1001 Clean Laughs & Points to Ponder

Every now and then it’s time to lighten up, and allow a good belly-laugh or two to rejuvenate our juices.  After all, all work and no play makes Jack a dull person (and you Jills, too)!

Over the past few years I’ve collected, mostly from the internet, some of the best, freshest humor that I’ve come across in the course of my daily routine.  I’ve had no interest in collecting off-color humor, or humor that has been told so many times that everyone has heard it at least half a dozen times. 

Hold on to your hat - I think you’re going to like these!

(Those of you who found me through www.word-gems.com, be sure to check out the rest of my website at www.members.tripod.com/whistler4truth. I think you will find my articles, such as “The Cancer Hoax”  and “Eat to Live,” to name a few, real mind expanders!)

!!!!!!!

"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." --Elayne Boosler

***

'Writing: For the Sell of It' was the theme of our community college's annual writers' conference. When I called a widely published married author and asked him to be our keynote speaker, my request was met with a long silence. He finally said, "I don't know what I would say to that audience."

"You're just being modest," I replied. "I'm sure you're extremely qualified to speak on that subject."

He suddenly broke into laughter. "I thought you said, 'Writing for the Celibate!'"

***

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell,' cannot stay on the church roof."

***

A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.

"Just act surprised, and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."

***

While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."

***

As he fiddled with his high school class ring, the one he got after graduating in 2000, my son Aaron asked, "Mom, I've been wondering. What were you and dad thinking when you gave me the initials ACH?"

"Nothing," I answered back. "Why?"

He showed me the inscription in his ring. It read: "ACH 00"

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

***

When my husband, Mark, took his beat-up pickup truck to our insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist was sent to look over the truck. Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore. She asked, "What are the age and make of the vehicle?"

Mark replied, "It's a '65 Ford." Apologetic about its desperate condition, he added, "It's an old fossil."

Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computer and frowned. "Is there a problem?" asked Mark.

"Mr. Evans, our computers have a lot of automotive data," she explained, "but it's never heard of a Ford Fossil."

***

My friend read her son's horoscope and thought it quite appropriate. "You've spent the last few weeks looking for escape," it said. "But now it's time to get on with your life."

She had just given birth to him that morning.

***

The problem - There's a box with a hole at each end and there's a rabbit in the box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end.

Half a minute later, his head appears at the opposite end, a fourth of a minute later it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a minute later... etc., etc.

How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out of both ends of the box at the same time?

In theory, two minutes. In practice, no answer is possible unless you split hares.

***

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it does enable you to look for it in more places.

***

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

"You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

***

"One of the traditional methods of imposing statism or socialism on a  people has been by way of medicine. It's very easy to disguise a medical program as a humanitarian project. . .  Now, the American people, if you put it to them about socialized medicine and gave them a chance to choose, would unhesitatingly vote against it." -- Ronald Reagan, 1961 radio program regarding Democratic Party's attempt to pass a national health care bill that year.

***

Anyone who's ever ridden in a cab in Rome, Italy, knows they're some of the world's most brazen drivers. Oddly enough though, their current accident rate isn't all that bad. I asked one of the drivers one day the reason for that.

"Easy," he said. "All the bad drivers are dead."

***

The little boy's grandfather had taken him for a trip to the zoo and an ice cream. When he came home his mother asked, "Did you thank your grandfather for taking you to the zoo and buying you ice cream?"

The boy didn't answer.

She asked again, "I said, did you thank Granddad for taking you to the zoo and buying you ice cream?"

Still no answer.

"You answer me, young man! DID YOU THANK YOUR GRANDFATHER?!?"

"Yes," the boy said at last.

"Well, why didn't you say so?"

"Because he told me not to mention it!"

***

Actual call center conversations:

Customer:   'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get            

             through; can you help?'

Operator:   'Where did you get that number, sir?'

Customer:   'It's on the door of your business.'

Operator:   'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

Samsung Electronics

Caller:       'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator:     'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller:       'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly  

               states that I need to unplug the fax machine from

               the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before

               cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator:     'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

Directory Enquiries

Caller:      'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'

Operator:    'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the            

              spelling is correct?'

Caller:      'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B'

              fell off.'

***

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

        "Da End is Near.

         Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now

         Fore It Be Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires, a big splash and then silence....

Boudreaux turn to Thibodaux and axed,

Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

                                  *** 

"A wise and frugal government, which shall leave men free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned - this is the sum of good government." -- Thomas Jefferson

***

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man, but there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him: his height, or rather, his lack of it. He was very short and apparently sensitive about the subject.

One day he stormed through the kitchen doors and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!"

Everyone was speechless, except for one waitress who couldn't help herself as she blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

***

When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy.

I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night,

"Grandma, where did I come from?"

I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you."

"Where did Mom come from then?"

"The stork brought her, too."

"OK, then.... where did you come from?"

"The stork brought me too, dear."

"Okay, thanks, Grandma."

I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was

cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper... "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."

***

FIVE THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the Time

management course you sent me to."

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."

***

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible. 

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whiskey.

4. A Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a

skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he

entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

***

"Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Liberty." (II Corinthians 3:17)

***

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again.

After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out, "About 20 minutes."

"Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

"Didn't know how fast you could walk."

***

New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant." --Dave Letterman

***

The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win." 

***

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for a second one."

***

"Nissan announced that they've developed a new car that gets 367 miles per gallon. It's called the Nissan Fred Flintstone." -Conan O'Brien

***

"If we will not be governed by God, we will be governed by tyrants."

 -- William Penn

***

When hiring new staff at her public library, my daughter always asks applicants what sort of supervision they'd be most comfortable with.

One genius answered, "I've always thought Superman's X-ray vision would be cool."

***

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in to the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." 

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Heather Locklear. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes!" cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You liar! That is not your wife!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Heather Locklear, You would have come up with Tara Reid. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said 'yes' to Heather Locklear!"

***

"This fall, a team of scientists will shoot lasers at Mt. Rushmore to create a three-dimensional model. If the lasers are effective, Teddy Roosevelt will no longer need glasses." -Conan O'Brien

***

"General Motors had some good news. General Motors says it's struggling to meet demand for its new 2010 Chevrolet Camaro. G.M. said they're 'sorry, but both of you are going to have to wait a little longer.'" --Conan O'Brien

***

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a

slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

-------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command

C:// I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME

and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed,

Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another

Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash

Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited

memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,

Joyce at Tech Support

***

A man goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to

confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more

inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"

***

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. --Jack Handey

***

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around, and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

***

Dangling Participles:

 - The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10," with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.

- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his  relatives.

- Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine  buck as well as her husband.

- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.

- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.

- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.

***

At our local funeral home families are given the chance to chose the music they would like to enter the service to.

One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender."

The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.

Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."

***

The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words "Rough Road."

***

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

***

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 A.M. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 A.M. he went to sleep.

He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, "Amen!"

***

Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence, who he don like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"

Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses; and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like you say?"

Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.

Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"

And Boudreaux say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence 13 ft. 6 in.'

You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across

de bayou."  

***

On our way to my parents' house for dinner one evening, I glanced over at my 15-year-old daughter. "Isn't that skirt a bit short?" I asked. She rolled her eyes at my comment and gave me one of those "Oh, Mom" looks.

When we arrived at my folks' place, my mother greeted us at the door, hugged my daughter, then turned to me and looking me over with a critical eye said, "Elizabeth! Don't you think that blouse is awfully low-cut?"

***

Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"

"It's mating season," the keeper replies. "They're inside."

"Do you think they'd come out for peanuts?"

"Probably not," answers the keeper.

"Why not?" persists the visitor.

"Would you?"

***

New Use for Windex:

I haven't checked snopes.com to see if this actually works or not . . . but they say that if you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should sniff some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking!

***

A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed debating the "bail-out packages," so the priest decided to say his own few words while they

waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, EVER be late.

***

Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band.

"Why don't you ever wear your ring?" I asked.

"It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied.

"I know," I said. "It's supposed to."

***

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible.

He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I'm not that kind!"

"Actually, I've never tried to kiss a model before," he protested.

"Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?"

"Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."

***

It is impossible to be both selfish and happy.

***

The prosecuting attorney just could not believe that the jury had found the defendant not guilty.

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"

The foreman replied, "Insanity."

The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"

***

My husband was telling me about a news item he heard on National Public Radio about how the U.S. military is enlisting honeybees to find land mines. The insects are trained to react to the scent of TNT, then are fitted with transmitters and sent out to search for underground explosives.

"When they smell TNT," my husband explained, "the insects hover over the area and the military tracks them to the site to safely eliminate the land mine."

"Gee," I remarked, "it gives a whole new meaning to the slogan 'Bee all that you can bee!'"

***

I was having some chest pains, but my cardiologist assured me nothing was wrong. Then I told him I was planning a cruise to Alaska and asked if he had any suggestions for avoiding the discomfort. "Have fun," he said with a straight face, "but don't go overboard."

***

Most people would be angry if their company was bought and the new owners replaced them with their own people. Not our neighbor Andy. "You know how it goes," he said, waxing philosophical. "Every circus brings its own clowns."

***

Following a blowout shindig the night before, a co-worker was looking the worse for wear. "Are you feeling all right?" I asked. "I don't know," she answered slowly. "I think I'm suffering from post-partying depression."

                                  ***

"At the end of the day, the King and the Pawn go back into the same box" - Italian Proverb

***

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

***

I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me.

"Going out?" I called to them.

"No," said the man. "Just friends."

***

I realized the impact of computers on my young son one evening when there was a dramatic sunset. Pointing to the western sky, David said, "I wish we could click and save that."

***

Another man and I share a locker at work. Noticing that it needed a new combination lock, my partner said he would pick one up on his way to work the next day. It occurred to me later that I might not see him in the morning. How would I find out the combination? I needn't have worried.

When I arrived at work I found that he had used the locker before me and had left a note reading: "To find the first number subtract 142 from your high score the last time we went bowling. The second number is 16 less than that. To find the third number subtract 1.87 from the amount you owe me."

***

 A sign on Washington's Route 8, featuring an illustration of a police car with lights flashing, reads" "If you drink and drive, we'll provide the chasers."

***

At the beginning of my junior year of High School in Arkansas, our homeroom teacher had us fill out a form stating our future goals. Out of curiosity, I leaned over to see what my friend put down for her aspirations. Where it read "Vocational Plans," she had written, "Florida."

***

Using a new painting program on my computer, I managed to come up with a very credible still life of fruit. I made a color printout and sent it to my daughter, a graphic designer. She called when it arrived. "Isn't it good?" I asked.

She chuckled, and in a tone that echoed mine from years ago, replied, "Mom, it's beautiful. We put it on the refrigerator."

***

The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one.

They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found her- self responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.

The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time--we'll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."

But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"

***

"Some people have a way with words, and other people...

not have way." --Steve Martin

***

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

***

A famous football coach was on vacation with his family in Maine. When they walked into a movie theater and sat down, the handful of people there applauded. He thought to himself, "I can't believe it. People recognize me all the way up here."

Then a man came over to him and said, "Thanks for coming.

They won't start the movie unless we have ten customers or more."

***

"I had the worst study habits in the history of college, until I found out what I was doing wrong -- highlighting with a black magic marker." -Jeff Altman

***

"Not until I went to the churches of America and heard her pulpits aflame with righteousness did I understand the secret of her genius and power.  America is great because she is good, and if America ever ceases to be good, America will cease to be great." -- Alexis De Tocqueville (1840)

                                  ***

One night a father sent his son upstairs to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!''

''No. You had your chance. Be quiet and go to sleep.''

A minute later the boy screamed, ''Dad!! Can you PLEASE get me a glass of water?''

''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.''

A minute later the boy yelled, ''Dad, when you come up to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?''

***

I've been reading a new book, if any of you would like to borrow it just let me know. It's called the "Useful Golf Book". It contains some really good articles such as:

* How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt

* How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee

* How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker

* How to get more distance off the shank

* Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk

* Crying and how to handle it

* How to rationalize a 7-hour round

* How to find the ball that everyone else saw go in the water

* Why your spouse no longer cares that you birdied the 4th

* How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting embarrassed

* How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee

***

The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.

"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.

"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. It's always for you."

***

A lawyer was getting fitted for a suit at his tailor's

office. As he was standing there, he decided to have some

fun with the man. "I guess our jobs are pretty similar,"

said the lawyer.

The tailor remained silent, so the lawyer continued, "What

I mean is that we're both in the same business - making

suits. And both of our suits end up in a court of law."

The tailor said nothing, but continued measuring, so the

lawyer added, "Of course, I went to college and then law

school for seven years to learn how to make my suits."

"Yes," said the tailor, "but when I make a suit, it only

costs you a hundred dollars."

***

"Kia has a new slogan. 'The power to surprise.' I can

understand that. Anytime you put a key in one and it starts,

you're surprised!" --Jay Leno

***

"The choice before us is plain: Christ or chaos, conviction

or compromise, discipline or disintegration. I am rather tired

of hearing about our rights...The time is come...to hear about

responsibilities..." -- U.S. Senate Chaplain Peter Marshall,

January 13, 1947

***

When my daughter was 13, we took a trip to London. As we travel around our country, we see many signs which say "For Rent". The British have signs which say "To Let".

At one particular spot in London where we could see many "To Let" signs, my daughter looked around and said, "Where's the i?"

***

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and fishing equipment, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house and slipped back into bed, where my wife was turned away from me. I whispered to her, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 20 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?"

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.

***

My wife cannot ride in a car without telling whoever is driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She is, bar none, the worst back seat driver in the world. I have long thought this, though she would deny it. She claimed she seldom, if ever made comments about my driving. I, of course, claimed the opposite. Now I have proof.

The other day we were headed for the mall and my daughter piped up, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?"

***

A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

***

"Today was actually a very lucky day for me. I woke up this morning, and I got an unbelievable e-mail. Apparently, a Nigerian prince left me $47 million. And all I have to do to claim it, is pay a $500 filing fee. So you won't have me to kick around anymore." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"No people can be bound to acknowledge and adore the invisible hand which conducts the affairs of men more than the people of the United States.  Every step, by which they have advanced to the character of an independent nation, seems to have been distinguished by some token of providential agency."  -- George Washington

***

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity."

***

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

***

"China is pitching in for green week. From now on, all toys from China will be made with recycled lead." -Jay Leno

***

A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate immediately.

One of these phones had a sign that said, "Out of Order."

Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running!"

***

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." --Edmund Burke

***

During a training session at an artillery unit, the sergeant-major was busy describing how the sophisticated aiming device of the artillery weapon system is used:

"As you all know, there are 180 degrees in a circle."

One of the soldiers put up his hand and said: "But there are 360 degrees in a circle, sergeant-major."

"You idiot," replied the sergeant-major, "I am obviously speaking about a small circle!"

***

"Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity." 

--Frank Leahy

***

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

***

After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs,

she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or

fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player.

Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a

few days later to see how she was managing. "Fine. I listened

to Shania Twain this morning," she said.

"The whole CD?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "just one side."

                                  ***

“We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking, only

to learn that it is God who is shaking them.” (Charles C. West)

***

"As the economy lags, the Army is getting more and more selective. They announced this week they will no longer accept drug addicts and felons. So if you're drug addict or a felon, you're not welcomed in the United States Army. The good news: There's always Congress, the NFL, and show business." -Jay Leno

***

The Economy Is So Bad...

     -CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

    -Jewish women are marrying for love.

    -Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration

     aren't paying their taxes.

    -HotWheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

    -Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package:

     GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

    -McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

    -Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their

     children's names.

    -A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico .

    -The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

    -People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

    -Motel Six won't leave the light on.

    -The Mafia is laying off judges.

 And finally ...

     -Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.  Hey, great idea ... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

***

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls Rush Limbaugh and tells him, "Rush, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Rush asks.

Mahmoud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Rush says, "You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream.  I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmoud asks.

Rush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

***

"Our constitution was made only for a moral and religious people.  It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other." --John Adams

***

President Obama has lifted the travel ban to Cuba. I want to remind people that if they do travel to Cuba, don't forget to set your watch back 50 years." -Jay Leno

***

I was watching an old George & Gracie episode last night, and their accountant was trying to figure out some of Gracie's deductions:

Personal expenses: $120 for a wave -- You see, my friend waved, and when I waved back I drove into a tree.

Under health expenses: $50 for a full-length mirror -- That's right, I got it for my father so he wouldn't get pneumonia. You see, before he only had a half-length mirror, so when he went outside he forgot his pants.

$75 for goldfish -- Well, I put the goldfish bowl on the phonograph and turn it on so the goldfish get their exercise without having to swim around.

***

"This whole pirate situation is getting out of control...

two more attacks yesterday. Apparently, what they do is pull up to a ship, fire some shots to scare everyone off, then climb up the side, and then I guess they copy and distribute DVDs." -Jimmy Fallon

***

I was stationed at Myrtle Beach, S.C., I spent my spare time fishing in the backwaters of the Intercostals Waterway. Soon I became a guide of sorts for some senior noncommissioned officers.

Once, a chief master sergeant hooked a 20-pound striped bass.

After he reeled the fish onto the boat, he slipped the hook out of its mouth and released it back into the water.

He must have noticed the puzzled look on my face, "Rank does have its privileges. I can't keep a fish that has more stripes than I do," he explained.

***

"Daddy," said my 11-year-old daughter, "I think I want to join the Army."

"Baby," I answered, "I think the Air Force would be a better option for you."

"But I don't want to be a pilot."

"You don't have to be a pilot," I told her. "There are other jobs in the Air Force."

Her answer: "I don't want to be a flight attendant either."

***

"If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be."

-- Thomas Jefferson

***

A passerby stopped to watch a baseball game taking place at the local park.

"Who's playing?" he asked another observer.

"The Masons against the Knights of Columbus," he responded.

"What's the score?"

"I don't know. It's a secret."

***

"The economy is horrible, isn't it? Just horrible. Every day there are little reminders that jump right in your face and remind you how bad the economy is. This morning, I wake up, I go downstairs. The Starbucks that was in my living room has closed." --David Letterman

***

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away." --Billiam Coronell

***

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!"

***

"It's so simple to sound wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." -Sam Levenson

***

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."  -Mitch Hedberg

***

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

***

Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor's dog, who has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, "I've had enough of this." He rushes downstairs and out the door.

Chris finally returns and Pat says, "The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?"

Chris says, "I put the dog in our backyard. NOW let's see how our neighbor likes it."

                                      ***

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs, "Your badge! Show him your badge!"

***

"Here in New York a museum will display over 200 brooches that belonged to former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. It'll be part of a new exhibit called, 'Why Kids Hate Museums.'" -Jimmy Fallon

***

 A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?"

There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'yes.'"

***

God is not so much concerned with time, but with timing.

***

Sometimes I wonder..."Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?"...and then it hits me!

***

"Over the weekend in D.C., first lady Michelle Obama was at a homeless shelter serving food to the homeless. Isn't that nice? Reaching out to the middle class." -Jay Leno

***

According to a news report, a certain private school in  Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A  number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the Bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the  next day the girls would put them back. Finally the  principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there  with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the  mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

***

"The Obamas are expecting the arrival of the first dog in April. Actually, this will be the Obamas' second choice of a dog. The first dog had some tax problems." -Jay Leno

***

Although I had arrived 20 minutes early for my one o'clock doctor's appointment, I watched patient after patient disappear into the various rooms. Now, I know things happen, and that more serious issues are typically dealt with first, so I was able to accept that those coming in after me were seen first, But when I was still sitting in the waiting room 1 1/2 hours later, I'd had enough and had become pretty irate.

Fortunately, as I got up and went to the receptionist, I calmed down enough to handle it without anger.

Instead I calmly said, "I know my son's appointment was for one o'clock. Can you tell me if that was a.m. or p.m.?"

***

We'll be friends until we're old and senile.  Then we'll be new friends.

***

Flying through the Midwest in the summertime means one thing: turbulence. I was working as a flight attendant on one particular flight when we hit a patch of very rough air just after a young teenager, obviously on her first flight, had entered the bathroom. After the bumps had subsided, she exited the bathroom, a look of sheer terror etched on her face.

"Are you all right?" I asked as I helped her to her seat. "Don't worry,

that turbulence was as bad as it gets."

"So that's what it was," she said. "I thought I'd pushed the wrong button."

                                   ***

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

                                   ***

One morning, three Cajuns and three Yankees were in a ticket line at a

train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as

the three Cajuns bought just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from Louisiana.

All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Cajuns crammed into a restroom together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.

He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please."  The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, it was so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched while to their astonishment, the three Cajuns didn't buy even one ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answered the three Cajun boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into one restroom and the three Cajuns crammed into another one just down the way.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Cajuns left their restroom and walked over to the one in which the Yankees were hiding.

The Cajun knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

***

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.  -- John Adams

***

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office." --Aesop

***

Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.

One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?"

***

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

On a more positive note, though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

***

"I went to the doctor and all he did was suck blood from my neck. Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!" -Mitch Hedberg

***

"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, un-  married with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison." -Tim Allen

                                  ***

A woman walked into the elevator tossing her keys up in the air and catching them. After one too many tosses, she dropped the keys, and we watched as they disappeared into the crack between the open doors and the floor.  I felt terrible for her.  Or I did until she cried, "Oh no, not again!"

- Reader's Digest

***

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO

paperwork and was burned out.  Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and, learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.  "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the tail pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire life.

***

Q. - What do you call a toothless grizzy?

A. - A gummy bear.

Q. - How do penguins use the internet?

A. - With their web feet.

Q. - How many vampires does it take to change a light bulb?

A. - None! Vampires love the dark.

Q. - Why was 6 afraid of 7?

A. - Because 7, 8, 9!

***

In a small Texas town, the owner of Drummond's Bar began construction on a new building to increase his business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."

***

 "A family in Brooklyn found a boa constrictor in their couch. They were beginning to get suspicious because they were the only apartment in New York that didn't have rats."

-David Letterman

***

A taxi cab driver got a call to pick up someone from the airport. When he got there, he was surprised to see a nun waiting for the taxi. As she climbed into the car and gave the driver the address, the driver noticed how beautiful she was.

As he drove on, he kept looking into his rear-view mirror at her. The nun couldn't help but notice him looking. Finally, the cab driver said, "You know, Sister, I think you're really quite beautiful."

"Well, thank you," she answered.

The driver went on, "I've always had a fantasy of kissing a nun."

"Really?" she asked. "Well, then, pull over." The driver did so. Then the nun asked him a few questions. "Are you married?" she asked.

"No," said the driver.

"Are you Catholic?"

"Yes," the man nodded.

"Well, all right then," she said and stepped out of the car and gave him a big kiss on the lips.

The driver felt so ashamed that he decided to tell her the truth. "Sister, I have to tell you the truth: I AM married and I'm NOT Catholic."

"That's okay," smiled the nun. "My name's Henry and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

***

First I had to work late. Then I discovered that I'd locked my keys in the car. But the last straw was learning that roadside service couldn't get a locksmith to me for at least two hours. Finally the guy showed, looking exhausted.

As he struggled with my door, I joked, "Do those Slim Jim tools come in

purse-size?"

"Yeah," he muttered. "They're called keys."

***

As a woman in the Marines, I often don't feel as feminine as when I had a civilian job in which I wore dresses and left my hair down. One day I was feeling especially depressed about this and couldn't wait to get home to change. When I arrived, I found that my friend and her 18-month-old daughter had been waiting for me.

My friend is married to a Marine, and my worries about appearing less than feminine only increased when her little girl glanced up at me and yelled happily, "Daddy's home!"

***

I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.

It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

***

Success comes in cans, failures in can'ts.

***

A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I hadn't once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."

"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."

***

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district-court judge found the perfect green tie to match one of her husband's sport jackets. Soon after, while the couple was relaxing at a resort complex to get his mind off a complicated cocaine  conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a "bug"

planted by the conspiracy defendants.

The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C., for analysis. Next week the judge phoned Washington to find out the results of their tests.

"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

***

Two convicts are working on a chain gang. "I heard the warden's daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D,"

the first con says to the other. "The warden's mighty upset about it too."

"Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a con?"

"No. Because they eloped."

***

My partner and I pulled our police cruiser up behind a car stopped on the shoulder of the highway. We got out and asked the driver if we could help. No, he replied, there was no trouble; he had just stopped to look at a map. When we turned back, we noticed that his German shepherd had jumped in the open passenger-side front window of our car.

"You may think there's no trouble," I smiled, "but your dog obviously thinks he's done something wrong. He's in our patrol car."

He laughed. "He probably thinks you've come to take him to work," he replied. "He's a retired police dog."

***

The other day in Indiana, a woman burst into tears while she was robbing a Long John Silver's and told the cashier, "If I weren't down and out, I wouldn't be doing this."

Then the cashier told her, "That's what all our customers say."

 -Conan O'Brien

***

"Here is a very odd story. A woman in Tennessee is now suing a local

pharmacy after buying what she thought were birth control patches. They

turned out to be nicotine patches. The good news, her new baby is now down to a half a pack a day."

--Jay Leno

***

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

***

Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

***

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.  The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that.

I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.  I'm looking for my wife, too.  I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy say, "Well, maybe I can help you find her.  What does she look like?"

The second old guy say, "Well, she's 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs and is wearing short shorts.  What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

***

One cold night my furnace died, so I went to my parents' house. In the

morning, a neighbor called to tell me that my water pipes had burst and

flooded my town house and hers. I raced home-and on the way got a speeding

ticket.

Then the furnace repairman arrived and told me he didn't think he had the proper fuse but would check in his truck. Meanwhile, the plumber cut holes in my bathroom wall to locate the leak.

When the furnace repairman returned, he held aloft a fuse. "I had the right one after all," he said triumphantly. "This must be your lucky day."

***

My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion:

In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.

"Who would you pick to portray you?" she asked me.

I thought about it for a minute, then answered, "Dennis Quaid."

"In that case," she said, "I'll play myself."

***

Sitting through fire safety and prevention programs can make anyone nod off. So the instructor tried to lighten the mood by going around the room asking where all the guests were from. "Burnt Mattress, Arkansas," called out the friend sitting next to me.

"Burnt Mattress!" said the instructor, suppressing a laugh. "I've heard some unusual town names before, but never that one. Where's it located?"

My friend shot back, "Right above Hot Springs."

***

The teacher in an adult Sunday school class asked a woman to read about the Israelites wandering in the desert.

"The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!'" she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month - until you loathe it."

When the woman finished she paused, looked up and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"

***

During a bank robbery the police chief told the sergeant to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away.

Later the sergeant reports to the chief. "Sorry Sir, but they got away."

The chief very angry says, "I told you to cover all of the exits!"

"I did," replied the sergeant, "but they got away through the entrance."

***

A sixth-grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell "before."

He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent, Johnny. Now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

***

One day during cooking class, our teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.

When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory.

"Why wooden spoons?" I asked.

"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts."

***

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.

The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"

***

A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer.

The mother skunk calmly instructed her young, "Quickly, children, let's put our heads together!"

After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now -- let us spray!"

***

A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"

Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."

***

She had been thinking about coloring her hair. One day while going through a magazine, she came across an ad for a hair coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that she liked.

Wanting a second opinion, she asked her husband, "How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?"

He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. "Just great, hon."

***

Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied: "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.

***

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch.

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken doesn't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.

So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

***

A family had spent the day moving from their farmhouse into a brand new house in a development nearby. Very early the next morning, their 3 year-old son ran in to the parent's bedroom to wake them up. The mother dressed him and told him to play in the yard. About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

"Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "Everybody has doorbells - and they all work!"

***

The three Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air conditioner.

On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The three brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that three gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, in which it was about 130 degrees. They then turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to his office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner," on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

Now, old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million, and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Norm, Hi, and Max on the dashboard.

***

"The U.S. Army just said that it has managed to increase recruitment by allowing fatter people to enlist. In fact, several new recruits have volunteered for a daring raid on a refrigerator." -Conan O'Brien

***

A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation.  He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.

"What!" shouted his boss.  "I can't give you more time now.  Why didn't you get married while you were off?"

"Are you nuts?" he replied.  "That would have ruined my whole vacation."

***

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Braden, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Braden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' 

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T

error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' 

Braden grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like that kid . . .

***

Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave."

Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?"

***

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

***

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists

found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English

scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."

***

Pauly got a job as a casket salesman in the local funeral home. He's talking to this old guy, who's come in to plan his funeral for "one of these days."

"Now, sir," says Pauly, " think you'll want this model. It's a beautiful piece of equipment, and a steal at $4,000."

"No," said the old guy, "that's really too much for a casket. How much is THIS one right here?"

"Oh," said Pauly, "it's the bottom of the line and is just $1,000."

"I think I'd like that one," said the old guy.

"Wait just a minute, sir. This casket is very narrow. You just lie down in here and TRY to spread your elbows!"

***

An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused, and then said, "Sir, how old are you?"

"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"

***

Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the perfect tree. Hours later our feet would be freezing, but Mom would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was "just up ahead."

One year I snapped. "Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn't exist. It's like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn't dead, doesn't have too many bald spots and is straight."

***

Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What's this?" she asked.

"It's a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to her, I added, "It's for holding up stockings."

"Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile, "we'll use it next Christmas Eve."

***

Our son, Steve, was cutting his lawn with a power mower when it slid down an embankment, lopped off a large chunk of his tennis shoe and badly nicked the tip of his left toe.

Days later, Steve was at home recuperating on the couch when his brother-in-law called. "I thought I'd bring over a couple of videos to help pass the time," he said.

"Hey, thanks," said Steve. "What are they?"

"The Lawnmower Man and My Left Foot."

***

As the woman was instructing the new maid on the great care required in handling certain valuable household objects, she pointed to the dining room and said with great satisfaction, "That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth."

"Oh, that's nothing," the maid interjected. "My whole living-room set goes back to Sears the fifteenth."

***

"What kind of music do you sing?"

"Aqua-pella."

"Don't you mean 'a cappella', singing without instrumental accompaniment?"

"Nope. I mean 'aqua-pella', singing accompanied only by the water coming out of the shower-head."

***

My daughter married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four year old son two stuffed bears -- one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb.

When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. "See, Connor?" he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. "That's Daddy."

Connor's eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, "You used to be a bear?"

***

The night before she was to attend a celebrity golf tournament, my friend Irene went to a party in honor of the event. Several of the famous athletes who were playing in the tournament were at the door greeting guests. Among them was Joe Montana, the pro football Hall of Fame quarterback and Super Bowl winner.

Shaking my friend's hand, he said, "Hi! Joe Montana."

She didn't know Joe Montana from Joe Six-Pack, so in all sincerity, as she shook his hand she responded, "Hello! Irene Minnesota."

***

Ever wonder what medical personnel scribble on those clipboards attached to the foot of the bed? Here are some incredible comments taken from hospital charts:

"The patient refused autopsy."

"The patient has no previous history of suicides."

"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

"Discharge status: Alive but without my permission."

***

Toward the end of a church service, the minister asked the congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

All held up their hands except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have an enemy in the world," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"I happen to be ninety-eight years young," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have a single enemy?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived them all."

***

The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm.  "Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?"

"No Ma'am," he replied. "If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle."

***

An atheist created a case against the Easter & Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized day(s).

The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, 'Case dismissed.'

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, etc.  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashanah, and Hanukkah. Yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.'

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, 'But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.'

The lawyer said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.'

The judge said, 'The calendar shows April 1st is 'April Fools Day.'  Psalm 14:1 states:  'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool.  Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.

***

"People magazine reportedly paid Angelina Jolie $14 million  for pictures of her twins. You can read about the deal in  Jolie's new self-help book, 'How to Have Babies for Fun and  Profit.'" -Conan O'Brien

***

As the shopping center's marketing director, I was putting the finishing touches on an ad. I asked Nancy, the newspaper's sales representative, how to spell "eligible." She wrote it down on a card she fished from her purse. I completed the copy, returned the card to her, and she left.

Not long after, I received a call from the manager of one of our shoe stores. He asked if I knew if Nancy was married. I told him I thought so and asked why he was interested.

"She just gave me her business card," he said, "and on the back she's written 'eligible'."

***

Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds that were gathering.

"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."

Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm in sales, not management!"

***

A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading a magazine while other patients came and went.

Suddenly her turn was called, but when she stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep." Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress.

Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you he was a wonderful doctor!"

***

Three men were canoeing down the Amazon River when they were captured by cannibals. They were told they would each get one last wish before they were skinned and made into boats.

The first man wished for a last meal. He was given a sumptuous meal, which was specially prepared with all the best ingredients.

The second man wished to be married to the most beautiful woman in the tribe. His wish was granted for his last remaining day.

The third man wished simply for a fork. The confused village elders gave him a fork, then watched in horror as he poked himself full of holes and said, "Ain't nobody making a boat out of me!"

***

During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."

***

Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

***

We invited some old friends to help celebrate my 40th birthday. My husband went out to buy a gift, and he saw some cute little music boxes. A blue one was playing "Happy Birthday to You." Thinking they were all the same, he picked up a red one and asked the clerk to have it gift-wrapped.

When we sat down to dinner, he gave it to me, asked me to open it and -surprise- out came the tune to "The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be."

***

An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout.

"Scout, you must use all your thirty years of skills for me and try to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."

The trusty Indian Scout lays down and puts his ear to the ground.

"Large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. Many, many guns! Medicine man also with them."

"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"

"No," replied the Indian. "I can see under the gate."

***

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Toot, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse on this stupid question, I told her that No, I didn't have a dog, but I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her No, I stepped off a curb to sniff noses with an Irish Setter and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was

laughing so hard!

***

"I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on." -Beryl Pfizer, American journalist

***

"Everyone's getting into the Halloween spirit this year. The Democratic

candidate changed his name to 'Barack o'Lantern.'" -David Letterman

***

A woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $2.40 for fast delivery or $1.30 for slower service.

"There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is delivered within my lifetime."

The postmaster glanced at her and said, "That will be $2.40, please."

***

A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."

***

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"

***

Two drunk farmers are helping each other home late one night, staggering down the railroad tracks. After about half a mile, Vern declares with some annoyance, "Shoot, this sure is a long staircase!"

At that Chet slurs back, "Well, it ain't the stairs that're botherin' me so much as these stink'in low handrails."

***

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The women were arguing noisily even in the court.

The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them, said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

***

'Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of a woman. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses.' --Ivern Boyett

***

'There are more important things in life than money - but they won't go out with you if you're broke.' --Unknown

***

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small new England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village, and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.

There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously, and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! she chided herself. You're a happily married woman with three children; you're forty-five years old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order, and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.

His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman: 'You put it in your purse.'

***

'Just six days from today, we'll know for sure exactly which candidate will be suing the other for voter fraud.' -Jay Leno

***

As an engineer in an upscale hotel, I was asked to repair or replace the television in a guest room. When I arrived, the couple was watching a picture one-third the size of the screen. I knew all our spare sets were in use, so I figured what the heck: I struck the side of the TV with the heel of my hand. Just my luck the picture returned to full size.

'Look, honey,' said the wife to her husband. 'He went to the same repair school as you.'

***

'Yesterday in Washington, the Secret Service arrested a man who climbed over the White House fence. The Secret Service told the man, 'Get back here, Mr. President, you have two more months.'' -Conan O'Brien

***

You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.

You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.

You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.

You cannot build character and courage by taking away men's initiative and independence.

You cannot help men permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.  

   --Abraham Lincoln

***

"The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

***

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop,' says the deputy. 'License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the deputy says.

The lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out a squirt gun and starts spraying the lawyer all over his face. He then asks, 'Do you want me to stop or just slow down?'

***

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, 'The plane is very full with baggage and passengers.' Then she asked, 'How much do you weigh, sir?'

