With quiet reflection, he spoke a gospel truth: "But it doesn't hurt as much coming out of my mouth as it does going into my ears."

 

***

 

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.  

 

One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the  

scene - what happened?"  

 

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light  

up."  

 

"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"  

 

"About 20 years, sir"  

 

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the  

last thing he'd have done."  

 

"It was, sir."  

 

***

 

Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market when George expressed a desire to give it a try. Jim  

advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of, etc. In his list of "pointers" was the fact that George  

should invest only small sums.  

 

But George threw caution to the winds and six months later sent an email to Jim, "So much for your darn "pointers!  

Now send me some "retrievers!"  

 

***

 

During the Revolutionary War, there was a small encampment of patriot soldiers camping in the woods. Before they went to bed that night, they tied chickens (they were saving them for a special meal when needed) to the trees around the campground.

 

Sure enough, some British soldiers were stumbling through the woods that night and frightened the chickens. Their screams and clucks woke the Patriots and they were able to defeat and capture the entire group of British soldiers. A few nights later, the cook prepared the chickens for dinner.

 

The soldiers said, 'This is really good. What do you call it?'

 

The chef said that in honor of these special chickens who saved their lives, he called it 'Chicken Catch a Tory.'

 

***

           

While my brother was stationed overseas, his wife wrote to him daily. For an added touch, she'd always scribble little  

abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelope.  

 

One day my brother received a letter with the familiar 'SWL'(sealed with love) message on the envelope. He noticed that  

the letter was sealed with tape and chuckled when he read this notation written by a postal employee: 'Love didn't  

stick--resealed in Seattle.'  

 

***

 

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."  

 --Ron Richards  

                    

***

 

My therapist told me that the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

 

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

 

I feel better already.

 

***

 

Two businessmen in New York city are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready - only a few shelves are set up.

 

One says to the other, 'I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

 

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious southerner walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, 'What're y'all sellin' here?'

 

One of the men replies, 'Oh! We're selling idiots here.'

 

Without skipping a beat, the southern gentleman says, 'Well, I see y'all're doing really good. You only got two left!'

 

***

 

When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.

 

***

 

My youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic training and was on leave prior to his first tour in Germany. I am an Army National Guard pilot, and my other brother is my crew chief.

 

Since we were headed to the airbase where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, we offered to take him. When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's fellow privates came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while my other brother and I followed with his gear.

 

As Tony approached his buddies, he was bewildered by their dumbfounded stares. Then he realized that his friends weren't seeing his two brothers giving him a lift; they were seeing a new private arrive in his own helicopter -- with a captain and sergeant carrying his bags!

 

***

 

As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently,  the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20% off sale.

 

"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something." she suggested.

 

"I don't have a girlfriend," I answered.

 

"No girlfriend?"

 

"No, my wife won't let me."

 

 [Thanks to Reader's Digest.]

 

***

 

A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

 

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

 

The man replied, "I have a flat tare."

 

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

 

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand that neither."

 

***

 

I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her.

 

"I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered. "I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."

 

From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."

 

***

 

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her 21-year-old roommate.

 

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

 

"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?"

 

"He was the original owner."

 

***

 

"I was getting my teeth whitened, but then I said 'forget that, I'll just get a tan instead.'" -Mitch Hedberg

 

***

 

Did you hear about the two guys who decided to try duck hunting? They bought new outfits & equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they heard the hunting was really good.

 

But after several hours of thrashing through the woods, one fellow said, "I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck. Do you think we're doing something wrong?"

 

"I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough."

 

***

 

"According to a new survey, 56 percent of women say they would rather be thinner than smarter. The other 44 percent were models who didn't understand the question." -Jay Leno

 

***

 

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

 

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

 

***

 

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

***

 

I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it.

 

"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"

 

"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"

 

***

 

Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

 

***

 

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

 

Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'

 

***

 

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was.  She would tell me and was always correct.  It was fun for me, so I continued.

 

At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!

 

***

 

One day after a nasty streak of bad weather, I asked my teenage son to take our dog for a long walk after school.

 

When I came home from work, I found my son stretched out on the recliner, watching television. He had leash in hand while the dog trotted happily away on the treadmill.

 

***

 

A teacher entered her classroom and said, "We are going to have a test today, come rain or shine."

 

Suddenly, a student burst out laughing.

 

"What's the matter? Why are you laughing?" asked the teacher.

 

"Because it's snowing!"

 

***

 

Once a blonde kept having the same weird dream every day, so she went to her doctor.

 

Doctor: What was your dream about?

 

Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire!

 

Doctor: Really... What was the scenery like?

 

Blonde: I was running in a hallway.

 

Doctor: Then what happened?

 

Blonde: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I would always come to this door, but I couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

 

Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?

 

Blonde: Yes, it did.

 

Doctor: And what did the letters spell?

 

Blonde: It said, "P-U-L-L."

 

***

 

"I think vests are all about protection. The life vest protects you from drowning, the bullet-proof vest protects you from getting shot, and the sweater vest protects you from pretty girls." -Demetri Martin

 

***

 

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

 

***

 

Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the rest of our team.

 

Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.

 

"Excuse me," I said. "Can you tell me where we are?"

 

In a thick English accent, the woman replied, "Earth!"

 

***

 

Q. What animal should you never play cards with?

A. A cheetah.

 

Q. What shellfish lifts weights?

A. Mussels.

 

***

 

Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this

notice: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."

 

Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."

 

***

 

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said,"Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"

 

She was incredibly upset now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

 

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.

 

"Hey, lady!" it said.

 

"Yes?"

 

"You know."

 

***

 

Teen, trying on a jacket: How does this look on me, on a scale of one to ten, with five being in the middle?

 

***

 

Woman: He's very successful. I'm sure he's a millionaire by now, and he's only 26. He never even graduated from college.

 

Girl: I'm soooooo jealous. I wish I didn't have an education.

 

***

 

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

 

***

 

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"

 

***

 

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."  He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

 

***

 

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

 

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous," the first one said.

 

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

 

"What did you do?"

 

"I hid his teeth."

 

***

 

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her.

 

"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."

 

***

 

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends, and he took along a few pictures to show to them. The hostess looked at the photos and commented, "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

 

The photographer didn't make any comment, but as he was leaving to go home, he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

 

***

 

"Oil is $125 a barrel. But if you return the barrel...you get a $2 deposit back."  -Dave Letterman  

 

***

 

Recently a friend and I went out to eat late one Sunday morning. I was torn between ordering from the restaurant's breakfast and lunch menus, and finally asked the server to bring me both a chicken sandwich and an order of scrambled eggs. When she left, I wondered aloud about whether I'd just committed a faux pas.  

 

"I don't think so," said my friend. "But I AM wondering which one will come first." 

 

***

 

Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're probably right.  -Henry Ford

    

***

 

"I was going to get my mom something special for Mother's Day, but then I realized she's already going to get that economic stimulus check." -David Letterman  

 

***

 

 

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. 'Where would we be today,' she asked, 'if no one had ever been curious?'  

 

One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. 'In the Garden of Eden?'

                      

***

 

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past a row of empty shopping carts when the cart-girl standing there called after him, 'Excuse me, did you want that cart?'  

 

'No,' he answered. 'I'm only after one thing.'  

 

As he walked into the store, he heard her murmur, 'Just like a man.'  

 

***

 

Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby.  I was elated when he called me at work all the way from Japan with the news of my grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers.  

 

'I'm a grandmother!' I declared. 'It's a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds.'  

 

'When was she born?' someone asked.  

 

Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar, and said in amazement, 'Tomorrow!'  

 

***

 

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.  

 

'Not Gutenberg?' gasped the collector.  

 

'Yes, that was it!'  

 

'You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!'  

 

'Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,' replied the man. 'It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther.' 

 

***

 

Our attitude is our thought life turned inside out.

 

***

 

The new bride went crying to her mother. "Momma, I can't get my husband to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."

 

"Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for twenty-six years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."

 

***

 

England's West Country is known for its charming cottage-like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting- looking books. So she went inside.

 

A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, "Can I help you?"

 

"No, just browsing," said my friend.

 

"Fine," came the reply. "But so you know, around here most people knock before entering someone's home."

 

***

 

Joe says to Bill, "Want to see a picture of my Aunt?"

 

"Sure."

 

So Joe takes out a picture.

 

"What are you talking about?" Bill says, "That's not your aunt! That's a picture of a fish!"

 

Joe responds, "Well, sure it is... It's my aunt Chovy!"