Not thinking clearly I answered, 'With or without clothes?'

'Well,' said the clerk, 'how do you intend to travel?'

***

Finally, after years of testing business software, I landed my dream job -- trying out computer games. My first day at work I was listing various ideas in a spreadsheet program when my manager walked by.

He looked at my screen for a moment, then said sternly, 'I'd better not catch you using spreadsheets on company time when you know you should be playing games.'

***

Many hymnals have a hymn called "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear."

It seems that one week when the church secretary was typing the Sunday bulletin, she asked the pastor which hymn would come just before the sermon. He replied with the above-mentioned hymn.

The following Sunday the bulletin read:

Hymn No. 134: "Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear."

***

The new bride wanted everything to be perfect for the Thanksgiving dinner she was hosting for her in-laws.  so she called the turkey hotline and said, "I bought a 12-pound bird.  How long does it need to cook?"

"Just a minute," siad the hotline operator, paging through her reference book.

"Thanks!" said the bride as she hung up.

(Thanks to Reader's Digest)

***

Why did the potato cross the road?

He saw a fork up ahead.

How do you describe an angry potato?

Boiling Mad.

Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?

Because he was a commontater.

Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?

He desperately wanted a scoop.

What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?

Anything, just butter him up.

What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?

It's mashing!

What do you call a baby potato?

A small fry!

***

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and

one of his friends burst through the door.

"Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"

"No."

"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."

"Some other time; I'm busy."

"Dad, you have to meet them now."

From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside.

I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.

"Where are they?" I asked.

"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball

is in their living room!"

***

A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, "You know, honey, I think there

might be some real merit to what this article says, that the intelligence of a

father often proves a stumbling block to the son."

"Well, thank heaven," said the wife, "at least our James has nothing standing in his way."

***

Q: How do you say "Michael Phelps" in Chinese?

A: Ka Ching.

(Thanks to Reader's Digest)

***

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, 'What kinds of ice cream do you have?'

'Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry,' the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest, and seemed unable to continue.

'Do you have laryngitis?' the young man asked sympathetically.

'Nope,' she whispered, 'just vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.'

***

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

'That's it,' he tells his wife. 'I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.'

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, 'Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try.'

'That's no good,' sighs Arthur. 'Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help.'

'He may be a hundred and three,' says the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect.'

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. 'Did you see the ball?'

'Of course I did!' replies the brother-in-law. 'I have perfect eyesight.'

'Where did it go?' asks Arthur.

'I don't remember.'

***

'Here's some good news – a woman in Milwaukee gave birth to a 13 pound 12 ounce baby girl last week. Thirteen pound 12 ounces. Doctors say the baby will be walking before the mother.' --Jay Leno

***

On my way to a picnic, I stopped at a fast-food place to order a quart of potato salad.

'We don't sell it by the quart,' the clerk snapped.

'Okay, then give me two pints, please,' I replied.

I'm proud to say I held my tongue when she asked, 'Do you want it in one container?'

***

I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try.

Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock.

Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, 'The numbers are written on the ceiling.'

***

"The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there's a huge difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas, people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno

***

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.

"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."

"What is that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.

***

"All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others." --Henny Youngman

***

I purchased a telephone-answering machine with a prerecorded message that used a male voice. When Mother returned from vacation, I forgot to mention it to her.

The next Saturday, the phone rang and the machine answered. After the message, there was a pause and the caller hung up. A second time and the same result.

Then the phone rang a third time. I heard, "This is your mother, I think. If I am, please call me."

***

"I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence." --George Bernard Shaw

***

Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in, sits down and asks him what the problem is.

"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?" asked Tom.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly."

"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO...'"

***

At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.  "Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"  "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"

***

Footprints in the sands of time are never made by sitting down.

***

I'm a driving examiner for the state of Indiana, and while I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a red light without stopping. I told him that he had automatically failed the test.

We met up with his mother back at the office, and I explained what had happened. At first she was speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran a red light?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"

***

I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order.

I approached the bartender.

"Have you ever heard of a drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked.

He admitted he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him.

"Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."

***

Top brass from the Army, Navy, and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.

The Army general called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands and salute. The private quickly complied.

Next, the admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly, and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.

Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the Army and Navy men had done, but in full battle gear, with pack filled with bricks and loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the Marine general and said, "Sir, you're out of your mind, sir!"

The Marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"

***

After I asked for a half-pound salmon fillet at my supermarket's seafood counter, the clerk picked one out of a pile and set it on the scale. It weighed precisely eight ounces. Impressed, I asked, "How did you know?"

Looking pleased with himself, he declared, "I'm psychotic." 

***

Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I've decided. One lunchtime I watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading mayonnaise on my bread, and noticed part of her grubby work shirt was dragging across it. "Excuse me," I ventured, "your sleeve is in the mayo."

"No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."

***

"A cynic is a man, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."  --Henry L. Mencken

***

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."

***

"A new study has found that teenagers are drinking less, and they are smoking less. The reason for the decrease is that the teens don't want to be a bad influence on their kids."  --Craig Kilborn

***

If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal media...

On Red Sea crossing:

WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE

Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:

HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION

Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:

FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:

HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS

Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:

PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH

Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:

LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED

'Faith Healer' Causes Bankruptcy

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:

MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE

Local Farmer's Investment Lost

On raising Lazarus from the dead:

FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK

Will Reading to be Delayed

***

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school.

"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be five years from now?"

"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon.  I guess I'd be on the golf course by now."

***

"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit they have tried on a bra. The sad part is, 43 percent of American men actually need one." --Jay Leno

***

"Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling says she might not stop at 7 books and might make an 8th book about Harry as an adult. When asked why she said, "There's still money in the world that I don't have yet."  --Conan O'Brien  

***

It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of

waiting customers, a harried-looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?"

Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move."

***

As the boss was leaving the office to play golf, he instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk. Shortly after he left, a member of his foursome called to find out which course they were playing that day. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.

"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?"

***

Forget Rednecks ... here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New

Englanders...

You Might Be a New Englander if...

... your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May.

... someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there.

... you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time.

... you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.

... "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend.

... you measure distance in hours.

... you know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

... you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

... you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.

... you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.

... you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.

... you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

... the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, you're going 80, and everybody is passing you.

... driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

... you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.

... you have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

... you find 10 degrees "a little chilly."

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends, you definitely are a New Englander.

***

"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?" –Emo Philips

***

Driving through New Jersey on Interstate 80 en route from Pennsylvania to New York, I came upon a group of cars that were abnormally traveling exactly at the 55 m.p.h. speed limit. In the middle of the group was a state police cruiser that everyone was reluctant to pass.

After several minutes the officer's voice rang out over his roof-mounted

loudspeaker. "For heaven's sake, move!" he commanded. "I'm a Pennsylvania trooper."

***

You know what they call the guy who finishes last in medical school? They call him "Doctor". --Abe Lemons

***

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

'Nah,' one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

***

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

'All right, son,' asked the father, 'what does that show you?'

'Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms.'

***

'There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this isn't true.' --Ian Hart  

***

Real Signs and Advertisements...  

Signs In a clothing store:  

'Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.'  

In the window of an Oregon general store:  

'Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?'  

In a Pennsylvania cemetary:  

'Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.'  

On a Tennessee highway:  

'Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is  impassable.'  

From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat pocket:  

'If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.'  

On a Maine shop:  

'Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.'  

On a delicatessen wall:  

'Our best is none too good.'  

***

 My father, an Air Force Academy graduate, still retains a strict military code of ethics as well as a quick wit. One day I mentioned that I was thinking about getting my belly-button pierced.

'No way!' my father fired back. 'This is an Air Force family -- no navel destroyers are allowed!'  

***

During a hike with my friend I noticed a black bird roosting in a nearby tree. 'I've always wondered what the difference is between a crow and a raven,' I said.   

'You have to count the pinion feathers on the wings,' my friend explained. 'If there are four, it's a crow. If it's five, it's a raven.'  

'Really?' I said, although I knew he didn't have a clue what he was talking about.  

'Oh yes,' he replied, 'the difference is just a matter of a pinion.' 

***

Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the reenactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down.  

That's when the Confederate general yelled, 'Fire at Will!

***

I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped into a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I mis-stepped, and I fell down an entire flight of stairs (13 to be exact). I was bruised and bleeding and had torn my jeans ... but my main concern was, naturally, for my child.

My fears were alleviated, though, when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"

***

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just go 'chunky dunking.'

***

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos.  And they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, Mohammed.  He would be 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though," mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son, Kalid.  He would be 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."

"He's a martyr too." says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me ..." says the other.

"And this is my third son.  My baby.  My beautiful Ahmed.  He would be 18,"

she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says,

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

***

"Police in Germany say they arrested a man in a wheelchair for breaking into a building. They say the man would have gotten away, but they shot out his tires." -Conan O'Brien

***

Sally phoned her husband, Bill, at work for a chat.

"I'm sorry dear," said Bill, "but I'm up to my neck in work today. I don't have time to chat."

Sally replied, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."

"OK, darling," said Bill, "but as I've got no time right now, just give me the good news."

"OK," agreed Sally. "Well, the air bag works!"

***

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

***

Quasimodo comes down from the bell tower and goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.  

"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.  

"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.  

"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch." 

***

"The other week I went to see my doctor ... I was in the waiting room, and I decided to pass the time finishing a novel. But the other patients complained about the noise of the typewriter." --Arthur Brown  

***

While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than ( > ) and a less-than sign ( < ) on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?"

A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"

***

"Don't worry, I can stay out late tonight," Joe told his friend Bob. "My wife's gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean."  

"Jamaica?" Bob asked.  

"No, it was her idea."

***

Past experience should be a guide post...not a hitching post.

***

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher. "These students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter in the Book of Mark."

***

You know you're a lousy cook if...

-your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire alarm.

-anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.

-your kids know what 'peas porridge in a pot nine days old' tastes like.

-your son goes outside to make mud pies, and the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.

-your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.

-you have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle. (You may have to think about this one for a few

seconds)

-your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.

-your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.

***

"Today, Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia filed for divorce. And because New York is a community property state, Cynthia could end up with 268 career home runs."  

 -Conan O'Brien   

***

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.  

The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."  

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"  

The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...They have them aimed at themselves."  

***

One of the best things a person can have up their sleeve is a funny-bone.

***

Nobel Peace Prize winner Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa explains the history of white settlement of his country like this:

When the white man came, we had the land and he had the Bible.

He said, "Let us pray," so we all bowed our heads, closed our eyes, and prayed.

And when we opened our eyes, lo and behold, we had the Bible and he had the land.

But you know, we got the best deal!

***

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we were alongside the road, and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get sooo stressed and little things just seem funny?  Well, I couldn't believe it...he was a DWARF!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I am not happy!"

I looked down at him and said, "Well then, which one are you?"

***

My grandson, Justus, age 10, and his sister Taylor, age 13, were always teasing each other. One day, Justus was getting "sensitive" about things his sister was saying to him. I reminded him that he had said the same types of things many times in days past.

With quiet reflection, he spoke a gospel truth: "But it doesn't hurt as much coming out of my mouth as it does going into my ears."

***

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.  

One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the  

scene - what happened?"  

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light  

up."  

"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"  

"About 20 years, sir"  

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the  

last thing he'd have done."  

"It was, sir."  

***

Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market when George expressed a desire to give it a try. Jim  

advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of, etc. In his list of "pointers" was the fact that George  

should invest only small sums.  

But George threw caution to the winds and six months later sent an email to Jim, "So much for your darn "pointers!  

Now send me some "retrievers!"  

***

During the Revolutionary War, there was a small encampment of patriot soldiers camping in the woods. Before they went to bed that night, they tied chickens (they were saving them for a special meal when needed) to the trees around the campground.

Sure enough, some British soldiers were stumbling through the woods that night and frightened the chickens. Their screams and clucks woke the Patriots and they were able to defeat and capture the entire group of British soldiers. A few nights later, the cook prepared the chickens for dinner.

The soldiers said, 'This is really good. What do you call it?'

The chef said that in honor of these special chickens who saved their lives, he called it 'Chicken Catch a Tory.'

***

While my brother was stationed overseas, his wife wrote to him daily. For an added touch, she'd always scribble little  

abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelope.  

One day my brother received a letter with the familiar 'SWL'(sealed with love) message on the envelope. He noticed that  

the letter was sealed with tape and chuckled when he read this notation written by a postal employee: 'Love didn't  

stick--resealed in Seattle.'  

***

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."  

 --Ron Richards  

***

My therapist told me that the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

***

Two businessmen in New York city are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready - only a few shelves are set up.

One says to the other, 'I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious southerner walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, 'What're y'all sellin' here?'

One of the men replies, 'Oh! We're selling idiots here.'

Without skipping a beat, the southern gentleman says, 'Well, I see y'all're doing really good. You only got two left!'

***

When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.

***

My youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic training and was on leave prior to his first tour in Germany. I am an Army National Guard pilot, and my other brother is my crew chief.

Since we were headed to the airbase where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, we offered to take him. When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's fellow privates came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while my other brother and I followed with his gear.

As Tony approached his buddies, he was bewildered by their dumbfounded stares. Then he realized that his friends weren't seeing his two brothers giving him a lift; they were seeing a new private arrive in his own helicopter -- with a captain and sergeant carrying his bags!

***

As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently,  the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20% off sale.

"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something." she suggested.

"I don't have a girlfriend," I answered.

"No girlfriend?"

"No, my wife won't let me."

 [Thanks to Reader's Digest.]

***

A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tare."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand that neither."

***

I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her.

"I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered. "I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."

From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."

***

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her 21-year-old roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

***

"I was getting my teeth whitened, but then I said 'forget that, I'll just get a tan instead.'" -Mitch Hedberg

***

Did you hear about the two guys who decided to try duck hunting? They bought new outfits & equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they heard the hunting was really good.

But after several hours of thrashing through the woods, one fellow said, "I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck. Do you think we're doing something wrong?"

"I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough."

***

"According to a new survey, 56 percent of women say they would rather be thinner than smarter. The other 44 percent were models who didn't understand the question." -Jay Leno

***

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

***

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

***

I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it.

"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"

"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"

***

Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

***

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'

***

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was.  She would tell me and was always correct.  It was fun for me, so I continued.

At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!

***

One day after a nasty streak of bad weather, I asked my teenage son to take our dog for a long walk after school.

When I came home from work, I found my son stretched out on the recliner, watching television. He had leash in hand while the dog trotted happily away on the treadmill.

***

A teacher entered her classroom and said, "We are going to have a test today, come rain or shine."

Suddenly, a student burst out laughing.

"What's the matter? Why are you laughing?" asked the teacher.

"Because it's snowing!"

***

Once a blonde kept having the same weird dream every day, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?

Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire!

Doctor: Really... What was the scenery like?

Blonde: I was running in a hallway.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I would always come to this door, but I couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?

Blonde: Yes, it did.

Doctor: And what did the letters spell?

Blonde: It said, "P-U-L-L."

***

"I think vests are all about protection. The life vest protects you from drowning, the bullet-proof vest protects you from getting shot, and the sweater vest protects you from pretty girls." -Demetri Martin

***

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

***

Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the rest of our team.

Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.

"Excuse me," I said. "Can you tell me where we are?"

In a thick English accent, the woman replied, "Earth!"

***

Q. What animal should you never play cards with?

A. A cheetah.

Q. What shellfish lifts weights?

A. Mussels.

***

Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this

notice: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."

Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."

***

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said,"Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"

She was incredibly upset now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.

"Hey, lady!" it said.

"Yes?"

"You know."

***

Teen, trying on a jacket: How does this look on me, on a scale of one to ten, with five being in the middle?

***

Woman: He's very successful. I'm sure he's a millionaire by now, and he's only 26. He never even graduated from college.

Girl: I'm soooooo jealous. I wish I didn't have an education.

***

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

***

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"

***

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."  He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

***

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous," the first one said.

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

"What did you do?"

"I hid his teeth."

***

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her.

"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."

***

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends, and he took along a few pictures to show to them. The hostess looked at the photos and commented, "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

The photographer didn't make any comment, but as he was leaving to go home, he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

***

"Oil is $125 a barrel. But if you return the barrel...you get a $2 deposit back."  -Dave Letterman  

***

Recently a friend and I went out to eat late one Sunday morning. I was torn between ordering from the restaurant's breakfast and lunch menus, and finally asked the server to bring me both a chicken sandwich and an order of scrambled eggs. When she left, I wondered aloud about whether I'd just committed a faux pas.  

"I don't think so," said my friend. "But I AM wondering which one will come first." 

***

Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're probably right.  -Henry Ford

***

"I was going to get my mom something special for Mother's Day, but then I realized she's already going to get that economic stimulus check." -David Letterman  

***

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. 'Where would we be today,' she asked, 'if no one had ever been curious?'  

One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. 'In the Garden of Eden?'

***

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past a row of empty shopping carts when the cart-girl standing there called after him, 'Excuse me, did you want that cart?'  

'No,' he answered. 'I'm only after one thing.'  

As he walked into the store, he heard her murmur, 'Just like a man.'  

***

Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby.  I was elated when he called me at work all the way from Japan with the news of my grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers.  

'I'm a grandmother!' I declared. 'It's a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds.'  

'When was she born?' someone asked.  

Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar, and said in amazement, 'Tomorrow!'  

***

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.  

'Not Gutenberg?' gasped the collector.  

'Yes, that was it!'  

'You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!'  

'Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,' replied the man. 'It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther.' 

***

Our attitude is our thought life turned inside out.

***

The new bride went crying to her mother. "Momma, I can't get my husband to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."

"Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for twenty-six years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."

***

England's West Country is known for its charming cottage-like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting- looking books. So she went inside.

A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, "Can I help you?"

"No, just browsing," said my friend.

"Fine," came the reply. "But so you know, around here most people knock before entering someone's home."

***

Joe says to Bill, "Want to see a picture of my Aunt?"

"Sure."

So Joe takes out a picture.

"What are you talking about?" Bill says, "That's not your aunt! That's a picture of a fish!"

Joe responds, "Well, sure it is... It's my aunt Chovy!"

***

An eighty-five year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life.

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half ... the looking or the thinking?"

***

A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting.

"What's the quickest way to York?"

The local scratched his head.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving."

"That's the quickest way!" he responded.

***

 Live a good, honorable life...then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

***

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." -William James

***

My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a reference on her resume', which she planned to submit to a local fast-food restaurant. I agreed.

A few days later she called and asked me to meet her at the restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview, and she told me to bring my references."

***

Why can't a woman ask for help from her brother?  He can't be a brother and assist her, too.

***

The first carload of Boy Scouts had left my house minutes earlier, bound for our three-day wilderness trip. As I backed my own vanload of Scouts out of my garage, I noticed  a pair of hiking boots on the back steps, so I stopped to retrieve them.

An hour later, we caught up with the first car, which was parked at a highway rest stop. Seeing me pull up, my assistant Scout leader rolled down his window. "Your wife just called on my cell phone," he said. "She asked if you knew anything about the plumber's boots that were on your back steps."

***

The video game Grand Theft Auto IV went on sale today. It's a shame kids these days are spending so much time playing video games where they steal cars, and not getting out there in the sunshine and really stealing cars." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

***

"Iron Man opened this weekend, starring Robert Downey Jr. I don't know who Iron Man fights...wrinkled linen, I suppose."    -Craig Ferguson

***

Life is hard....by the yard, but by the inch....life's a cinch!

***

They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll be darned if I'm going to roll 12 shopping carts out of the  

grocery store! 

***

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight. "What do you think?" she asked.

He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"

***

A new report suggests that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.

***

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

***

I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While the technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have dextrocardia.  

"What's that?" she asked.  

"It means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather than on the left," I answered. "You should set up your machine to accommodate that."  

As she attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me, have you had that for long?" 

***

All sunshine and no rain make a desert. 

***

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him, “Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?”

The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, you will find a ton of hungry fish."

They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty."

Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check again.

"Nope, still salty."

One hour later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."

"This isn't good," one fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

***

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little traveled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the heck have ya been? You escaped over 12 hours ago."

***

My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen about his or her life, so she asked me, “What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?”

“I'd have to say the moonwalk,” I replied.

She looked disappointed. “That dance was so important to you?”

***

Do You Know Your Hymns?

Dentist's Hymn...........................Crown Him with Many Crowns

Weatherman's Hymn.......................There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

Contractor's Hymn.......................The Church's One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn.......................Holy, Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn.......................There's a Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn...................Standing on the Promises

Optometrist's Hymn......................Open My Eyes That I Might See

The IRS Agent's Hymn....................I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn.......................Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn..................Send The Light

The Shopper's Hymn......................Sweet Bye and Bye

The Realtor's Hymn......................I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop

The Massage Therapists Hymn.............He Touched Me

The Doctor's Hymn.......................The Great Physician

AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:

45 mph....................God Will Take Care of You

65 mph....................Nearer My God To Thee

85 mph....................This World Is Not My Home

95 mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home

100 mph...................Precious Memories

***

A Sunday school teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do you all say your prayers at night?"

A little boy answered, "My mommy says my prayers."

"I see," said the teacher. "And what does your mother say?"

The little boy replied, "THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!"

***

God grades on the cross, not on the curve.

***

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

***

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken .'

***

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

***

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. 'The poll tax,' he said.

'But the poll tax was repealed,' replied the commissioner.

'Ay-ah,' declared the man, 'that's what I like about it.'

***

'A new article in 'Newsweek' is out talking about what it's like to be an atheist. I actually have a friend who's an atheist, and married to a Jehovah Witness. Their kids are a little strange. They go out and knock on doors but don't know why.' -Jay Leno

***

A fisherman's wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said, 'Excuse me ma'am but I need to speak to your husband. Can you tell me where he is?'

She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. 'Go over there and look for the pole with a worm on both ends.'

***

 Be fishers of men: We'll catch 'em, He'll clean 'em.

***

  Things That Never Happened On Star Trek ...  

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a  

type it has encountered several times before.  

2. The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists,  

who are all perfectly all right.  

3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works  

properly.  

4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life-  

form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old  

life form wearing a funny hat.  

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious  

plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-  

stocked Enterprise sick-bay. 

***

A friend of mine took her four-year-old daughter to a baptismal

service at her church. Later that night, her daughter took all

of her dolls into the bathtub with her and held her own 'baptism.'

As she dunked each doll under the water, she repeated, 'Now I

baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and hold your nose.'

***

One Liners:

-We have enough youth.  How about a fountain of 'smart'?

-The 'original point and click' interface was a Smith & Wesson.

-Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.

-Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

-We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse.

-Red meat is not bad for you.  Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

-Gun control: using both hands

-When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

***

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit  

their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found  

in high school essays in order to have them published and  

sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the  

country. Recent winners:

(Part Three) 

15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and  

she was the East River.  

16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel  

trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted  

shut.  

17. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But  

unlike Phil, this plan just might work.  

18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get  

from not eating for a while.  

19. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,  

either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from  

stepping on a land mine or something.  

20. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he  

heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

***

The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple.

If you use the short form, the government gets your money.

If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.

***

The best safeguard for the younger generation is the prayers of the

older generations.

***

"In LA a 500-pound man was arrested for stealing food from a restaurant. Police say it took five minutes to catch the suspect and two hours to pat him down." -Conan O'Brien

***

The generation gap proved glaringly obvious at the mail-order music company where my wife works as a customer service representative.

Some college students, who were working part-time inputting customer information, wrote the following notes regarding some golden oldies: "Customer is looking for two song titles: 'Shovel Off Two Buffaloes' and 'Honey, Suck a Rose.'"

***

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays in order to have them published and sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the country. Recent winners:

 (Part 2):

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling west at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.

13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

***

Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of Ohio. One day I told a long-suffering friend, "You know, the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on the moon was from Ohio."

"Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio," he observed.

***

I'm dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm tense.

When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered to me, "Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."

***

All creation is an outstretched finger pointing toward God.

***

A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Boy, I hope I'm sick!"

After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer, and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick, Mr. Adams?"

The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."

***

"Tragic news today — Herb Peterson passed away. He was the creator of the Egg McMuffin. He was 89. He said the secret to a long life was to never eat Egg McMuffins."  -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Scientists have said they may have figured out a way to travel through time. For years now I've known of a potion that can let you travel through time..it's called tequila."    -Craig Ferguson

***

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.  The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience.  He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat.  He hobbles back into the examining room.

The doctor comes back with a pan of warm water. "Ok," says the doctor.  "After the tablet dissolves, you can sit here and soak that foot for at least 20 minutes."

***

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays in order to have them published and sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the country. Recent winners:

(Part One)

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled around inside his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

***

 A young lawyer, just out of law school, was pleading his first case in South Carolina.  A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.

"Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs.  Imagine, twenty-four pigs.  Twice the number that are in the jury box."

***

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.

"I am real," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"

***

They raised the price of tickets to Disney World to $59.75.  They've also put up a new sign that says 'Your wallet must  be this big to get in.'" --Jay Leno

***

 For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.

A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise.

His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.

***

Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

***

During a tour at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum, a New York City woman mentioned that she was raising a type of cactus in a pot on her apartment balcony. Another tourist asked her how she kept from watering it too much, because the cactus would die if over watered.

"I subscribe to the Tucson newspaper," replied the New Yorker.  Every time I read that it rained in the desert, I give my plant some water."

***

"God never threatens; the devil never warns." -- Oswald Chambers (Threats are selfishly used to get people to do what is in OUR own best interest.  Warnings are lovingly issued to get people to do what is in THEIR best interest.)

***

Preparing for a family vacation, my sister-in-law and her husband explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old daughter perked up, "Is it dark yet?"

***

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger on Thursday rushed to the aid of a 12-year-old student who had fainted during an event at his school. When the student came to and saw Schwarzenegger rushing toward him, he died." -Seth Meyers

***

A big, beefy, leather-wearing, biker type fellow walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and demands in a loud voice,  "Give me a bottle of beer, or else...!"

Scared, the bartender serves the man his beer. This happens every day for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it.

The next day, the biker returns.

"Give me a bottle of beer, or else...!"

"O-o-o-or else w-w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"Or else I'll take a draft if you're out of bottles."

***

As my five-year-old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please,  God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

***

A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled "COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."

When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered 'no.'

"Then why are you checking it out?"

"Because," said the little boy confidently, "I just started collecting moths last month!"

***

Everything comes to those who wait ... if they work while they wait.

***

"Another Democratic debate last night. This time in Ohio.  The big winner? 'American Idol.'" -Jay Leno

***

Don goes into business for himself. He buys a hotdog cart and sets it up in a prime spot on a busy downtown corner, right near a large bank.

One day, his friend Jim approaches him and asks Don if he can lend him some money.   Don refuses.

"But why?" asks Jim. "Everyone knows you're doing well, and I'm not asking for much."

"Well, Jim, in order to get this spot I had to sign a non-competition agreement with that bank over there. According to the terms of the agreement, they don't sell hot dogs, and I don't lend money."

***

The trouble with trouble is, it starts out as fun.

***

Jake is five years old and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look, Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does ...

"A f r i c a n  Elephant."

Hooked on phonics! Isn't it wonderful?

***

"In sports The Florida Marlins have announced they will form an all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad. They will be called the Marlin Brandos." -Conan O'Brien

***

During his spare time my brother, an attorney, volunteers on his town's fire and rescue squad.

When I mentioned this to a friend, he smiled and said, "Let me get this straight. Your brother is a lawyer and an EMT?  So he doesn't have to chase the ambulance -- he's already in it?"

***

We like someone "because."  We love someone "although."

***

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job.  The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"Twenty-two," Rick replied.  After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, Rick got a letter that said he was hired for the job!  He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he was still very curious.  The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong.

The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

***

"I got a good tip from my stockbroker the other day. He said, 'For only 39 cents, I can super size those fries for you.'" -- Jay Leno

***

When I was introduced to a couple visiting our congregation, I decided to remember their names by noting they were the same as those of two characters in a popular children's story.

After the services I stopped to talk to them, and as they were saying goodbye I teased, "Be careful going up that hill! But you must get that all the time."

They smiled politely but said nothing. After they left, my wife asked, "What was that all about?"

"Jack and Jill. Up the hill. Remember?" I said.

"Yes, but what does that have to do with," she pointed to the couple, "Dick and Jane?"

***

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window.  Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has  been for some time."

***

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.  When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump.  My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 1200 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

***

"The Wall Street Journal reports this week that the candy industry is so worried about falling candy sales they are now adding caffeine to their candy.  Well, that's every parent's worst nightmare — a fat kid who’s up all night."

 --Jay Leno

***

Every calling is great when greatly pursued.

***

"A new government study has found that the average American car weighs five-hundred pounds more than it did ten years ago. However, this is only true if an average American is sitting in the car." --Conan O'Brien

***

"A woman in California is being studied because she says she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I'm thinking, 'Wait a minute — isn't that every woman?'"   --Dave Letterman

***

Just after Christmas I received a rather general thank-you note from my sister for the present I had sent her. However, her next letter in mid-March explained that upon receiving my gift, a well taped box of chocolates, she had immediately put it in the freezer because she had already gained about six pounds that Christmas and wanted to avoid temptation.

One day in March, having lost the excess weight and craving a chocolate, she went to the freezer, mouth watering in anticipation, opened the box, and discovered the frozen black sequined evening purse I had given her.

***

For our honeymoon my fiancee and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"

"Yes," I replied." It's our honeymoon."

"And how many adults will there be?" she asked.

***

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.  As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'  His reply, 'I know.  I already got that side.'

***

Only he who can see the invisible can do the impossible.

***

What NOT To Give Her For Valentines Day

1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.

2. Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fiber" on the label.

3. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.

4. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.

5. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.

6. A gift certificate.

7. Cash.

8. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.

9. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

***

A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."

"Amazing," said the councelor. "How did you do it?"

"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

***

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

***

Q:  What do you call two banana peels?

A:  A pair of slippers.

Q:  What's a cat's favorite color?

A:  Purrrple.

Q:  What's big, green and sits in a corner and cries?

A:  The incredible sulk.

Q:  What begins with T, is full of T and ends with T?

A:  A teapot.

***

"We are shaped and fashioned by what we love." – Goethe

***

There are two kinds of people who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.

***

Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone, I bought her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach it directly to her belt. A few days later, I walked into my mother's home and found her standing in the middle of the living room, halfway dressed. That didn't strike me as odd so much as the fact that she was holding her pants to the side of her head and speaking into them.  

"Don't look at me that way," she yelled. "The phone started ringing and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid clip!"  

***

"Congratulations to the new Miss Universe. It's Miss Puerto Rico. Is it just me or does it seem like the winner is always from earth?" -Dave Letterman  

***

Sister Margaret had spent weeks preparing the first grade children for their first Communion, stressing the solemnity and importance of this sacrament.

Much to her chagrin, during Mass on the big day, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right now!"

Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front... and delivered Sister Margaret's message to the surprised priest in the middle of his sermon!

***

"In the movies, Sylvester Stallone is Rambo again. Like everyone else, he's older. Now when he gets dropped behind enemy lines he says, 'What did I come here for?'"  --David Letterman  

***

"According to a survey by nationwide mutual insurance, 2 percent of people actually shave while they're driving. They shave! How many guys would like to be in the car with those women?" --Jay Leno  

***

Kind actions begin with kind thoughts.

***

"It's cold here in the Northeast. You have to dress in layers when it's this cold. For instance, right now I'm wearing two hairpieces." --David Letterman

***

Classic insults from the past:

Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

--

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

Winston Churchill, in response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

--

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

--

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

--

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

--

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

--

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

--

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support, rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

--

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -  Groucho Marx

***

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high-profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its

14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.

The judge turned to the jury foreman and asked, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, Your Honor," the foreman responded.

"Please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge read the verdict himself, he delivered the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman. He then instructed the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," announced the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jumped for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict, and they hugged each other as they shouted expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turned to his client and asked, "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looked around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turned to his defense attorney and said, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

***

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."

 -Joe Weinstein

***

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family waiting for the news, "We had twins!"

The family was so excited, they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?"

The father paused, smiled and said, "Each other."

***

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her.

Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

***

Sam, an old man, was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I plainly saw him take the goods."

The lawyer asked again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asked, "Sam, listen: you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad.  Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam replied, "I can see the moon -- how far is that?"

***

Last summer, my husband took me camping for the first time.  At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc.

Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned, and led us right back to our camp. "That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?"

"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country, all the TV satellite dishes point south."

***

"You can observe a lot by watching."  -- Yogi Berra

***

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the Insurance policy with the man at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take out the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

***

The only time the average child is as good as gold is on April 15th.

***

Not quite grasping the sanctity of "Monday Night Football," I plunked myself next to my new husband one Monday night to chat. He was distracted by the action on TV, and after being shushed a few times, I gave him a "look."

Immediately contrite, he picked up the remote. "I'm sorry, honey," he apologized, "I'm being rude. You go ahead and talk--I'll just turn up the volume."

***

You know, I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.

***

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and  cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.  Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

***

"Toyota is developing a car with a new device that will automatically stop the car if the driver has had too much to drink. The device is called oncoming traffic."     --Conan O'Brien

***

"I hate driving, and I hate when people honk at me. Unless I'm making a left turn. Then I like it because that's how I know it's time to turn." --Rita Rudner  

***

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

***

One morning while a locksmith had come to change the locks in my house, I realized I had to run a few errands. I turned to him, a sweet older man, and said I was heading out. As I got to the front door, I noticed my sad-faced dog staring at me from the living room. "I love you, sweet boy," I said. "Now you be good. Okay?"

From the other room I heard a voice answer, "Okay."

***

I have a lot of 'sweet chariot' stocks. The minute I buy them they 'swing low!'

***

No good deed goes unpunished. I had volunteered to tar the roof on my father's shed. I was about halfway done when I slipped and fell flat on my face getting black goop all over my shirt, my pants, even my hair. Hearing the thud, Dad looked up. "What happened?"

I got up and began to say, "All I did was..." when my feet shot out from under me and I flipped into the tarry mess a second time.

"You know," Dad said dryly, "you could have just told me."

***

Four Stages of Life

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

***

Charity begins at home, but shouldn't end there.  -- Scottish

***

The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in center.  Turning to the attendant, he said, "Okay, I give up. Why is the mistletoe hanging there above the luggage scale?"

The attendant said, "So that you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

***

One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor.

The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.

"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother. "Okay, A minus."

***

I have six locks on my door and bolt every other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands out there picking the locks, they're always locking three.    (Borrowed from Reader's Digest)

***

During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.  When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.

"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.

"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one; I always do the driving."

***

What do sea monsters love to eat?

Fish and ships.

***

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which  a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver,  "Are you seriously hurt?"  

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer."  

***

We cannot separate our prayers from how we treat others.                                   

***

One day a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

***

My friend Monica is an accomplished harpist, who frequently plays for weddings, receptions, parties, and other such events. She is also blond and has an appropriately cherubic face.

She was on her way to an engagement at a hotel, and stepped into an elevator with her large golden harp. Just before the doors closed, a distinguished gray-haired man stepped on.

As the elevator rose, he looked thoughtfully first at her and then her harp and asked, "And just how far up are you going?"

***

Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand these days. I wasn't surprised when one of my daughter's friends showed me a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she begged.

"I won't" I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"

"Honesty," she said.

***

We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.

My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

***

Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say to you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

***

A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered: "It's Adam's suit!"

***

Prayer is God's way of doing God's will.

***

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. -Demetri Martin

***

While filling out an employment application, a man paused over this question: "Person to notify in case of an accident."  Finally he wrote, "Anybody in sight."

***

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.  Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "No! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.  Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?"