 

***

 

An eighty-five year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

 

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

 

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

 

"No," replied the man.

 

"Do you drink in excess?"

 

"No." replied the man.

 

"Do you have a sex life?"

 

"Yes, I do!"

 

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life.

 

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half ... the looking or the thinking?"

 

***

 

A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting.

 

"What's the quickest way to York?"

 

The local scratched his head.

 

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

 

"I'm driving."

 

"That's the quickest way!" he responded.

 

***

 

 Live a good, honorable life...then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

 

***

 

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." -William James

 

***

 

My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a reference on her resume', which she planned to submit to a local fast-food restaurant. I agreed.

 

A few days later she called and asked me to meet her at the restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview, and she told me to bring my references."

 

***

 

Why can't a woman ask for help from her brother?  He can't be a brother and assist her, too.

 

***

 

The first carload of Boy Scouts had left my house minutes earlier, bound for our three-day wilderness trip. As I backed my own vanload of Scouts out of my garage, I noticed  a pair of hiking boots on the back steps, so I stopped to retrieve them.

 

An hour later, we caught up with the first car, which was parked at a highway rest stop. Seeing me pull up, my assistant Scout leader rolled down his window. "Your wife just called on my cell phone," he said. "She asked if you knew anything about the plumber's boots that were on your back steps."

 

***

 

The video game Grand Theft Auto IV went on sale today. It's a shame kids these days are spending so much time playing video games where they steal cars, and not getting out there in the sunshine and really stealing cars." -Jimmy Kimmel

 

***

 

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

 

***

 

"Iron Man opened this weekend, starring Robert Downey Jr. I don't know who Iron Man fights...wrinkled linen, I suppose."    -Craig Ferguson

 

***

 

Life is hard....by the yard, but by the inch....life's a cinch!

 

***

 

They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll be darned if I'm going to roll 12 shopping carts out of the  

grocery store! 

 

***

 

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight. "What do you think?" she asked.

 

He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"

 

***

 

A new report suggests that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising benefits.

 

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.

 

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

 

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.

 

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.

 

***

 

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

 

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?"

 

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

 

***

 

I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While the technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have dextrocardia.  

 

"What's that?" she asked.  

 

"It means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather than on the left," I answered. "You should set up your machine to accommodate that."  

 

As she attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me, have you had that for long?" 

 

***

 

All sunshine and no rain make a desert. 

 

***

 

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him, “Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?”

 

The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, you will find a ton of hungry fish."

 

They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."

 

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty."

 

Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check again.

 

"Nope, still salty."

 

One hour later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."

 

"This isn't good," one fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"

 

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

 

***

 

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

 

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little traveled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

 

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

 

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the heck have ya been? You escaped over 12 hours ago."

 

***

 

My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen about his or her life, so she asked me, “What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?”

 

“I'd have to say the moonwalk,” I replied.

 

She looked disappointed. “That dance was so important to you?”

 

***

 

Do You Know Your Hymns?

 

Dentist's Hymn...........................Crown Him with Many Crowns

 

Weatherman's Hymn.......................There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

 

Contractor's Hymn.......................The Church's One Foundation

 

The Tailor's Hymn.......................Holy, Holy, Holy

 

The Golfer's Hymn.......................There's a Green Hill Far Away

 

The Politician's Hymn...................Standing on the Promises

 

Optometrist's Hymn......................Open My Eyes That I Might See

 

The IRS Agent's Hymn....................I Surrender All

 

The Gossip's Hymn.......................Pass It On

 

The Electrician's Hymn..................Send The Light

 

The Shopper's Hymn......................Sweet Bye and Bye

 

The Realtor's Hymn......................I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop

 

The Massage Therapists Hymn.............He Touched Me

 

The Doctor's Hymn.......................The Great Physician

 

 

AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:

 

45 mph....................God Will Take Care of You

 

65 mph....................Nearer My God To Thee

 

85 mph....................This World Is Not My Home

 

95 mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home

 

100 mph...................Precious Memories

 

***

 

A Sunday school teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do you all say your prayers at night?"

 

A little boy answered, "My mommy says my prayers."

 

"I see," said the teacher. "And what does your mother say?"

 

The little boy replied, "THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!"

 

***

 

God grades on the cross, not on the curve.

 

 

***

 

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

 

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

 

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

 

***

 

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

 

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

 

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

 

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

 

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

 

'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken .'

 

***

 

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

 

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

 

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

 

***

 

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. 'The poll tax,' he said.

 

'But the poll tax was repealed,' replied the commissioner.

 

'Ay-ah,' declared the man, 'that's what I like about it.'

 

***

 

'A new article in 'Newsweek' is out talking about what it's like to be an atheist. I actually have a friend who's an atheist, and married to a Jehovah Witness. Their kids are a little strange. They go out and knock on doors but don't know why.' -Jay Leno

 

***

 

A fisherman's wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said, 'Excuse me ma'am but I need to speak to your husband. Can you tell me where he is?'

 

She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. 'Go over there and look for the pole with a worm on both ends.'

 

***

 

 Be fishers of men: We'll catch 'em, He'll clean 'em.

 

 

***

 

  Things That Never Happened On Star Trek ...  

 

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a  

type it has encountered several times before.  

 

2. The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists,  

who are all perfectly all right.  

 

3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works  

properly.  

 

4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life-  

form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old  

life form wearing a funny hat.  

 

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious  

plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-  

stocked Enterprise sick-bay. 

***

 

A friend of mine took her four-year-old daughter to a baptismal

service at her church. Later that night, her daughter took all

of her dolls into the bathtub with her and held her own 'baptism.'

 

As she dunked each doll under the water, she repeated, 'Now I

baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and hold your nose.'

 

***

 

One Liners:

 

 

-We have enough youth.  How about a fountain of 'smart'?

 

-The 'original point and click' interface was a Smith & Wesson.

 

-Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.

 

-Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

 

-We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse.

 

-Red meat is not bad for you.  Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

 

-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 

-Gun control: using both hands

 

-When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

 

***

 

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit  

their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found  

in high school essays in order to have them published and  

sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the  

country. Recent winners:

(Part Three) 

 

 

15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and  

she was the East River.  

 

16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel  

trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted  

shut.  

 

17. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But  

unlike Phil, this plan just might work.  

 

18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get  

from not eating for a while.  

 

19. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,  

either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from  

stepping on a land mine or something.  

 

20. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he  

heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

 

***

 

The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple.

 

If you use the short form, the government gets your money.

 

If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.

 

***

                  

The best safeguard for the younger generation is the prayers of the

older generations.

 

***

 

"In LA a 500-pound man was arrested for stealing food from a restaurant. Police say it took five minutes to catch the suspect and two hours to pat him down." -Conan O'Brien

 

***

 

The generation gap proved glaringly obvious at the mail-order music company where my wife works as a customer service representative.

 

Some college students, who were working part-time inputting customer information, wrote the following notes regarding some golden oldies: "Customer is looking for two song titles: 'Shovel Off Two Buffaloes' and 'Honey, Suck a Rose.'"

 

***

 

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays in order to have them published and sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the country. Recent winners:

 

 (Part 2):

 

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

 

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

 

10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

 

11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

 

12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling west at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.

 

13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

 

14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

 

***

 

Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of Ohio. One day I told a long-suffering friend, "You know, the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on the moon was from Ohio."

 

"Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio," he observed.

 

***

 

I'm dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm tense.

 

When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered to me, "Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."

 

***

 

All creation is an outstretched finger pointing toward God.

 

***

 

A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Boy, I hope I'm sick!"

 

After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer, and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick, Mr. Adams?"

 

The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."

 

***

 

"Tragic news today — Herb Peterson passed away. He was the creator of the Egg McMuffin. He was 89. He said the secret to a long life was to never eat Egg McMuffins."  -Jimmy Kimmel

 

***

 

"Scientists have said they may have figured out a way to travel through time. For years now I've known of a potion that can let you travel through time..it's called tequila."    -Craig Ferguson

 

***

 

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

 

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.  The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience.  He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat.  He hobbles back into the examining room.

 

The doctor comes back with a pan of warm water. "Ok," says the doctor.  "After the tablet dissolves, you can sit here and soak that foot for at least 20 minutes."

 

***

 

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays in order to have them published and sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the country. Recent winners:

 

(Part One)

 

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

 

2. His thoughts tumbled around inside his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

 

3. He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

 

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

 

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

 

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

 

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

 

***

 

 A young lawyer, just out of law school, was pleading his first case in South Carolina.  A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.

 

"Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs.  Imagine, twenty-four pigs.  Twice the number that are in the jury box."

 

***

 

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

 

"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.

 

"I am real," I said.

 

"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"

 

***

 

They raised the price of tickets to Disney World to $59.75.  They've also put up a new sign that says 'Your wallet must  be this big to get in.'" --Jay Leno

 

***

 

 For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.

 

A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise.

 

His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.

 

***

 

Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

 

***

 

During a tour at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum, a New York City woman mentioned that she was raising a type of cactus in a pot on her apartment balcony. Another tourist asked her how she kept from watering it too much, because the cactus would die if over watered.

 

"I subscribe to the Tucson newspaper," replied the New Yorker.  Every time I read that it rained in the desert, I give my plant some water."

 

***

 

"God never threatens; the devil never warns." -- Oswald Chambers (Threats are selfishly used to get people to do what is in OUR own best interest.  Warnings are lovingly issued to get people to do what is in THEIR best interest.)

 

***

 

Preparing for a family vacation, my sister-in-law and her husband explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"

 

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old daughter perked up, "Is it dark yet?"

 

***

 

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger on Thursday rushed to the aid of a 12-year-old student who had fainted during an event at his school. When the student came to and saw Schwarzenegger rushing toward him, he died." -Seth Meyers

 

***

 

A big, beefy, leather-wearing, biker type fellow walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and demands in a loud voice,  "Give me a bottle of beer, or else...!"

 

Scared, the bartender serves the man his beer. This happens every day for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it.

 

The next day, the biker returns.

 

"Give me a bottle of beer, or else...!"

 

"O-o-o-or else w-w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.

 

"Or else I'll take a draft if you're out of bottles."

 

***

 

As my five-year-old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

 

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please,  God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

 

***

 

A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled "COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."

 

When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered 'no.'

 

"Then why are you checking it out?"

 

"Because," said the little boy confidently, "I just started collecting moths last month!"

 

***

 

Everything comes to those who wait ... if they work while they wait.

 

***

 

"Another Democratic debate last night. This time in Ohio.  The big winner? 'American Idol.'" -Jay Leno

 

***

 

Don goes into business for himself. He buys a hotdog cart and sets it up in a prime spot on a busy downtown corner, right near a large bank.

 

One day, his friend Jim approaches him and asks Don if he can lend him some money.   Don refuses.

 

"But why?" asks Jim. "Everyone knows you're doing well, and I'm not asking for much."

 

"Well, Jim, in order to get this spot I had to sign a non-competition agreement with that bank over there. According to the terms of the agreement, they don't sell hot dogs, and I don't lend money."

 

***

 

The trouble with trouble is, it starts out as fun.

 

***

 

Jake is five years old and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look, Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!"

 

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

 

"It's a frickin' elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

 

And so it does ...

 

"A f r i c a n  Elephant."

 

Hooked on phonics! Isn't it wonderful?

 

***

 

"In sports The Florida Marlins have announced they will form an all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad. They will be called the Marlin Brandos." -Conan O'Brien

 

***

 

During his spare time my brother, an attorney, volunteers on his town's fire and rescue squad.

 

When I mentioned this to a friend, he smiled and said, "Let me get this straight. Your brother is a lawyer and an EMT?  So he doesn't have to chase the ambulance -- he's already in it?"

 

***

 

We like someone "because."  We love someone "although."

 

***

 

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job.  The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

 

"Twenty-two," Rick replied.  After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

 

About two weeks later, Rick got a letter that said he was hired for the job!  He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he was still very curious.  The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong.

 

The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

 

***

 

"I got a good tip from my stockbroker the other day. He said, 'For only 39 cents, I can super size those fries for you.'" -- Jay Leno

 

***

 

When I was introduced to a couple visiting our congregation, I decided to remember their names by noting they were the same as those of two characters in a popular children's story.

 

After the services I stopped to talk to them, and as they were saying goodbye I teased, "Be careful going up that hill! But you must get that all the time."

 

They smiled politely but said nothing. After they left, my wife asked, "What was that all about?"

 

"Jack and Jill. Up the hill. Remember?" I said.

 

"Yes, but what does that have to do with," she pointed to the couple, "Dick and Jane?"

 

***

 

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window.  Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

 

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has  been for some time."

 

***

 

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.  When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump.  My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

 

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

 

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 1200 feet from the ground" he answered.

 

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

 

The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

 

***

 

"The Wall Street Journal reports this week that the candy industry is so worried about falling candy sales they are now adding caffeine to their candy.  Well, that's every parent's worst nightmare a fat kid who’s up all night."

 --Jay Leno

 

***

 

Every calling is great when greatly pursued.

 

***

 

"A new government study has found that the average American car weighs five-hundred pounds more than it did ten years ago. However, this is only true if an average American is sitting in the car." --Conan O'Brien

 

***

 

"A woman in California is being studied because she says she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I'm thinking, 'Wait a minute isn't that every woman?'"   --Dave Letterman

 

***

 

Just after Christmas I received a rather general thank-you note from my sister for the present I had sent her. However, her next letter in mid-March explained that upon receiving my gift, a well taped box of chocolates, she had immediately put it in the freezer because she had already gained about six pounds that Christmas and wanted to avoid temptation.

 

One day in March, having lost the excess weight and craving a chocolate, she went to the freezer, mouth watering in anticipation, opened the box, and discovered the frozen black sequined evening purse I had given her.

 

***

 

For our honeymoon my fiancee and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"

 

"Yes," I replied." It's our honeymoon."

 

"And how many adults will there be?" she asked.

 

***

 

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.  As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'  His reply, 'I know.  I already got that side.'

 

***

 

Only he who can see the invisible can do the impossible.

 

***

 

What NOT To Give Her For Valentines Day

 

1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.

 

2. Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fiber" on the label.

 

3. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.

 

4. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.

 

5. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.

 

6. A gift certificate.

 

7. Cash.

 

8. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.

 

9. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

 

***

 

A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."

 

"Amazing," said the councelor. "How did you do it?"

 

"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

 

***

 

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

 

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

 

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

 

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

 

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

 

***

 

Q:  What do you call two banana peels?

 

A:  A pair of slippers.

 

 

Q:  What's a cat's favorite color?

 

A:  Purrrple.

 

 

Q:  What's big, green and sits in a corner and cries?

 

A:  The incredible sulk.

 

 

Q:  What begins with T, is full of T and ends with T?

 

A:  A teapot.

 

***

 

"We are shaped and fashioned by what we love." – Goethe

 

***

 

There are two kinds of people who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.

 

***

                                                                     

Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone, I bought her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach it directly to her belt. A few days later, I walked into my mother's home and found her standing in the middle of the living room, halfway dressed. That didn't strike me as odd so much as the fact that she was holding her pants to the side of her head and speaking into them.  

 

"Don't look at me that way," she yelled. "The phone started ringing and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid clip!"  

 

***

 

"Congratulations to the new Miss Universe. It's Miss Puerto Rico. Is it just me or does it seem like the winner is always from earth?" -Dave Letterman  

 

***

 

Sister Margaret had spent weeks preparing the first grade children for their first Communion, stressing the solemnity and importance of this sacrament.

 

Much to her chagrin, during Mass on the big day, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right now!"

 

Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front... and delivered Sister Margaret's message to the surprised priest in the middle of his sermon!

 

***

 

"In the movies, Sylvester Stallone is Rambo again. Like everyone else, he's older. Now when he gets dropped behind enemy lines he says, 'What did I come here for?'"  --David Letterman  

 

***

 

"According to a survey by nationwide mutual insurance, 2 percent of people actually shave while they're driving. They shave! How many guys would like to be in the car with those women?" --Jay Leno  

 

***

 

Kind actions begin with kind thoughts.

 

***

 

"It's cold here in the Northeast. You have to dress in layers when it's this cold. For instance, right now I'm wearing two hairpieces." --David Letterman

 

***

 

Classic insults from the past:

 

Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

 

"That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

--

 

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

 

Winston Churchill, in response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

--

 

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

--

 

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

--

 

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

--

 

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

--

 

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

--

 

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support, rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

--

 

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -  Groucho Marx

 

***

 

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high-profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its

14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.

 

The judge turned to the jury foreman and asked, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

 

"Yes we have, Your Honor," the foreman responded.

 

"Please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

 

After the judge read the verdict himself, he delivered the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman. He then instructed the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

 

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," announced the foreman.