***

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.  One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.  

I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."  

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

***

Living a life without prayer is like building a house without nails.

***

A Scotsman paying his first visit to the zoo stopped by one of the cages.  

"An whut animal would that be?" he asked the keeper.  

"That's a moose from Canada," came the reply.  

"A moose!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "Hoots man - they must ha' rrrats like elephants ower there!"  

***

Sally was to bake a double-layered cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.  When she took the two cake pans out of the oven, she found the center of both layers had dropped flat.

Oh dear, there was no time to bake another cake, so she looked around the house for something to use to build up the center of the cake.  In the bathroom she found a roll of toilet paper just the right size.  She plunked it in and covered it with icing. 

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.  She then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home.  When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.  Sally was beside herself.

A couple of days later Sally was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.  After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

After Sally saw the cake, she started to up from her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it.  But before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"  Sally sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess reply, "Thank you!  I baked it myself."

***

You Might Be Floridian if...

"Down South" means Key West.

"Panhandling" means going to Pensacola.

You think no one over 70 should be allowed to drive.

Flip-flops are everyday wear.

Shoes are for business meetings and church.

No, wait -- flip-flops are good for church, too, unless it's Easter or Christmas.

Sweet tea can be served at any meal.

An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.

You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or cruise to Florida.

You measure distance in minutes.

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

All the local festivals are named after a fruit.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.

You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and Christmas.

It's not soda, cola, or pop -- it's coke, regardless of brand or flavor: "What kinda coke you want?"

Anything under 95 is just warm.

You've hosted a hurricane party.

You go to a theme park for an afternoon and know when to get on the best rides.

You pass on the right and honk at the elderly.

You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, and Withlacoochee.

You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat than have a boat yourself.

Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, and a confederate flag.

You were eight years old before you realized they made houses without pools.

You were 12 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

You get angry when people say, "Florida isn't really part of the SOUTH."

You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.

You know what the "stingray shuffle" is and why it's important!

You recognize Miami-Dade as "Northern Cuba." The south ends in the Ocala/Gainesville area, and then North Cuba begins.

***

They do not truly love who do not show their love.  --- Shakespeare

***

I was in Las Vegas this past weekend. I saw a Drew Carey game there. You know you've made it when there's a game named after you. It was called 'The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.'"   -Craig Ferguson

***

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next

city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place

he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes.

No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the

window and another jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time

before another one disturbed him.  To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir? It's 8:45."

***

"Yesterday, on '60 Minutes' French President Nicolas Sarkozy got up and left in the middle of the interview. Citizens of

France say the president acted rudely — and they've never been prouder." -Conan O'Brien

***

My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning when a gunman burst in and demanded all the cash. As she

nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of coins in the back of the register. "Do you want the rolls

too?" she asked.

"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."

***

When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I could not please any of them.

***

I was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at a little backwoods country store. In the men's room there

was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which said, "Please Wiggel Handel".

Below that some wit had written, "If I do, will it wiggel Bach?"

***

"Prayer opens the door for God to work - then He gets the glory when change does occur."  -Joyce Meyer                 

***

During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at the university.

"Oh, great," I said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."

"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

***

When the graveside service had no more than just finished, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a  distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder, and more lightning.  

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,  "Well, she's there."  

***

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a Christian."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

"Well, my mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile.

"Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."

***

"I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don't require so much cooking." -Carrie Snow

***

Just before their first long deployment two Navy buddies were talking about the stress of leaving their families. A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard the conversation and offered the following advice:

"You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"  

***

When we are going through a major trial in life and are praying for God's intervention, remember that God is more interested in changing us than our situation.  -Joyce Meyer

***

"Yesterday FBI agents raided a Las Vegas warehouse owned by magician David Copperfield. They seized nearly $2 million in cash. Apparently the entire $2 million was in quarters Copperfield pulled out of people's ears." -Conan O'Brien

***

A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by his leash.

The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was just creating for himself a bottomless pit! 

***

Military guys can't help debating which branch is the best.  A friend was asked why he chose the Air Force over the Navy.

"Simple, really," he said.  "Whatever goes up must come down.  But whatever goes down doesn't necessarily have to come up."    (Borrowed from Reader's Digest)

***

At their 50th anniversary celebration, the husband was asked the secret of their longevity.

"Well, we agreed in the beginning that if we ever got into a fight, I would just take my hat and go for a walk. After a while, I would return and throw my hat through the doorway.  If she threw it back, it was time to take another walk. So I account my longevity to all the exercise I've gotten over the years!"

***

Two men were sitting side by side on an airliner flying from Denver to Los Angeles.

The first man appeared nervous and finally explained that he was being transferred to LA. "I hate Los Angeles," he said. "Everything you hear about LA is bad -- smog, traffic, and worst of all, the crime. Gangs everywhere, people getting shot and robbed, things stolen, car jackings, and everyone hates everyone else."

"Oh, it's not that bad," said the second man. "I live in LA myself. Most of that stuff you read is media hype. It's just not true. You'll find LA is just like any other city, anywhere in America."

"Really?" responded the first. "Boy, that makes me feel a lot better. You say you live in LA -- what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Bud Lite delivery truck."

***

The man goes to see his doctor because he has a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ear.

"Hmmm, " the doctor says.  "That's strange."

The guy replies, "I know.  And that's just the tip of the iceberg."

(Borrowed from Reader's Digest)

***

Prayer is a cry of hope.

***

My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience," he jotted down "Lifeguard." Nothing else.

"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?"

"I couldn't swim," my cousin replied.

He got the job.                    

***

"Son, I just know you'll do the right thing by this little girl," said the preacher. "You just marry her, and you'll be at the end of your troubles."

So he did the right thing, and he married the girl, and about six months later when he saw the preacher again he tried to murder him.

"You miserable liar!" shouted the young man. "You told me if I married her, I would be at the end of my troubles. Well, I married her, and she has made my life miserable."

"That may be true, son, but you can't blame me," replied the minister. "I said you'd be at the end of your troubles, but I never said which end."

***

The pastor's sermon focused on how God knows which of us grows best in the sunlight and which of us needs shade.

"For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun, but fuchsias thrive in the shade."

After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached him.

"Your sermon did me so much good," she said.

Before he had time to gloat too much, however, she added, "I always wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias."

***

I had a friend who, many years ago, worked for a large business. That had been his lifetime employment, but he wasn't happy there. He wanted to go into business for himself. So he saved his money and finally had enough that he could quit and start his own business.

About two years later, I was on vacation and was going through the town where his business was located. I stopped by for a visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year is the hardest for a new business."

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting to where I only have to work half a day."

"Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going into business for myself."

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't matter which twelve hours you work."

***

As I was dropping off my son at his daycare the other day, I overheard some of the other children talking about their siblings.

"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one little boy.

"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.

Not to be outdone, the littlest child in the group piped up. "My sister takes antibiotics!" 

***

Prayer is not eloquence, but earnestness.

***

Sal, a pilot for a major airline, carries his running clothes in a backpack, freeing his hands for his luggage. On one trip, he told me, he noticed passers-by grinning at him in the terminal. Sal smiled back. Maybe some of them were on my last flight, he thought.

His ego was brimming until he got to the cockpit and stowed his bags. That's when he saw the "Parachute" sign his co-workers had stuck to his backpack.                                                          

***

We had just finished eating a beautiful dinner that my mother had prepared for our family. As I glanced up at the chandelier over the table, I was mesmerized by the creative handiwork a spider had woven around the prisms and light bulbs. "Don't look up there!" my mother screamed. "It's the one thing I was too tired to clean!"

"Don't look where?" my brother asked.

"There!" my mother pointed. "It's my own personal web sight!" 

***

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the following: a half gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a 2-lb can of coffee, a head of romaine lettuce, and a 1 lb package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up my purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt, and I saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, “Well, you know what? You’re absolutely right! But how on earth did you know that I was single?”

And the drunk replied, “Because you’re ugly.”    

(Borrowed from “Car Talk” on NPR)

***

"The Dalai Lama is here in the United States. This morning he was awarded the congressional gold medal for his contribution to peace, human rights, religious understanding... unfortunately, a few hours after the ceremony, he was stripped of his medal after testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

If Christians spent as much time praying as they do grumbling, they would soon have nothing to grumble about.

***

While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.

"This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and always looking for the key."

***

At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the  same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address in  the company directory and sent him a message.

When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail: "I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that noticeable!"

His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read:  "Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria."

***

 Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she and her husband were struggling with a big decision on whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered to include them on the prayer list.

So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole congregation, "Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a decision about the missionary position."

***

Sally had three very active boys. One summer evening, she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner.  One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead." She slumped to the ground, and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day."

***

By far the most important thing about prayer is to keep at it.                     

***

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a grown man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the darn poison."

***

Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to the room where security temporarily holds suspects. One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room.  After a few minutes, the door opened and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't you come out until you're told!"

The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the women reported what had happened. Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.  [Borrowed from Readers Digest.]

***

 The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.

The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note  to tell you I'm fine." 

***

A sad Bassett Hound was relating his troubles to his friend.

"I'm really depressed all the time and I think negative thoughts. I'm always bored, I feel listless and I am always  tired."

"Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend.

"Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except that I'm not allowed on the couch. 

***

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said. "When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

***

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two." 

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

***

While touring historic buildings in Alexandria, Virginia, we visited an old church. The guide told us that George Washington had attended services there and pointed to his pew. A reverent silence fell.

The guide, encouraged by this, went on to tell us that church services back then had been very lengthy -- frequently lasting three hours or more.

The mood of the moment was shattered when an anonymous voice whispered loudly, "So George Washington slept here too!"

***

A middle-aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding.

As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?"

 "No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."

***

Good times become good memories . . .  bad times become good lessons.

***

The receptionist found some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker.  She sent the following email: "If anybody can say where and when they lost $70, please let me know and it will be returned to you."  Within minutes one employee replied, "Kentucky Derby, 2001." 

***

Sign Language:

"Customers who think the waiter is rude should see the manager."

On a college president's door: "Closed. If it's something important, see the custodian."

Municipal golf course sign: "Please don't find lost balls until they stop rolling."

New Jersey tourist sign: "Come to beautiful Atlantic City and see the bored walk."

Sign in a nut shop: "No credit cards here. Strictly cashew and carry."

By some bananas in a fruit store: "Please don't tear us apart. We grew up together."

***

One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard me say a bad word about about him?"

***

The auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit charity. Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No Start." On the block was a No Starter. It had a shattered windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and dings and dents all over the body. 

Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the car's year, make, and model, and then read the owner's comments: "Please note - the radio does not work."

***

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

***

"In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said he and Angelina Jolie would like to have another baby. Angelina denied the story and said, 'Brad must have misunderstood when I said I was in the mood for Chinese.'" -Conan O'Brien  

***

Dobbins lost his eye in an accident and couldn't afford the price of a glass eye. So he carved one out of wood. But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house.

Finally, his friend Eddy came over and forced him to go out.  "There's a dance over at the club," he said.  "So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?"

"All right," said Dobbins, "but if anybody makes fun of my eye I'm leaving."

He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his courage. And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.

"She's worse off than me," Dobbins thought. "The least I can do is ask her to dance.

He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the girl. "Would you care to dance?" he asked.

"Would I?!" she exclaimed.

"That does it," he shouted, "Hunchback! Hunchback!"   

***

"In Mississippi, a Taco Bell restaurant had to close after employees found a snake in the restaurant. Witnesses at the Taco Bell said it was the first time they've ever seen a snake with diarrhea." -Conan O'Brien

***

It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is apprehended by a policeman.

He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested.

The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."

***

While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services for my personalized license plate, I heard the clerk shout out, "E I E I O."

"I'm here," the woman standing next to me answered.

Curious, I asked if she was a farmer or maybe taught kindergarten.

"Neither," she replied. "My name is McDonald."

***

An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I'll fix it for you."

About ten minutes later she showed up at his door... with the electrical cord in her right hand.

***

During the Air Force Academy's basic cadet training, the new cadets, known as doolies, go through a ten-day encampment outdoors. Prior to being served in the chow tent, they are required to do pullups and then get in line to answer questions about the academy. If they answer correctly, they are allowed to proceed inside. If not, they are sent to the back of the line.

One doolie had been sent back a number of times because he didn't reel off the answers. When the poor cadet came up again, a sympathetic upperclassman asked him, "What does the abbreviation S. I. D. N. K. stand for?"

The doolie bowed his head and replied, "Sir, I do not know."

"Right!" the upperclassman said. "Go on in there and get some chow!"

***

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her door bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late - and you're still not ready?"

***

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.

***

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting

on what to have for dinner.   - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

***

A wholesale dealer who had a lot of trouble in getting a certain retailer to pay his bills finally lost patience and wrote the merchant a threatening letter.

He received the following reply: "Dear Sir: What do you mean by writing me a letter like that? Every month I place all my bills in a hat and then figure out how much money I have to pay on my accounts. Then I have my bookkeeper draw as many bills out of the hat as I have money to pay. If you don't like my way of doing business, I won't even put your bills in the hat."

***

I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

***

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

***

Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it was filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day and night, stopping only occasionally for something to eat.

He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he thought about least of all was his rent.

As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the three months' rent Walpole owed on the loft.

"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm on the verge of making some sales."

"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story last month. You won't get another day's credit from me."

"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Someday this loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge a fortune for it. In a few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and whisper, 'Walpole used to paint here.'"

"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able to say it starting tomorrow morning."

***

What's the difference between a man and a dog running?

One wears trousers and the other pants.

***

"I believe we are all made in the image of God and when we take time to get to know someone else, we are seeing what God looks like from another angle."  - - Bobby Winters, The Power of Praise

***

"According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friend's secrets to their husbands.  So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, there’s an 83 percent chance she will tell her husband.  But the good news?  One hundred percent of the men aren't listening anyway."    -Jay Leno

***

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So don't trouble any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you; however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

***

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.

Susie: It grew on company time.

Boss: Not all that hair.

Susie: I didn't get it all cut.

***

Friends vs Southern Friends

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. And lots of it.

FRIENDS: Will say "hello."

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. More than one.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad, and really mean it, too.

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you. And for you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being

together. Then do the dishes before leaving.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. And most

of the time know you better than you do yourself.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" If you are not home they

will wait.

FRIENDS: Are for a while.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life. And then some.

If one is deprived of Southern Friends, this will serve as an excellent

educational tool for why they need to look into the possibility.

***

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

       Mark Twain (1866)

***

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take

everything you have.

       Thomas Jefferson

***

A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around the circle and asked each one a question.

"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"

Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"

"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"

Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"

Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"

Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"

***

Harry was never shy about reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

"My teammates used to call me James Bond," he was telling his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."

"That and he batted .007," his wife added.

***

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

***

Riding a power mower while doing grounds maintenance work in Southern California, I usually wear several items to protect myself, including safety glasses, dust mask, and cowboy hat to keep the sun off.

One day as I walked into our shop at lunchtime, a co-worker called out, "Look! It's the Lawn Ranger!"

***

" Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

   - -  Mark Twain

***

"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?"

"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."

"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."

***

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.  Please leave a message after the beep.  If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

***

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

***

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

***

A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A book with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want." So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

"Chapter 1 - The First Date."

He glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out for quite a while.

When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She answers, "Hello?"

He says, "Hi, Jessica? Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.

He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"

She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should be finished eating by then."

***

What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

***

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.

Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service started?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

***

A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toenails, so I bite them instead."

***

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.

"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.

My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."

***

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning, her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

***

"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me." --Unknown

***

The wise old Mother Superior was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"

Slowly rising up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window, she said,

"Don't sell that cow!"

***

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff all over those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

***

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

"Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

***

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So, perhaps you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..."

***

On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'"

***

Two mothers met for coffee. "Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"

"To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!" says Ruth. "She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."

"Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?"

"Ah! Now there's a lucky girl. She has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever she needs, and in the evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant."

***

His aching back made it impossible for my friend's husband to get a decent night's rest on their lumpy mattress. "Until I feel better, I'm going to sleep on the couch," he announced.

Ordinarily, a spouse moving out of the bedroom isn't a good sign for the marriage. So his wife couldn't resist: "Okay, but as soon as we have an argument you're back in our bed."

***

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want novocaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

***

Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."

"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

***

"What is that sound?" a woman asked at our nature center.

"It's the frogs trilling for a mate," Patti, the naturalist, explained. "We have a pair in the science room. But since they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other."

The woman nodded sympathetically, "The trill is gone."

***

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."

"Yeah," countered the first deacon, "but God won't tell my wife."

***

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.

"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

She replied, "You."

***

"A new survey says that New Jersey is the most livable state in the U.S. The survey has a margin of error of 100 percent."

  --Conan O'Brien

***

Punnies:

"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.

"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Mike said, without debate.

"I won't let a stupid flat tire let me down," Steve said, with despair.

"I keep banging my head on things," Marty said, bashfully.

"That is the second time my teacher changed my grade," Donna remarked.

"The fur is falling out of that mink coat," Steven inferred.

"That's the second electric shock that I've gotten today!"

Stew said, revolted.

"I'll just have to send that telegram again," Samuel said, remorsefully.

"I've been sick and lost a lot of weight," Rachel expounded.

***

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.

Pete said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."

The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment, and then you don't make another payment for six months."

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, "Who told you about us?"

***

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.

When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally

answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"They called back!"

***

Signs You're Getting Too Old To Drive...

-You think an SUV might be too small to be safe.

-It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.

-When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear a crunch.

-It scares you to drive the speed limit.

-The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.

-You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

-You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.

-Your turn signal has been on since 2003.

-Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.

-When the police pull you over, they're surprised to find out you're sober.

***

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still alive?  How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning. That's why he's still alive, he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to?"

***

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

***

In 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?

"Because," Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of my first wife."

***

My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain just what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible.

When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense Contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

***

"My son has a new nickname for me, 'Baldy.' I've got a new word for him... 'heredity.'" --Dan Savage

***

I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age.  When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead.

"Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.

"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"

***

Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?"

"Two for a quarter," answered the vendor.

"How much is just one?" she asked.

"Fifteen cents," answered the vendor.

"Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.

***

Food for thought: the words "silent" and "listen" both use the same letters.

***

"Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an anxious-looking man.

"Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge.

"You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him."

"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on the jury who can lie like that."

***

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, saw a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't approve."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."

***

Some of our old favorites have now been re-released.  The following songs are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Gray:  Re-heated Oldies."

Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Carly Simon -- 'You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations -- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions"

ABBA -- "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out"

Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

Steely Dan -- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"

Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs -- "Bald Thing"

***

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from a Cow

1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

2. Don't cry over spilled milk.

3. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.

4. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

5. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

6. It's better to be seen and not herd.

7. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

8. Never take any bull from anybody.

9. Always let them know who's the bossy.

10. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

***

Words can't break bones, but they can break hearts.

***

I had to voice my concern when a co-worker said she found dates using the Internet.

"Don't worry about me," she said.  "I always insist we meet at a miniature golf course."

"Why there?" I asked.

"First, it's a public spot," she said.  "Second, it's in broad daylight. And third, I have a club in my hand."

(Borrowed from Reader's Digest)

***

An attorney was driving through the countryside when his car failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his surprise it started, and he headed for the

nearest town for a permanent repair.

To celebrate his success, he lit up a cigarette, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He stuck his arm out the window, hoping the wind at 50 miles per hour would put it out.

He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a ticket for illegal use of a firearm.

***

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.

Instead of making any official request to the tower, he

said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied:

"Guess where!"

***

While transcribing medical audiotapes, a colleague came upon the following garbled diagnosis:  "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor.  After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

(Borrowed from Reader's Digest)

***

Who says nothing is impossible?  Some people do it every day!

***

I have a friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left.

It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused and told me I was crazy.

But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 inch shorter than his right.

A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured. Both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

"So," I said, "you didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."

He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."

***

A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and he began his sermon, "All members of this parish are going to hell if they don't change their ways."

One man in the back began to laugh.

So the pastor said it again louder.

The man continued to laugh.

The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing.

He answered, "Because I don't belong to this church!"

***

There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.

"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."

"Well, honey, that's wonderful. You're growing up, but why are you crying?"

"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."

***

Speedy Morris was the basketball coach at LaSalle and they were having a pretty good season. One morning he was shaving and the phone rang. His wife answered it and called out to him that Sports Illustrated wanted to talk to him.

Coach Morris was excited that his team was apparently about to receive national recognition in this famous sports magazine. As a matter of fact, he was so excited that he cut himself with his razor.

Covered with blood and shaving lather and running downstairs to the phone, he tripped and fell down the stairs. Finally, bleeding and bruised, he made it to the phone and breathlessly said, "Hello?"

The voice on the other end asked, "Is this Speedy Morris?"

"Yes, yes!" he replied excitedly.

Then the voice continued, "Mr. Morris, for just seventy-five cents an issue, we can give you a one-year subscription to Sports Illustrated."

***

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the restrooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.

I asked him why, and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went into the men's restroom, he saw a sign that read:

"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

***

After our friend Tom had been a temporary bachelor for several weeks, we stopped by his home to visit him. My wife asked if he was eating properly.

"Well, I do eat a lot of dog food," Tom told her.

"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe you would be eating anything like that!"

"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.

Opening the refrigerator door, he waved his hand at a row of doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.

***

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..."

That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback.

***

"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me." --Elayne Boosler

***

When my younger brother decided to do a project on the harmful effects of alcohol for the science fair at his elementary school, my mother, who has never had a sip of booze in her life, nervously went to a local liquor store to purchase the needed supplies.

"Give me the cheapest, hardest vodka you have," she said to the counter clerk.

"Is this for you, ma'am?"  asked the employee.  "If so, I might recommend something that's only a little more expensive but much smoother."

"No, that's okay," my mother stammered without thinking.  "It's for my nine-year-old son."

(Borrowed from Reader's Digest)

***

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

***

Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury.

"I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered.

"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is...rear defrosters."

***

In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light into a conch shell I found on the beach.  My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale, it was the first thing she put out.

I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out and finally bought it.

"That'll look great in your home," I said.

"Oh," she replied.  "It's not for me."  My bridge club is having a charity sale, and we were asked to bring the most hideous thing we could find. What I have here is the winner!"

***

The latest term being bandied about our IT office is PICNIC: "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer."

(Borrowed from Reader's Digest)

***

Job site CareerBuilders.com recently asked pollsters Harris Interactive to survey hiring managers and find out the wackiest resume items they've seen lately. Out of 2,627 responses, here are the top ten:

A job candidate...

1. ... attached a letter from her mother.

2. ... used pale blue paper with teddy bears printed around the border.

3. ... explained a three-month gap in employment by saying that he was

       getting over the death of his cat.

4. ... specified that his availability to work Fridays, Saturdays, or

       Sundays is limited because the weekends are "drinking time."

5. ... included a picture of herself in a cheerleading uniform.

6. ... drew a picture of a car on the outside of the envelope and said

       the car would be a gift to the hiring manager.

7. ... listed hobbies that included sitting on a levee at night

       watching alligators.

8. ... mentioned the fact that her sister had once won a

       strawberry-eating contest.

9. ... stated that he works well in the nude.

10. ...explained an arrest record by stating, "We stole a pig, but it

       was a really small pig."

***

Retirement Questions and Answers:

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answer: Normal.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

***

It's a summer holiday weekend, and a man walks into a butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying, "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound."

The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like five pounds of your ground sirloin, please."

The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."

The man, disappointed, goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"

The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."

"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaims the customer. "Just up the street, the butcher sells it for 29 cents!"

The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"

"No. He's out of it right now."

"Well," says the butcher, "when I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!"

***

1st lady: Did you see that bus driver? He glared at me as if I hadn't paid my fare.

2nd lady: And what did you do?

1st lady: I glared right back as if I had!

***

While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two nursing students from Southern California. After chatting them up awhile, the conversation turned to what we did in the service. When we told them we were in the infantry, the girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they told us how sweet that was.

Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the same sentence, I was a little confused. Until, that is, one of the girls said, "We admire any man who works with infants."

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

***

Sign Language for Your Dentist:

You know how hard it is to talk to your dentist when your teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well, I decided I would make up a sort of sign language that you could use to express yourself without having to mumble.

Below are 10 common things you might wish to say, numbered 1-10. These would be printed on a poster and mounted on the ceiling above the dentist chair.

It would give you something to read since procedures can be boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold up the corresponding number of fingers to express yourself. The dentist would not need to stop to ask you to repeat yourself and could fix the problem right away.

1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches.

2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit running down my neck.

3. So, I guess you had garlic again for lunch today?

4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just poked with that incredibly sharp tool of yours.

5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again.

6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that you missed before I gag?

7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may have been mistaken.

8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex.

9. Just so you know, if I don't get to take a break soon, I may bite you.

10. Please stop asking me stupid questions about myself or I will take that paper mask off your face.

***

"Doctors and hospitals have gone back to literally the Middle Ages for a cure they say works better than anything they have in modern medicine for post-operative blood coagulation. They are going back to flesh-eating maggots and blood-sucking leeches. Or as most people know them, HMOs."  --Bill Maher

***

As a department head stationed on a Navy vessel, I was concerned about one of my senior enlisted men. He was a superb technician, but he had a problem taking orders. One day I took him aside and suggested he try something that had worked for me.

"Whenever an officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid," I told him, "just say, 'Yes, sir.' But in your mind, think, 'You're an idiot!' Will this work for you?"

He smiled at me and replied, "Yes, sir!"

                                  ***

"I can't believe she said I was a liar. Sure, I make random stuff up, but I'm not a liar." --Overheard at Starbucks

***

I went to the registry of motor vehicles to renew my license.

When I handed the clerk a check to pay for the license she asked for some identification.

I pointed to the renewed picture license that she was holding in her hand.

***

There were two good ol' boys from the South, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there.

The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off.

In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."

***

A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant, was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during his years of service.

"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel, Major General, an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys exactly where to get off."

"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"

"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."

***

A guy was hitchhiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was getting on and no cars went by. Suddenly he saw a car roll slowly toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy jumped into the back seat and closed the door when he suddenly realized there was nobody behind the wheel!  Just then the car started slowly rolling forward again.

He was beginning to get really freaked out when he noticed a curve in the road ahead. He was just thinking about climbing into the front seat when a hand mysteriously appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.

Gathering his courage, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town.  Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same restaurant. They were looking around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look, isn't that the jerk who got in the car when we were pushing it?"

***

Jesus' earthly life was framed by two impossibilities: a virgin's womb and an empty tomb.  Jesus entered our world through a door marked "No Entrance" and left through a door marked "No Exit."

***

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets, and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, 'HORSE for sale.'"

***

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches that have died of old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.

When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps that have also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says as puts them in the sack with the finches.

Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the lions' cage.

"Oh, no!" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"

***

"He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food cake." --Raymond Chandler

***

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" --Mark Twain

***

"He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, and a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead." --Voltaire

***

On vacation, a man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. But just a few minutes later a train again shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager who says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. He takes one look at the manager lying in bed with his wife and yells, "Hey! What are you doing in here!?"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

***

A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future.  The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had.

Pleased with his response, they pressed on. "What would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked the little boy.

After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it."

***

"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend."

"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."

"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."

"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."

"Wow! Is that true?"

"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."

***

In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions.  Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem.  The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.

***

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter M. I am strong and attractive.  I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

***

At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties.

"Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?"

Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the city and 38 on the highway."

***

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope, poor as a church mouse."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

***

A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150."

After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

***

"Hugh Hefner is getting married. Hugh Hefner is 80 years old, and his bride to be is 27-year-old Holly Madison. Look at it this way: He's got everything a girl could want; he's rich, and he's famous, and he's nearly dead." -Dave Letterman

***

"According to a new study, eating ice cream increases a woman's chance of getting pregnant. Actually, eating ice cream increases a woman's chances of looking pregnant."

  -Conan O'Brien

***

When a mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, and then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

***

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. "Officer," he asks, have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"

"No I haven't. What's the problem?"

"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"

"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asks.

"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."

***

Catchy bumper stickers:

- Driver carries no cash - he's married.

- The shortest sentence is "I am."

  The longest is "I do."

- Guns don't kill people - cellphones do.

***

A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.

"First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.

The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..."

"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It's YOUR child!"

***

A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don't buy peat moss." answered the clerk.

***

A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

"No," replied the man, "That's my ball!"

***

I'm sure if the customer had taken two seconds, he probably would have come up with the answer to his question on his own. But instead he called information.

"I'm looking for the number of a business," he said when I picked up his call.

"What's the name of the business?" I asked.

"1-800-FLOWERS."

***

It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card.

I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased with the card.

It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."

***

"I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five mile zone, but I told them I had dyslexia." --Spanky

***

Some people grow with responsibility .....others just swell.

***

A frantic guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Buddy, please, can you loan me a hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident and I need to get her to the hospital."

The stranger says, "If you so desperately need a hundred dollars, what are you doing in a casino?"

The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."

***

"Politics is a dirty business. And with Hillary Clinton announcing that she is running for president, Republicans are already digging up dirt on her. And they found out that she once slept with Bill Clinton." --Dave Letterman

***

Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."

"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?"

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear."

"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"

"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars."

"Incredible... so how come you look so glum?"

"Well, this week...nothing!"

***

For years my husband denied he was an aggressive driver. That changed one day when we were out for a ride with our three-year-old, Matthew. Seeing a teaching opportunity, I began quizzing Matthew about traffic lights.

"What does a red light mean?" I asked.

"Stop."

"How about green?"

"Go."

"And yellow?"

In his best impression of Daddy, Matthew bellowed, "Hang on!"

***

"The Constitution does not specify how long the State of the Union address must be. You know who gave the longest State of the Union address ever? Bill Clinton. You know who gave the shortest? George Washington. It was just a couple of minutes. Well sure, when a politician cannot tell a lie, it limits how much they can say." --Jay Leno

***

When my Navy Medical Reserve Unit was called up for Operation Desert Storm, I was awakened by a phone call at three o'clock on a Sunday morning with the order to report for duty in four hours for processing.

After I hung up the phone, my husband groggily asked, "Who was that?"

"Oh, honey," I moaned, thinking of our 15-month-old child, "I have to go to war!"

"Don't worry," he said as he rolled over, "It's Sunday, and the traffic won't be bad."

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

***

Men's Thesaurus:

IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS -- I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."

Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

***

A man walks into a bar and orders six whiskeys.  Putting them in a row, he downs the first glass, then the third and finally the fifth.

"Excuse me," the bartender says as the man turns to leave.  "But you left three glasses untouched."

"I know," the man says. "My doctor says it's okay to have the odd drink."

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

***

"What starting salary are you looking for?" the head of human resources asks the newly graduated engineer at the end of a job interview.

Going for it, the guy says, "Well, sir, I was thinking about $125,000, depending on the benefits package."

"Okay," the HR director says.  "How about five week's vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, 100% company match for your 401(k) and a Porsche for your company car?"

The engineer gasps and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah," he replies.  "But you started it."

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

***

Therapist: Are you aware of the fact that you've missed several appointments?

Patient: I was doing what you told me!

Therapist: How is that?

Patient: You told me to avoid people who get on my nerves.

***

John: "Waiter, I'd like a hamburger and some kind words.

Waiter: "Here's your hamburger, sir.

John: What about the kind words?

Waiter: I wouldn't eat that hamburger if I were you, sir.

***

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes. "Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.

"Good idea," said the other.

So the both started yelling, "Together! Together!"

***

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired trips to where? "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Brother Ralph: "I'm going back to get her."

***

Did you know:

The well-known saying, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away," is actually derived from the old English saying: "To eat an apple before going to bed will make the doctor beg for his bread."

***

A mother and baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells, "WOOF!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother to her baby. "Now do you understand why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

***

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."

"How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

***

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

***

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."

***

A young man wants to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, so he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited--she loves her phone. He shows it to her and explains all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband.

"Hi hun," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"

She replies, "I just love it; it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. But there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Walmart?"

***

"Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kind of like being the guy on a date."  --Caroline Rhea

***

"Well, I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way." --Harry Hill

***

As a child my mother would always tell me not to sit so close to the TV, that it was bad for my eyes.  Now, as an adult I spend 8+ hours a day within 2 feet of a computer screen.

***

FUNNY BIBLE STORIES:

LOT 'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason  interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

NOAH

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her class, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

DEATH

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Papa, what happened to him?" the son asked. 

"He died and went to Heaven," the Papa replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

***

When she got flowers from her husband on Valentine's Day, my daughter's friend quickly opened the card. All it said was "No." What did that mean?

She called her husband, who said, "I didn't attach any message. The florist asked if I had a message and I said, 'No.'"

***

My new girlfriend, Karen, got a job at a local hardware store. "The owner doesn't want us hanging out with our friends," she said. "If you stop by, tell them you're my brother."

On my first visit I walked to the customer service desk and asked the older woman there, "Is Karen around?" When she looked at me quizzically, I added, "I'm her brother."

She smiled. "What a nice surprise. I'm Karen's mother."

***

My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards.

This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped and ready to go."

My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"

***

Some time ago, there was this artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

As usual, his model reported and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh no!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!"

***

I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

***

A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

***

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied. "Two years older than I am."

"So you're ninety-six," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth my going home, isn't it?"

***

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

“That way I’ll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week.”

***

Having recently moved to a new city, I was eager to meet people. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."

After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And that's my husband - the fat one."

***

At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in the head and I should be committed to a mental institution. Why do women always want us to make a commitment? --Unknown

***

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. --Sam Levenson

***

A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then he shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."

One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"

"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."

***

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little, old man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry."

"And who is Sherry, your wife?" asked the baker.

"What did you think?" snapped the little man, "That my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

***

"At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn't know gave me anything. Even the people I know don't give me anything."

  --George Wallace

***

At a fancy reception a young man was asked by a widow to guess her age.

"You must have some idea," she urged when he hesitated.

"I have a couple ideas," he admitted with a smile. "The trouble is that I don't know whether to make it ten years younger, because of your looks, or ten years older, because of your intelligence."

***

Back in Kentucky, you didn't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--and into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' about the good ol' days when Maw spots the biggest bird she has ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw straightens up and says, "Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

***

A businessman was notorious for saving almost everything that came across his desk--especially correspondence.  Consequently, the files in his office were bulging.

One day his secretary asked if she might dispose of all the old, useless material.  The man was reluctant, but finally said, "Well, all right, but be sure you make a copy of everything before you throw it away."

***

Q. What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered a martini?

A. Olive or twist?

***

The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

***

"According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly does not lead to doing harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking pot regularly does not lead to doing much of anything."   --Conan O'Brien

***

Continue sowing a thought, and you eventually reap an act;

Continue sowing an act, and you eventually reap a habit;

Continue sowing a habit, and you eventually reap a character;

Continue sowing a character, and you eventually reap a destiny.

***

"Beverly Hills is the worst place for trick-or-treating.

It's a little different here. The kids email you pictures of them in costumes. Then they fax their candy list and you have it delivered by a messenger." --Jay Leno

***

The map her friend had drawn indicated that the client, a country vet she was to see, lived in the second farm past Yin road.  Try as she might, the vet could not find a Yin Road anywhere!  Exasperated, she finally stopped to ask directions.

She stopped and asked at the next farm.  "I ain't never heard of no Yin Road." said the farmer.  "But ya might try askin' old man McGillicuddy, he's lived 'round here for better 'n 70 years."

"Thanks," replied the vet. "Where can I find him?"

"He lives on the second farm past the Y in the road."

***

THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY NOW:

-Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

-Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

-My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

-For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

-If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

-Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

-A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

-Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

-Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

-No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

-Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

-Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

-Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

-Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

-There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

-People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

-There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

***

The manager of a large office noticed one of his department heads had hired a new man, so the boss called him into his office for a little orientation speech. "What is your name?"

he asked.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.  It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

***

I had worked late, and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down. Our heads collided, and I sported an impressive shiner for several weeks.

I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I came by it, and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and exclaimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?"

"The dog did it," I wearily replied.

A man standing next to us looked over at me and said knowingly, "Ahh, you must own a boxer."

***

To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and discover that the prisoner was you.

***

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutter's place.

The owners of the new salon put up a big bold sign that read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

***

College Advice:

Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.

Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.

Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.

Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.

and, most importantly,

Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

***

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do safely to get out of this situation?

Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round."

***

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

***

"On Tuesday, the U.S. population hit 300 million. 'Oh, that's so cute,' said China." --Amy Poehler

***

Before boarding a bus, a man, a little short on funds, asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?"

"Sixty cents," said the driver.

As the bus pulled away the man raced alongside it until the next stop. When the doors opened again he gasped, "How much is the fare now?"

"Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way."

***

A hypocrite will often pray on his knees on Sunday and prey on his neighbors on Monday.

***

You Might Have Been a Redneck This Thanksgiving If...

... you've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping-pong table.

... Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

... you've ever reused a paper plate.

... if you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

... if you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

... your turkey platter is an old hubcap.

... your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

... your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

... your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

... side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

... you have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

... the directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

... you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

... you have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

... your secret family recipe is illegal.

... you serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.

***

"Thanksgiving is this week. Have you heard of the turducken?  It's very popular for Thanksgiving. It's a chicken stuffed inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey. In Asia they call it the bird flu trifecta." --Jay Leno

***

The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

He scanned the shelves and answered, "William."

***

Black November

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,

My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,

And he told me there was something that I had to know.

His look and his tone I will always remember,

When he told me of the horrors of Black November:

"Come about August, now listen to me,

Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,

"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,

And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,

In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head.

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,

And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;

"And then comes the worst part," he said, not bluffing,

"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing."

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,

I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,

I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,

High-roughage salads, juice, and diet cola;

And as they ate pastries, chocolates, and crepes,

I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,

And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,

As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.

And sure enough, when Black November rolled around,

I was the last turkey left in the entire compound.

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;

I haven't a worry, so I eat well and I nap.

She held me today, while sewing and humming,

And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming..."

***

"Sometimes people ask me: 'Dave, what is the essence of parenthood?' I always answer: 'Lowering your standards.'"

  --Dave Barry

***

I once told my family that I was thinking of opening a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they thought I was serious).  It was going to specialize in venison dishes.  I was going to call it "The Buck Stops Here."

***

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind, and you will keep trying it several times to see if you can outsmart your foot -- but you can't!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!

Told you so -- and there's nothing you can do about it! :)

***

The other day, I had to make a call to the telephone company.  Something was wrong with my bill. I dialed the number listed, and was astonished. I got the strangest recording. It said, "You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial."

***

"John Kerry has been lying low too. Reporters have called him and all they get is his answering machine. They know it's Kerry's answering machine because it doesn't have a message." --Jay Leno

***

On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear-view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.

"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.

The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."

It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in South Carolina.

***

We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home.

Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, "You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."

He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take the towels."

***

I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.

Having plenty of experience with getting out food stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"

***

Will Rogers Wisdom:

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes:

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Lettin' the cat outta' the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

***

There was once a small rural community--so small, in fact, that the only church in town was a small Baptist church whose pastor had to double up as the local barber to make ends meet.

A man living in this small community had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and said to himself, "I make enough money now that I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.

He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on shut-ins. The barber's wife, Grace, said, "I usually do the shaves anyway. Sit down and I'll shave you." So he did.

She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"Twenty-five dollars," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he might have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.

The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought. Well, it was a $25 shave.

The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought. It amazed him, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.

Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.

This particular day, the pastor was in, and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.

The kind old pastor gently explained, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace, and once shaved, always shaved."

***

A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.

The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, "Fore!"

His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back, "Four-fifty!"

***

As I was packing for my business trip, my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

***

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the heck was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

***

A hesitant driver, waiting for traffic to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp.

Shortly, the traffic thinned out but the driver still waited.

Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "Hey! The sign says 'Yield', not surrender!"

***

One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

***

A group of high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat. To save money, they had to room together.

No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so loudly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one coach room with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first coach slept in Daryl's room and came to breakfast the next morning with tousled hair and bloodshot eyes. One asked, "What happened to you?"

The first coach replied, "Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I couldn't sleep, so I watched him snore all night."

The next night it was a different coach's turn. The following morning, the same thing happened as the second coach appeared with hair standing up and eyes bloodshot. One asked, "What happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him sleep all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a burly ex-football player. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other coaches couldn't believe it. One asked, "OK, so what happened?"

Frank replied, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. I heard he watched me sleep all night long."

***

The young woman really thought she'd been very patient through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So, how do you like your rice? Steamed or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."

***

Anyone For Golf?

-They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.

-It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.

-Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.

-Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

-The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

-It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

-Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.

-The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.

-Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

***

A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train.

He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

When he had gone, an American woman in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

"No," I confessed.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

                               ***

A women's prayer....

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him: and Patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death! Amen!

***

A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000. The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50.

When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, "This situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table.  The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?"

***

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the king until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh, sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows that she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

***

A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.

The caller replied that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."

***

Winters were fierce where the estate owner lived, so he felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.

Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?"

The foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."

"Why don't you wear them?"

The foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! Never again, never again!"

***

A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

***

After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, Mark finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."

                                   ***

"Here's to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands." --Ambrose Bierce

***

Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," he says.

"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"

"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."

"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"

"No, they won't," Jim replies.

"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."

"You're on!" says Jim.

Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten dollars on the counter in front of the clerk.

"So the paint killed your bird?"

"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."

***

Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they usually aren't opposed to renting them out for an hour or two.

***

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."

***

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.

In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.

"I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad!"

***

"She thinks that tactics are a new kind of breath mint."

  --Billy Connolly

***

Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery.

"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said, then gave him the address of our condominium.

"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"

***

On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.

"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.

"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"

"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."

***

We were discussing the "don'ts" of public speaking in the PR class I teach. "Don'ts" include a man reaching into his pants pocket and jangling change as he speaks, which is very distracting.

To illustrate my point, I asked for a student volunteer, saying, "I need a man with coins in his pocket."

What I got instead was a girl yelling out, "Honey, so do I!"

***

You Might be a Preacher if...

1. You've been asked, "What's so hard about preaching?"

2. Others wished they worked only one day a week for a week's pay!

3. You have ever said, "I'm NEVER going to be a preacher!"

4. You wear your new shoes to church and someone comments, "We are paying you too much money!"

5. Women call up and say they want you to marry them.

6. You keep relating movies you've seen to sermon topics.

7. Your children are the worst kids in the church!

8. You name your bed "The Word." (You tell everyone that you "Stay in the Word.")

9. You jiggle all the commode handles at the church before you leave.

10. Instead of being "ticked off," you get "grieved in your spirit."

11. You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you were.

***

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry." --Bill Cosby

***

"Big celebrity news. Yesterday it was announced that Whitney Huston and Bobby Brown were getting divorced after 14 years of marriage. They had to get a divorce because apparently being with each other violated each of their paroles."

  --Conan O'Brien

***

During the jury selection process, the judge asked a prospective juror some questions. "Have you formed any opinion about the guilt or innocence of the man on trial, Mr. Ferguson?"

"None whatsoever," Ferguson answered.

"Are you opposed to capital punishment?" the judge asked.

"Certainly not in this case."

***

Ron went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears"

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll have to think about that," said Ron

Six months later the doctor met Ron on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me! again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."

"Is that so? How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

***

"Paris Hilton's private diaries have been stolen. Whoever stole the diaries had access to her bedroom, so it could have been anyone." --Conan O'Brien

***

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars.

We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.

Recently, I was traveling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway.

My dad leaned back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for a while."

"Tom who?" I asked.

My mother translated for me: "Tom Cruise, of course."

***

"Sunday is Grandparents Day. The good thing is that if you forget there's a good chance your grandparents did too."   --Conan O'Brien

***

A lawyer read the will of a rich man to the deceased's family: "To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"

***

Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. "Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"

Johnny replies, "Yeah!"

                                  ***

A teacher was arrested for going through the airport check-in with a calculator and a slide rule.  He was suspected of being part of the terrorist group Al-gebra.

***

What do you call two guys on your wall with no arms or legs?

Curt ‘n Rod

***

There is now a self-help group for those who never stop talking: On & On & On Anon.

***

A man goes to see his doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head.  The doctor takes a look at it and says, “Let me give you some cream for that.”

***

Two rednecks were out fishing in their boat.  After a day of fishing from dawn to dusk, they have caught only two fish.

The first redneck reflects:  “You know, when you figure in the cost of this boat, the motor and the trailer, the cost of fishing licenses, tackle and bait and the gas to get here, it cost us about $100 for each of the fish we caught!”

The second redneck rubs his neck, spits a chaw of tobacco, and responds:  “Well, it’s a good thing we didn’t catch more!”

***

A man goes to the doctor.  The doctor states, “I haven’t seen you for a long time.”

“I know,” responds the patient.  “I’ve been sick.”

***

Famous last words:

-  “Yes, you do look fat in those pants.”

-  “You call that a watchdog?”

-  “Is that a real gun?”

-  “Relax.  I minored in chemistry.”

-  “So, how did you get the name Killer?”

***

Sign outside a church:  “This is the House of the Lord.  Some assembly required.”

***

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

  ***

Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."

The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What made the submarine sink, was it the octopus?"

With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "No, Grampa, it was the 20,000 leaks!"

  ***

A young evangelist had just begun his first full-time job. He was unsettled one morning when he heard a church board member boasting how he used a radar detector to avoid getting ticketed for speeding.

A moment later he was pleased to hear another member tell the man, "It's the man upstairs that you need to be worried about."

The young evangelist was just about to offer his appreciation for the second man's honesty when he added, "That guy in the airplane will get you every time!"

***

During the banquet celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.

Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, meekness, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you stayed single."

***

I was helping a friend of mine with his roadside farm stand when a man stopped by and asked how much the eggs were.

"Sixty cents for the small, seventy cents for the medium, ninety cents for the large and thirty cents for the cracked ones," I answered.

"All right," he said, "crack me a dozen of the large ones."

***

A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.

Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!"

"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."

***

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

After a moment, her 5-year-old son replied quizzically, "Er.... Once?"

***

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place we crashed last year."

***

While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me.

Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."

"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

***

One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.

Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles." Five miles farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles." The next one was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile.

We came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery, and it read: "Ice 75 cents."

***

A man is playing piano one night in a downtown bar. In walks an elephant who goes over to the pianist, and suddenly the elephant starts to cry.

"There, there", says the pianist, "Do you recognize the song?"

"No, no," says the elephant, "but I do recognize the ivory keys."

***

"In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is, the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it." --Billy Crystal

***

Coming out of the supermarket the other day, I saw a scary sight. As a woman loaded groceries into her trunk, her shopping cart began to roll away. The scary part? It was heading straight for my car.

She ran after it, but was too late...the cart slammed into my driver's side door. "How bad's the damage?" I called out, running toward her.

"Bad," she said, gathering her groceries. "I broke at least a dozen eggs."

                                   ***

What's the difference between an American student and an English student?

About 3,000 miles!

Why did Robin Hood steal only from the rich?

Because the poor have nothing worth taking!

***

A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car, so I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, fill a container with water, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only one check in my check book, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail...

                                  ***

A little girl was being punished for bad behavior, and her parents were making her eat dinner by herself on a card table in the corner of the room.

They paid no attention to her until they heard her pray part of Psalm 23: " I thank you, Lord, for preparing a table before me in the presence of my enemies."

                                  ***

It takes the storm to prove the real shelter.

                                  ***

"I bet you think twice before you leave your wife alone at night," chided one man to the other.

"I'll say." replied the second. "First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."

                                  ***

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana actually aired an interview with a black woman from New Orleans. The interviewer was a white woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the black woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied," I don't know about all those other people, but we haven't gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's".

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

                                  ***

"'The artist formerly known as Prince' is getting divorced.  He was seen removing his belongings from the house formerly known as his." --Jay Leno

                                  ***

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.  She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

                                  ***

Wisdom from Grandpa......

- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

- You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.

                                  ***

Yesterday I got even with my dentist. When he was finished I said, "This may hurt a little, Doc...I don't have any money."

                                  ***

"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" --Dave Barry

                                  ***

"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination." -Oscar Wilde

                                  ***

Napoleon  and  the  Furrier

During Napoleon's invasion of Russia, his troops were battling in the middle of yet another small town in that endless wintry land, when he was accidentally separated from his men.  A group of Russian Cossacks spotted him and began chasing him through the twisting streets.

Napoleon ran for his life and ducked into a little furrier's shop on a side alley.  As Napoleon entered the shop, gasping for breath, he saw the furrier and cried piteously, "Save me, save me!  Where can I hide?" The furrier said, "Quick, under this big pile of furs in the corner," and he covered Napoleon up with many furs.

No sooner had he finished than the Russian Cossacks burst in the door, shouting "Where is he?  We saw him come in."  Despite the furrier's protests, they tore his shop apart trying to find Napoleon.  They poked into the pile of furs with their swords but didn't find him. Soon, they gave up and left.

After some time, Napoleon crept out from under the furs, unharmed, just as Napoleon's personal guards came in the door.  The furrier turned to Napoleon and said timidly, "Excuse me for asking this question of such a great man, but what was it like to be under those furs, knowing that the next moment would surely be your last?"

Napoleon drew himself up to his full height and said to the furrier indignantly, "How could you ask such a question of me, the Emperor Napoleon!  Guards, take this impudent man out, blindfold him and execute him.  I, myself, will personally give the command to fire!"

The guards grabbed the poor furrier, dragged him outside, stood him up against a wall and blindfolded him.  The furrier could see nothing, but he could hear the movements of the guards as they slowly shuffled into a line and prepared their rifles, and he could hear the soft ruffling sound of his clothing in the cold wind.

He could feel the wind tugging gently at his clothes and chilling his cheeks, and the uncontrollable trembling in legs.  Then he heard Napoleon clear his throat and call out slowly , "Ready. . .aim . . ."  In that moment, knowing that even these few sensations were about to be taken from him forever, a feeling that he couldn't describe welled up in him as tears poured down his cheeks.

After a long period of silence, the furrier heard footsteps approaching him and the blindfold was stripped from his eyes.  Still partially blinded by the sudden sunlight, he saw Napoleon's eye's looking deeply and intently into his own - eyes that seemed to see into every dusty corner of his being.  Then Napoleon said softly, "Now you know."

***

Wisdom from Grandpa......

- If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

- On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

***

My Dad has a sure way to keep my Mom from buying an outfit.

When she tries it on, he says, "I love that middle-aged look it gives you."

                               ***

When Mary was pregnant, her 5 year old, Billy, was utterly amazed, and a little bit disbelieving, that his sister was growing in his mom's tummy. So one day when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick.

But when he did, the baby was suddenly still. "Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged Mary.

"A nap?" Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too?"

                               *** 

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"

                               ***

The kindergarten teacher asked the students in her class to bring something related to their families' religions to class the next day.

She asked for volunteers to show what they had brought to the rest of the class. One boy came forward and said, "I am Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."

Another child came forward and said, "I am Jewish, and this is my Star of David."

Another came forward and said, "I am Catholic, and this is my Rosary."

The last little boy came forward and said, "I am Southern Baptist, and this is my Covered Dish."

                               ***

Noah in 2006: 

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.

I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

                               ***

Wisdom from Grandpa......

- Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

- When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

***

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"

"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.

If I was on time, I was compulsive."

                                  ***

A college sophomore sweats all semester in anticipation of the notoriously difficult final exam in his ornithology class.  Having made what he regards as the ultimate effort, he is stunned when he walks into the classroom to take the exam.  There is no blue book, no multiple-choice questions, no text booklet at all - just twenty-five pictures on the wall.  And they are not photos of birds in resplendent color, but pictures of bird's feet.  The test is to identify the birds.

"This is insane," the student protests.  "It can't be done."

"It must be done," says the professor.  "This is the final."

"I won't do it," the frustrated student says.  "I'm walking out."

"If you walk out, you fail the final."

"Go ahead and fail me," the boys says, heading for the door.

"Okay, you have failed.  Tell me your name," the professor demands.

The boy rolls his pants up and takes his shoes off to reveal his feet:

"You tell me!"

                                  ***

The New Alphabet:

A is for apple, and B is for boat,

That used to be right, but now it won't float!

Age before beauty is what we once said,

But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now:

A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,

C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight--can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and water retention

G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure--I'd prefer low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is lost hearing--now what did you say?

M is memory lapses occurring all day.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few; Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy. Is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux--one meal turns to two.

S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T for tinnitus; there are bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo--that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry. NOW what's going 'round?

X is for x-ray and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed.

author unknown

                                  ***

"Mommy, my turtle's dead," the little boy, Andrew, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.

The mother kissed him on the head and then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard.

After that, we'll go out for an ice cream cone and then get you a new pet."

"Ice cream?" the little boy said, wiping his tears and smiling. "Oh boy!"

His mother said, "I don't want you..." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Andrew, your turtle isn't dead after all!"

"Oh," the disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it?"

                                  ***

When you're down to nothing...God is up to something!

                                  ***

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.

"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.

"Yes," the girl replied.

"Did it hurt?"

"No."

"Really? Which bone did you break?"

"My sister's arm."

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

***

While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.

"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."

At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"

                                  ***

At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight.

A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight.

She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three pounds."

                                  ***

My father says, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family.' I said, 'Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?"

                                  ***

Wisdom from Grandpa......

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

                                  ***

"We've had huge rain storms all the way from Minnesota to New York. Or as Al Gore calls it, global leaking."

  --Jay Leno

                                  ***

I've been reading a new book, if any of you would like to borrow it just let me know. It's called the "Useful Golf Book".  It contains some really good articles such as:

* How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt

* How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee

* How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker

* How to get more distance off the shank

* Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk

* Crying and how to handle it

* How to rationalize a 7-hour round

* How to find the ball that everyone else saw go in the water

* Why your spouse no longer cares that you birdied the 4th

* How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting embarrassed

* How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee

                                  ***

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day: 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men."

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

                                  ***

An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States.

After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen. One of the students raised her hand, "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be president?"

                                  ***

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I  reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.  Only this year I'm gonna do it a  little different.  The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.  Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.  Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

                                  ***

The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.

                                  ***

"Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them, since you cannot even make yourself as you wish to be."

                     - T. A. Kempkis

                                  ***

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."

"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."

                                  ***

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

                                  ***

A truck driver was traveling down the freeway. A sign came up that read, "Low bridge ahead." Before he knew it, the bridge was directly ahead of him and then he got stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car arrived. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips, and said, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

                                  ***

The day before his wedding, I stopped in to visit my uncle.  It was his second marriage and I knew he really wanted to make it work. "Are you nervous about the wedding?" I asked him.

"No way," he replied nonchalant. "Cup of cake. Cup of cake

                                 ***

Top 10 Things a Teenage Daughter Doesn't Want to Hear from Her Dad:

10. "Let me explain what 'deductible' means on car insurance."

9. "Your mom's almost ready. Where are we going on our double date?"

8. "Seems to me last year's prom dress still has some life in it."

7. "I signed us up for the pairs karaoke contest this Friday night."

6. "We ate possum toes like popcorn when I was a kid."

5. "Let's get ice cream, my treat! Just let me grab my jar of coins."

4. "I am proud that you decided to keep the family unibrow."

3. "You don't need to go shopping after all. I picked out a purse for you on my way home."

2. "I ran into Bobby at the grocery store. I told him that you're really hoping he'll ask you to the dance."

1. "By the way, I had to borrow your deodorant yesterday."

                                  ***

Ninety percent of the friction of daily life is caused by the wrong tone of voice.

                                  ***

A Florida officer pulled over an eighty-year-old teacher because her hand signals were confusing.

"First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then you waved your hand up and down, then you turned left," said the officer.

"I decided not to turn right," she explained.

"Then why the up and down?" asked the officer.

"Officer," she sniffed, "I was erasing!"

                                  ***

"Here's something fascinating. Honda has announced it's developed technology that links a person's thoughts to a machine. It uses brain signals to control a robot's movements, to which Al Gore said, 'Been there, done that.'"

  --Jay Leno

                                  ***

Helpful Tips to Make Life Simple

* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.

Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

                                  ***

My sister-in-law Bonnie was very busy one day working in her house. She had just gotten to the basement after quite a few trips up and down when she heard the telephone ring upstairs. Tiredly, she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end. "Hello, is this Bonnie D?"

"Yes."

"We are calling people in your area and would like to know if you would help us by participating in a brief survey."

Without missing a beat, she told them, "I'm very busy right now. You will have to survey your own briefs."

                                   ***

God tries our faith so that we may try his faithfulness.

 ***

Why do aggressive people make lousy matadors?

Because they always take the bull by the horns.

                                   ***

I feel it is my duty to warn everyone of a major problem, one that endangers lives, damages property and causes untold misery, a growing menace that can be summed up in three words: men doing laundry.

At first glance, MDL may not seem like a big problem, especially to members of the female species, who generally prefer MDL to WDL. But the evidence is overwhelming.  MDL has resulted in millions of discolored clothes, billions of missing socks, and countless broken relationships.

Wife: "Did you remember to separate the clothes before washing them?"

Husband: "Yes, of course I did.  I put the whites at the bottom and the colors on top."

Wife: "You idiot, you were supposed to wash them separately.

You obviously don't know what separation means, but trust me, you're about to find out!"

                                   ***

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter,"

he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say, 'well done'?"

"Oh, thank you, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."

                                   ***

Overheard were two high school superintendents from different school systems. One asked the other how their football season turned out.

The superintendent replied: "We had a 5 and 5 season. We lost 5 at home and 5 on the road."

                                   ***

Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.

                                   ***

I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five mile zone, but I told them I had dyslexia.

                                    ***

DRAWBACKS OF WORKING IN A CUBICLE

[Or, "Welcome to my life."]

* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who's behind you.

* Fabric walls offer little protection from gunfire.

* The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

* When you quit and walk out, there's no door to slam.

* Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box all day long.

* 23 power cords - 1 outlet.

* The carpet has been there since 1976 (or older) and shows more signs of life than your coworkers.

* If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say "What? I didn't hear you."

* You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they're gone.

                               ***

You know you're on a diet when cat food commercials make you hungry.

                               ***

How to install a wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:

"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."

                                ***

The difficulty lies not so much in developing new ideas as in

escaping from the old ones.       - John Kynes

                                ***

One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed. After I gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs.

Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you."

With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate, and handed it back to me.

                                  ***

A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought God had given him two feet.

Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy; one for the clutch and one for the accelerator."

                                  ***

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

                                  ***

Each day when I would come home from work I would drop to my knees and ask my 4-year-old son if he wanted to box. I wanted him to learn how to protect himself. We would spar around for a few minutes before supper.

One day my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The shoe salesman was fiendly and allowed my son to try on several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home and he replied, "yes".

The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, "do you want a box?"

Our son stood up and punched him right on the nose. After grabbing our son we had to spend the next several minutes explaining why this happened. Luckilly, our salesman was also the father of a 4-year-old.

                                  ***

Those who are prepared to die are the most prepared to live.

***

Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for "enjoyment of food." So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."

Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant manager to present his side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turned to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"

Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

                                  ***

Mother's Day Funnies:

* * * * Choosing Your Husband * * * *

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

* * * * The Younger Generations* * * *

Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.

* * * * What is an Antique? * * * *

An antique is something your grandmother bought, your mother threw out, and you are now buying back.

* * * Things Mom Would Never Say * * *

1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery."

4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week."

5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."

6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."

9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."

                                  ***

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

                                  ***

When it comes to doing things for others....some people stop at nothing.

***

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

***

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.

He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

                                  ***

Kid Talk:

JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feed his new baby sister. After a while he asked, "Mom, why have you got two?

Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?

DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked, "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young man and woman who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

                                 ***

God answers knee mail.

                                 ***

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy really liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

                                   ***

Bumper Stickers:

-Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!

-This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.

-This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet.

-Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!

-Faster than a speeding ticket!

-Adults are just kids with money.

-T.G.I.F Thank Goodness I'm Female.

-You are right where you belong, behind me!

-They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a bus hit   

 mine.

-Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

-Was today really necessary?

-In theory, everything works.

-Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

-Too many freaks, not enough circuses!

-A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

-Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?

                                  ***

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming.

And today Al Gore agreed with him. That's so typical. Two cyborgs blaming the humans." --Jay Leno

                                  ***

Part of my job at the District Attorney's office is to send letters to people accused of crimes, informing them when a court date is scheduled. One such notice was returned, clearly by a criminal mastermind, with this jotted on the envelope, "I do not live here anymore."

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

                                  ***

"It is a strange thing that, while all would live long, none would be old."

- - Benjamin Franklin

***

My in-laws gave us a beautiful knife set--top quality. The accompanying cutting board, however, was a different story.

On the wrapping around it was printed this warning: "Opening with sharp object may damage this product."

                                  ***

One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge goes down to speak to the oarsmen in the hold of his ship.

"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile."

The men cheered and sang the praises of the Queen.

The captain then continued, "The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."

                                  ***

   You Know You're in a redneck church if...

  1. ...the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members  knows how to play  one.

  2. ... people ask, when  they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or  catfish, and what bait  was used to catch 'em.

  3. ... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask  Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand  up.

  4.  ... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

  5.  ... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift  something too heavy.

  6.  ... the  baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

  7. ... the choir robes were donated by  (and embroidered with the logo

from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

  8.  ... The collection plates are really  hubcaps from a'56 Chevy.

  9.  ... the minister and  his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

 10. ... The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now,  Ya heah".

                                  ***

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband."

And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

                                  ***

My little boy sometimes had difficult bowel movements. One day, we were browsing together in a novelty and gift store. There were many wooden signs of "words of encouragement" hanging on display.

Suddenly, he pointed to one of the signs and said to me, "Mum, I think we should get this one and hang it in the toilet." I looked at the sign he was indicating.

It read:

P. U. S. H.

"Pray Until Something Happens."

                                 ***

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The consequences of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effects on her assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference -- pretty cute, really -- and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, master,"

reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and GREAT WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there???

My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

Still in shock,

Tommy

                                ***

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

***

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is that man... and why is he so upset?" a passenger asks the ship's captain.

"I have no idea," says the captain; "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."

                                   ***

"She said she listened to her heart and her gut. Meanwhile, Mike Wallace says he decided to leave '60 Minutes' after listening to his goiter and prostate." --Conan O'Brien, on Katie Couric leaving NBC for CBS

                                   ***

"The Wall Street Journal reports that two million Americans got married because of someone they met online. The bad news, four million got divorced because of somebody they met online." --Jay Leno

                                   ***

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand.

"I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know!"

                                   ***

"My parents told me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.' I tell my daughters, 'Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.'" --Thomas Friedman

                                   ***

Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western

civilization:

Moses said the law is everything.

Jesus said love is everything.

Marx said capital is everything.

Freud said sex is everything.

Einstein said everything is relative.

                                   ***

A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer's wife had prepared for them.  Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his dinner too. The hired man didn't say a word, but filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat.

After awhile the farmer said, "We've got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now too."

Again, the hired man didn't respond but refilled his plate a third time and continued to eat.  Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his chair & began to take off his shoes.

"What are you doing?" the farmer asked.

The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper."

                                  ***

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Hey! Ray, are you going to put that patio away EVERY night?"

                                 ***

I'm looking for a place to stay for the weekend because my wife kicked me out. For some reason she's mad at me.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, fishing, golfing, watching TV. You know, important things.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

After that she just lost it and kicked me out! Can you believe that?

                                 ***

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in, saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and beat up the peacock!

                                 ***

What you are is God's gift to you; what you do with yourself is your gift to God.   --- Danish proverb

                                 ***

Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I have I to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."

There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.

"That's better," said his father. "Now in the future you will always come downstairs like that."

"OK," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."

                                 ***

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

                                  ***

Punny Reading:

"The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum

"Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily

"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic

"Thirty Yards to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makeit (illustrated by Betty Wont)

"The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns

"How to Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich

"Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff

"How to Save Time" by Terry A. While

                                   ***

"A new study says that obese people can lose weight if they walk 12 miles per week. As a result Applebee's is introducing a new 12 mile long buffet." --Conan O'Brien

                                   ***

A student named Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (in Scotland) who was admitted into the prestigious Oxford University was living in the hall of residence in his first year there.

His clan was so excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but they were concerned how he would do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied in his thick brogue, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and he won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night."

"Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with those awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."

                                   ***

"You'll never know that God is all you need, until God is all you've got."

        - - Rick Warren, "The Purpose Driven Life"

                                   ***

Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is for washing our hair."

The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer. "Here you go, sister," she said, "don't forget the curlers."

***

No sooner had I plopped myself in the chair for my checkup when the dentist smirked, "Ready for your cavity search?"

***

I was flying between Maui and Oahu.  It's only a 30 minute flight and so, to save money, I flew with a small airline in a little, twin-engine plane. About eight minutes into the flight the pilot announced that we were going to have to turn back due to some engine trouble.

The nervous passenger I was seated next to turned to me and said, "Oh no!  If we loose an engine, how far do you think the other one will take us?"

I told him, "One engine?  Oh, I'm sure it'll take us all the way to the scene of the crash.  Heck, we'll probably make good time too.  I bet we beat the paramedics there by at least a half hour!"

***

The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way.

Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"

***

Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin. "Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.

"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.

"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle."

***

People are funny:  they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

***

I went to a store to buy some insecticide. "Is this good for beetles?" I asked the clerk.

"No," he replied. "It'll kill 'em."

                                  ***

I heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually barreled into our vet practice. Spotting a training video we sell, the owner wisely decided to buy one.

"How does this work?" she asked, handing me a check. "Do I just have him watch this?"

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

                                  ***

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.

When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.

I heard one man say to his wife, "Look, honey, here comes your anesthesiologist."

                                  ***

The church I serve has a summer ministry at a chapel. At our first service last summer, the chairman of the board of deacons met me at the door with the information that there were no offering plates to be found. None of the men wore hats, and he thought it undignified to pass a shoe. He had tried to borrow something suitable from a house nearby, but no one was home.

When I went to the chancel to begin the service, the problem was still unsolved. Time came for the offering, and two ushers walked down the aisle wearing broad grins and carrying shiny receptacles. The deacon had resourcefully borrowed two hubcaps from a parishioner's car.

                                  ***

"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING.  I slow down, and then it occurs to me... I'm not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz

                                  ***

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at an academic function, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

                                  ***

"One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake." --Jack Handey

                                  ***

My 20th high school class reunion was held at a hotel on the same night that another school's 10th-year reunion was taking place.

While my girl friends and I were in the rest room talking, some unfamiliar women entered. After their stares became uncomfortable, we turned toward them. One of the women said, "Don't mind us. We just wanted to see how we'd look in another 10 years."

                                  ***

LETTER FROM A FARM KID (now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay...practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.

You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

                               ***

My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.

"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.

"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"

"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."

                               ***

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

                               ***

"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit they've tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of American men actually need one." --Jay Leno

                                  ***

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other."

  --Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts

                                  ***

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came

upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about

the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you

laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work,

the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a

Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the

farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for

Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The determined young preacher tried again asking the farmer,

"Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated

preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's

it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young Preacher

replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day!"

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his

brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my

wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three

days!"

                                  ***

"Yesterday Dick Cheney gave an interview with Fox News.  Actually the interview did get off to a bad start when Brit Hume said, 'Mr. Vice President, I have some questions.' And Cheney said, 'Okay, shoot.'" --Jay Leno

                                  ***

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

                                  ***

It's smart to pick your friends...but not to pieces.

                                  ***

Brain Cramps (actual quotes):

Question:  If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.

There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

-- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may re-apply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.

And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

                                  ***

once went for a job at an airline. The interviewer asked me why I wanted to be a stewardess, and I told her -- it would be a great chance to meet men. She looked at me and said, "But you can meet men anywhere." I said, "Strapped down?" - Martha Raye

                                  ***

"Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great scent. It's called New Car Interior." -Rita Rudner

                                  ***

"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky.

"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.

"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"

                                   ***

The Pastor: "So God has sent you two more little brothers, Dolly?"

Dolly: (brightly) "Yes, and He knows where the money's coming from; I heard Daddy say so."

                                   ***

Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"

                                   ***

"The body of Benjamin Franklin, printer, like the cover of an old book, its contents worn out and stript of its lettering and gilding, lies here, food for worms.  Yet the work itself shall not be lost, for it will appear once more in a new and more beautiful edition, corrected and amended by the author."  - Franklin's epitaph, self-written

                                   ***

Both sides of our family turned out for my wife's college graduation. After the dean finished awarding all the diploma's, he requested, "Will all the 'cum laudes' please stand up?"

My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered, "Wow! The Cum Laude family sure has a lot of kids!"

                                  ***

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a con- ciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I'm wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"

                                 ***

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

                                 ***

The husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said "that's ok sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. he found it just in time, but in a horrible position. he played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole.

He told his wife to knock the ball in. his wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.  Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker. He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey, and that's ok, but I think we can do better on the next hole."

To which she replied, "Listen dear, don't yell at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine!"

                                  ***

Your life either sheds light or casts a shadow.

                                  ***

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 150.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and fat!"

                                  ***

Jim Kevin, a good friend of mine just returned from traveling around the USA for a year.  He had a lot of stories to tell, but this was my favorite.

It seems he was looking for a bank and stopped to ask directions. The man he asked replied "Just drive down this road about 5 miles and then turn left at the Stop n Go."

He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7.  At about 10 miles down he stopped for directions again.  The man he asked replied, "Just go back down this road about 5 miles and turn right at the Stop n Go"

He headed out again but still had no luck.  When he got back to where he had started he stopped again.  When he ask for directions the answer was exactly the same.  This time Jim asked, "Could you describe the Stop n Go for me?" The man gave him a funny look and said "It's on a pole. It's got a red light on the top, a green light on the bottom...."

                                  ***

"Al Gore is writing his second book on global warming.

It's called, 'The Earth is Warming, My Career is Cooling.'"

  --Jay Leno

                                  ***

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.

Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, and he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

                                  ***

Life is not about how many friends you have, but how many you have been a friend to.

                                  ***

A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"

"What's that mean?" asks the girl.

"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."

"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"

The girl says, "That's French toast."

                                   ***

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and  noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him, and him, and him!"

                                  ***

A man's most memorable experience was the famous Johnstown flood. He never stopped talking about it. When he died and went to heaven, he asked if he could tell the people about his experiences.

Peter told him he thought it could be arranged. "But you must remember," he cautioned, "that Noah will be in the audience."

                                  ***

     Q: What is the difference between men and women?

     A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

         A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

     Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your

         e-mail?

     A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

                                  ***

An eight-year-old was yelling impatiently, "I want vanilla!"

The stand was out of vanilla, but his older brother handled the situation with all the skill of a child psychologist.

He bought two strawberry cones and handed one to his brother, saying, "Here you are ... pink vanilla!"

                                  ***

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."

Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

                                  ***

One day recently our five-year-old daughter, Roberta, was sitting very quietly in the kitchen, staring out the window.  I thought she was wrestling with a very serious problem. I asked her what was on her mind.

"Dad," she replied, "is mother nature God's wife?"

                                  ***

Dear Spike,

I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget?

I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job.

I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.

Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,

Your future father-in-law

P. S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery!

                                   ***

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the Shell station.