 

The family and friends of the defendant jumped for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict, and they hugged each other as they shouted expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turned to his client and asked, "So, what do you think about that?"

 

The defendant looked around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turned to his defense attorney and said, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

 

***

 

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."

 -Joe Weinstein

 

***

 

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family waiting for the news, "We had twins!"

 

The family was so excited, they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?"

 

The father paused, smiled and said, "Each other."

 

***

 

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her.

 

Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

 

"What do you say?" she asked.

 

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

 

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

 

***

 

Sam, an old man, was a witness in a burglary trial.

 

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

 

"Yes," said Sam, "I plainly saw him take the goods."

 

The lawyer asked again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

 

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him do it."

 

Then the lawyer asked, "Sam, listen: you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad.  Just how far can you see at night?"

 

Sam replied, "I can see the moon -- how far is that?"

 

***

 

Last summer, my husband took me camping for the first time.  At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

 

One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc.

 

Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned, and led us right back to our camp. "That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?"

 

"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country, all the TV satellite dishes point south."

 

***

 

"You can observe a lot by watching."  -- Yogi Berra

 

***

 

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the Insurance policy with the man at the Insurance Agency.

 

During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take out the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"

 

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

 

***

 

The only time the average child is as good as gold is on April 15th.

 

 

***

 

Not quite grasping the sanctity of "Monday Night Football," I plunked myself next to my new husband one Monday night to chat. He was distracted by the action on TV, and after being shushed a few times, I gave him a "look."

 

Immediately contrite, he picked up the remote. "I'm sorry, honey," he apologized, "I'm being rude. You go ahead and talk--I'll just turn up the volume."

 

***

 

You know, I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.

 

***

 

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

 

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

 

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and  cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.  Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

***

 

"Toyota is developing a car with a new device that will automatically stop the car if the driver has had too much to drink. The device is called oncoming traffic."     --Conan O'Brien

 

***

 

"I hate driving, and I hate when people honk at me. Unless I'm making a left turn. Then I like it because that's how I know it's time to turn." --Rita Rudner  

 

***

 

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

 

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

 

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

 

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

 

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

 

***

 

One morning while a locksmith had come to change the locks in my house, I realized I had to run a few errands. I turned to him, a sweet older man, and said I was heading out. As I got to the front door, I noticed my sad-faced dog staring at me from the living room. "I love you, sweet boy," I said. "Now you be good. Okay?"

 

From the other room I heard a voice answer, "Okay."

 

***

 

I have a lot of 'sweet chariot' stocks. The minute I buy them they 'swing low!'

 

***

 

No good deed goes unpunished. I had volunteered to tar the roof on my father's shed. I was about halfway done when I slipped and fell flat on my face getting black goop all over my shirt, my pants, even my hair. Hearing the thud, Dad looked up. "What happened?"

 

I got up and began to say, "All I did was..." when my feet shot out from under me and I flipped into the tarry mess a second time.

 

"You know," Dad said dryly, "you could have just told me."

 

***

 

Four Stages of Life

 

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

 

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

 

3) You are Santa Claus.

 

4) You look like Santa Claus.

 

***

 

Charity begins at home, but shouldn't end there.  -- Scottish

 

 

***

 

The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in center.  Turning to the attendant, he said, "Okay, I give up. Why is the mistletoe hanging there above the luggage scale?"

 

The attendant said, "So that you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

 

***

 

One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

 

The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor.

 

The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.

 

"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."

 

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother. "Okay, A minus."

 

***

 

I have six locks on my door and bolt every other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands out there picking the locks, they're always locking three.    (Borrowed from Reader's Digest)

 

***

 

During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.  When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.

 

"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.

 

"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one; I always do the driving."

 

***

 

What do sea monsters love to eat?

 

Fish and ships.

 

***

 

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which  a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver,  "Are you seriously hurt?"  

 

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer."  

 

***

 

We cannot separate our prayers from how we treat others.                                   

 

 

***

 

One day a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

 

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

 

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

 

***

 

My friend Monica is an accomplished harpist, who frequently plays for weddings, receptions, parties, and other such events. She is also blond and has an appropriately cherubic face.

 

She was on her way to an engagement at a hotel, and stepped into an elevator with her large golden harp. Just before the doors closed, a distinguished gray-haired man stepped on.

 

As the elevator rose, he looked thoughtfully first at her and then her harp and asked, "And just how far up are you going?"

 

***

 

Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand these days. I wasn't surprised when one of my daughter's friends showed me a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she begged.

 

"I won't" I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"

 

"Honesty," she said.

 

***

 

We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

 

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.

My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

 

"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

 

***

 

Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community.

 

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.

 

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing you ever bought?"

 

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

 

Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say to you?"

 

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

 

***

 

A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.

 

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

 

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

 

With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered: "It's Adam's suit!"

 

***

 

Prayer is God's way of doing God's will.

 

***

 

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. -Demetri Martin

 

***

 

While filling out an employment application, a man paused over this question: "Person to notify in case of an accident."  Finally he wrote, "Anybody in sight."

 

***

 

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.  Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

 

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

 

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

 

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

 

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

 

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

 

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

 

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

 

The guy in the Rolls replies, "No! Do you?"

 

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

 

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.  Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

 

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

 

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

 

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

 

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

 

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

 

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?"

 

***

 

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.  One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.  

 

I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."  

 

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

 

***

 

Living a life without prayer is like building a house without nails.

 

***

 

A Scotsman paying his first visit to the zoo stopped by one of the cages.  

 

"An whut animal would that be?" he asked the keeper.  

 

"That's a moose from Canada," came the reply.  

 

"A moose!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "Hoots man - they must ha' rrrats like elephants ower there!"  

 

***

 

Sally was to bake a double-layered cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.  When she took the two cake pans out of the oven, she found the center of both layers had dropped flat.

 

Oh dear, there was no time to bake another cake, so she looked around the house for something to use to build up the center of the cake.  In the bathroom she found a roll of toilet paper just the right size.  She plunked it in and covered it with icing. 

 

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.  She then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home.  When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.  Sally was beside herself.

 

A couple of days later Sally was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.  After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

 

After Sally saw the cake, she started to up from her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it.  But before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"  Sally sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess reply, "Thank you!  I baked it myself."

 

***

 

You Might Be Floridian if...

 

 

"Down South" means Key West.

 

"Panhandling" means going to Pensacola.

 

You think no one over 70 should be allowed to drive.

 

Flip-flops are everyday wear.

 

Shoes are for business meetings and church.

 

No, wait -- flip-flops are good for church, too, unless it's Easter or Christmas.

 

Sweet tea can be served at any meal.

 

An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.

 

You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or cruise to Florida.

 

You measure distance in minutes.

 

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

 

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

 

All the local festivals are named after a fruit.

 

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

 

You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.

 

You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and Christmas.

 

It's not soda, cola, or pop -- it's coke, regardless of brand or flavor: "What kinda coke you want?"

 

Anything under 95 is just warm.

 

You've hosted a hurricane party.

 

You go to a theme park for an afternoon and know when to get on the best rides.

 

You pass on the right and honk at the elderly.

 

You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.

 

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, and Withlacoochee.

 

You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat than have a boat yourself.

 

Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, and a confederate flag.

 

You were eight years old before you realized they made houses without pools.

 

You were 12 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

 

You get angry when people say, "Florida isn't really part of the SOUTH."

 

You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.

 

You know what the "stingray shuffle" is and why it's important!

 

You recognize Miami-Dade as "Northern Cuba." The south ends in the Ocala/Gainesville area, and then North Cuba begins.

 

***

 

 

They do not truly love who do not show their love.  --- Shakespeare

 

 

***

 

I was in Las Vegas this past weekend. I saw a Drew Carey game there. You know you've made it when there's a game named after you. It was called 'The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.'"   -Craig Ferguson

       

***

       

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next

city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place

he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes.

     

No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

     

"Yes?"

     

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

     

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."

     

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the

window and another jogger.

     

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

     

"8:25!"

     

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time

before another one disturbed him.  To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

     

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

     

"Sir? It's 8:45."

       

***

       

"Yesterday, on '60 Minutes' French President Nicolas Sarkozy got up and left in the middle of the interview. Citizens of

France say the president acted rudely and they've never been prouder." -Conan O'Brien

       

***

 

My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning when a gunman burst in and demanded all the cash. As she

nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of coins in the back of the register. "Do you want the rolls

too?" she asked.

       

"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."

       

***

       

When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."

       

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I could not please any of them.