                                   ***

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me!"

                                   ***

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.

She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

                                   ***

Students at school were asked to write about the harmful effects of oil on fish. One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."

                                   ***

A lady was entertaining her friend's small son. "Are you sure you can cut your meat?" she asked, after watching his struggles.

"Oh, yes," he replied, without looking up from his plate.

"We often have it as tough as this at home."

                                  ***

Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, "How come you aren't married?"

John: "I haven't found the right woman yet."

George: "So what are you looking for?"

John: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house keeper, she's got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality -- and money, she's got to have money, and a nice big house wouldn't hurt either."

George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!"

John: "Oh, it's okay if she's crazy, too."

                                  ***

"Last night I dreamed you gave me $200 to spend on a Christmas wardrobe," a wife said to her husband. Surely, you wouldn't do anything to spoil that, would you?"

"Of course not," he replied. "Keep the $200."

                                  ***

Farmer Browne: "Did you lose much in that last tornado?"

Farmer Jones: "Lost the henhouse and all the chickens. But that was all right--I ended up with three new cars and somebody's pickup truck."

                                  ***

"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!"

I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was.

"Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

                                  ***

In a certain debating society, the subject of relativity came up. One member took it upon himself to elucidate the all-absorbing scientific theory. He explained, propounded and twisted the subject for an hour. When he had finished from sheer exhaustion, a listener spoke up.

"You know, after listening to you, I think you are really greater than Einstein himself. Very few people understand him, but NOBODY understands you."

                                 ***

What weighs 5000 pounds, eats peanuts and lives in Los Angeles?

An L.A. Phant.

                                 ***

How do you take down a monkey's voice?

With an ape recorder.

Not that I need reminding, but time flies much too fast.

When I was a teenager, I used to whine to my parents, "Just once I would like to see Aerosmith in concert before I die."

The other day my 13-year-old son, an aspiring rock star, blew my mind with this: "Dad, I'd like to see Aerosmith just once before they die."

[Thanks to Reader's Digest.]

                                 ***

At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why.

No amount of discussion could get him to change his mind.

Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason for his reluctance.

An aunt had told him how exciting the show would be because "They choose children from the audience to feed Shamu."

                                 ***

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit.

One day a long came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

BUT a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me.  An attached note read: "You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."

So I did.

                                ***

At a recent computer exposition, Bill Gates reportedly com- pared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If General Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon". In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating: "If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

                                ***

How many different kinds of gnus are there?  Two.  Good gnus and bad gnus.

                                ***

How do rabbits travel?  By hareplane.

                                ***

A man and wife were enjoying a dinner party at the home of friends. Near the end of the meal, the wife slapped her husband's arm.

"That's the third time you've gone for dessert," she said.

"The Hostess must think you're an absolute pig."

"I doubt that," the husband said. "I've been telling her it's for you."

                                  ***

YEAR: 1981

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

4. Pope died.

YEAR: 2005

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

4. Pope died.

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody please warn the Pope!

                                  ***

I came across this exercise to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. 

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful!

                                 ***

A surgical patient was given the usual postoperative instructions. That night she called, wanting to know if her mother could visit. "Any time," the doctor replied. "Why do you ask?"

"It says here in your instructions, 'no relations until after your post-op checkup.'

***

Pregnant with my third child and experiencing morning sickness, I was resting on the living-room couch. Workmen were doing some minor repairs in the house. As one walked by, I explained, "Don't mind me. I'm in my first trimester."

"Oh," he said. "What's your major?"

                                  ***

In a hat shop a saleslady gushed: "That's the hat for you!

It makes you look ten years younger."

"Then I don't want it," retorted the customer. "I certainly can't afford to put on ten years every time I take off my hat!"

                                ***

Little Johnny: "Will you lend me ten dollars, if I asked you?"

Mother:  "Why, yes, I suppose so."

Little Johnny:  "All right, then, lend me ten, but just give me five of it."

Mother:  "O.K. But why?"

Little Johnny: "Then you'll owe me five, and I'll owe you five, and we'll be even."

                                ***

Since spaghetti is now 'pasta' and a TV set is a 'home entertainment system,' the manager of my grocery store did his best to jazz up the lowly egg.

He still has some work to do. A sign he put up in the dairy section advertised them as "Boneless Chicken."

                                ***

Waitress:  "Our lunch special today is liver and onions."

Customer:  "Hmmm...I'm not a big fan of liver.  Can I substitute it with pancreas or gallbladder?"

                                ***

Still living at home, bored, and expecting to inherit a fortune when his sickly widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to keep him company.

So he went to a singles bar, and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Robert that night.

And four days later, she became his stepmother.

Some men never learn...

                               ***

A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

                              ***

Did you hear what happened to the butcher? He backed into a meat slicer and got a little behind in his work.

                              ***

Village Dry Cleaners has relocated to High Street, right next door to St. Joseph's Church. After March 1, Cleanliness Is Next to Godliness.'

                              ***

The year is 1905 -- one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!

Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the year 1905:

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads in the U.S.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.

With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.

The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.

Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had no college education.

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women washed their hair only once a month, and they used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza

2. Tuberculosis

3. Diarrhea

4. Heart disease

5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.

Back then a pharmacist said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

(Shocking!)

Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years!

                                ***

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

                                ***

Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea.

She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet, and so on.

When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.

The next morning when his mother woke him up, he asked, "What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for school.

"What?" he asked. "Again?"

                              ***

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

                             ***

As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to those first-time turkey cookers...

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

                               ***

Autumn leaves ... God doesn't.

                               ***

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"

"Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."

"Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

                                  ***

Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a card with a painting of a Pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren,

observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."

"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied. "So why is their Dad carrying that rifle?"

                                  ***

St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.

St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.

Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says.

"I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St.

Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.

St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?"

"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.

"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St.

Peter asks.

"They keep resuscitating me," he replies.

                                  ***

My violin teacher was instructing a large group class. She showed them her violin and said, "This violin was made in the early 1800s in Vienna."

Someone in the audience raised their hand and asked, "So you got it used?"

                                  ***

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for season tickets."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away from the game.

Sarah said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season tickets?"

"Absolutely not," he said, "season's more than half over."

                                  ***

After turning ninety, Marie found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead. She wrote, "Buy your own present" on each card and mailed them early.

Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities. Only after Christmas did she find the gift checks on her desk, which she had forgotten to enclose.

                                  ***

Decision Making - Some Interesting Points Of View

* For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (H L Mencken)

* Only one thing is certain - that is, nothing is certain.

If this statement is true, it is also false. (Ancient

Paradox)

* Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. (Will Rogers)

* There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.

(Goethe)

* A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience.

(Oliver Wendell Holmes)

* Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it. (Henry Ford)

* If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking. (George Patton)

* Planning without action is futile; action without planning is fatal. (Unknown)

* Confidence is what you feel before you comprehend the situation. (Proverb)

* A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. (Mitch Ratliffe)

                               ***

An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone, he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."

They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave.

The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars, and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has."

The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."

"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.

"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money coming to you."

                               ***

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

                               ***

"The first thing I did after being hired as the director of learning technology at a high school was to change the sign outside my door -- the one that had my name followed by the acronym D.O.L.T."

                               ***

Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

                               *** 

"The New York City Marathon is coming up. It's not the hardest marathon. I believe it's the only marathon with smoke breaks."

   --David Letterman

                                  ***

Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks.

Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. 

When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was July 23.

                               ***

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage.

The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that?

                               ***

At my friends' wedding reception, the groom stood to say a few words. He turned to his bride's mother.  "You've given me a gift," he began, "a gift that..."

Here he paused in thought, whereupon his mother-in-law completed the sentence, "That you can't return!"

                               ***

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled.

It appeared to be on its last legs.

My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.

"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.

"Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"

"Autumn," he replied.

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

                              ***

My son had just turned 14 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex.  To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape.

"Son, do you know about girls and babies?" I asked.

He nodded but cut me off.

The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence.  On the third lift, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to talk about sex?"

"Gee, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"

                              ***

Perfect matches:

1. He's a chiropractor, and she is a pain in the neck.

2. He's a funny old goat, and she's a great kidder.

3. He doesn't have a dollar, and she has no sense.

4. He sells balloons for a living, and she's full of hot air.

5. He's bow-legged, and she's as straight as an arrow.

6. She's a math teacher, and he's a guy with a lot of problems.

                               ***

Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me. Under "Previous Employment" she wrote, "Baby sitting."

In answer to "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "Parents came home."

                               ***

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.

"The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

                                ***

We had built our dream house several years ago, and furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them.

Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.

"Finally!" I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house. "I've been waiting twelve years for this!"

"Don't blame me, lady," he said. "I just got the order this morning."

                                ***

A happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers.

                                ***

"You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's oldest globe. It's flat." --Buzz Nutley

                               ***

My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me.

But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision.

Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything in the store for men?"

"Sir," she said, "everything in this store is for men."

                               ***

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.  Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

                               ***

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

                                ***

Two neighboring churches hadn't gotten along for years.

Finally, they decided to forget past grievances.

"For, after all," said the first man of God, "we are both doing the Lord's work."

"That is true," said the second man of God. "Let us do His work to the best of our ability: you in your way, and (with a twinkle in his eye), I in His!"

                                ***

"We have Weezer on the show tonight. Don't confuse that with the Rolling Stones - that would be geezer." --Jay Leno

                                ***

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called the plumber.

The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, repaired the pipe, and handed the doctor a bill for six hundred dollars.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

"Yeah," the plumber replied philosophically, "neither did I when I was a doctor."

                                ***

Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening's dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my son to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. "Make sure to put it in at 350," I said.

"Sorry, can't," he replied. "I don't get home until quarter after four."

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

                               ***

"So, how did you do?" the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road.

"All I got were two orders."

"What were they? Anything good?"

"Nope," the salesman replied.  "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"

                               ***

As team leader of the Police Tactics and Rescue Unit, I directed officers late one night to strategic positions around a building where a dangerous suspect was hiding.

Believing the culprit to be on the roof, I decided to have an officer shine his flash-light in that direction on my command.

At just the right moment, I whispered to him, "Okay, throw a light on the roof."

The officer hurled his flashlight to the top of the building.

                             ***

Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them, complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago, and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year: namely, that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up... and I have not heard back.

Guess I won that stupid argument!

                           ***

Johnny giggled when the teacher read the story of a man who swam a river three times before breakfast.

"You do not doubt that a trained swimmer could do that, do you?" asked the teacher.

"No, but I wonder why he didn't make it four times and get back to the side where his clothes were."

                           ***

As an airline reservation agent, I took a call from a man who wanted to book a flight for two but wasn't happy with the price of $59 per ticket. "I want the $49 fare I saw advertised," he insisted, saying he would accept a flight at any time.

I managed to find two seats on a 6 a.m. flight.

"I'll take it," he said, then worried his wife might not like the early hour. I warned there was a fee of $25 per person if he changed the reservation. "Oh, that's no problem," he said dismissively. "What's fifty bucks?"

[Thanks to Reader's Digest.]

                               ***

(These are the best I've seen yet!)

You Know You're a Redneck When... (2005 Edition)

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. You offer someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

7. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas wish list.

12. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

13. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

14. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

15. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

16. You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

17. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

18. You have a rag for a gas cap.

19. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

20. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

21. You can spit without opening your mouth.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

24. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

25. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

26. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

27. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

28. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

29. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

30. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

                              ***

Each evening a bird lover, Tom, stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night an owl called back to him.

For a year, Tom and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with her neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied, "so does mine."

                              ***

The hardest thing to give is in.

                              ***

One morning, after her husband had gone to work, his wife decided to have a leisurely bath. She undressed and then remembered that the gas was still on in the kitchen. Wrapped in a towel, she went downstairs.

She was about to turn off the gas when she heard footsteps. She realized at once that it was the milkman since the arrangement was for him to deliver the milk to the kitchen.  So she ran to the nearest door, the broom cupboard and made it just in time.

The footsteps grew louder and the door opened. It was the man from the Gas Company who had called to read the meter.

For a moment she was speechless. Then she said, "Sorry, I was expecting the milkman."

                            ***

I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car.

He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare.  Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope.

Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat.

"Yes," he replied. "Oil."

                               ***

A man in a blue J.C. Penney suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around, vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over.  Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" Alas, the man would not reach up.

Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.

"Friend," he asked with compassion, "what is your profession?"

"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man in the blue suit.

"Please, sir, take my hand," said Ben Bebo.

The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to give you anything, my friends..."

                             ***

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

            ***

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now, and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby!"

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

                               ***

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr.

Thompson went home.... very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

                             ***

Bible Brain Twister By John Kezer

I once made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu, kept people looking so hard for facts, and for others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the truth finally struck home to numbers of readers. To others, it was a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.

One preacher found 16 books in 20 minutes. It took him three weeks to find the seventeenth one.

(Hint: See how many books of the bible you can find in the text above.)

Answer Below:

Bible Brain Twister By [John] Kezer

I once made a re[mark] about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lu[lu, ke]pt people loo [king s]o hard for f[acts], and for others it was a [revelation]. Some were in a [jam, es] pecially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the t[ruth] finally struck home to [numbers] of readers. To others, it was a real [job]. We want it to be [a mos]t fascinating few moments for you. Y[es, ther]e will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require [judges] to help them. I will quickly admi[t it us]ually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud [lamentations] when it is found. A little lady says s[he brews] a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can com [pete. R]elax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.

                            ***

The airlines are working much harder to deal with the problem of lost luggage. This morning I saw a picture of my suitcase on a milk carton.

                            ***

Don't worry; the only person to ever get their work done by Friday was Robinson Carusoe.

                                ***  

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

                                ***

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson.

"Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with an answer: "They don't have a union."

                              ***

A mother came home from shopping and found her freshly baked pie dug out crudely from the center. A gooey spoon lay in the sink and crumbs were scattered over the kitchen counter and floor.

She called her son into the kitchen. "Peter," she said sternly, "You promised me you wouldn't touch that pie before dinner."

Peter hung his head.

"And I promised you I'd spank you if you did," she continued.

Peter brightened. "Now that I've broken my promise,"

he offered, "it's OK with me if you break yours, too!

                               ***

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"

The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"

                               ***

A minister was looking into the spiritual condition of one of his parishioners. When he asked her how things were going, she replied, "The old devil is still giving me trouble."

At that, her husband spoke up and said, "Now wait a minute; you're not so easy to live with yourself."

                               ***

"According to the 'Wall Street Journal', researchers at Harvard have found an enzyme in the brain that regulates obesity.  They said if it wasn't for our brains, we would all be thin.  That's why supermodels are so skinny."

  --Jay Leno

                                ***

This is why we trail so many countries in math...

I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a woman who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared:

"12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news.

Then, turning to me, asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

                                ***

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.

Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing and then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

The pro just stood there and stared at the novice. "Uh...

you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

                               ***

"In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"

The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

                               ***

Some of Bob Hope's Famous Quips

ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."

ON TURNING 80: "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100: " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING: "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'"

ON GOLF: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS: "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'"

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY: "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: "That's how I learned to dance -- waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: "I would not have had anything to eat if it weren't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

                               ***

Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game. The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.

They were the first roller coasters. Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest.

They called them ferrous wheels.

           ***

Random Quotes:

"There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age."

"Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars, and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons."

(Douglas Adams)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman)

"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." (Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman)

"Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable."

"If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag."

"100,000 lemmings can't be wrong."

                                ***

After delivering a lecture on drawing, I gave my art class its assignment--complete a self-portrait. A young man in the front row raised his hand and asked, "Of anyone?"

                                ***

"My car has this feature I guess is standard, because it was on my last car, too. It has a rotating gas tank. No matter what side of the pump I pull up to, it's on the other side."

  --Rita Rudner

                             ***

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years."

                             ***

Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation.

At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"

When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."

                             ***

"There was a rumor that Lisa Marie Presley has sold Graceland. Luckily it turned out not to be true. I'm glad she didn't sell it. I was so afraid the new buyers would turn it into some kind of gaudy, tacky tourist attraction."

  --Jay Leno

                             ***

"It was hot today. Like 90 out. It was so hot here in Beverly Hills I saw a guy in a Porsche with his toupee down." --Craig Ferguson

                             ***

Long ago there was once an old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in tepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"

                              ***

An Arkansas mountain man made the long walk into town one fateful Saturday afternoon carrying a jug of homemade moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

He stopped a poor, unfortunate fellow on the street, saying to him, "Here friend, take a drink outta my jug. I made this maself!"

The man protested, saying he couldn't possibly bring himself to drink homemade moonshine. But the mountain man leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded, "Drink!"

The stranger took a swallow, and immediately shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Have mercy!" he finally cried.  "That's awful stuff you've got there."

"Ain't it, though?" replied the mountain man. "Now, you hold the gun on me and make me take a swig."

                               ***

A man ninety years old was asked to what he attributed his longevity.

"I reckon," he said, with a twinkle in his eye, "it's because most nights I went to bed and slept, when I should have sat up and worried."

***

If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left-handed people are in their right mind.

                                ***

"There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, that it ill behooves any of us to find fault with the rest of us." --James Truslow Adams

                                ***

Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to his country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip however, he made his approach down the airport runway as usual.

Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here without wheels!" The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster.

Continuing home, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what on earth got into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!"

And with that, he opened the door and stepped out ... and promptly disappeared into the water.

                               ***

"It was reported today that an anti-Hillary website has only been able to raise $12,000. When asked why, Bill Clinton said, 'That's all I had.'" --Conan O'Brien

                                ***

It was the first day of school, after summer vacations and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again. After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus.

Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place.

After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away. "Wait!"  I called. "We have to go inside and find out where you live."

"I live right there," he said, pointing to a house across the street. "I just always wanted to ride in a school bus."

                              ***

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.

When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy,

you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

                               ***

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!"

                                    ***

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.  --- Corrie ten Boom

    ***

My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.

As soon as they were out of sight, and walking toward the beach, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked the car.

                                  ***

On marriage:

"Some marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning."

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." - Benjamin Franklin

"Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost - she may have gotten him."

"A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions he can answer." - Ronald Colman

"Before marriage the three little words are 'I love you', after marriage they are, 'let's eat out'."

"By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philospher." - Socrates

"A diplomatic husband said to his wife, 'How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?'

"Marriage is a great institution - but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry

"You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and a few words in your sleep to get divorced."

"The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding."

"If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would be fewer divorces - and more bankruptcies." - Frances Rodman

"Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke."

"Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales."

"No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a higher opinion of him than he deserves." - Edgar Watson Howe

                             ***

A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better. Her title: 'Nun of Your Business.'

                             ***

"Happy Birthday to Jessica Simpson who turned 25 years old on Sunday. Jessica threw a surprise party for herself - and it worked. She had no idea!" --Jay Leno

                             ***

An apology is the superglue of life...it can repair just about anything.

                             ***

An old farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. The reporter asked what he is going to do with all the money.

"Oh, I reckon the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills."

"And what about the rest?" the reporter continued.

The farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."

                                ***

A doctor, in scanning over a form to see how it had been filled out, noticed the figures 120 and 113 under the headings, "Age of father, if living," and "Age of mother, if living."

"But your parents are not so old, are they?"

"No," was the reply, "but they would have been, if living."

                                ***

Actual Newspaper Headlines:

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

3. Eye Drops off Shelf

4. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

5. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

6. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

7. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

8. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

9. War Dims Hope for Peace

10. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

11. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

12. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

13. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

14. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

15. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

16. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

17. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

18. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

19. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

20. Include your Children When Baking Cookies

                                ***

A man out driving saw a traffic camera flash as he passed by.  Astounded that he had apparently been caught speeding when he was only doing the speed limit, he turned around, and going slower, passed by the camera once more.  Again, he saw it flash.

He couldn't believe it, so turning and going at a snail's pace he passed the camera once more.  AGAIN he saw the camera flash!  Guessing that the camera must be faulty, he went home.

Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail ... all for not wearing a seatbelt.

                                ***

Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.

"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."

"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

                                ***

Choose an author as you would choose a friend.

-- Roscommon

                                ***

Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument.

"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.

"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us."

The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"

"That's right," he called back, "two pints."

                             ***

Dawson and his wife, Jennifer, had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

Dawson did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

                             ***

I was sitting on the sofa with my teenage son, discussing his day at school. "Mom," he said, "there's going to be a dance at the school this Friday and it's going to be formal.  Could I get a new pair of sneakers?"

                            ***

The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.

She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, "Does this look natural?"

                            ***

One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"

"We're not allowed to give our names," I replied, "but my operator number is 4136"

Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"

                             ***

At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead...

As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"

                             ***

A smile is a curve that can sets things straight.

                             ***

"Well, Ted, you're certainly coming up in the world. What's the idea of playing golf with not one, but two caddies!"

"Oh, it was my wife's idea."

"Your wife?"

"Yeah," answers Ted, "She thought I should spend more time with the kids."

                             ***

"Here's some good news – a woman in Milwaukee gave birth to a 13 pound 12 ounce baby girl last week. Thirteen pound 12 ounces. Doctors say the baby will be walking before the mother." --Jay Leno

                             ***

A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.

One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord.  The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.

                              ***

My town takes jury selection very seriously. So much so that when it sends questionnaires to perspective jurors, every question is expected to be answered in full--plain and simple, no ifs, ands or buts.

This was evidenced by the juror's questionnaire I was sent.

It asked, Do you speak, read and understand English? If no, explain."

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

                              ***

"If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn off the sound."

  --Red Green

                              ***

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up

   menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me exactly what you have

   done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote

   'click.'"

                              ***

"Only the church stood squarely across the path of Hitler's campaign for suppressing the truth. I never had any special interest in the church before, but now I feel a great affection and admiration for it because the church alone has had the courage and persistence to stand for intellectual and moral freedom. I am forced to confess that what I once despised I now praise unreservedly."

                                    Albert Einstein

                                ***

When our grandchildren were visiting late last summer, they went out to catch lightning bugs one night. As 3-year-old Carl put one in a jar, he looked up at me and asked, "Grandma, what size batteries do these bugs take?"

                                  ***

A young woman was home from college for the holidays, and her parents were having a party in her honor. During the evening, she brought out some of her new dresses to show her friends. Picking up a beautiful silk creation, she held it up before her admiring friends.

"Isn't this perfectly gorgeous!" she exclaimed. "Just think, it came from a poor little insignificant worm!"

Her hard-working father looked a moment, then he turned and said: "Yes, and I'm that worm!"

                                  ***

Independence Day Jokes

What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the Declaration of Independence with a rooster?

John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?

Beneduck Arnold!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?

Yankee Poodle!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?

Yeah, it cracked me up!

Why did the British cross the Atlantic?

To get to the other tide!

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?

The Boston Flea Party!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?

Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

                                  ***

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left.

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."

The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."

                                   ***

The fly that buzzes the loudest usually gets swatted first.

                                   ***

Dear Abby letters best left unanswered...

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

                                   ***

An elderly couple toddled into the local McDonalds and ordered one combo meal. The wife carefully cut the sandwich in two and began to eat her half. The husband respectfully sat and watched.

The eating did not progress quickly, and soon the other customers began to notice. Finally one helpful person offered to buy the couple another meal. The offer was rejected with the explanation, "We share everything."

Eventually another could stand it no longer and made the same offer. Same rejection: "No thank you, we share everything."

After this had gone on for what seemed to be quite a while, one bystander could no longer stand it and quizzed the man, "Then why aren't you eating? What are you waiting for?"

The reply: "The teeth."

                              ***

"Harley Davidson motorcycles announced they are coming out with a line of Harley pillowcases, shower curtains, soap dishes and bath rugs. Which of course means, time to sell the Harley." --Jay Leno

                             ***

Just Think About It:

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our lives we could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?

AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

                               ***

I came out of a convenience store the other day and some seedy looking guy walks up to me and holds up a little

sign: "DEAF & DUMB... Can you spare $10?"

Wow! What happened to a dollar or 2? So I reached into my pocket for my wallet, opened it, took out a folded piece of paper and handed it to him.

It said: "I CAN'T READ" and I walked away.

                                ***

A hypocrite never intends to be what he pretends to be.

***

"Honesty must be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy." -George Carlin

                                  ***

"Evander Holyfield was shocked to hear that Mike Tyson was retiring from boxing. He said, 'Tyson quitting? I can't believe my ear!'" --Jay Leno

                                  ***

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, and gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me those first two pennies?"

                             ***

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Mommy!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Were you sick?" her mom asked.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"

                             ***

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I think it's a wonderful gesture."

"We hadn't started eating yet."

                              ***

"Whatever's begun in anger ends in shame."  -- Ben Franklin

                              ***

Do you know the three times that most people are in church?

When they are hatched, matched, or dispatched.

                              ***

Survivor... Ohio  style:

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows,  OSU Networks is planning to do it's own show entitled:  "Survivor... Ohio Style".

The contestants will start in  Columbus, travel west to Dayton, Eaton and up to  Toledo. From there they will head over to Cleveland, down to Youngstown, up through Akron and then on to  Marietta. They will then proceed to  Zanesville, down to  Chillicothe, then south to Jackson  and Portsmouth, west through Wilmington, Cincinnati, and then back up to Columbus.

Each will be  driving a pink Volvo with a Michigan license plate  and large bumper stickers that read "I'm a  Vegetarian", "NASCAR stinks,"

"Go Blue", "Deer Hunting is  Murder", and "A Buckeye is just a useless nut."

The first one who makes it back to Columbus alive wins!

                                   ***

"The movie "Cinderella Man" made $18.6 million at the box office this past weekend. Or as Russell Crowe calls it, 'bail money'." --Jay Leno

                                   ***

I came home one night and my wife was crying.

I said, "What’s wrong?"

She said, "I'm home sick."

I said, "This is your home."

She replied, "Yes, and I'm sick of it!"

                                   ***

During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.

He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.

When the service was over, he went to greet people at the front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.

                                    ***

Parenting:

Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

I love to give homemade gifts...which one of my kids do you want?

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.

Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.

                                   ***

"A hero is no braver than anyone else; he is only brave five minutes longer."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

                                   *** 

A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, "If you pretend you're asleep, he stops."                

                                   ***

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

--Oscar Wilde

                                   ***

"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have facelifts until my ears meet." --Rita Rudner

                                   ***

Standing on the sidelines during a football game at my son's high school, I saw one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn't move. We grabbed our firstaid gear and rushed out onto the field.

The coach picked up the young man's hand and urged, "Son, can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."

[Thanks to Reader's Digest.]

                                   ***

Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding. My fiance, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."

                                  ***

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was no God. He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240-pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said. The football player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, hit the professor full force, sending him flying off the platform.

The professor got up, obviously shaken, and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"

The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"

                                   ***

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.

Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

                                    ***

"It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same." --Sir Philip Gibbs

                                    ***

Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews."

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter.  "All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews."

                                  ***

My husband and eight-year-old son, Colin, both love to eat dried apricots.  One day my husband was munching them straight out of the bag when Colin came up and thrust his hand in to grab a handful.  My husband tightened his grip around the bag, trapping Colin's wrist, and playfully demanded, "What do you think you're doing?"

Colin asked if he could have some apricots and my husband said, "If you think you can get your hand out you can."

Colin struggled for only a few seconds, then stopped and calmly said, "I'm thinking I can get my hand out."

                                  ***

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including: incandescent, fluorescent three way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

                                   ***

A bad habit is like a soft overstuffed chair; easy to get into but hard to get out of.

***

An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses.

"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."

"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.

"Nuns with scissors."

                                  ***

Little Johnny came home from church and told his mother that if he missed three Sundays in a row, the Sunday school teacher would throw him into the furnace. The horrified mother phoned the teacher at once.

"What I said," the calm teacher explained, "was that if any child missed three Sundays in a row, he would be dropped from the register."

                                  ***

I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.

"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."

Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"

She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"

She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"

                                  ***

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.  Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad; It's the best I could do at this time."

                                  ***

The Alberta (Canada) Department of the Environment is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the area.  People are advised to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells on their clothing,  to alert but not startle a bear unexpectedly.  They also recommend carrying pepper spray, in case of an encounter with a bear.

It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity, and to know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller, and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.  Whereas grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and frequently smell like pepper spray.

                                  ***

"There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, in the end, "Thy will be done."

                   ---C.S. Lewis, "The Great Divorce"

                                  ***

A young couple had their first baby. When it was one year old, it hadn't said a word; one and a half years, still not a word. The parents took the baby to a pediatrician, who said, "Everything's perfectly normal. Just be patient."

And so it went until the child's 25th month. They were all having breakfast and the child turned to his mother and said, "This oatmeal is too lumpy!"

The parents were amazed, and asked, "Why haven't you talked before?"

The child replied, "Well, up until now, there's been nothing to complain about."

                                  ***

"Never eat any place where they mark the restroom doors in any way but "Men" and "Women" or "Ladies" and "Gentlemen."

Especially don't eat in a restaurant that specializes in seafood and marks its restroom doors "Buoys" and "Gulls,"

because they have been too busy thinking up cutesy names for the restroom doors to really pay attention to the food."

  --Louis Grizzard

                                   ***

"Do you know what today is?" asked the wife of her husband who was hurrying off to work.

Hesitating only a moment and flashing a smile he replied, "Sure, I remember."

He didn't propose being caught again . . .forgetting the date of his wedding anniversary. . .so that night he returned home with some candy, flowers and a gift.

His wife was overjoyed! "You see," he said smugly, "I did remember what day this is."

She laughed and giggled: "Honey, this is the happiest Groundhog Day of my life."

                                   ***

"According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." --Jay Leno

                                   ***

My wife and I were playing Trivia for Dummies when she amazed me by answering correctly that there are seven rays on the crown of the Statue of Liberty.

"How in the world did you know that?" I asked.

Rolling her eyes, she answered, "Duuuhh...the seven original colonies!"

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

                                  ***

"NASA just released their new report on global warming or, as President Bush, calls it--Spring." --Jay Leno

                                  ***

Life:

"It's not about you.  The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your peace of mind, or even your happiness.  It's far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions.

If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God.  You were born by his purpose and for his purpose.  The search for the purpose of life has puzzled people for thousands of years.  That's because we typically begin at the wrong starting point -- ourselves."

                -- Rick Warren (The Purpose-Driven Life)

***

After a particularly inspiring worship service, a church member greeted the pastor.  "Pastor, that was a wonderful sermon.  You should have it published."

The pastor replied, "Actually, I'm planning to have all my sermons published posthumously."

"Great!" enthused the church member. "The sooner the better!"

                                    ***

One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Doc, exactly what is my problem?"

The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."

                                     ***

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." —-Jeff Stilson

                                      ***

"This is interesting. Prince Charles has postponed his wedding to Camila Parker-Bowles, because it was scheduled for the same day as the pope's funeral. When asked about it, Charles said, 'I don't want this enormous, tragic event to compete with the pope's funeral.'" --Conan O'Brien

                                  ***

Cassie walked into a gift shop that sold religious items.

Near the cash register she saw a display of caps with WWJD printed on all of them. She asked the clerk what the letters were supposed to mean.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for What Would Jesus Do, and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.

Cassie thought a moment, and as she laid the cap back on the shelf, replied, "Well, I don't think Jesus would pay $17.95 for one of these caps."

                                  ***

A gossip is one who talks to you about other people.

A bore is one who talks to you about himself.

A brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.

                                  ***

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

                                  ***

A guy accidentally puts his car into reverse and backs into a guard rail. So he asks his blonde girlfriend to jump out and tell him if the blinkers are still working.

The blonde walks around to the back of the car and says...

"Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."

                                    ***

The Postal Service honored legendary Secretariat with his own stamp. That shows you how strange life is for racehorses. You win the race, you wind up on the front of a stamp. Lose a race, you wind up on the back.

                                    ***

"Well done" beats "well said" every time.

                                    *** 

Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.

"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?"

I asked.

"Still employed," he answered.

[Thanks to Readers Digest.]

                                  ***

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"

                                  ***

Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts.

The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several single beds, so we get to know one another's habits, like who snores or talks in his sleep. While I was having my teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some of my teeth were chipped.

"It looks like you clench your jaw at night," he said.

"No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one has ever said I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!"

                                 ***

Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

                                 ***

I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.

I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.

At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.

                                ***

One-One was a racehorse, Two-Two was one too.

When One-One won one race, Two-Two won one too!

                                ***

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard.  With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

                                ***

Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.

"Great Idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."

                                ***

A man, when tried for stealing a pair of boots, said he merely took the boots as a joke. It was found that he was captured with them forty yards from the place he had taken them. The judge said he had carried the joke too far.

                                ***

   "Friendship consists in forgetting what one gives, and remembering what one receives."

- - Alexander Dumas

                                ***

I was recently talking with a friend who bemoaned her family's lack of holiday rituals. "My family doesn't have any traditions," she complained. "We just do the same thing year after year after year."

                 [from Reader's Digest]

                                 ***

When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan

(1860-1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD."

Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul:

"So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better."

(1 Corinthians 7:38)

Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: "Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage."

                                  ***

A man submitting information to his income tax preparer was asked how many dependents he had. "Sixteen," he replied.

The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"

The man replied, "Not if I can help it."

                                  ***

It's the time of the Old West.

A citizen of the town comes running into the saloon and screams, "Big John is coming! Big John is coming! We gotta get outta town."

Everyone gets up in a hurry and takes off as fast as they can, including the saloonkeeper, who when hopping over the bar trips and knocks himself unconscious.

When he comes to, he makes his way outside to see the biggest, meanest man he's ever seen riding down the center of the town stradling two buffaloes, whipping them with a rattlesnake screaming, "Giddyup! Let's go, come on."

He makes his way over to the saloonkeeper, dismounts, and enters the saloon, all 9 foot, 3 inches of him.

Breaking both doors off the hinges while entering, he walks up to the bar, slams his fist down, breaking the bar in half and hollers, "Gimme some whiskey in a gallon jug."

After the saloonkeeper hands him the jug, he watches as the man drinks it in three seconds flat.

When he's done with his drink, the man turns around to walk out the door.

The saloonkeeper couldn't believe his eyes and wanted to see him do it again. He asks him, "Don't you want another whiskey?"

The man turns around and says, "Heck no,I gotta get outta town . . Big John is comin!"

                                 ***

A group of managers is trying to calculate the height of a flag pole. They try to measure its height by lining up their thumbs and then turning the thumb 90 degrees and marking a spot on the ground. Then they try to use its shadow and trig functions, but no luck.

A engineer comes by and watches for a few minutes. He asks one of the managers what they're doing.

"We're trying to calculate the height of this flag pole."

The engineer watches a few minutes more and then, without saying a word, he walks over, pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, measures it, writes the measurement on a piece of paper, gives it to one of the managers and walks away.

The manager looks at the paper, snickers and says to the other managers: "Isn't that just like an engineer?! We're trying to calculate the height and he gives us the length."

                                ***

A weekend without worship is a weak end.

                                ***

"I'm having some trouble with Mom. I need to keep an eye on her all the time. Here's what is going on. She stays up late watching the infomercials and now she's raising alpacas in the backyard." --Dave Letterman

                                   ***

"The NHL hockey season has been canceled. Fans are disappointed, but the action is expected to save over 3,000 teeth."

  --Jay Leno

                                   ***

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a dog?

A: A cocka-poodle-doo!

Q. Why can't you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a Chinese restaurant?

A. Because of the Peking Duck.

                                    ***

"This week the U.S. Navy launched a nuclear submarine named after Jimmy Carter. Experts say the sub will be ineffective for four years but tremendously respected once it's retired."

  --Conan O'Brien

                                   ***

"Have you been following this steroid scandal? This is the first time in baseball history that the players have more additives than the hot dogs." --Jay Leno

                                   ***

At the start of every Mass, the priest would make the sign of the cross, followed as usual by the entrance song and the blessing, after which the congregation responded, "And also with you."

One Sunday, after making the sign of the cross, our priest appeared to be having difficulty with the sound system during the singing of the entrance hymn. At the conclusion of the song, the priest said, "There seems to be something wrong with the mike."

The congregation automatically responded, "And also with you."

                                 ***

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor said, "Physics saves lives, because it keeps certain people out of medical school."

                                ***

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

                               ***

"Condoleezza Rice made her last stop in her foreign trip, she was in Beijing. ... They went nuts for her. From their reaction you would think people in China had never seen Rice before." --Jay Leno

                                ***

There was a man who was stranded on a desert island for many, many years. One day, while strolling along the beach, he spotted a ship in the distance. This had never happened in all the time he was on the island, so he was very excited about the chance of being rescued.

Immediately, he built a fire on the beach and generated as much smoke as possible. It worked! Soon, the ship was heading his way. When the ship was close enough to the island, a dinghy was dispatched to investigate the situation. The man on the island was overjoyed with the chance to be rescued and met his saviors as they landed.

After some preliminary conversation the man in charge asked the man on the island how he had survived for so many years.

The man replied by telling of his exploits for food and how he was able to make a fine house to live in. In fact, the man said, "You can see my home from here. It's up there on the ridge."

He pointed the men in the direction of his home.  They looked up and saw three buildings. They inquired about the building next to the man's house and he replied, "That's my church - I go there to worship on Sundays."

When asked about the third building, the man replied, "That's where I used to go to church."

                                 ***

The dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler were recovered off the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. They claimed that a cow, falling out of the clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.

They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield. They forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily departed for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

                                 ***

It was a full auditorium. Halfway through the author's talk, she began to feel sick. In a calm voice, she announced that she had left a few pages of her speech offstage, in her bag.

She walked off slowly and, as soon as she was out of sight, ran to the bathroom where she immediately threw up.

She was just about finished when someone came into the bath-room to tell her that her lapel mike was still on.

                                 ***

A Bedouin wandering in the Sahara happened upon an American dressed in a bathing suit, flip-flops, a big, over-sized t-shirt and sunglasses.

The Bedouin gazed at him in amazement, "What are you doing all the way out here dressed like that!?"

"I'm going swimming," the tourist explained.

"But the ocean is eight hundred miles away," the Arab informed him.

"Eight hundred miles!" the American exclaimed with a whistle of appreciation. "Boy, what a beach!"

                                 ***

"One of these days" is none of these days.

                                 ***

As he fiddled with his high school class ring, the one he got after graduating in 2000, my son Aaron asked,

"Mom, I've been wondering. What were you and dad thinking when you gave me the initials ACH?"

"Nothing," I answered back. "Why?"

He showed me the inscription in his ring. It read: "ACH 00"

                                  ***

Think About It!

* Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it does enable you to look for it in more places.

* Your conscience may not always keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

* Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

* Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.

* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

* When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

* The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.

* Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

* A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

* The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

* Money isn't everything....there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

                                   ***

Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies.

One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better. He said "If this church is to become better, it must take up it's bed, and walk." The congregation said "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside it's hindrances and run!" The congregation replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!"

Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up it's wings and fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!"

the congregation shouts.

The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"

The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

                                   ***

The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.

"And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn't you feel any qualms? Didn't you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?"

"Yes," she answered. "Come to think of it...there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him."

"And when was that?"

"When he asked for the second cup."

                                  ***

A wise man knows everything; a shrewd one, everybody.

                                  ***

"How's your wife?" the man asked an old friend he hadn't seen for years.

"She's in heaven," replied the friend.

"Oh, I'm sorry."

Then he realized that was not the thing to say, so he added, "I mean, I'm glad."

And that was even worse. He finally came out with, "Well, I'm surprised."

                                    ***

      10 Things You Never Hear in Church:

1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

                                    ***

Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague.

We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.

One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"

                                   ***

The wife is complaining to her husband, "You seem to know every single football statistic, but you can't seem to remember our wedding anniversary or the year that we got married."

He replies, "I can too. It was the same year that the Packers traded Williams for a first found draft choice."

                                  ***

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news:

"We had twins!"

The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?"

The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each other."

                                    ***

"I have no respect for gangs today. None. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other."

  --Robert G. Lee

                                     ***

The only time the average child is as good as gold is on April 15th.

                               ***

It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased with the card. It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."

                              ***

Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.

Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.

"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?" he asked.

"Actually," the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."

                               ***

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.

"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes

- any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two gotchas.'"

"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.

"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I missed the ball completely."

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?"

The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"

                             ***

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is backing legislation to ban junk food in schools. It's part of Arnold's new school program

-- No Child Left With a Big Behind." --Jay Leno

                             ***

"The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind.

Close it and you're right back at the beginning."

  --Jerry Seinfeld

                             ***

Q.  What's the difference between a King's son, a monkey's mother, a bald head, and an orphan?

A.  One's an heir apparent, the next is a hairy parent, the next has no hair apparent, and the last has nary a parent.

                              ***

A man falls in love with his eyes; a woman...with her ears.

     - - - Dr. Phil McGraw

                               ***

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld

                               ***

A group of senior citizens were chatting over coffee and commiserating. One fellow stated, "My eyesight is poor."

Another stated, "Yep, and my hearing is going."

A third exclaimed, "Yeah, and I can hardly walk anymore. I just thank God that we can all still drive."

                               ***

Military Wisdom:

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."

-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy."

-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."

-U.S. Marine Corps

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

-Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."

-U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."

-Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."

-U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."

-Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."

-U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."

-David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."

Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."

-Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."

-Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."

-Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."

-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

                             ***

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore." --Mark Twain

                             ***

I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"

He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal."

"In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs."

"Exactly."

[Contributed to Reader's Digest.]

                             ***

A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On

the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.

The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself. A moment

later he returned with a confused look on his face. "Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?"

                             ***

A friend is someone who will never stand in your way .... unless you're on the way down.

                              ***

A boy who loved to go fishing with his dad was reciting the 23rd psalm

in Sunday School.  When he got to the fourth verse, he said: "Thy rod

and Thy reel, they comfort me."

                                 ***

Dad called upstairs to his daughter when her boyfriend came to pick her

up, "Dreamboat...your barnacle is here!"

                                 ***

Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you

ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the back?

                                 ***

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage

at the zoo.

The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and the

youngster was taking it all in with a serious expression.

Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate

you up..."

"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.

"What bus should I take home?"

                                  ***

It was a small town and the Catholic Priest, the Protestant Minister

and the Jewish Rabbi were very good friends. Of course, there was a lot

of kidding and joking between them all year long.

To their surprise one year, the Priest and the Minister received a

Christmas card from the Rabbi. It read:

Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish

When the Messiah really comes, You'll wish you were Jewish.

                                   ***

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me,

complaining of severe abdominal pains.

We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to

determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we new

what was wrong.

When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our

suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the

funeral home now?"

With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's

not that sick!"

                                 ***

"God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the

courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know...

it's ME."   --- John G. Miller

                                 ***

When their first grandchild was born, Nancy asked her husband Earl,

"Well, how does it feel to be a grandfather?"

Earl replied, "Oh, it feels wonderful, of course, but what feels strange

is that I'll have to get used to the idea of sleeping next to a grandmother!"

                                ***

"The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends.

If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've got my life." --Jerry Seinfeld

                                ***

A blond approaches the edge of a river. On the other side she sees another blonde.

The first blond yells, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?"

The second blond yells back... "What are you talking about?

You ARE on the other side."

                                ***

Professor in lab: "Researchers have announced that exercise kills germs."

New Student: "Sure, sure. But how do you get germs to exercise?"

                               ***

"Did you hear this? Martha Stewart lost 20 pounds in prison.

She's become a lean, mean, sewing machine." --Jay Leno

                               ***

"There was a big scandal last year with the dog show. A Yorkshire Terrier won the show but then it turned out it was just a blow dried rat." --Dave Letterman

                               ***

More Proverbs Rewritten by Children:

-When in Rome ... use Roman numerals.

-A fool and his money are ... my best friends.

-A penny saved is ... one cent.

-Look before you ... run into a pole.

-A watched pot never... disappears.

                        ***

A wise wife knows when to overlook .... and when to oversee.

                             ***

"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell." --Joan Crawford

                             ***

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." --Unknown

                             ***

Grandma was saying good-night to Little Johnny when he remarked, "Mommy and Daddy have some very important visitors downstairs."

Grandma replied, "Yes they do, but what makes you think they are important?"

"Just listen," Little Johnny replied. "Mommy is laughing at all Daddy's jokes!"

                               ***

A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started."

Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and then try your hand at less ambitious pieces."

The young man looked astonished. "But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I."

"Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so without asking advice."

                              ***

Proverbs Rewritten by Children:

-If you can't stand the heat get out of the ... oven.

-A bird in the hand is ... messy.

-Don't count your chickens ... eat them.

-You can't teach an old dog new ... math.

-Every cloud has a ... wet spot.

                             ***

There are basically two kinds of people; those who wake up every morning and say, "Good morning, Lord!", and those who wake up every morning and moan "Good Lord, it's morning!"

                            ***

Weird Facts:

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the

head on a Pez dispenser.

The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected

because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP"

indicated the direction of the bubbles.

No standard 8 1/2 x 11 piece of paper can be folded in half

more than 7 times.

One in every four Americans has appeared on television.

A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers'

first flight.

The albatross drinks sea water. It has a special

desalinization apparatus that strains out and excretes all

excess salt.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

When opossums are playing "possum," they are not "playing."

They actually pass out from sheer terror.

                             ***

Paris Hilton is to host "Saturday Night Live" this week.

When asked about hosting the show she said, "What day do

they tape that show? --Craig Ferguson

                              ***

When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke. If anyone

asked what he did for a living, I always said, "He's a

sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races."

Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and

summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it

was a joke.

"So what do you do?" she asked.

Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said, "I sell

drugs."

                             ***

Unlikely book titles and authors:

- "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace

- "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff

- "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow

- "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep

- "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty

- "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel

- "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent

- "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate

- "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down

- "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago

- "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud

- "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter

- "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath

- "Raising Mosquitos" by I. Itch

- "Mountain Climbing" by Hugo First

                             ***

Little Johnny returned from his first day of kindergarten.

"You didn't cry, did you?" his mother asked hopefully.

"Oh no, I didn't," Little Johnny replied, "but the teacher

sure did!"

                              ***

A joy that's shared is a joy made double.

                        ***

A bus load of politicians was traveling down a country road

when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed

into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after

seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then

proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the

crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians

had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The

sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they

weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

                         ***

"The big corporations are suddenly taking notice of the

web, and their reactions have been slow. Even the computer

industry failed to see the importance of the Internet,

but that's not saying much. Let's face it, the computer

industry failed to see that the century would end."

  --Douglas Adams

                         ***

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at

the local corner market. The owner didn't know what

Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease

him.

They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a

load or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it,

sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a

nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and Johnny would

always take the nickel (they said) because it was bigger.

One day after Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner

took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun

of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more

than the nickel.  Are you grabbing the nickel because it's

bigger, or what?"

With a big grin on his face, Johnny slowly turned toward

the store owner. "Well," he answered, "If I took the dime,

they'd stop doing it, and so far I've saved $20!"

                         ***

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly,

jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss

in front of him--his height. Or, should I say, his lack of

it.

One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily,

"Someone just picked my pocket!"

Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except

for one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

[Reader's Digest.]

                         ***

A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong

number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of

Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.

Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a

wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as

I want to get."

                         ***

The problem with following the straight and narrow path is that you

so seldom meet anyone that you know.

                         ***

Little Johnny returned home from Sunday school. His mother

asked him if he remembered his Bible lesson for the day.

Little Johnny replied, "I sure do! I can even remember the

Zip Code - Luke 19:40."

                          ***

A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love.

Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being

destroyed financially by this person?"

                          ***

Teacher to Pupil: Who were the Pharisees?

Pupil: They were horses.

Teacher: Why do you think they were horses?

Pupil: Because in the Bible, Jesus said, "Whoa" to the Pharisees.

                          ***

My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in

Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face

at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, "Excuse

me. Aren't you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House

press secretary?"

"Yes, I am," he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his

lunch to talk to us.

As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess,

"Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?"

"I'm not sure about that," she replied, "but we have Perrier

and Evian at the bar."

[Thanks to Reader's Digest]

                           ***

"Condoleeza Rice was Methodist, but became Presbyterian.

You know what that means?  She's converted Rice."

  --Jay Leno

                           ***

Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You...

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.

9. She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks,

  but you don't recall proposing to her.

8. She just started a college course that meets seven

  nights a week.

7. She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry

  Springer.

6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather

  than perfume.

5. Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like

  you to meet an old friend of mine..."

4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies her-

  self by both her first and last names.

3. Your other girlfriend told you so.

2. The dartboard is behind your photo on her wall.

1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say,

  "You haven't got a clue, do you?"

                         ***

During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my

married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her

side. After class, before she left, I asked her, "Are you

okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your side."

"Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was

pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."

"Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved.

"Yeah," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps

during your class."

                         ***

The difference between being blessed and being lucky is ...

luck can run out.

                         ***

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City

and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him

immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer

here, gerry! Where do you think you are?"

The German fellow felt embarrassed for a moment, however

he turned to the New Yorker and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really," he said with a heavy accent, "I just

realized you actually came here for the food!"

                            ***

"Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 10-year old

son.

"Bob," he said.

"And what's your cat's name?"

"Bob."

"Well, how do you keep them straight?" I asked.

"Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy

answered.

"Go ahead and tell him your rabbit's name," his father

suggested.

The kid smiled and said... "Dennis Hopper."

                          ***

Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my

brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The

problem was we weren't sure what to get, because it was an

odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting

my mother one day when I called home.

"Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.

"I don't have a tape measure."

"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six

inches long."

"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I

only have a ten."

[Reader's Digest.]

                         ***

A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-

ounce water pump. "A what?" says the confused parts guy.

"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"

"A Datsun."

As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump"

the light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got

28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water

pumps too."

"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called

that knew what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am.

That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's

our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water

pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up,

Datsun 280Z water pump, part number...

                           ***

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his

life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big

city.

In one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in

it.  Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that!

Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the "picture," but on the way home he remembered

his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in

the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields,

he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the

barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and

found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the

ugly WITCH he's runnin' around with!"

                          ***

"I was walking through the park last night and had a very

bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me.

I know...I should have heard them hiding." --Emo Philips

                          ***

The impossible is often the untried.

                          ***

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning. The wife says, "You

should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't

have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around

here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I

can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in

the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she

fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed

him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says

"Hebrews" (He Brews).

                        ***

On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland,

she couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the

car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a

speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the

last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in

front of her.

When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily,

"Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."

                       ***

While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail

store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing

along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked

merchandise.

One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my

concern to him about our safety, being two women working

alone at night.

"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you

see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan

knows karaoke."

                       ***

An asset is not a little donkey.

                       ***

After the family sang some carols, Little Johnny commented,

"Wasn't it good of the shepherds to put on clean clothes when

they went to see baby Jesus?"

His mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny explained, "Well, the song says, 'While

Shepherds Washed Their Socks by Night.'"

                       ***

I was in a bank when a man entered with a rather large dog

on a leash. When he asked if it was okay to bring his pet

into the building, a bank official answered, "Yes, provided

he doesn't make a deposit."

                       ***

I heard my wife mention one morning while getting ready for

Church, "I sure need some new stockings."

When she went into the bakery on the way home that afternoon,

I spied a clothing store next door.  So, I thought I would

surprise her and went in to buy her some new stockings...

"Can I help you," the saleslady asked.

"Yes, I would like to get some stockings for me wife please."

"Sheer?" she asked.

"No, she's not here," I replied. "She's next door at the

bakery."

                       ***

Words can't break bones, but they can break hearts.

                       ***

NORA CHARLES (Myrna Loy): "They say you were shot in the

  tabloids."

NICK CHARLES (William Powell): "They never got near my

  tabloids." --THE THIN MAN, 1934

[Hey, this was racy stuff for 1934.]

                        ***

OTIS B. DRIFTWOOD (Groucho Marx): "It's alright, that's in

  every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause."

FIORELLO (Chico Marx): "You can't fool me! There ain't no

  Sanity Claus." --A NIGHT AT THE OPERA, 1935

                        ***

Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station

mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When

I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew

was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.

"How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who

was standing behind the store counter.

She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two

weeks."

                         ***

Aunt Frieda asked her five-year-old daughter Heather, "Why

can't you behave like Tracy next door?"

"Because she's a doctor's kid," Heather protested.

"What's that got to do with it?" her mother demanded.

"The doctor always keeps the best babies for himself!"

Heather replied.

                           ***

"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking,

and then I thought, what good would that do?"

                           ***

A man was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the

grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy

to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in

the air conditioned house all day while she did all the

work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're aking me

about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside

and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak,

with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing

up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is

mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

                           ***

A young man was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a

street corner downtown, when she said, "Excuse me, but if it's

not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?"

Our good samaritan replied, "Just a minute." He walked across

the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you fine!"

                           ***

"We are all interested in the future, for that is where you

and I are going to spend the rest of our lives."

          --Plan 9 From Outer Space

[Ain't it the truth.]

                           ***

"In Florida a 96-year-old woman is running for mayor. When

asked if she knew who she was running against, she said,

"Time." --Conan O'Brien

                                  ***

Ten-year-old Keith came into the house covered with mud

after finishing a rough day at play. "Mom," he shouted,

"if I fell out of a tree, would you rather I broke a leg

or tore my pants?"

"What a silly question," his mother answered from the

next room. "I'd rather you tore your pants!"

"Well, I got good news for you then," the boy replied

triumphantly. "That's exactly what happened!"

                                 ***

Gladys Dunn was new in town and decided to visit the church

nearest to her new apartment.  She appreciated the pretty

sanctuary and the music by the choir.  But the sermon went

on and on.  Worse, it wasn't at all interesting.

Glancing around, she saw many in the congregation nodding

off.  Finally it was over.

After the service, she turned to a still sleepy-looking

gentleman next to her, extended her hand and said, "I'm

Gladys Dunn."

He replied, "You and me both!"

                                   ***

"Oh, joy, Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions

of Americans, knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper, will

utter those heartfelt words, 'Is this all I got?'"

  --Kelsey Grammer on FRASIER

                                   ***

"Here's a holiday shopping tip. Here's what I do and it

works pretty good. When you're buying your Christmas tree,

be sure to bring along a pair of scissors, so when you

find the perfect tree, you can just cut that little tag

off that says "sold". --Jay Leno

                                   ***

Searching through row upon row of Christmas trees, my

husband Norm and I picked one we liked. Then I noticed the

one being held by a woman nearby "the" perfect tree. I

watched as she carried it around the lot and couldn't

believe my eyes when she set it aside.

I ditched ours and ran over to grab the coveted tree.

"Aren't we lucky?" I said to Norm. "I do feel a little

guilty, though, for taking it before she could change her

mind."

"Don't worry," he replied. "She just ran over and snatched

ours."

                                     ***

My grandpa told me to remember two things in life. Look out

for Number One, and remember your number. --Orville Cogswell

                                     ***

My mother was away all weekend at a business conference.

During a break, she decided to call home collect.

My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a

stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will

you accept the charges?"

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside

screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"

                                      ***

The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease.  Sometimes it

gets replaced.

                              ***

"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you

should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid

with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is

absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."

  --P. J. O'Rourke

                               ***

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one

of the three most stressful situations in an on-going

relationship?  (The other two danger zones are teaching

your mate to drive and wallpapering. Don't EVEN think of

going there!)  So I now present for you....

*Things NOT To Say When Hanging The Christmas Lights*

--"You've got two red lights right next to each other.

You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow,

red, red, green, blue..."

--"Up a little higher.  You can reach it.  Go on, try."

--"What on earth do you do to these lights when you put

them away every year?  Tie them in knots?"

--"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all.

Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles.  You're

worse than your father."

--"Give me that!!"

--"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The

electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom,

not up at the top."

--"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm

done!"

--"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we

agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

--"Have you been drinking?!!?"

--"Okaaay! Looks like we're finally done here now. Not

too shabby huh? Hey....wait a minute, where's the cat?"

                                 ***

"Remember...a developer is someone who wants to build a house

in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already owns

a house in the woods." --Dennis Miller

                                 ***

"In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the

class clown. The difference is, the class clown is the guy

who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian

is the guy who talked him into it." --Billy Crystal

                                 ***

A dog followed his master to school. His owner was a fourth

grader at a public elementary school. However, when the bell

rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the

way to the child's classroom before a  teacher noticed and

shoo'ed him outside, closing the door behind him.  The dog

sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors.

Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said,

"Don't feel bad fella'...they won't let ME in either."

                                 ***

"Grandma, know what you and God have in common?" asked Little

Johnny. Mentally polishing her halo and looking as saintly as

possible, Grandma waited for the expected compliment. "You're

both old!" Little Johnny replied.

                                  ***

He that goes a borrowing goes a sorrowing. - - - Ben Franklin (good advice at this time of year!)

                                  ***

On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater

waiting to see the latest hit movie.  As the screen lit up

with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, we

noticed the sound was missing.  The unexpected silence

continued for several moments.

Then, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd

demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"

                             ***

They raised the price of tickets to Disney World to $59.75.

They've also put up a new sign that says 'Your wallet must

be this big to get in.'" --Jay Leno

                             ***

I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in

Washington State. For years, customers complained about

our postcard-sized bills -- which they said looked too much

like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized

bills in envelopes.

The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the

cards, announcing the change.

Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist,

"Is this some kind of joke?"  When the customer threw his

bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was,

"Coming soon!  New Larger Bills!"

                             ***

Ten Marriage Quips

Quip 1: Marriages are made in heaven, but so again are

thunder and lightning.

Quip 2: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict

attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Quip 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100

grand!

Quip 4: Married life is very frustrating.  In the first

year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors

listen.

Quip 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,

you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the

wife is.

Quip 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;

the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Quip 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night

thinking about something you said.  After marriage, he

will fall asleep before you finish.

Quip 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,

understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law

allows only one wife.

Quip 9: Every woman wants a man who is handsome,

understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but

again, the law allows only one husband.

Quip 10: Man is incomplete until he marries. After that,

he is finished.

                             ***

Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might

try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I

needed was blinker fluid."

                            ***

"A friend is one before whom I may think aloud." . . . Ralph Waldo Emerson

                          ***

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much

like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign

which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his

right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign,

reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put

the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read...

MAIN ENTRANCE.

                          ***

A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved

auctions; whle his hobby was golf.

The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled,

'Fore!'

His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat,

yelled back, 'Four Fifty!'

                          ***

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So

I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there

that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained

professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,

"has your plane arrived yet?"

                          ***

"Your hair needs cutting badly," remarked the barber.

It does not," exclaimed the customer, sitting down in the

chair. "It needs cutting nicely. You cut it badly last time."

                          ***

"New York City salespeople can be sort of snooty during the

holidays. I went into F.A.O. Schwartz and asked a salesman

for something that would appeal to a one year old and he

said, 'How about your show?'" --Dave Letterman

                          ***

Patience is a virtue that carries a lot of wait.

                           ***

"The only time you can't afford failure is the last time you

try." --Charles Kettering

                           ***

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and

three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb

for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After

several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you

know?"

"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and

such clean language!"

                            ***

The teen-ager lost a contact lens while playing basketball

in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother

the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside

and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teen-ager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You

were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking

for $150."

                            ***

Driving along an outback road in Australia, I spied an exotic

bird flying overhead. The creature was black, with a huge and

striking red-and-gold beak. "Hey, look! A toucan!" I yelled.

"Toucan nothin'," said the Aussie passenger. "It's a crow

with its beak stuck in a McDonald's fries carton.

                             ***

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists'

canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two

widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

                             ***

A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the

lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then

forbids her to see the crab anymore.

"It'll never work, honey." he says to her. "Crabs walk side-

ways and we walk straight."

"Please," she begs her father. "Just meet him once. I know

you'll like him."

Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting,

and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.

The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved's

family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk

straight!

On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's

house as straight as he can.

Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards

him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter.....

"I knew it! Here comes that crab and he's drunk!"

                         ***

Salvation is not turning over a new leaf, but receiving a new life.

                          ***

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of your

pumpkin by it's diameter?

A: Pumpkin Pi

                          ***

Q: Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?

A: Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

                          ***

Ben: One of our pigs was sick so I gave him some sugar.

Dan: Sugar! What for?

Ben: Haven't you ever heard of sugar-cured ham?

                          ***

"According to a new holiday survey by the people at match.com,

Portland, Oregon, is the number one city in America where men

and women prefer to date someone who is chubby and overweight.

In fact, their idea of a romantic night: dinner, a movie, more

dinner, and then a snack." --Jay Leno

                          ***

"I married a younger man. Ten years younger than I am. I

figure it like this: If you can't find a good man, raise one."

  --Unknown

                          ***

Little Johnny was visiting his grandparent's farm.

Investigating the chicken lot, he came upon their peacock.

He ran quickly to the house, shouting, "Granny, come quick!

One of your chickens is in bloom!"

                          ***

Little Johnny brought his puppy to visit his grandmother.

She was busy fixing dinner and paid no attention to the

pup. After a while Little Johnny, with tears in his eyes,

asked her reproachfully, "Aren't you even going to speak

to your granddog?"

                          ***

"When you think about a problem over and over in your mind, that's

called worry.  When you think about God's word over and over in

your mind, that's meditation.  If you know how to worry, you already

know how to meditate."  - - - Rick Warren, "The Purpose-Driven Life"

                          ***

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their

job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their

shovels.  The crew's foreman radios the office and tells

his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll

send some shovels... just lean on each other until they

arrive."

                            ***

"I thought this was nice. Today at NBC, Martin Sheen let

John Kerry come over and sit behind the desk of the oval

office on the set of 'The West Wing.'"  --Jay Leno

                             ***

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the

employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"

"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to

work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.

If I was on time, I was compulsive."

                        ***

"Is this a bad idea? The folks at Sprint announced it is

developing a TV cell phone. It will let you watch TV on

your cell phone. They have the perfect name for it: 'Nine

Dead in Interstate Pileup.'" --Jay Leno

                        ***

The bride-to-be was advised by the marriage counselor to

never completely disrobe in front of her husband when

retiring for decorum's sake. One night, six weeks after

the wedding, the husband said to his bride, "Is there any

insanity in your family?"

"Why, no," she said. "Why do you ask?"

"I was merely wondering," said he, "why you haven't taken

your hat off since we've been married?"

                        ***

Our son, who's in the Army stationed in Georgia, invited

my husband and me for a visit. After driving endlessly

through unfamiliar streets in search of an entrance to

Fort Stewart, my husband suddenly said, "We're getting

closer."

"How do you know?" I asked.

He pointed to a sign that read, "Sonny's Bar & Grill --

Tank Parking Available."

                         ***

When life is good, we have no questions.  When life is hard,

we have no answers.

                         ***

A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital.

"This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for

you. The men on this floor are almost well."

                          ***

Parenthood -

** The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy

them while they're still on your side.

** Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to

your children.

** The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a

loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.

** Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and

board newlyweds.

** The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when

all the children are finally in bed.

** Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need

babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.

** Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy

to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of

grandchildren.

** There are three ways to get something done: Do it

yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children

to do it.

** Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I

was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager

now thinks I am.

** There are only two things a child will share willingly:

communicable diseases and his mother's age.

** An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who

don't have small children.

                           ***

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you

hiring any help?" she asked.

"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."

"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

                           ***

Diane buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that

she decides to keep them in her bathtub. One day she invites

her friend over to see all her beautiful goldfish. Lauren is

impressed, and remarks, "They surely are beautiful, but what

do you do when you want to take a bath?"

Diane replies, "Simple. I just blindfold them."

                           ***

Vision without action is a daydream.  Action without vision is a nightmare.

                           ***

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in

the city.

One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"

"Two days ago."

"Hm. Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May,

he'll be an engineer."

"What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"

"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."

"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"

"He's taking every penny I make."

"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"

"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."

"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"

"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about

him!"

                           ***

Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Kathryn found

an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her

parents.

"Take it to the police station," her mother suggested. My

friend was about to hang up when her mom added....

"And, Kathryn?"

"Yes, mom?"

"Call them first and let them know you're coming."

                           ***

Our daughter Wendy stayed home to housesit while my wife and

I went away for our anniversary.  As she was eating dinner,

the phone rang. It was a telemarketer.

Wendy:  "Hello?"

Telemarketer:  "Good evening. May I speak to Mr. Gallamore?"

Wendy:  "I'm sorry, but he's out of town celebrating his

wedding anniversary."

Telemarketer:  "Oh, I understand.  Well, then, may I please

speak to Mrs. Gallamore?"

                           ***

"Did you hear about this? This is one of those only in

California stories - elementary school students in Berkeley

are receiving a class credit for 'lunch.' Since they learn

about nutrition, lunch is now considered a class. See, that's

when you know we're getting too fat in this country, when

students are actually majoring in lunch!" --Jay Leno

                             ***

All he asked for was a little good-night kiss, but she

haughtily rebuffed him with, "I don’t do that sort of thing

on my first date!"

"Well," he replied with sarcasm, "how about on your last?"

                              ***

Two dogs were walking down the street.  The one dog says

to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He

walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for

about a minute, then walks back across the street.

The other dog says, "What was that about?"

The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my messages."

                               ***

The best thing you can do behind a friend's back is pat it.

                               ***

At the hardware store where I work, our manager was writing

out a bill when he turned to me and asked, "Hey, what are

these nuts worth?"

A new clerk looked up and said, "I thought we were getting

seven bucks an hour?"

                             ***

"Scientists are now saying that obesity can be caused by

viruses. I guess you have to eat a LOT of them!"

  --Gregg Siegel

                             ***

You may not know that many non-living things have a

gender. For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold

everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it

takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective

reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but

can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often

over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go

anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of

course, there's the hot air component.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and

retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to

pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can

shift to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the

last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be

Male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd

be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the

right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

                             ***

"In Florida there are already voting problems. They started

early voting there. Many senior citizens are complaining

about problems at the polls. Apparently they are pulling the

lever and no quarters are coming out." --Conan O'Brien

                             ***

From the various writings of elementary school children:

- What are the parts of speech?  “The lungs and air.”

- “The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitos.”

- “Water is composed of two gins; oxygin and hydrogin.  Oxygin is

  pure gin, hydrogin is gin and water.”

- What is the general direction of the Alps?  “The general direction of

the Alps is straight up.”

- “Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.”

- “The spinal column is a long bunch of bones; the head sits on top, and you sit on the bottom.”

                            ***

Saying “I can forgive, but I cannot forget,” is only another way of

saying, “I cannot forgive.”

                            ***

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road

holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn

around now before it's too late!" They planned to

hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first

driver as he sped by.  From around the curve they heard a

big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should

just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

                             ***

A father and his daughter were watching television while

the mother and son did the dishes. There was a crash from

the kitchen.

"Oops, Mom broke a dish," the daughter said.

"How do you know it was Mom?" her father asked.

"Because she's not saying anything!"

                             ***

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large

city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space

with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper

that read:

"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here,

I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer

along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years.

If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not

into temptation."

                             ***

ALTERNATIVE RETIREMENT HOME

There will be no nursing home in my future......... When I get old

and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.

The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked

on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and

senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant,

or I can have room service ( which means I can have breakfast in bed

every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free

washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5

worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress

replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your

inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask

for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare.

If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the

Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where

you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look

for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side

at no charge.

                              ***

Amusing Quote of the Week:

"We must disarm Saddam Hussein.  He's a brutal, murderous dictator,

leading an oppressive regime.  He presents particular grievous threats

because he is so consistently prone to miscalculation.  Now he is

miscalculating America's response to his continued deceit and his

consistent grasp for weapons of mass destruction.  So this threat of

Saddam Hussein with weapons of mass destruction is real."

            - - -  Senator John Kerry - (Jan 2003 speech)

                         ***

A kind word is the oil that takes the friction out of life.

                        ***

Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to

add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding. My

fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were

planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the

ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly,

"It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."

                         ***

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful...

CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! You're cooking too many

at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We

need more butter.  WHERE are we going to get MORE

BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said

be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!

Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST

your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always

forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you today?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it

feels like to have you sitting next to me when I'm driving."

                         ***

          Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio:

You might be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh), if:

You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!

You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.

You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied

ones.

"Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means

"south."

You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine,

Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in

Cincinnati.

"Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and

deer hunting in the fall.

You measure distance in minutes.

Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.

You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For

example: "Where's my coat at?"

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both

unlocked.

You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer, and

Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

You carry jumper cables in your car.

You know what 'pop' is.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on one

page but requires six pages for sports.

If you actually get these jokes -- then you may just be from OHIO!

                             ***

She was only the whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her

still.

                             ***

Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was

under the lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore

left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself

in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a

clown."

I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until

I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt

and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked,

"Are you giving out balloons?"

                             ***

You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.

                             ***

At 82 years old, my husband applied for his first passport.

He was told he'd need a birth certificate, but his birth

had never been officially registered.

When he explained his dilemma to the passport agent, the

response was less than helpful.  "In lieu of a birth

certificate," the agent said, "you can bring a notarized

affidavit from the doctor who delivered you."

                           ***

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled

upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"

Shouting back, the woman replies,

"For crying out loud, Ed, I've been telling you for the last

half hour...I'll be ready in a minute!"

                           ***

"New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a

one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch

of your assailant." --Dave Letterman

                           ***

My mother and I were walking down the street when a man

stopped us. "I'm taking a survey," he said. "Do you think

there is too much sex in movies?"

"I'm not sure," replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped

up in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is

doing."

[Thanks to Reader's Digest]

                           ***

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his

beard trimmed. As the barber worked, the two enjoyed good

conversation. They talked about many things and various

subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of

God, the barber declared: "I don't believe that God exists!"

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize

that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, why are

there so many sick people?  Why are there abandoned

children?

If God exists, why is there so much suffering and pain?  I

can't imagine loving a God who would allow all of these

things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond

because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber

finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, the customer saw a man

in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an

untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.

The customer turned back, entered the barber shop again,

and said to the barber: "You know what, I just realized

..barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am

here, and I am a barber.  And I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because

if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair

and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! " answered the barber. "What

happens is, people do not come to me."

"Exactly!"- affirmed the customer. "That's the point!

God, too, DOES exist!  What happens is, people don't go

to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much

pain and suffering in the world."

                            ***

"Martha Stewart took her daughter to work and they practiced

making license plates together." --Jay Leno

                            ***

Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a

box that was left on the loading dock with this warning

printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!

Management was called and all employees were told to stay

clear of the box until it could be analyzed.

When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety

glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside

were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!

                            ***

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her

fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to

take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her

fingernails were growing normally.

One day her friend stopped her and noticing her long, groomed

nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I

bite them instead."

                             ***

Strange But True (or so they tell me):

1.  A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen

shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some

kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric

kettle.  Intending to jolt him away from the deadly

current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,

breaking his arm in two places.  Up to that moment, he had

been happily listening to his Walkman.

2.  There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward

where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday

morning, at about 11am, regardless of their medical

condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had

something to do with the supernatural.  No one could solve

the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m.

on Sundays.

So a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to

investigate the cause of the incidents.  The next Sunday

morning, a few minutes before 11am, all doctors and nurses

nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what

the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding

wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to

ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the

part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged

the life support system so that he could use the outlet

for the vacuum cleaner.