           

***

       

I was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at a little backwoods country store. In the men's room there

was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which said, "Please Wiggel Handel".

       

Below that some wit had written, "If I do, will it wiggel Bach?"

             

***

       

"Prayer opens the door for God to work - then He gets the glory when change does occur."  -Joyce Meyer                 

             

***

 

During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at the university.

 

"Oh, great," I said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."

 

"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

 

***

 

When the graveside service had no more than just finished, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a  distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder, and more lightning.  

 

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,  "Well, she's there."  

 

***

 

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

 

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

 

"Because I'm not an atheist."

 

"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

 

"I'm a Christian."

 

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

 

"Well, my mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

 

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

 

A pause, and a smile.

 

"Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."

 

***

 

"I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don't require so much cooking." -Carrie Snow

 

***

 

Just before their first long deployment two Navy buddies were talking about the stress of leaving their families. A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard the conversation and offered the following advice:

 

"You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"  

 

***

 

When we are going through a major trial in life and are praying for God's intervention, remember that God is more interested in changing us than our situation.  -Joyce Meyer

 

***

 

"Yesterday FBI agents raided a Las Vegas warehouse owned by magician David Copperfield. They seized nearly $2 million in cash. Apparently the entire $2 million was in quarters Copperfield pulled out of people's ears." -Conan O'Brien

 

***

 

A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by his leash.

 

The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was just creating for himself a bottomless pit! 

 

***

 

Military guys can't help debating which branch is the best.  A friend was asked why he chose the Air Force over the Navy.

 

"Simple, really," he said.  "Whatever goes up must come down.  But whatever goes down doesn't necessarily have to come up."    (Borrowed from Reader's Digest)

 

***

 

At their 50th anniversary celebration, the husband was asked the secret of their longevity.

 

"Well, we agreed in the beginning that if we ever got into a fight, I would just take my hat and go for a walk. After a while, I would return and throw my hat through the doorway.  If she threw it back, it was time to take another walk. So I account my longevity to all the exercise I've gotten over the years!"

 

***

 

Two men were sitting side by side on an airliner flying from Denver to Los Angeles.

 

The first man appeared nervous and finally explained that he was being transferred to LA. "I hate Los Angeles," he said. "Everything you hear about LA is bad -- smog, traffic, and worst of all, the crime. Gangs everywhere, people getting shot and robbed, things stolen, car jackings, and everyone hates everyone else."

 

"Oh, it's not that bad," said the second man. "I live in LA myself. Most of that stuff you read is media hype. It's just not true. You'll find LA is just like any other city, anywhere in America."

 

"Really?" responded the first. "Boy, that makes me feel a lot better. You say you live in LA -- what do you do for a living?"

 

"I'm a tail gunner on a Bud Lite delivery truck."

 

***

 

The man goes to see his doctor because he has a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ear.

 

"Hmmm, " the doctor says.  "That's strange."

 

The guy replies, "I know.  And that's just the tip of the iceberg."

 

(Borrowed from Reader's Digest)

 

***

 

Prayer is a cry of hope.

 

***

 

My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience," he jotted down "Lifeguard." Nothing else.

 

"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?"

 

"I couldn't swim," my cousin replied.

 

He got the job.                    

 

***

 

"Son, I just know you'll do the right thing by this little girl," said the preacher. "You just marry her, and you'll be at the end of your troubles."

 

So he did the right thing, and he married the girl, and about six months later when he saw the preacher again he tried to murder him.

 

"You miserable liar!" shouted the young man. "You told me if I married her, I would be at the end of my troubles. Well, I married her, and she has made my life miserable."

 

"That may be true, son, but you can't blame me," replied the minister. "I said you'd be at the end of your troubles, but I never said which end."

 

***

         

 

The pastor's sermon focused on how God knows which of us grows best in the sunlight and which of us needs shade.

 

"For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun, but fuchsias thrive in the shade."

 

After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached him.

 

"Your sermon did me so much good," she said.

 

Before he had time to gloat too much, however, she added, "I always wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias."

 

***

 

I had a friend who, many years ago, worked for a large business. That had been his lifetime employment, but he wasn't happy there. He wanted to go into business for himself. So he saved his money and finally had enough that he could quit and start his own business.

 

About two years later, I was on vacation and was going through the town where his business was located. I stopped by for a visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year is the hardest for a new business."

 

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting to where I only have to work half a day."

 

"Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going into business for myself."

 

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't matter which twelve hours you work."

 

***

 

As I was dropping off my son at his daycare the other day, I overheard some of the other children talking about their siblings.

 

"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one little boy.

 

"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.

 

Not to be outdone, the littlest child in the group piped up. "My sister takes antibiotics!" 

 

***

 

Prayer is not eloquence, but earnestness.

 

***

 

Sal, a pilot for a major airline, carries his running clothes in a backpack, freeing his hands for his luggage. On one trip, he told me, he noticed passers-by grinning at him in the terminal. Sal smiled back. Maybe some of them were on my last flight, he thought.

 

His ego was brimming until he got to the cockpit and stowed his bags. That's when he saw the "Parachute" sign his co-workers had stuck to his backpack.                                                          

 

***

 

We had just finished eating a beautiful dinner that my mother had prepared for our family. As I glanced up at the chandelier over the table, I was mesmerized by the creative handiwork a spider had woven around the prisms and light bulbs. "Don't look up there!" my mother screamed. "It's the one thing I was too tired to clean!"

 

"Don't look where?" my brother asked.

 

"There!" my mother pointed. "It's my own personal web sight!" 

 

***

 

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the following: a half gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a 2-lb can of coffee, a head of romaine lettuce, and a 1 lb package of bacon.

 

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up my purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

 

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt, and I saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

 

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, “Well, you know what? You’re absolutely right! But how on earth did you know that I was single?”

 

And the drunk replied, “Because you’re ugly.”    

 

(Borrowed from “Car Talk” on NPR)

 

***

 

"The Dalai Lama is here in the United States. This morning he was awarded the congressional gold medal for his contribution to peace, human rights, religious understanding... unfortunately, a few hours after the ceremony, he was stripped of his medal after testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs." -Jimmy Kimmel

 

***

 

If Christians spent as much time praying as they do grumbling, they would soon have nothing to grumble about.

 

***

 

While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.

 

The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.

 

"This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and always looking for the key."

 

***

 

At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the  same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address in  the company directory and sent him a message.

 

When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail: "I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that noticeable!"

 

His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read:  "Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria."

 

***

 

 Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she and her husband were struggling with a big decision on whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered to include them on the prayer list.

 

So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole congregation, "Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a decision about the missionary position."

 

***

 

Sally had three very active boys. One summer evening, she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner.  One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead." She slumped to the ground, and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.

 

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day."

 

***

 

By far the most important thing about prayer is to keep at it.                     

 

***

 

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

 

"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a grown man crying."

 

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the darn poison."

 

***

 

Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to the room where security temporarily holds suspects. One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room.  After a few minutes, the door opened and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't you come out until you're told!"

 

The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the women reported what had happened. Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.  [Borrowed from Readers Digest.]

 

***

 

 The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.

 

The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note  to tell you I'm fine." 

 

***

 

A sad Bassett Hound was relating his troubles to his friend.

 

"I'm really depressed all the time and I think negative thoughts. I'm always bored, I feel listless and I am always  tired."

 

"Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend.

 

"Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except that I'm not allowed on the couch. 

 

***

 

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

 

"Keep it," the cop said. "When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

 

***

 

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.

 

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

 

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two." 

 

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

 

***

 

While touring historic buildings in Alexandria, Virginia, we visited an old church. The guide told us that George Washington had attended services there and pointed to his pew. A reverent silence fell.

 

The guide, encouraged by this, went on to tell us that church services back then had been very lengthy -- frequently lasting three hours or more.

 

The mood of the moment was shattered when an anonymous voice whispered loudly, "So George Washington slept here too!"

 

***

 

A middle-aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding.

 

As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?"

 

 "No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."

 

***

 

Good times become good memories . . .  bad times become good lessons.

 

***

 

The receptionist found some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker.  She sent the following email: "If anybody can say where and when they lost $70, please let me know and it will be returned to you."  Within minutes one employee replied, "Kentucky Derby, 2001." 

 

***

 

Sign Language:

 

"Customers who think the waiter is rude should see the manager."

 

On a college president's door: "Closed. If it's something important, see the custodian."

 

Municipal golf course sign: "Please don't find lost balls until they stop rolling."

 

New Jersey tourist sign: "Come to beautiful Atlantic City and see the bored walk."

 

Sign in a nut shop: "No credit cards here. Strictly cashew and carry."

 

By some bananas in a fruit store: "Please don't tear us apart. We grew up together."

 

***

 

One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard me say a bad word about about him?"

 

***

 

The auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit charity. Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No Start." On the block was a No Starter. It had a shattered windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and dings and dents all over the body. 

 

Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the car's year, make, and model, and then read the owner's comments: "Please note - the radio does not work."

 

***

 

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

 

He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

 

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

 

***

 

"In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said he and Angelina Jolie would like to have another baby. Angelina denied the story and said, 'Brad must have misunderstood when I said I was in the mood for Chinese.'" -Conan O'Brien  

 

***

 

Dobbins lost his eye in an accident and couldn't afford the price of a glass eye. So he carved one out of wood. But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house.

 

Finally, his friend Eddy came over and forced him to go out.  "There's a dance over at the club," he said.  "So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?"

 

"All right," said Dobbins, "but if anybody makes fun of my eye I'm leaving."

 

He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his courage. And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.

 

"She's worse off than me," Dobbins thought. "The least I can do is ask her to dance.

 

He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the girl. "Would you care to dance?" he asked.

 

"Would I?!" she exclaimed.

 

"That does it," he shouted, "Hunchback! Hunchback!"   

 

***

 

"In Mississippi, a Taco Bell restaurant had to close after employees found a snake in the restaurant. Witnesses at the Taco Bell said it was the first time they've ever seen a snake with diarrhea." -Conan O'Brien

 

***

 

It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is apprehended by a policeman.

 

He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested.

 

The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."

 

***

 

While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services for my personalized license plate, I heard the clerk shout out, "E I E I O."

 

"I'm here," the woman standing next to me answered.

 

Curious, I asked if she was a farmer or maybe taught kindergarten.

 

"Neither," she replied. "My name is McDonald."

 

***

 

An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

 

He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I'll fix it for you."

 

About ten minutes later she showed up at his door... with the electrical cord in her right hand.

 

***

 

During the Air Force Academy's basic cadet training, the new cadets, known as doolies, go through a ten-day encampment outdoors. Prior to being served in the chow tent, they are required to do pullups and then get in line to answer questions about the academy. If they answer correctly, they are allowed to proceed inside. If not, they are sent to the back of the line.

 

One doolie had been sent back a number of times because he didn't reel off the answers. When the poor cadet came up again, a sympathetic upperclassman asked him, "What does the abbreviation S. I. D. N. K. stand for?"

 

The doolie bowed his head and replied, "Sir, I do not know."

 

"Right!" the upperclassman said. "Go on in there and get some chow!"

 

***

 

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her door bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late - and you're still not ready?"

 

***

 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.

 

***

 

 

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting

on what to have for dinner.   - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

 

***

 

A wholesale dealer who had a lot of trouble in getting a certain retailer to pay his bills finally lost patience and wrote the merchant a threatening letter.

 

He received the following reply: "Dear Sir: What do you mean by writing me a letter like that? Every month I place all my bills in a hat and then figure out how much money I have to pay on my accounts. Then I have my bookkeeper draw as many bills out of the hat as I have money to pay. If you don't like my way of doing business, I won't even put your bills in the hat."

 

***

 

I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

 

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

 

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

 

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

 

***

 

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

 

***

 

Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it was filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day and night, stopping only occasionally for something to eat.

He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he thought about least of all was his rent.

 

As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the three months' rent Walpole owed on the loft.

 

"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm on the verge of making some sales."

 

"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story last month. You won't get another day's credit from me."

 

"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Someday this loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge a fortune for it. In a few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and whisper, 'Walpole used to paint here.'"

 

"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able to say it starting tomorrow morning."

 

***

 

What's the difference between a man and a dog running?

 

One wears trousers and the other pants.

 

***

 

"I believe we are all made in the image of God and when we take time to get to know someone else, we are seeing what God looks like from another angle."  - - Bobby Winters, The Power of Praise

 

***

 

"According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friend's secrets to their husbands.  So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, there’s an 83 percent chance she will tell her husband.  But the good news?  One hundred percent of the men aren't listening anyway."    -Jay Leno

 

***

 

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So don't trouble any of the other employees."

 

The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.

 

Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you; however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

 

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

 

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

 

***

 

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.

 

Susie: It grew on company time.

 

Boss: Not all that hair.

 

Susie: I didn't get it all cut.

 

***

 

Friends vs Southern Friends

 

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. And lots of it.

 

FRIENDS: Will say "hello."

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. More than one.

 

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad, and really mean it, too.

 

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you. And for you.

 

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being

together. Then do the dishes before leaving.

 

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. And most

of the time know you better than you do yourself.

 

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" If you are not home they

will wait.

 

FRIENDS: Are for a while.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life. And then some.

 

If one is deprived of Southern Friends, this will serve as an excellent

educational tool for why they need to look into the possibility.

 

***

 

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

       Mark Twain (1866)

 

***

 

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take

everything you have.

       Thomas Jefferson

 

***

 

A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around the circle and asked each one a question.

 

"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"

 

Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"

 

"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"

 

Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"

 

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"

 

Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"

 

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"

 

Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"

 

***

 

Harry was never shy about reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

 

"My teammates used to call me James Bond," he was telling his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."

 

"That and he batted .007," his wife added.

 

***

 

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

 

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

 

"What do you call it?"

 

"We call it a football wedding."

 

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

 

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

 

***

 

Riding a power mower while doing grounds maintenance work in Southern California, I usually wear several items to protect myself, including safety glasses, dust mask, and cowboy hat to keep the sun off.

 

One day as I walked into our shop at lunchtime, a co-worker called out, "Look! It's the Lawn Ranger!"

 

***

 

" Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

   - -  Mark Twain

 

***

 

"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?"

 

"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."

 

"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."

 

***

 

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

 

"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.  Please leave a message after the beep.  If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

 

***

 

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

 

***

 

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

 

***

 

A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A book with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want." So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

 

"Chapter 1 - The First Date."

 

He glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out for quite a while.

 

When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She answers, "Hello?"

 

He says, "Hi, Jessica? Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

 

She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.

 

He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"

 

She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

 

"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should be finished eating by then."

 

***

 

What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

 

Someone who stays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

 

***

 

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.

 

Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

 

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service started?"

 

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

 

***

 

A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

 

Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toenails, so I bite them instead."

 

***

 

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.

 

Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."

 

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.

 

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.

 

"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.

 

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.

 

My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."

 

***

 

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

 

The next morning, her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

 

"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.

 

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

***

 

"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me." --Unknown

 

***

 

The wise old Mother Superior was dying.

 

The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

 

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

 

Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"

 

Slowly rising up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window, she said,

 

"Don't sell that cow!"

 

***

 

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff all over those hills?"

 

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

 

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

 

***

 

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

 

"Professionally employed?" he asked.

 

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

 

"Children?"

 

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

 

"Animals?"

 

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

 

***

 

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

 

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So, perhaps you should start at the very beginning."

 

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..."

 

***

 

On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

 

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

 

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

 

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'"

 

***

 

Two mothers met for coffee. "Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"

 

"To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!" says Ruth. "She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."

 

"Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?"

 

"Ah! Now there's a lucky girl. She has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever she needs, and in the evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant."

 

***

 

His aching back made it impossible for my friend's husband to get a decent night's rest on their lumpy mattress. "Until I feel better, I'm going to sleep on the couch," he announced.

 

Ordinarily, a spouse moving out of the bedroom isn't a good sign for the marriage. So his wife couldn't resist: "Okay, but as soon as we have an argument you're back in our bed."

 

***

 

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want novocaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

 

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

 

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

 

***

 

Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

 

One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

 

"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."

 

"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

 

The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"

 

"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

 

***

 

"What is that sound?" a woman asked at our nature center.

 

"It's the frogs trilling for a mate," Patti, the naturalist, explained. "We have a pair in the science room. But since they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other."

 

The woman nodded sympathetically, "The trill is gone."

 

***

 

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

 

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

 

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."

 

"Yeah," countered the first deacon, "but God won't tell my wife."

 

***

 

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.

 

"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

 

She replied, "You."

 

***

 

"A new survey says that New Jersey is the most livable state in the U.S. The survey has a margin of error of 100 percent."

  --Conan O'Brien

 

***

 

Punnies:

 

"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.

 

"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Mike said, without debate.

 

"I won't let a stupid flat tire let me down," Steve said, with despair.