3.  Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on

a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender"

stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it

and was blown to bits.

                              ***

A father had just learned of his daughter's plans to get

married to a fellow that she had just recently met. "Does

he have any money?" the father asked.

"Thats interesting," the daughter replied, "he asked the

exact same question about you!"

                              ***

"The visible church is all the people who get together

from time to time in God's name.  Anybody can find out

who they are by going to look.  The invisibile church

is all the people God uses for his hands and feet in this

world.  Nobody can find out who they are except God.  Think

of them as two circles.  The optimist says they are concentric. 

The cynic says they don't even touch.  The realist says they

occasionally overlap."  -- Frederick Buechner, "Wishful Thinking”

                             ***

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag

boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously.  They

often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while

my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to

the car.  Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"

"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.

"They adopted?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to

have kids that small."

                             ***

A couple went to pay a visit to another couple, unannounced.

The wife answered the door.  "Come in," she said.

The other couple came in, sat down, then asked, "So, where's

Jack?"

"Oh," replied his wife, "he's in the bathroom, grouting and

spackling."

"Oh, dear," said the other lady, "I had that once and didn't

get over it for two weeks."

                             ***

"Well good news for Democrats, now over half the country can

identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority

still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters.'"  --Jay Leno

                             ***

"The man with the best job in the country is the Vice

President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say,

'How’s the President?'" --Will Rogers

                             ***

Two politicians were having lunch and discussing the issues.

Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table.

"You're lying!" he shouted.

"Of course I'm lying," the other said, "but hear me out."

                             ***

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six

years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage,

he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a base-

ball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How

do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one

look at me, the boy exclaimed,  "Wow! I must have thrown it

right through that hole!"

                             ***

Recently, while I was on a shopping trip in a department

store, I heard a little five-year-old talking to his mother

on the down escalator. He said, "Mommy, what do they do

when the basement gets full of steps?"

                             ***

I went outside to find a friend

But could not find one there;

I went outside to be a friend,

And found friends everywhere!

     - Payne

                             ***

Middle age is when you want to see how long the car will

last instead of how fast it will go.

Middle age is when you're asked to slow down by the doctor

instead of the police.

                             ***

"Recently, while I was on a shopping trip in a department

store, I heard a little five-year-old talking to his mother

on the down escalator. He said, 'Mommy, what do they do when

the basement gets full of steps?'" --Hal Linden

                             ***

Harry Truman, when he was U.S President, once addressed the

Washington Garden Club and kept referring to 'good manure'

that must be used on flowers. Some society ladies complained

(later) to the First Lady Margaret Truman, "Bess, can't you

get the President to say fertilizer instead of manure?"

The First Lady replied, "Heavens, it took me 25 years to get

him to say 'manure'."

                             ***

A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles

to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye test.

They show him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

"Can you read this?" the optician asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "Heck, I know the guy."

                             ***

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that

one can be designated driver." --Jay Leno

                             ***

"It's spring time and that means prom season. Prom brings back

so many horrible memories for me. I had to take my cousin to

the prom. I don't know who was more embarrassed – him or me."

  --Dave Letterman

                             ***

I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in

my tie. "These four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so un-

stylish," I complained. He asked, "Do you know how to do a

Windsor knot?" I replied, "It doesn't matter if you Windsor

knot, it's how you play the game!

                            ***

There is no comparison between that which is lost by not

succeeding and that which is lost by not trying.

                                    - Frances Bacon

                         *** 

After turning ninety, Marie found that shopping for gifts

had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to

everyone instead. She wrote, "Buy your own present" on

each card and mailed them early.

Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities

during the holidays. It was only after things settled down

to normal that she got around to clearing off her cluttered

desk.

There, under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find

the gift checks, which she had forgotten to enclose!

                         ***

I'm a counselor who helps coordinate support groups for

visually-impaired adults.

Many participants have a condition known as macular

degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to

distinguish facial features.

I had just been assigned to a new group and was

introducing myself.

Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me

well, I jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me,

I've been told that I look like a cross between Paul

Newman and Robert Redford."

Immediately, one woman called out, "We're not THAT blind!"

                        ***

"As an entertainer I travel a lot. I once saw a pin on a Delta

Airlines employee and I asked him what 'Delta' stands for. He

said, 'Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive.'" --Adam Christing

                        ***

"I love those signs along the highway that say, 'Litter

Removal Next 2 Miles.' That's when I start chucking my trash

out the window." --Scott Wood

                        ***

"I have a detached retina. Actually, it's not detached. It's

emotionally unavailable." --Nick Arnette

                        ***

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his

front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your

country club tomorrow at 10:00am if you ever want to see

your wife alive again."

But it was well after 1:00pm by the time he arrived at the

designated meeting spot.

A masked man stepped out from behind a bush and demanded,

"You're three hours late. What took you so long?"

"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.

"I'm a 27 handicap."

                        ***

The Bureau of prisons just announced the release of a serial

bank robber who had looted over 30 banks before his capture.

The parole board says he is completely rehabilitated and has

found employment at his home in Prague. Yes, that is correct.

They were able to right a bad czech.

                        ***

Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives.

                        ***

What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?

Look at the orange marmalade!

                         ***

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.  The trial lawyer approached him

and asked, "Where were you on the night of  October to April?"

                         ***

What does a one-legged ballerina wear?  A one-one.

                         ***

Helpful Hints for the Clueless:

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic!

Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

And presto!  The blockage will be almost instantly

removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing

vegetables by getting someone else to hold them

while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the

toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut

yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing

the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,

will prevent you from rolling over and going back to

sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of

laxatives.  You will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a

hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. And finally, keep in mind that basically only two

tools are needed in life:  WD-40 and Duct Tape.  If

it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.  If it

shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

                         ***

A man returned from the doctor's office, distraught and in tears. 

His wife quickly asked, "What's the matter, dear?"

"The doctor told me I'll have to take medicine for the rest of my life."

"That's not so terrible," replied his wife.

"But he only gave me 4 pills!"

                         ***

If you're going to go cross-country skiing, you should start with a

small country.

                         ***

Neither vice nor virtue can remain a secret forever.

                         ***

The CIA was accepting applications for an assassin.  Having narrowed the final list to two men and one woman, it was time to give them their final test.  Each one was given a gun.

The first man was brought in, directed toward a wooden door, and told:  "Right in there is your wife - go in there and kill her."  The man's countenance fell.  He dropped the gun and said, "I can't do it."

They brought in the second man and told him, "Behind that door is your wife - go in there and kill her."  He went to the door, put his hand on the knob, but he couldn't do it either.

Finally, they brought in the woman.  They told her, "Behind that door is your husband.  Go in and kill him."  She went through the door without a second of hesitation.  Within a few seconds they heard the gun firing, one shot after another until all thirteen shots had been fired.  Next they heard screaming and crashing sounds, and banging on the walls.  Then everything grew quiet.  The door opened slowly, and the woman emerged, sweat dripping from her brow.  Looking around, she muttered, "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to strangle him."

                          ***

John: "Honey, there's something that's always bugged me about our children.  I can't help but noticing that out of our eight children, Ben looks different than all the others.  I know it's a terrible thing to ask, but does he have a different father?"

Mary: "Yes, it's true, he does."

John: "Please, tell me, who's Ben's father?"

Mary:  "You."

                          ***

"Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate

the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really

rich country like Switzerland and marry it." --Jay Leno

                          ***

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he

planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few

people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

                          ***

While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was

holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he

said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."

Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well,"

he said, "go ahead."

"And this is my pole," he said.

My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added,

"I just bought it at the hardware store."

And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the

bus.

                          ***

I hate people that forward too many warnings as much as

anyone, but this one is important!

Send this warning to everyone you know, friends and enemies!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are

conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take

your clothes off and dance around, do not do it!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked!

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now. :(

                          ***

Joe:  "I went out with twins on a date last night."

Jim:  "Did you have a good time?"

Joe: "Well, yes and no."

                          ***

A man walks into an antique shop and asks, "What's new?"

                          ***

Jews don't recognize Jesus, Protestants don't recognize the Pope, and

Baptists don't recognize each other in a liquor store.

                          ***

Tell me, and I forget.

Teach me, and I may remember.

Involve me, and I learn.

               ---Benjamin Franklin

                            ***
 
The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from
one pediatrician's office included the line item "behavior
modification reinforcers."
 
Fearing that the doctor was engaging in some unapproved,
experimental psychological treatment, she called the
pediatrician's office to inquire, "What on earth are
behavior modification reinforcers?"
 
"Lollipops," was the reply.
 
                             ***
 
A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural
geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being
the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a
large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.
 
One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining
severe damage to the upper cranial structure; subsequently
the second member of the team performed a self-rotational
translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first
team member.
 
It will be a while before Jack and Jill head up that hill
for a pail of water again.
 
                             ***
 
"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture
of the entire planet Earth taken from space.  On the back
it said, "Wish you were here." - Steven Wright
 
                             ***
 
A woman was at home with her children when the telephone
rang.  In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed
for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table.
It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the
hook.
 
As it fell, it hit the family dog, which leaped up, howling
and barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by
this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some
colourful words. She finally managed to pick up the receiver
and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's
voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but
I'm positive I have the right number."
 
                             ***
 
More tidbits from actual resumes:
 
"I am very conscientious and accurite."
 
"I am also a notary republic."
 
"The firm currently employs 20 odd people."
 
"My consideration will be given to relocation anywhere in
the English-speaking world and/or Washington, D.C."
 
Compiled by: Robert Half
 
                           ***
 
Headstones:
 
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
 
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
 
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
 
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
 
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
 
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
 
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
 
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.
 
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went
 
Lastly, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More
 
                            ***
 
The rich aunt was hurt and said to her nephew, "I'm sorry   
you don't like your gift. I asked you if you preferred a   
large check or a small check."   
 
"I know, Auntie," the nephew said contritely, "but I didn't   
know you were talking about neckties."   
 
                            ***
 
We don't know what the future holds.....but we can know who
holds the future.
 
                            ***
 

Our pastor was winding down the service.  In the back of the

church, the fellowship committee stood to go to the church

hall and prepare snacks for the congregation.

Seeing them rise, Pastor Michael singled them out for praise.

"Before they all slip out," he urged, "let's give these ladies a big

hand in the rear."

                           ***

You're from the West Coast when...

--You make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy your

   own house.

--The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his

   cell phone.

--The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

--You know how to eat an artichoke.

--You drive to your neighborhood block party.

You're from New York when...

--You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean

Manhattan.

--You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire

State Building.

--You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get

   from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find

Wisconsin on a map.

--You think Central Park is "nature."

--You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You're from Colorado when...

--You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

--You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home

   and he stops at the day care.

--A pass does not involve a football or dating.

--The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

--Your bridal registry is at REI.

                           ***

A seven year-old came to class one morning after being

absent the day before.  His teacher asked, "Why weren't

you at school yesterday?"

"Well, my Granddad got burnt," he explained.

"Oh dear. He wasn't too badly burned was he?" the teacher

replied.

"Oh yes, they don't mess around at those crematoriums!"

                           ***

"You know you're getting older when the first thing you do

after eating is look for a place to lie down."

   --Louie Anderson

                           ***

No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our

daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle,

I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a

little helmet.

The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-

checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of

the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my

leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in

the chin.

[Reader's Digest.]

                           ***

"Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is

half full, I say, are you going to drink that?"

  --Lisa Claymen

                           ***

Only after talking to God about people are we ready to talk

to people about God.

                           ***

The prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury

had found the defendant not guilty.

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you

possibly have found this man innocent?"

The foreman replied, "Insanity."

The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"

                              ***

"Give me a sentence about one of the public servants we

learned about today," said the kindergarten teacher to her

class.

One small boy stated: "The fireman came down the ladder

pregnant."

"Do you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," he said confidently. "It means carrying a child."

                              ***

"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They

are in front of you in the express lane at the supermarket."

                              ***

"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close

to someone who will leave them alone." --Elayne Boosler

                              ***

Three guys are debating which of their languages is

the most pleasing to the ear.

The Italian says, "Consider the phrase, 'I love you.'

In Italian, it is: 'Ti amo'. What a lovely sound!"

The Frenchman says, "True, but in French it is 'Je t'adore'.

An even more beautiful sound!"

"Unt vat's wrong vit: 'Ick leiber dick?" asks the German.

                              ***

At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages

instead of the usual four. The waitress explained that the

cook had dropped one and was making another.

Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen. "Here you are,"

he announced. "It's the missing link!"

                              ***

"I'm excited; I just bought a new lemon zester at Martha

Stewart's Going To Prison Sale." --David Letterman

                              ***

"While working in a clothing store, I noticed that people had

no shame about returning items that obviously had been worn.

One rainy morning I walked in and found a discolored blazer

hanging on the rack with other returns. "People return the

most filthy, nasty things," I commented to my supervisor who

was standing nearby.

Eyebrow raised, she said, "That's my jacket."

                              ***

God grades on the cross, not on the curve.

                              ***

"My mom is very possessive. She calls me up and says things

like, 'You weren't home last night. Is something going on?'

I say, 'Yeah Mom, I'm cheating on you with another mother.'"

  --Heidi Joyce

                              ***

Boating magazine runs a contest for clever boat names. The

following names Reeled in the honors:

Brace Yourself  (Owned by an Orthodontist)

Sir Osis of the River

Aqua Seltzer

Out to Launch

A lawyer's boat called ~ Watertight Alibi

Meals on Reels

The Merri Yot

and, from a landscape contractor,

Yard Buoy.

                               ***

"Courtney Love was rushed to the hospital today. I don't

know what condition she's in but I think we can rule out

"stable"."  --Craig Kilborn

                               ***

Ten Common Fishing Terms That Are Helpful To Know.....

Catch and Release -

A conservation motion that happens most often right before

the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has

caught over it's limit.

Hook -

1. A curved piece of metal used to catch fish.

2. A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend

his life savings on a new rod and reel.

3. The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he

spends their life savings, (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook)

Line -

Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday

how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure -

An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an

angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit

card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel -

A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when

dropped overboard.

Rod -

An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an

angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School -

A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99

lures and hold out for Spam instead.

Tackle -

What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but

just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box -

A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive 'first

aid kit'. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects,

so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a

Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test -

1. The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler

when fighting fish in a specific weight range.

2. A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line"

for once again losing the fish.

                             ***

"Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime

next door went nuts." --Steven Wright

                             ***

My friend asked his father-in-law, a crop duster, how his day

had gone.

"It was the worst day of my life," replied the man. "This

morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a

power line and damaged the wing on the plane. When I got back

to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the

FAA chewed me out.

"On my way home, I stopped at a bar and was handed a warm beer.

So I yelled at the bartender, 'Don't you have any cold beer?!'

"The bartender said, 'Sorry, but we've been out of electricity

all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down

the road.'"

[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

                             ***

An American scientist once visited the offices of the great

Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen,

and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was

nailed to the wall.

The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't

believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you,

Professor Bohr?"

Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend.

Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish

nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring

you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"

                            ***

Believing Christ died --- that's history.  Believing Christ died

for me --- that's salvation.

                            ***

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any

interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The

good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and

wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.

When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your

paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.  "What's the bad

news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

                                  ***

A suspect was arrested recently for attacking a man in a

rice field with a small ceramic figurine.

It's the first case on record of a knick-knack paddy whack.

                                  ***

Literary Insults:

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."

-Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many

obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a

reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest

Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come

from big words?" -Ernest Hemingway (about William

Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste

no time reading it." -Moses Hadas

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness

in others." -Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

-Paul Keating

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of

any man I know." -Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't

it." -Groucho Marx

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always

yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter

saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain

"She is a peacock in everything but beauty." -Oscar Wilde

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever

they go." -Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his

friends." -Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...

for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang

(1844-1912)

                                  ***

After Little Johnny learned about fire safety in school one

day, his teacher asked him what he would do if his clothes

were on fire.

Little Johnny answered matter-of-factly, "I wouldn't put

them on!"

                                  ***

One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her

son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant,

every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the

dictionary."

"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a

letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"

                                  ***

He who laughs, lasts.

                                  ***

Teacher: "There's an old saying that cats have nine lives.

Does any animal have any more than that?"

Little Johnny: "Sure, frogs. They croak every night."

                                  ***

Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was

used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never

realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out

to dinner at a new restaurant.

The hostess sat us at our table, took one long look at my

stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair

just in case?"

[Reader's Digest.]

                                          ***

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on

his deathbed, sold me this watch." --Woody Allen

                                          ***

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd por-

poise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had

feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing,

they prepared to set it free.

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it

be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the

feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your

life," exclaimed the doctor,

"That would be defeeting the porpoise."

                                       ***

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed

out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks  roared by, sirens blaring, lights

flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street,

where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by

helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........

we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows

on them...

                                      ***

Knock knock

Who's there?

Golaith

Goliath who?

Goliath down, you looketh tired.

                                      ***

"Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do

something you want done, because he wants to do it."

                                    - Dwight D. Eisenhower

                                ***

A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me,

can you help me. I think I'm a moth."

"You don't need a dentist.  You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know."

"So, why did you come in here?"

"The light was on."

                                ***

They're Back! Church Bulletin Bloopers:

Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences

actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church

services:

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to

a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.  Smile at

someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care

much about you.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more

transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes

of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the

church.. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy

lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment

and gracious hostility.

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the

recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across

from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the

Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend

this tragedy.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign

slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

                                ***

I was expecting my Oriental friend Chu to arrive at the

airport and want to be picked up at the same time that I

had a pressing commitment elsewhere. I simply couldn't be

in two places at once, but I couldn't get out of my previous

commitment. What to do?

Then I remembered that my friend Stuart had offered several

times to help me if he ever could in any way. Maybe he could

solve my problem.

So I called him up, explained my dilemma to him, and asked

him, "Please, Stu, meet Chu."

                              ***

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients

being discharged.  However, while working as a student

nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and

sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who

insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let

me wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down I asked him

if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said.  "She's still upstairs in the

bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

                             ***

"I just recently had my Visa card stolen... Right now it's

everywhere I want to be."  --Scott Wood

                             ***

A little boy was given a five dollar bill to put in the

collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn't

put it in.

But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the

pastor's hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave

it to the pastor.

The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why

didn't you put it in the offering plate?"

And the boy answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the

poorest pastor we've ever had!"

                             ***

Better than counting your years is making all your years count.

                             ***

Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it

had seen better days.  As they slid into a booth, Bill

wiped some crumbs from the seat.  Then he took a napkin

and wiped some moisture from the table.  The waitress

came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

"No thanks," said Doug.  "I'll just have a cup of black

coffee."

"I'll have black coffee, too," Bill said.  "And please

make sure the cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look.  She turned and

marched off into the kitchen.

Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced, sternly.

"Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

                              ***

"How late do you usually sleep on Sunday mornings?"

"It all depends."

"Depends on what?"

"The length of the sermon."

                              ***

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine

husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He

went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in

the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole

squad.

I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had

pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so

his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained,

"Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not

been cleaned."

                              ***

"Have you heard the good news? Over the weekend J. Lo got

married to Marc Anthony. No date has been set for the

divorce."  --David Letterman

                              ***

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first

cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a

conversation but got no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final

check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.

"How old are you?"

No response.

The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked,

"Can you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you

count?!"

                               ***

"John Kerry has a new 757 jet to use while he campaigns for

president ... did you see it on the news? This is a really

cool plane. In the event that Kerry starts speaking, oxygen

masks fall from the ceiling to keep people awake."

  --Jay Leno

                              ***

Favorite Police Emergency Calls:

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't

  have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the

  same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two

  minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of

  breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Darn....

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an

  asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having

  trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the police.

                              ***

Some minds are like concrete; thoroughly mixed up, and

permanently set.

                            ***

Bumping into a woman on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise look-

alike apologized, "Pardon me!"

"That's quite all right," the woman replied. "You look just

like my fourth husband."

"Wow!" he said. "How many times have you been married?"

She winked at him and said, "Three."

                             ***

 Little Johnny complained to his mother that he had a stomachache.

She told him that it was because his stomach was empty and

that he would feel better if he had something in it.

That afternoon the minister called, and in the conversation,

he remarked that he had a headache. Little Johnny perked up.

"That's because it's empty," he said. "You'd feel better if

you had something in it."

                             ***

"The future is that time when you'll wish you'd done what you

aren't doing now." --Unknown

                             ***

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter

on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with

trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you

that I have eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real

passion and he is so nice, even with all his piercing and

tattoos, and I love riding on the back of his big

motorcycle.

But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and

Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in

the woods. He wants to have many more children with me

and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana

doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his

friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and

ecstasy we may want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS

cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't

worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take

care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know

your grandchildren.

Your daughter,

Judith

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Sandy's.  I just

wanted to show you that there are worse things in life

than my report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!

                             ***

Two sour-faced farmers loved to grumble to one another.

"Never did see hay grow so short as mine this summer,"

sighed one.

"You think yours is short," answered the other. "I had to

lather mine to mow it!"

                           ***

Actions speak louder than bumper stickers.

                          ***

Church Signs:

-Come In And Let Us Prepare You For Your Finals

-Let Us Take You To Our Leader

-Pray Up In Advance

-We Specialize In Faith Lifts

                           ***

"Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do

something you want done, because he wants to do it."

                                    - Dwight D. Eisenhower

                           ***

When I was 7 yrs old, my family moved from Pennsylvania to Ohio.  The first week in my new second grade class in Ohio, a classmate asked me where I was born.  When I responded  "Monongahela, Pennsylvania" he almost fell out of his seat in surprise, as it was certainly a strange-sounding and unfamiliar place to him.

After he had recovered, he further queried, "Why did you want to be born THERE?"  My response was not long in coming.  "I guess I just wanted to be near my mother," I quipped.  Once again he almost fell out of his seat - this time laughing.

                             ***

Teacher: "There's an old saying that cats have nine lives.

Does any animal have any more than that?"

Little Johnny: "Sure, frogs. They croak every night."

                             ***

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and

several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance.

At one point, our minister had the children gather at the

altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began

by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"

There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely,

"He's the one you can move diagonally."

                             ***

Little Johnny asked his mother, "Did you know that Job spoke

when he was just a newborn baby?"

"How do you know that?"

He replied, "The Bible says 'Job cursed the day he was

born.'"

                             ***

Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so

he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so

that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did

this carefully, with bright ribbons and tape, so he was

quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed

man.

Mr. Smith pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the

handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides. "Were your

bags marked like this?", he asked.

"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this

to my luggage."

                             ***

A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I

tell you."  So I didn't.

                             ***

Most parents are amazed when their sons/daughters

marry a person with much lower mental capacity, ambition

and moral standards, yet still manage to have utterly

brilliant children.

                             ***

"The method preferred by most balding men for making them-

selves look silly is called the 'comb-over,' which is when

the man grows the hair on one side of his head very long

and combs it across the bald area, creating an effect that

looks...from the top...like an egg in the grasp of a large

tropical spider." --Dave Barry

                            ***

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas.

She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What

rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do

now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why

don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by

a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He

rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the

crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table

operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks,

"What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money

on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

                             ***

"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their

children to come back home." --Bill Cosby

                             ***

Nothing costs as much as loving --- except not loving.

                             ***

A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water

leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the

carpet throughout the cabin of the 747.

A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness

asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?"

Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we

put the top up."

                             ***

The two teenagers were arrested. The police sergeant told

them they were entitled to a phone call. Some time later a

man entered the station and asked for them by name.

The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the lawyer?"

"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver their

pizza."

                             ***

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new

fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great

American patriots.

On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on

the other side, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin,

the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can

simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."

                             ***

  Product Instructions and Warnings -

On a bar of Dial soap:

Directions: Use like regular soap.

On Teco's Tiramisu dessert:

Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the

box.)

On Swedish chain saw:

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

Product will be hot after heating.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:

For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:

Fits one head.

On a bag of Fritos:

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details

inside.

                              ***

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was

two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds

good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine

cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress

warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife

asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two

eggs home.

                              ***

"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your

life." --George Carlin

                              ***

Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted

her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding

a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers

and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later,

Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not

received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer

that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.

It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, how-

ever, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

                               ***

Jesus came to save the lost, the last, and the least.

                               ***

Amy and Jamie were old friends. They had both been married to their husbands for a long time.  Amy was upset because she thought her husband didn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy

cried.

"I'm so sorry for you.  As I get older my husband says I

get more beautiful every day." replied Jamie.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

                               ***

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was out riding in his limousine, when he saw two men along the side of the road, down on their hands and knees munching on grass that was barely long enough to yield a good mouthful.

The lawyer ordered his driver to stop, and got out to investigate. He approached one of the men and asked, “Why are you men eating grass?”

The man replied, “We don’t have any money for food.  We have no choice but to eat grass.”

“Well then, you can come to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“Sir, I have a wife and two children with me – they are over there under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” replied the lawyer.

“Turning to the other poor man, he said, “You come along, too.”

The second man in a pitiful voice replied, “But sir, I have a wife and 6 children with me.”

“Bring them all,” stated the lawyer, “bring them all!”

They all enter the limousine, which was no easy task, even as big as the limo was.  But once they were settled and well underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and in a choked voice said, “Sir, you are too kind!  Thank you for taking us all with you.”

The lawyer glanced over at the man, and giving him a kindly pat on the leg, replied, “Glad to do it, I’m sure!  I think you’re going to really love my place.  The grass there is almost a foot high.”

                               ***

"Congratulations to Gwyneth Paltrow who gave birth to a baby

girl named Apple. Gwyneth says looking forward to having

another daughter so she can have a "pear"." --Jay Leno

                               ***

"My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I

broke my arm playing football and my father tried to get a

free X-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie

down with the luggage." --Glen Super

                                ***

Little Johnny's mother was having difficulty forcing down

the birthday cake he had made for her as a surprise.

When she was finally finished eating, Little Johnny happily

Exclaimed, "I'm so glad you like it, Mommy. There should have

been 32 candles on the cake, but they were all gone when I took

it out of the oven."

                                ***

In the early 90's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo

Ederle in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding

bicycles back and forth to work. 

So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully

comic accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary,

"Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged in the

riding of a bicycle."

                                 ***

From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small

island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is that?" a passenger asked a passing steward.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."

                                 ***

"Strangely enough, this is the past someone in the future is going

to long to go back to!"  -- Ashleigh Brilliant

                                ***

I hadn't recorded a greeting yet on my new answering machine,

so when my mother came to visit, I asked her to tape one.

"This is Marcia's mother," my machine announced. "Marcia is

an only child; she never writes, she never calls. So why not

give me a buzz? I'd be happy to talk to you. My number is..."

Everyone called my mother. She loved the attention.

                                 ***

My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah

(four) and Hannah (two) and on the way home he drove through

a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah

asked, "Daddy, what are we doing?"

My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for

sale.

Sarah asked "Are you gonna buy a new house?"

Dad replied "Maybe."

Then Sarah said with much concern, "But Dad, how will we get

it HOME?!"

                               ***

"I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much,

he doesn't like it when you join in." --Mick Miller

                               ***

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi

just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,

"Perfect timing.  You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

Dave Aronson.  There's a guy who did everything right.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab.  It would have

happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says

Morris.

"Not Dave.  He was a terrific athlete.  He could have gone

on the pro tour in tennis.  He could golf with the pros.

He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway

star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap.  Could remember everybody's

birthday.  He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with.

He could fix anything. Not like me.  I change a fuse, and

I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

"Because I married his widow."

                                ***

"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the

farmer. "You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on

you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."

"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'."

                                ***

A little pun fun:

-You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around

naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from

streaking.

-The roundest knight at king Arthur's table was Sir

Cumference.

-The jockey thought he was so clever feeding marijuana to

his steed to enhance it's performance. Well, now he's

busted, and it's time for him to get off his high horse.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

                                ***

"English is a language where double negatives are a no-no."

    --Alfred E. Neuman

                                ***

"Armstrong," the boss bellowed, "I happen to know that the

reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were

out playing golf! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the

fish to prove it!"

                                ***

"Rare is the person who can weigh the faults of others without

putting his thumb on the scale." - Byron J. Langnefield

                                *** 

One day, Adam is wandering around the Garden and he says, "Lord, things have been pretty slow around here. Haven’t you got something for me to do?"

The Lord says, "Ok Adam. I want you to go over there and give Eve's hand a squeeze."

Adam asks, "Lord, what's a squeeze?" So the Lord explains it to Adam, and Adam takes off, looking for Eve.

A little while later Adam comes back and says, "Lord, it's still kind of slow around here. Haven’t you got something else for me to do?"

So the Lord says, "Ok Adam. I want you to go over there and give Eve a kiss."

Adam asks, "Lord, what's a kiss?" So the Lord explains it to Adam, and Adam takes off again.

A little while later Adam comes back and says, ""Lord, I’m still a bit bored. Haven’t you got something that I could do?"

So the Lord says, "Ok Adam. I want you to go over there, get with Eve, and be fruitful and multiply!"

Adam asks, "Lord, what's be fruitful and multiply?" So the Lord explains it to Adam and Adam takes off with a big smile on his face.

Pretty soon Adam comes back and says, "Lord, what's a headache?"

                             ***

Alternative Definitions:

Arbitrator:  a cook who leaves Arbys to work at McDonalds

Avoidable:  what a bullfighter attempts to do

Counterfeiters:  guys who install kitchen cabinets

Eclipse:  what an English barber does for a living

                             ***

I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf! All I have

to do is mention it to my husband and he says, "Let's eat

out!"

                             ***

"My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch

your health." So one day while I was watching my health,

someone stole my money. It was my grandfather."

  --Jackie Mason

                             ***

"I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking

how big I'd get." --Rodney Dangerfield

                             ***

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong

evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the

defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his

client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for

you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case

will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the

courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked

on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous

statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I

therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in

this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that

you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few

minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict

of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some

doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client

didn't."

                             ***

"My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least, that's what she

keeps scribbling in her diary." --Drake Sather

                             ***

"Most of the men in this town think monogamy is some kind

of wood."  --Amy Yasbeck as Peggy Brandt in "The Mask".

                             ***

An old farmer decided to visit a pond in the back of his

property that he had not visited in a long time. As he neared

the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing.

As he came closer, he discovered a bunch of young women were

skinny dipping in his pond. He politely made the women aware

of his presence, and soon they all moved to the deep end of

the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until

you leave!"

The farmer replied, "Oh, don't worry about me. I didn't come

down here to see you skinny dipping. I'm just here to feed

the alligator."

Moral: Age and cunning will triumph over youth and

enthusiasm EVERY time!

                            ***

Punny sayings:

Money does not talk. It just goes without saying.

A thief who stole cutlery without leaving a clue was

called the "stainless stealer."

Did you hear about the wife who had plastic surgery? Her

husband cut up her credit cards.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

I heard of a Pastor who had a special drawer where he

filed his bills. It was labeled "Due unto others."

Auto body-shop sign: "We come highly wreck-a-mended"

Note from the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if

you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will

be."

Old politicians never die, they just get devoted.

                          ***

"God is the source of love; Christ is the proof of love; service

is the expression of love; boldness is the outcome of love."

         - Henrietta C. Mears

                          ***

"I was in McDonald's and I saw this kid take his Happy Meal

toy and throw it on the ground.

His mom said, 'Hey, you play with that. There are children in

China who are manufacturing those!'" --Laura Silverman

                          ***

Stuck in rush-hour traffic, I couldn't help but stare at a

burly-looking biker wearing a black leather jacket and chaps

pulled up next to me on a shocking pink Harley.  My first

thoughts were, "Is that really a pink Harley?" and, "I wonder

if he's..."

Just then the traffic cleared, and he pulled in front of me.

On the back of his jacket were stenciled the words, "Yes, it

is. No, I'm not."

                          ***

A car with Massachusetts plates drove up to the Canadian

customs booth I was manning. When I asked the driver his

name, he looked at me strangely and asked, "How much?"

I repeated my question, and this time he answered. But when

I proceeded to question him further, he told me he just

wanted to pay the toll and go.

"You're not at a tollbooth, Sir," I patiently explained.

"This is Canadian customs."

The man paled. He had left Boston six hours earlier--headed

for New York City.

                          ***

On the wall outside a university library in Tennessee is a

row of hooks with a sign that reads, "For Faculty Members

Only."

Underneath, the following note was penciled in: "May also be

used for hats and coats."

                          ***

Having many legal problems, including a divorce, a man had

become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general. One

evening in a cafe, the conversation got around to his pet

peeve and he started "venting." "All lawyers are jerks,"

he loudly proclaimed.

Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and

sauntered over to him.  "Look, I heard what you said, and

I am highly offended by it."

"Why is that - are you a lawyer?" he asked.

"No, I'm not; I'm a jerk!"

                          ***

"Kids? It's like living with homeless people. They're cute

but they just chase you around all day long going, 'Can I

have a dollar? I'm missing a shoe! I need a ride!'"

  --Kathleen Madigan

                          ***

I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset

when the doctor hold me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the

nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to

respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn't

speak.

The nurse patted my hand and said, "Don't worry. This medical

problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous

procedure."

"You're right. I'm being silly," I said, "Please continue."

"Good," the nurse went on, "Now, do you have a living will?"

[Thanks to Reader's Digest.]

                           ***

"I never get tired of housework - I don't do any. When

guests come to visit I just put down dropcloths and say,

'We're painting.'" --Joan Rivers

                           ***

Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes

the ride worthwhile.

                                                       ***

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had

slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high

with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to

come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So

which six items would you like to buy?"

                                  ***

As a secret shopper for a large department store, my sister

made purchases at various chains and then reported back to

supervisors on the clerks' performances. After a few weeks,

I asked her if she was enjoying her new job.

"I love it!" she replied. "I'm getting paid for doing two of

my favorite things in life--shopping and criticizing people."

                                 ***

A mother who had just put her little boy to bed was heard to

say as she shut the door and tip-toed down the hall. "One

more day when I worked from son-up to son-down."

                                  ***

"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of

people will be disappointed to discover they are not it."

  --Bernard Bailey

                                  ***

A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film

location in the mountains spun out of control on the icy

road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot

embankment, turned over, and burst into flames.

There were no injuries.

                                   ***

"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man

traveling in her compartment. "I'm a naval surgeon," he

replied.

"Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these

days."

                                   ***

In a very exclusive private school near California's Silicon

Valley, a third-grade teacher was lecturing her upper-high-

class students about the less fortunate. She asked them each

to write an essay about a poor family in the area.

One little girl's paper began: "Once upon a time there was a

poor family. The father was poor. The mother was poor. The

children were poor. The nannies were poor. The pool man was

poor. The personal trainer was poor. The gardners were poor.

This was a very poor family!

                                     ***

One Sunday, after church, Mom asked her little daughter what

the Sunday school lesson was about. Her daughter answered,

"Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts." Needless to say,

Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked

him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, "Be not afraid, thy Comforter is coming."

***

If you are all wrapped up in yourself, you're overdressed.

***

A shoe manufacturer sent two salesmen to a remote country.  

Not long after, he received a telegram from each. One wrote:  

"Get me out of here - no one wears shoes."  

The other wrote: "Quick, send me more inventory - everyone  

here needs shoes!"  

***

"There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million

monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually

come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to

the Internet, we now know this isn't true." --Ian Hart

                                 ***

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had

imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although

this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it

to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.

Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden

under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited

until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the

shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking

lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her

seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

                                 ***

A graduate in economics who completed his degree in the 1950's

returned to his old university for a visit. He was amazed to

see that the examination questions were identical to the ones

asked in his day.