 

"I keep banging my head on things," Marty said, bashfully.

 

"That is the second time my teacher changed my grade," Donna remarked.

 

"The fur is falling out of that mink coat," Steven inferred.

 

"That's the second electric shock that I've gotten today!"

Stew said, revolted.

 

"I'll just have to send that telegram again," Samuel said, remorsefully.

 

"I've been sick and lost a lot of weight," Rachel expounded.

 

***

 

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.

 

Pete said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."

 

The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment, and then you don't make another payment for six months."

 

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, "Who told you about us?"

 

***

 

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.

 

When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

 

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally

answered the iron instead of the phone!"

 

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

 

"They called back!"

 

***

 

Signs You're Getting Too Old To Drive...

 

-You think an SUV might be too small to be safe.

 

-It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.

 

-When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear a crunch.

 

-It scares you to drive the speed limit.

 

-The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.

 

-You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

 

-You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.

 

-Your turn signal has been on since 2003.

 

-Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.

 

-When the police pull you over, they're surprised to find out you're sober.

 

***

 

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

 

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

 

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

 

The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead?"

 

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still alive?  How old is he?"

 

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning. That's why he's still alive, he's a golfer."

 

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?"

 

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

 

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

 

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

 

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

 

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

 

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

 

The old timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to?"

 

***

 

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

 

***

 

In 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?

 

"Because," Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of my first wife."

 

***

 

My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain just what kind of work I do.

 

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible.

When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense Contractor."

 

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

 

***

 

"My son has a new nickname for me, 'Baldy.' I've got a new word for him... 'heredity.'" --Dan Savage

 

***

 

I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age.  When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead.

 

"Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.

 

"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"

 

***

 

Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?"

 

"Two for a quarter," answered the vendor.

 

"How much is just one?" she asked.

 

"Fifteen cents," answered the vendor.

 

"Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.

 

***

 

Food for thought: the words "silent" and "listen" both use the same letters.

 

***

 

 

"Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an anxious-looking man.

 

"Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge.

 

"You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him."

 

"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on the jury who can lie like that."

 

***

 

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, saw a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

 

"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

 

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't approve."

 

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

 

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

 

Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

 

"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."

 

***

 

Some of our old favorites have now been re-released.  The following songs are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Gray:  Re-heated Oldies."

 

Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Carly Simon -- 'You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations -- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions"

ABBA -- "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out"

Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

Steely Dan -- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"

Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs -- "Bald Thing"

 

***

 

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from a Cow

 

1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

 

2. Don't cry over spilled milk.

 

3. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.

 

4. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

 

5. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

 

6. It's better to be seen and not herd.

 

7. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

 

8. Never take any bull from anybody.

 

9. Always let them know who's the bossy.

 

10. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

 

***

 

Words can't break bones, but they can break hearts.

 

 

***

 

I had to voice my concern when a co-worker said she found dates using the Internet.

 

"Don't worry about me," she said.  "I always insist we meet at a miniature golf course."

 

"Why there?" I asked.

 

"First, it's a public spot," she said.  "Second, it's in broad daylight. And third, I have a club in my hand."

 

(Borrowed from Reader's Digest)

 

***

 

An attorney was driving through the countryside when his car failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his surprise it started, and he headed for the

nearest town for a permanent repair.

 

To celebrate his success, he lit up a cigarette, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He stuck his arm out the window, hoping the wind at 50 miles per hour would put it out.

 

He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a ticket for illegal use of a firearm.

 

***

 

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.

 

Instead of making any official request to the tower, he

said: "Guess who?"

 

The controller switched the field lights off and replied:

"Guess where!"

 

***

 

While transcribing medical audiotapes, a colleague came upon the following garbled diagnosis:  "This man has pholenfrometry."

 

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor.  After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

 

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

 

(Borrowed from Reader's Digest)

 

***

 

Who says nothing is impossible?  Some people do it every day!

 

***

 

I have a friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left.

 

It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused and told me I was crazy.

 

But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 inch shorter than his right.

 

A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured. Both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

 

"So," I said, "you didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."

 

He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."

 

***

 

A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and he began his sermon, "All members of this parish are going to hell if they don't change their ways."

 

One man in the back began to laugh.

 

So the pastor said it again louder.

 

The man continued to laugh.

 

The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing.

 

He answered, "Because I don't belong to this church!"

 

***

 

There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.

 

"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."

 

"Well, honey, that's wonderful. You're growing up, but why are you crying?"

 

"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."

 

***

 

Speedy Morris was the basketball coach at LaSalle and they were having a pretty good season. One morning he was shaving and the phone rang. His wife answered it and called out to him that Sports Illustrated wanted to talk to him.

 

Coach Morris was excited that his team was apparently about to receive national recognition in this famous sports magazine. As a matter of fact, he was so excited that he cut himself with his razor.

 

Covered with blood and shaving lather and running downstairs to the phone, he tripped and fell down the stairs. Finally, bleeding and bruised, he made it to the phone and breathlessly said, "Hello?"

 

The voice on the other end asked, "Is this Speedy Morris?"

 

"Yes, yes!" he replied excitedly.

 

Then the voice continued, "Mr. Morris, for just seventy-five cents an issue, we can give you a one-year subscription to Sports Illustrated."

 

***

 

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the restrooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.

 

I asked him why, and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went into the men's restroom, he saw a sign that read:

 

"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

 

***

 

After our friend Tom had been a temporary bachelor for several weeks, we stopped by his home to visit him. My wife asked if he was eating properly.

 

"Well, I do eat a lot of dog food," Tom told her.

 

"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe you would be eating anything like that!"

 

"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.

 

Opening the refrigerator door, he waved his hand at a row of doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.

 

***

 

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.

 

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.

 

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.

 

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.

 

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..."

That's Brand Recognition.

 

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback.

 

***

 

"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me." --Elayne Boosler

 

***

 

When my younger brother decided to do a project on the harmful effects of alcohol for the science fair at his elementary school, my mother, who has never had a sip of booze in her life, nervously went to a local liquor store to purchase the needed supplies.

 

"Give me the cheapest, hardest vodka you have," she said to the counter clerk.

 

"Is this for you, ma'am?"  asked the employee.  "If so, I might recommend something that's only a little more expensive but much smoother."

 

"No, that's okay," my mother stammered without thinking.  "It's for my nine-year-old son."

 

(Borrowed from Reader's Digest)

 

***

 

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

 

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

 

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

 

***

 

Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury.

 

"I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered.

 

"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is...rear defrosters."

 

***

 

In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light into a conch shell I found on the beach.  My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale, it was the first thing she put out.

 

I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out and finally bought it.

 

"That'll look great in your home," I said.

 

"Oh," she replied.  "It's not for me."  My bridge club is having a charity sale, and we were asked to bring the most hideous thing we could find. What I have here is the winner!"

 

***

 

The latest term being bandied about our IT office is PICNIC: "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer."

 

(Borrowed from Reader's Digest)

 

***

 

Job site CareerBuilders.com recently asked pollsters Harris Interactive to survey hiring managers and find out the wackiest resume items they've seen lately. Out of 2,627 responses, here are the top ten:

 

A job candidate...

 

1. ... attached a letter from her mother.

 

2. ... used pale blue paper with teddy bears printed around the border.

 

3. ... explained a three-month gap in employment by saying that he was

       getting over the death of his cat.

 

4. ... specified that his availability to work Fridays, Saturdays, or

       Sundays is limited because the weekends are "drinking time."

 

5. ... included a picture of herself in a cheerleading uniform.

 

6. ... drew a picture of a car on the outside of the envelope and said

       the car would be a gift to the hiring manager.

 

7. ... listed hobbies that included sitting on a levee at night

       watching alligators.

 

8. ... mentioned the fact that her sister had once won a

       strawberry-eating contest.

 

9. ... stated that he works well in the nude.

 

10. ...explained an arrest record by stating, "We stole a pig, but it

       was a really small pig."

 

***

 

Retirement Questions and Answers:

 

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.

 

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

 

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

 

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Answer: NUTS!

 

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

 

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answer: Normal.

 

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

 

***

 

It's a summer holiday weekend, and a man walks into a butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying, "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound."

 

The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like five pounds of your ground sirloin, please."

 

The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."

 

The man, disappointed, goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"

 

The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."

 

"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaims the customer. "Just up the street, the butcher sells it for 29 cents!"

 

The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"

 

"No. He's out of it right now."

 

"Well," says the butcher, "when I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!"

 

***

 

1st lady: Did you see that bus driver? He glared at me as if I hadn't paid my fare.

 

2nd lady: And what did you do?

 

1st lady: I glared right back as if I had!

 

***

 

While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two nursing students from Southern California. After chatting them up awhile, the conversation turned to what we did in the service. When we told them we were in the infantry, the girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they told us how sweet that was.

 

Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the same sentence, I was a little confused. Until, that is, one of the girls said, "We admire any man who works with infants."

 

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

 

 

***

 

Sign Language for Your Dentist:

 

You know how hard it is to talk to your dentist when your teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well, I decided I would make up a sort of sign language that you could use to express yourself without having to mumble.

 

Below are 10 common things you might wish to say, numbered 1-10. These would be printed on a poster and mounted on the ceiling above the dentist chair.

 

It would give you something to read since procedures can be boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold up the corresponding number of fingers to express yourself. The dentist would not need to stop to ask you to repeat yourself and could fix the problem right away.

 

1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches.

 

2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit running down my neck.

 

3. So, I guess you had garlic again for lunch today?

 

4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just poked with that incredibly sharp tool of yours.

 

5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again.

 

6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that you missed before I gag?

 

7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may have been mistaken.

 

8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex.

 

9. Just so you know, if I don't get to take a break soon, I may bite you.

 

10. Please stop asking me stupid questions about myself or I will take that paper mask off your face.

 

***

 

"Doctors and hospitals have gone back to literally the Middle Ages for a cure they say works better than anything they have in modern medicine for post-operative blood coagulation. They are going back to flesh-eating maggots and blood-sucking leeches. Or as most people know them, HMOs."  --Bill Maher

 

***

 

As a department head stationed on a Navy vessel, I was concerned about one of my senior enlisted men. He was a superb technician, but he had a problem taking orders. One day I took him aside and suggested he try something that had worked for me.

 

"Whenever an officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid," I told him, "just say, 'Yes, sir.' But in your mind, think, 'You're an idiot!' Will this work for you?"

 

He smiled at me and replied, "Yes, sir!"

 

                                  ***

 

 

"I can't believe she said I was a liar. Sure, I make random stuff up, but I'm not a liar." --Overheard at Starbucks

 

***

 

I went to the registry of motor vehicles to renew my license.

When I handed the clerk a check to pay for the license she asked for some identification.

 

I pointed to the renewed picture license that she was holding in her hand.

 

***

 

There were two good ol' boys from the South, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there.

 

The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off.

 

In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."

 

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."

 

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

 

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."

 

***

 

A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant, was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during his years of service.

 

"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel, Major General, an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys exactly where to get off."

 

"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"

 

"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."

 

***

 

A guy was hitchhiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was getting on and no cars went by. Suddenly he saw a car roll slowly toward him and stop.

 

Without thinking about it, the guy jumped into the back seat and closed the door when he suddenly realized there was nobody behind the wheel!  Just then the car started slowly rolling forward again.

 

He was beginning to get really freaked out when he noticed a curve in the road ahead. He was just thinking about climbing into the front seat when a hand mysteriously appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

 

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.

 

Gathering his courage, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town.  Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.

 

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same restaurant. They were looking around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look, isn't that the jerk who got in the car when we were pushing it?"

 

***

 

Jesus' earthly life was framed by two impossibilities: a virgin's womb and an empty tomb.  Jesus entered our world through a door marked "No Entrance" and left through a door marked "No Exit."

 

***

 

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

 

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets, and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

 

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, 'HORSE for sale.'"

 

***

 

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches that have died of old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.

 

When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps that have also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says as puts them in the sack with the finches.

 

Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the lions' cage.

 

"Oh, no!" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"

 

***

 

"He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food cake." --Raymond Chandler

 

***

 

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" --Mark Twain

 

***

 

"He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, and a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead." --Voltaire

 

***

 

On vacation, a man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

 

She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

 

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. But just a few minutes later a train again shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

 

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager who says he'll be right up.

 

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

 

"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

 

Just then the husband walks in. He takes one look at the manager lying in bed with his wife and yells, "Hey! What are you doing in here!?"

 

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

 

***

 

A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future.  The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had.

 

Pleased with his response, they pressed on. "What would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked the little boy.

 

After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it."

 

***

 

 

"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend."

 

"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."

 

"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."

 

"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."

 

"Wow! Is that true?"

 

"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."

 

***

 

In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions.  Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem.  The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.

 

***

 

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter M. I am strong and attractive.  I pick up things. What am I?"

 

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

 

***

 

At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties.

 

"Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?"

 

Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the city and 38 on the highway."

 

***

 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

 

"Yep!"

 

"Do I know her?"

 

"Nope!"

 

"This woman, is she good looking?"

 

"Not really."

 

"Is she a good cook?"

 

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

 

"Does she have lots of money?"

 

"Nope, poor as a church mouse."

 

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

 

"Because she can still drive!"

 

***

 

A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150."

 

After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

 

***

 

"Hugh Hefner is getting married. Hugh Hefner is 80 years old, and his bride to be is 27-year-old Holly Madison. Look at it this way: He's got everything a girl could want; he's rich, and he's famous, and he's nearly dead." -Dave Letterman

 

***

 

"According to a new study, eating ice cream increases a woman's chance of getting pregnant. Actually, eating ice cream increases a woman's chances of looking pregnant."

  -Conan O'Brien

 

***

 

When a mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, and then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

 

"What are you doing?" his mom asked.

 

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

 

***

 

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. "Officer," he asks, have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"

 

"No I haven't. What's the problem?"

 

"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"

 

"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asks.

 

"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."

 

***

 

Catchy bumper stickers:

 

- Driver carries no cash - he's married.

 

- The shortest sentence is "I am."

  The longest is "I do."

 

- Guns don't kill people - cellphones do.

 

***

 

A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.

 

"First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.

 

The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..."

 

"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It's YOUR child!"

 

***

 

A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

 

He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

 

"How come?" asked the woman.

 

"Crooks don't buy peat moss." answered the clerk.

 

***

 

A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

 

"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

 

"No," replied the man, "That's my ball!"

 

***

 

I'm sure if the customer had taken two seconds, he probably would have come up with the answer to his question on his own. But instead he called information.

 

"I'm looking for the number of a business," he said when I picked up his call.

 

"What's the name of the business?" I asked.

 

"1-800-FLOWERS."

 

***

 

It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card.

 

I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased with the card.

It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."

 

***

 

"I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five mile zone, but I told them I had dyslexia." --Spanky

 

***

 

Some people grow with responsibility .....others just swell.

 

***

 

A frantic guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Buddy, please, can you loan me a hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident and I need to get her to the hospital."

 

The stranger says, "If you so desperately need a hundred dollars, what are you doing in a casino?"

 

The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."

 

***

 

"Politics is a dirty business. And with Hillary Clinton announcing that she is running for president, Republicans are already digging up dirt on her. And they found out that she once slept with Bill Clinton." --Dave Letterman

 

***

 

Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

 

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."

 

"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?"

 

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear."

 

"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"

 

"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars."

 

"Incredible... so how come you look so glum?"

 

"Well, this week...nothing!"

 

***

 

For years my husband denied he was an aggressive driver. That changed one day when we were out for a ride with our three-year-old, Matthew. Seeing a teaching opportunity, I began quizzing Matthew about traffic lights.

 

"What does a red light mean?" I asked.

 

"Stop."

 

"How about green?"

 

"Go."

 

"And yellow?"

 

In his best impression of Daddy, Matthew bellowed, "Hang on!"

 

***

 

"The Constitution does not specify how long the State of the Union address must be. You know who gave the longest State of the Union address ever? Bill Clinton. You know who gave the shortest? George Washington. It was just a couple of minutes. Well sure, when a politician cannot tell a lie, it limits how much they can say." --Jay Leno

 

***

 

When my Navy Medical Reserve Unit was called up for Operation Desert Storm, I was awakened by a phone call at three o'clock on a Sunday morning with the order to report for duty in four hours for processing.

 

After I hung up the phone, my husband groggily asked, "Who was that?"

 

"Oh, honey," I moaned, thinking of our 15-month-old child, "I have to go to war!"

 

"Don't worry," he said as he rolled over, "It's Sunday, and the traffic won't be bad."

 

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

 

***

 

Men's Thesaurus:

 

 

IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

 

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

 

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

 

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

 

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

 

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated: "Are you still talking?"

 

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

 

"OH, DON'T FUSS -- I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

 

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

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