When he pointed this out to a member of staff, he replied,

"That's true, but, of course, the answers are completely

different now."

                                 ***

My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of free newspapers for his customers.

As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows

enough to offset the cost of the papers."

"Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled... "Nothing dirties

clothes more than newsprint."

                           ***

He who has no money is poor; he who has nothing but money is poorer still.

                        ***

This comes from Donna Patterson Wilson, who answered

thousands of IRS-directed questions from an often-confused

public. She kept a special list of the strangest of these

calls. Here are a several:

Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know

what you want.

IRS: What does it say?

Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.

Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100

bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.

IRS: Both. It's the same amount.

Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I

move the decimal point?

Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting

to relatives and taking a loss on the property?

IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.

Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we

could get a lot more.

Caller: Could you please send me some of those WD-40's?

                         ***

"I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at

once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately."

  --Mark Twain

                          ***

A man decides to go on a safari in Africa.  He takes with him his

faithful pet dachshund.  One day the dachshund starts chasing

butterflies, but before long discovers that he’s lost.  Wandering

about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction, with

the obvious intention of having him for lunch.

The dachshund thinks, “All right, I’m in deep trouble.”  He notices

some bones on the ground, and he immediately settles down to chewing

on the bones, with his back to the approaching leopard. Just as the

leopard is about to leap, the dachshund says, “Boy, that was one

delicious leopard.  I wonder if there are any more around here.”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride.  A look of

terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.  “Phew, that

was close!  That dachshund nearly had me!”  gasps the

leopard.

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene

from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good

use, and trade it for protection from the leopard.  So off he

goes, soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and

strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.  The leopard is furious

at being made a fool of, and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back, and

see what’s going to happen to that conniving little canine.”

The dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his

back, sizes up the situation, and says to himself, “I’m in deep

trouble now!”  Instead of running, he sits down with his back to

his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet.  Just when

they get close enough, the dachshund says, “Where is that

monkey?  I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another

leopard.”

                          ***

"I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree.

Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at

all." --Ogden Nash

                          ***

John was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went

to a psychiatrist.  The psychiatrist said that he needed to build

his self esteem, and gave him a book on assertiveness, which he

read on his bus trip home that evening.  Having finished the book

by the time he reached his house, John stormed into the house

and strode up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he declared forcefully, “I want you

to know that from now on, I am the man of this house, and my

word is law!  I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,

and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous

dessert afterwards.  Then after dinner, you’re going to draw me

my bath, so that I can relax.  And when I’ve finished with my bath,

guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife, hands on hips and silently fuming inside, eyed him up

and down him for a moment, and finally responded, “The funeral director?”

                        ***

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-

worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the

border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and

bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official

asked if we had anything of value to report.

"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the

bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as

she continued, "I only bought a little pot."

[From Reader's Digest.]

***

"The Bible was not given to increase our knowledge, but to change

our lives." --- Dwight Moody

***

A man driving in Southern Indiana, heading for Kentucky, saw

a sign that read:

"LAST CHANCE FOR $1.55 GAS!!!"

He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured

he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his

tank cheap.

As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked,

"So, how much IS gas in Kentucky?"

The man replied, "A buck and a quarter."

                                   ***

Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world,

we can see why Americans have not adopted it:

A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

Put your best .3 of a meter forward.

Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.

Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

                                  ***

"He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel

in his mouth and his wife hit him on the back of the head

with a mallet." --Fred Allen

[I don't know why I think this quote is so funny!]

                                  ***

You might be a redneck if:

1.  … you go camping and your standard of living improves.

2.  … your pre-nuptial agreement mentions chickens.

3.  … there is a belch on your answering machine's greeting.

4.  … you have rebuilt a carburetor while on the commode.

5.  … you have slow-danced in the Waffle House.

                                  ***

Our newer, high-speed computer was in for repairs, and my

son was forced to work on our old 386 model with the black-

and-white printer. "I can't stand it, Mom," he complained to

me one day, "this is like we're living back in the twentieth

century."

                                  ***

After his usual, lengthy sermon, the minister announced that

he wished to meet with the church board following the close

of the service.

The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total

stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a

meeting of the board members," explained the minister.

"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more

bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him."

                                  ***

"The Passion of Christ" was his passionate love for each one of us.

                                  ***

Some of these are so bad, they're funny. 

 BadaBing!

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

5.   "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
   "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
   "Is it common?"
   "It's not unusual."

6. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

7. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 8 . A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?
"No, because he's really heavy."

 9. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad... or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

10. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

11. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". 

12. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

                                 ***

Rumor has it that the propeller on any light aircraft is

only there to keep the pilot and passengers cool.

What, you don't believe this?

If it stops, watch them start to sweat!

                                   ***

One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer

going to remind her children of their thank-you note

duties.

As a result their grandmother never received

acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.

The next year things were different, however.

"The children came over in person to thank me," the

grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed.  "What do you think

caused the change in behavior?"

"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied.  "This year I

didn't sign the checks."

                                  ***

"How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg?

Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg."

  --Abraham Lincoln

                                  ***

Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church

choir. From time to time she would practice while she was

in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start

in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter,

Joe? Don't you like my singing?"

Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want

to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

                                  ***

Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they

decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to

their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really

wasn't anyone special in her life.

Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she

had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when

we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've

been waiting to hear a man say to me!"

"He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.

Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."

                                  ***

Thankfulness begins with a good memory.

                             ***

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just

dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our

anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and

gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The

Meaning of Dreams."

                              ***

My wife and I were at my high school reunion.  As I looked

around, I  noticed the other men in their expensive suits...

and their bulging  stomachs.  Proud of the fact that I

weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high

school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky

hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who

can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."

She glanced at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and

said, "You're the only one who has to."

                              ***

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak

he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them

decided to head down and see if was really as large and

delicious as he was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After

looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily,

for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out

some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.

"Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the

waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a

BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends

invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the

meaning of this?"

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were

sitting by the window."

                                                         ***

Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...

                             ***

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

                             ***

"Vernon, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to

the little boy.

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Vernon, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you

really expect me to believe that story?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted the boy. "I had

to force him, but he ate it!"

                             ***

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her

kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help

and she could see why.

With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't

want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher,

they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any

easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to

get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and

scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting

boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me

wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered

up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots

on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots. . ."

                           ***
 
A University of Alabama football player was visiting a relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party
and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a
conversation with the line, "Where do ya'll go ta'school?"
 
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his
grammar or southern drawl, but answered his question anyway,
 
"Yale," she replied.
 
The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE
DO YA'LL GO TA'SCHOOL!?"
 
                             ***
 
One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her
husband with twin sons.  They loved the children very
much, but couldn't think of what to name their children.
Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's
not decide on names right now.  If we wait a little while,
the names will simply occur to us."
 
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife
noticed a peculiar fact.  When left alone, one of the boys
would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would
face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents
positioned the children, the same child always faced the
same direction.  "Let's call the boys Towards and Away,"
suggested the fisherman.  His wife agreed, and from that
point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
 
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong.  The
day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys,
it's time that you learned how to make a living from the
sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes,
and set sail for a three-month voyage.
 
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife,
yet the ship had not returned.  Another three months
passed, and still no ship.
 
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a
lone man walking towards her house.  She recognized him as
her husband. "My goodness!  What has happened to my
darling boys?" she cried.
 
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
 
"We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards
hooked into a great fish.  Towards fought long and hard,
but the fish was more than his equal.  For a whole week
they wrestled upon the waves without either of them
letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win
the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our
ship.  He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of
them again."
 
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible!  What a huge fish
that must of been!  What a horrible fish.  What a
*horrible, horrible* fish!"
 
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got
Away!"
 
                             ***
 
License plate seen in Columbus, Ohio (by yours truly) on a GMC Envoy: DYD 4 ME
(very appropriate for this time of year!)
                             ***
 
Lisa, my co-worker at the travel agency, needed to send a
letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete
fiasco from start to finish.  I reminded her of a similar
situation a year earlier and dug out the letter I'd written
then.
 
"All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details,
the date, and the name."
 
She looked it over and smiled wryly. "We won't even need to
change the name."
 
                              ***
 
A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked
him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was.  He sat
quietly, pondering this profound question.
 
Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and
said, "I think this was the decision George Washington
made prior to crossing the Delaware."
 
                             ***
 

If a man is bald in front, he's a thinker.

If he's bald in the back, he is a lover.

If he's bald in front and back, he thinks he's a lover.

                             ***

My friend and I were celebrating our 40th birthday the same

year. As a gag gift, I gave her a CD by the band UB40. For

my birthday, she retaliated with a CD as well. The group? U2.

                             ***

A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching

large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he

got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving

birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor

used his fishing scales.

The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz.

                                ***

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for

Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those

sporty 4-wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where am I gonna find a fake

Jeep?"

                                  ***

Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the

warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitors' centers

and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to

avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a

bear attacks, and so on.

My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door

of a small gas station in a remote area.  It said: "Warning!

If you are being chased by a bear, don't come in here!"

                              ***

There is no revenge as sweet as forgiveness.

                              ***
 
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was   
two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.   
 
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."   
 
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine   
cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress   
warned her.   
 
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife   
asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."   
 
"How do you want your eggs?"   
 
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the eggs   
home.   
 
                             ***
 
St. Patrick's Day funnies:
 
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with
poison oak?
A rash of good luck.
 
What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?
A Sham Rock.
 
Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
He couldn't afford plane fare.
 
Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck.
 
What do you call an Irishman who keeps bouncing off walls?
Rick O'Shea.
 
Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they're always a little short.

                            ***

"He is no fool who gives that which he cannot keep in order

to gain that which he cannot lose."  Jim Elliott

 
                            ***
 
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud
towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit,
Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out
the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly
how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me
one?"
 
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then
looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly
answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out
his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he
surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a
surveillance satellite system, scanned the area, and then
opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex
formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a
few minutes, received a response.
 
Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,
"You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That is correct; take one
of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man
select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
 
Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" "OK,
why not." answered the young man.
 
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"
 
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned
up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid
for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked,
and you don't know anything about my business. Now give me
back my dog."

                          ***

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention,
so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy,
20-minute speech.

When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he
demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I
finished."

The employee was baffled.  "I wrote you a 20-minute
speech," he replied.  "I also gave you the two extra
copies you asked for."

                           ***

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little
five-year-old Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quite.
Very softly he started to cry until his father noticed him
sobbing.

"What's wrong, little Johnny?" asked his father.

Between sniffles little Johnny replied, "That priest said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home, an-an-and I want
to stay with YOU guys!"

                            ***

When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being
mean. --Unknown

                            ***

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just
"chunky dunk." --Unknown

                            ***

A Texas cattleman on vacation in Australia was in an
outback pub one day, boasting about the size of his ranch.
"Takes me three whole days to ride across mah spread on a
horse."

Old Aussie cattleman on the next stool takes a long, slow
drink and replies, "I had a horse like that once, but I
shot the lazy thing."

                            ***

When life has meaning, you can bear almost anything; without it,
nothing is bearable.

                     ***

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an

embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my

husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher

replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the

churchgoer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever

since he was a child."

                            ***

Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another

lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in

my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on

the defendant's motion?

Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

                             ***

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music

comes out of a bagpipe. --Unknown

                             ***

Arthur was sitting outside a local pub one day, enjoying a

quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a

nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the

evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a

Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the

offensive.

"How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself?

How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol

myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe after-

wards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no

one will know"

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks",

then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and

could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that drunk Nun again, is it?"

                            ***

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what

you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very

close to having a perfect golf swing. --Ben Hogan

                             ***

Following Jesus costs more than anything -- except not following Him.

                             ***

"Champagne for my real friends, and real pain for my sham

friends."  --Ed Norton as Monty Brogan in 25th HOUR.

                             ***

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends

were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke

was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he

was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one

stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple

should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by

streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take

on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room,

Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had

always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that

he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to

room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make

that five."

                             ***

"John Kerry is the Democrat candidate for president. Wow, the

Democrats found an Al Gore without the flash and sizzle."

   --Craig Kilborn

                             ***

A couple years ago I went to a bar with some friends. Above

the bar I noticed a sign that read: "For Sale. 1985 Henway.

Excellent Condition. Make Offer."

So I asked the bartender, "What's a henway?"

He said, "Oh, about three to four pounds."

                             ***

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.  It was

his turn. He rolled the dice and landed on "Science &

Nature." His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and

someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

He thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

                             ***

God's presence produces spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

                             ***

Norman and his blonde wife live in Prince George. One

winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the

announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow

today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of

the street so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio

announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow

today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the

street so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again. The

radio announcer begins, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of

snow today. You must park--," but then the power goes

out.

Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do!"

Norman replys, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage

this time?"

                           ***

"A new medical study says that meat can almost be as bad for

you as smoking. You know what's really bad? Second-hand meat."

  --Jay Leno

                           ***

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in

front of the office, ready to show it off to his

colleagues.  As he got out, a truck came along, too close

to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of

the Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed

911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman

pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any

questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.

His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was

now completely ruined and would never be the same, no

matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop

shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe

how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so

focused on your possessions that you neglect the most

important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Good grief man, don't you even realize

that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the

truck hit you!!!"

"Oh my!" screamed the lawyer, looking down at his missing

arm. "Where's my Rolex?"

                            ***

A man commissioned Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife.

Startled by a huge nonrepresentational image on the canvas,

the woman's husband complained, "That  isn't how she really

looks."

When asked by the great painter how she really looked, the

man produced a photograph from his wallet. Returning the

photo Picasso observed, "Small, isn't she?"

                            ***

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

                          ***

A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and

asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities.

I called several hotels, with no luck. Finally, I thought

I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had

a weight room.

"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby. You can wait there."

                         ***

Would you be more content with six million dollars or six  

children? Six children, certainly. Because a man with six  

million dollars will always want more.  

                         ***

Signs You Might Be Alaskan:

1. You only know four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and

Tabasco.

2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a

snowsuit.

3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.

4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.

6. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.

7. The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than

the toy store at Christmas.

8. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the

door is three feet above the ground.

9. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes

are filled in with snow.

11. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel

nightgown with only eight buttons.

12. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a

meat-processing plant.

14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

16. You think the start of moose season is a national

holiday.

17. You head south to go to your cottage.

18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the

bears won't prowl on your deck.

19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo -- it's

sausage making.

20. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.

21. You find -60 F a little chilly.

22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.

23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your

finest jewelry and your Sorels.

24. You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost

Winter and Construction.

25. You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a

squirrel from 300 yards away.

26. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body

workout.

27. The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus.

28. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all

your Alaskan friends.

                             ***

Why in America do we have a general in charge of the post

office, and a secretary in charge of defense?

                             ***

They say that love makes the world go around, but then so

does a good swallow of tobacco juice.

                             ***

Instead of grumbling because you don't get what you want, be

thankful you don't get what you deserve. 

                             ***

"HBO is developing a new reality show called, "Trailer Park," where the whole thing takes place in a trailer park.  Don't

we have that already?  It's called "Cops."" --Jay Leno

                             ***

After living in our house for four years, we were moving out

of state. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage

door so that we could start loading all of the boxes. Just

then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn

carrying a plate full of muffins.

"Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must

have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff."

The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the

neighborhood!"

                              ***

"I saw a sign that said, 'Coming Soon - a 24-Hour Restaurant'.  

And I thought, Well, that's unusual. Why would they open and  

close it so quickly? At least try it for a week or two, and   

see if you can build a clientele." --George Carlin  

                              ***

Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the

rear or a fool from any direction.

                              ***

At our local funeral home families are given the chance to

chose the music they would like to enter the service to.

One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me

Tender."

The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started

ready for the family to walk in to the service.

Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the

CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to,

"Return to Sender."

***

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said,

"I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry."

He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"

I said, "Well, It's not very absorbent and you won't be able

to get into the corners very well."

***

"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."

  --Henny Youngman

***

Life's burdens are designed not to break us, but to bend us toward God.

***

               Brewster the Rooster

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced.  That took an awful lot of Zeb's time, so Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster.  A very fine specimen he was at that.  But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!!  Zeb went to investigate.

 The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a- ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

 BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. 

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation.  The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but the Pullet Surprise, too!

***

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go

out onto the balcony. "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.

"Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first

blonde.

"Good idea," said the other.

So the both started yelling, "Together! Together!"

***

In the Recent News:

CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide

Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded. (Jay

Leno)

Gasoline prices have gotten so high that women who want to

run over their cheating husbands have started car pooling.

My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for the weekend.

So, I took her down the street to the local Texaco (Jay

Leno)

AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000

employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is

promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job

forwarding.

                               ***

Dr. Schwartz decided to take a week off from the pressures

of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he

reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling:

moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.

Fortunately, Dr. Schwartz was able to jump into a cave

just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had

matches with him and was able to light a fire.

Hours later, when everyone but Dr. Schwartz had returned,

a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several

hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to

investigate.

Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers

yelled, "Dr. Schwartz, are you there? It's the Red Cross."

Bristling, the harried doctor called back, "I already gave

at the office!"

***

"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day

basis." --Margaret Bonnano

***

Dad's pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where

he is an anesthetist.  As he raced toward the hospital, a

patrol car sped up behind him--lights flashing.

Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he

was on an emergency call.

Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response,

dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.

***

On his doctor's orders, Mel had moved to Arizona hoping the

warm, dry weather would do him good. Unfortunately, it didn't.

Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home,

where the undertaker prepared it for the services.

Mel's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care

of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.

"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here."

The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top

half of the casket. He stood back and displayed his work.

"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona

were just the thing for him!"

***

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up.

***

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the

bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her

four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

***

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't stand

another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly

arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would

have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on

a grim statement and said, "I have some bad news. My grand-

father has just died."

"Thank goodness," his date said. "If yours hadn't, mine would've

had to."

***

Grandpa's Wisdom:

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg

depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy

earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not

for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one but the

trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the

past...but never the present.

A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick

to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife

of mine is gonna work."

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew,

make beds, and is in good health...and he's already used

to taking orders.

                                  ***

My sister, Sharon, and I are close, and that allows us to be

honest with each other. As I fidgeted in front of the mirror

one evening before a date, I remarked, "I'm fat."

"No, you're not," she scolded.

"My hair is awful."

"It's lovely."

"I've never looked worse," I whined.

"Yes, you have," she replied.

                             ***

"The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't

want their team to be associated with crime. From now on,

they'll just be known as the Bullets."  --Jay Leno

                             ***

"I think of life as a good book. The further you get into it, the more it begins to make sense."  ...Rabbi Kushner

                             ***

"Remember...a developer is someone who wants to build a house

in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already owns

a house in the woods." --Dennis Miller

                             ***

Seen in a John Deere sales office: The only machine we

don't stand behind is our manure spreader.

                             ***

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept

refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what,"

he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you

name the boat?"

Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went

to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw

painted on the side: "For Sale."

                             ***

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid

to say and then don't say it."  --Sam Levenson

                             ***

"To make a long story short, there's nothing like having a

boss walk in." --Doris Lilly

                             ***

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a

pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him

the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't

realize you were pregnant."

                             ***

There was a physicist who was in the habit of getting home

from work quite late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m.

with a torn shirt, lipstick on his collar, hair messed up,

and generally looking like a wreck. His wife caught him coming

in the door and demanded to know why he came home so late.

His replied, "Well, after I left work today, a few friends

and I went out to the bar for a few drinks. We met up with

some rather good-looking young women and started to drink

to excess. Things just kept happening, as you can well see.

I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed

home."

She screamed, "You liar! You stayed late in the lab again,

didn't you?"

                           ***

You haven't really lived until you're ready to die.

                            ***

A Husband Shopping Center was opened.  It was a store in which a woman could go to choose from among many men for her husband.

It was laid out on five floors, with the men on display increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the store.

A couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. On the first floor, the door had a sign that reads: These men have jobs and love kids. The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

Second floor sign: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm" say the girls. "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor sign: These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework. "Wow!" Say the women "Very tempting. . .  but, there's more further up?" And so again, they go up.

Fourth floor sign: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me. But just think what must be awaiting us further on". So up to the fifth floor they go.

The sign on the fifth floor door reads: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day. !!!

                                ***

My husband's uncle thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and, also, their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

                               ***

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything,

including human beings.  Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he

were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side.  I think I'm

going to have a wife."

                               ***

"My father would say things that made no sense at all, like,

'If I were the last person on earth, some moron would turn

left in front of me.'" --Louie Anderson

                               ***

BIBLE: Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth

                          ***

I had a pastor friend who went into the pulpit one Sunday

morning wearing a pair of new bifocals. The reading portion

of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the

top portion of the glasses didn't work so well. In fact he

was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them.

He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were

causing problems, "I hope you will excuse my continually

removing my glasses," he said. "You see when I look down I

can see fine, but when I look at you, it makes me sick."

                         ***

Top 36 Things You'll Never Hear From a Southern Man:

36. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

35. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a

     family sedan.

34. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

33. We don't keep firearms in this house.

32. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

31. You can't feed that to the dog.

30. I thought Graceland was tacky.

29. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

28. Wrestling's fake.

27. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

26. We're vegetarians.

25. Do you think my gut is too big?

24. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits

     and gravy.

23. Honey, we don't need another dog.

22. Who gives a hoot who won the Civil War?

21. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

20. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

19. Spitting is such a nasty habit.

18. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

17. Trim the fat off that steak.

16. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

15. The tires on that truck are too big.

14. I'll have the arugula and riadicchio salad.

13. I've got it all on the C: drive.

12. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

11. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

10. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

9. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

8. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

7. Checkmate.

6. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't

   seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.

3. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

2. You all.

And, Number ONE is:

1. Duct tape won't fix that.

                           ***

When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after

some minor repairs, I paid by check as usual. A couple of

weeks later I came home from work to find my fiancee quite

upset. She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out

why she was so angry. She had noticed the canceled check,

and on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."

                           ***

A man is lost in the desert.  He used up the last of his

water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand,

when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling

"Mush! Mush!"

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is

again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!"

Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun

and sees, of all things, an Eskimo in a fur coat driving a

sled with a team of huskies across the dunes.  Thinking that

it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but

it's for real!  He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked

voice calls, "He-elp!"

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in

the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what

you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are!  I've been

wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone

and I'm completely lost!"

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "You think

YOU'RE lost!"

                           ***

To the world you may be one person, but to one person

you may be the world!

                           ***

For our flight to the Far East, my wife and I checked in at

the Korean Air counter at Los Angeles International Airport.

As the smiling Korean woman processed our tickets, my wife

asked, "Are they good seats?"

"They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You

will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your companion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."

                               ***

The shoe dealer was interviewing a potential salesman.

"Suppose," he said, "a lady customer were to remark while

you were trying to fit her, 'Don't you think one of my

feet is bigger than the other?' What would you say?"

"I would say, 'On the contrary, Ma'am, one is smaller

than the other.'"

"The job is yours."

                              ***

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was

time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet

seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his

favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work

carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but

his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I

accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in

the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no

accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of

those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place

directly in front of the bakery.'"

"And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around

the block, there it was!"

                              ***

I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver

for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Air-

fare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.

"And what about Salt Lake City?"

"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there

is a stopover."

"Where?" I asked.

"Denver."

                             ***

Never fear criticism when you're right; never ignore it when you're wrong.

A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At

the end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have

it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport.

The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert you at South

Bend?"

The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"

                             ***

"One time we were driving through a construction zone and the

sign said, SPEED LIMIT 35 AHEAD. And there were four of us in

the car. We were through there in no time." --Geechy Guy

                             ***

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High

School, I've learned that even the brightest students can

become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to

drive for 30 minutes. When the first student completed his

time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he

asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?"

                               ***

A tobacco company sent Dave several packages of cigarettes

with the explanation: "We are sending you some of our finest

cigarettes. We hope you enjoy them and will want more."

After several months the tobacco company received this reply

from Dave: "I got your cigarettes and soaked them in a quart

of water which I sprayed on my bug-infested rosebushes.

Every bug died!

These cigarettes make best poison ever! Please send me some

more next month in case any bugs survived."

                              ***

My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots

as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning

and finally had gotten her boots. "Tina," I commented, "I see

you got new boots! Where did you get them?"

"At the store," she answered.

"Which one?" I asked.

She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said,

"Both of them!"

                              ***

Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it's thinking of yourself less.

.... Rick Warren (The Purpose-Driven Life)

                          ***

Building Muscles for Keyboard Jockeys

For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require
sitting at a computer all day) that don't want to spend
the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a
little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three
days a week works well.

Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five
pound potato sack in each hand extend your arms straight
out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and
then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where
you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand
and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be
careful not to overdo it.

                              ***

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in
which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for
various words.

The following were some of the winning entries:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you
have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up
after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by
a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your
soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

                          ***

I made myself a snowball,
as perfect as could be.

I thought I'd keep it as a pet,
and let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas,
and a pillow for its head,

But then last night it ran away,
but first -- it wet the bed.

                         ***

Life is more than the things we store.

                         ***

I thought you might enjoy this discovery about humming.  Hmmmmm...I just may try humming more often myself, after reading this!  Bill)

Health Dispatch / Dr. David Williams

Instead of whistling a happy tune, try humming. Researchers at the Karolinska Hospital in Sweden discovered that humming increases ventilation in the paranasal sinus cavities. This is significant because your sinuses are major producers of nitric oxide, which helps dilate capillary beds and increase blood flow.

When nitric oxide levels were measured during humming, researchers found that they were 15 times higher than during normal breathing. Even more amazing is the fact that humming dramatically increased the exchange of gas in the nasal sinuses.

During humming, the gas exchange between the nasal passages and the sinuses was 98 percent during just one exhalation, almost a complete exchange. During normal exhalation, without humming, the gas exchange rate was only 4 percent.

Why does this matter? Poor gas exchange and poor circulation in the sinus cavities promote the perfect environment for bacterial growth and infections. Based on the results of this study, the researchers feel that daily breathing exercises involving humming could help reduce the incidence of sinusitis and upper respiratory infections. (Am J Respir Crit Care Med 02;166(2):131-2)

When you hum, you feel the vibration along the roof of your mouth and in your nasal cavity and sinuses. It's amazing that this simple sound vibration can have such a profound effect on the exchange of gases and circulation in your upper respiratory tract. This phenomenon undoubtedly is linked to the increased mental clarity experienced by individuals who hum mantras during meditation. I suspect that humming various sounds for long periods of time would increase blood flow and oxygenation in the brain.

If you suffer from chronic sinus problems, try humming several times a day on a regular basis, and see if you don't notice an improvement. In fact, it appears that a little humming would probably do us all some good, especially during winter. It beats a flu shot any day of the week.

Till Next Time,

Dr. David Williams

                          ***

David Beckham, the famous English soccer player, is teaching

his new son Romeo the finer points about soccer. After a

while Romeo asks his Dad what number he should have on his

uniform when he starts playing for a team.

David replied "Wear 4 out there Romeo."

                       ***

Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ

in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage.

Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."

                       ***

Top Ten of Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship

10. Do these steps go up or down?

9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they

    melt?

8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?

6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?

5. Does the ship make its own electricity?

4. Is it salt water in the toilets?

3. What elevation are we at?

2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and

    displays them the next day... the question asked...If the

    pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?

1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?

                       ***

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The

teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to

swallow a human because even though it was a very large

mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated

that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not

swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little

girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

When the teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?", the

little girl replied, "Then you can ask him."

                       ***

Most of us are just not young enough to know everything.

                       ***

Driving down the highway one day, I saw this slogan on the

back of a well-known trucking company's vehicle: "We

Always Go the Extra Mile."

Then I noticed another phrase scrawled in the dirt just

below it: "That's Because We Missed the Last Exit"

                         ***

Travel Guide

TOUR GUIDE TERM .....and the...... TRANSLATION

Old world charm ........... No bath

Tropical .................. Rainy

Majestic setting .......... A long way from town

Options galore ............ Nothing is included in the itinerary

Secluded hideaway ......... Impossible to find or get to

Pre-registered rooms ...... Already occupied

Explore on your own ....... Pay for it yourself

Knowledgeable trip hosts .. They've flown in an airplane before

No extra fees ............. No extras

Nominal fee ............... Outrageous charge

Standard .................. Sub-standard

Deluxe .................... Standard

Superior .................. One free shower cap

All the amenities ......... Two free shower caps

Plush ..................... Top and bottom sheets

Gentle breezes ............ Occasional Gale-force winds

Light and airy ............ No air conditioning

Picturesque ............... Theme park nearby

                        ***

"Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me,

but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries

are neutral." --Robert Orben

                        ***

Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer,

I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see

that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my

first dates with my husband.

When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at

that!" he said. "It's my old Plymouth!"

                        ***

When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant,

it was crowded. I went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it

be long?"

The hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book. I asked

again, "How much of a wait?"

The woman looked up and said, "About ten minutes."

short time later, we heard an announcement over the loud-

speaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is ready."

                        ***

God forgets the things we remember; He remembers the things we forget.

                        ***

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on

strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the

Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist

over there to read the picket signs!

                       ***

My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of

three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day

very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter

his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you

so?"

He answered, "It's not fair that I'm not allowed to go to

the library."

His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't

you allowed to go to the library?"

With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to

the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear

glasses!"

                       ***

A young couple drove several miles down a country road,

not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an

argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband

sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

                       ***

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his

sons Cain and Abel.

As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the

boys asked, "Father, what's that?"

Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of

house and home."

                       ***

Dining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers

boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table.

Toward their end of their meal, one of them got up and

produced a camera.

"Hey, wait a minute," one of her companions said. "You

have to be in the picture too."

When I approached and asked if I could help, the girl who

owned the camera was delighted. I snapped a picture of the

group and then, being unfamiliar with the camera, I asked

her, "Do you want me to take another in case that one

doesn't come out?"

"Oh, no, that's okay," she chirped innocently. "I always

get double prints."

                      ***

Your love doesn't sustain your marriage ... your marriage sustains your love.

                      ***

It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where

I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would

mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for

my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and

can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving

to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the

sister-to-be, answered.

"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?"

Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have

a delivery for her."

The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She

shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"

                              ***

My friend had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift.

Aha, she thought, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my

wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith

and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila,

one cheap wedding present."

She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her

monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined

the tray carefully, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can

only be done so many times!"

                              ***

Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's

reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."

"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to

him. "What is your first name?"

"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got

it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."

                               ***

Remember:  Keep the faith...but not from others.

                           ***

When short hemlines came back into fashion, I dug an old

miniskirt out of my closet. I tried it on, but couldn't

figure out what to do with my other leg.

                            ***

A guy walks into a coat-and-tie-only restaurant and asks

to be seated. The waiter says, "Sir, you don't have a coat

or a tie."

So, the guy goes out to his truck and gets a jacket. When

he comes back in, he asks, "May I be seated?"

The waiter replies, "Sir, you don't have a tie."

So, the guy goes back out to his truck and puts some

jumper cables around his neck. He comes back in and says,

"Now may I be seated?"

The waiter says, "OK, but don't start anything."

                             ***

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered

to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride,

they finally reached their destination.

The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"

"Anytime," her daughter replied.

As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to

you. I was talking to God."

                              ***

Some people give and forgive; others get and forget.

                             ***

Driving home after working late the other day, I was stopped

by a police officer for speeding. I explained that I was

rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary,

which was the truth.

However, instead of being let off with a warning, the officer

said "Congratulations!" and then proceeded to write out the

ticket. As he handed it to me, he said, "The first year is

paper, right?"

                      ***

Report from The Washington Post, in which they asked readers

to come up with absurd warning labels for common products.

Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby

out with bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R)

throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use

as a home pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as

a flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata: On a cup of

McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin

area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

                      ***

In any organization, there will always be one person who

knows what's going on; This person must be fired.

                      ***

When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day,

sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when

we found out there was a bus.

                      ***

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite

delicate and elegant, especially  in her language.  She

and her husband were planning a week's vacation in

Arizona; so she wrote to a travel trailer court and asked

for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped,

but didn't quite know how to ask about the "toilet"

facilities.  She just couldn't bring herself to write the

word "toilet" in her letter.  After much deliberation, she

finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom

commode".  So, she started all over again and referred to

the bathroom commode merely as the B.C.  "Does the camp-

ground have its own B.C."? is what she actually wrote.

Well, the court manager, Herman, wasn't old-fashioned

at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure

out what the woman was talking about.  That B.C. business

really had him stumped.

After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter

to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the

lady meant either.  So, he finally came to the conclusion

that the lady must be asking about the location of the

Baptist Church.  He sat down and wrote the following

reply:

Dear Madam:

I regret the delay in answering your letter, but now take

pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located 9 miles

north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people

at one time.  I admit, it is quite a distance away if you

are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will

be pleased to know that a great number of people take their

lunches along and make a day of it.  They usually arrive

early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was 6 years ago and it was

so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.

It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper

planned to raise money to buy more seats.  They are going

to hold it in the basement of the B.C.  I would like to say

it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly,

but it is surely no lack of desire on my part.  As we grow

older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in

cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I

could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and

introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community.

                      ***

The storms of our life can prove the strength of our anchor.

                       ***

"According to a survey on Match.com, 37% of single people

think splitting the check is okay on a dinner date.  The

other 63% were women." --Jay Leno

                       ***

"I don't have a fear of flying. I have a fear of crashing."

  -Eccentric actor BILLY BOB THORNTON's down-to-earth phobia.

                       ***

A rancher was helping one of his cows give birth, when he

noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence,

wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.

The rancher thought to himself, "Great, now I'm gonna

have to explain the 'birds and bees'.  Well, no need to

jump the gun. I'll just let him ask the questions and I'll

answer as best I can."

After everything was over, the rancher walked over to his

son and said, "Well, son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was

that calf going when he hit the cow?"

                        ***

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which

I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."

  --Jack Handey

                        ***

A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at

Runnymede, England.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot

where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna

Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks,

"When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed

it by a half hour!"

                          ***

It's not our job to get people to like us, it's our job to like people.

                          ***

When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated

father, shaking his head, "I was disciplined by being sent

to my room without supper.  But our son has his own color

TV, phone, computer and CD player."

"So what do you do when your son misbehaves?" asked his

friend.

"I send him to our room!"

                          ***

During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I

routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself

with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence

aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex

gear.

A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat

screen, Sir," the soldier said.  "We use it to relay enemy

information to the crew--like instant messaging."

Nodding, I moved down the line.  Flashing on an airman's

screen several feet away was this warning:  "Heads up! The

colonel's on the way!"

                          ***

Bob was telling his friend Joe about his vacation in France.

Bob talked about how lovely the Eiffel Tower was, the exquisite

works of art at the Louvre, the Notre Dame, and of course, the

beautiful French women. Joe asked Bob, "Was there anything you

didn't like about France?"

"Well," Bob replies, "there was one thing that was strange

about it. In France, anything you eat, anything you drink,

even the air that you breathe over there cleans out your

colon. I mean, it REALLY cleans your colon out." So Joe says,

"Gee, with France like that, who needs enemas?"

                          ***

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like two

pounds of Polish sausage, please."

The clerk asks if the guy is Polish.

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me

ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would

you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German

bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I asked

for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or,

if I had asked for a chorizo, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no."

With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well,

all right then! Why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because

I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is a dry cleaners."

                          ***

I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly-

assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter

that escorts cruise ships and international vessels under the

bridges in California's Bay Area. But what my father told his

friend was, "She's involved in some sort of escort service."

                        ***

The best TV Guide is the Bible

                        ***

After my 11 year old son did something really dumb, I

called him a "moron." He looked at me like he was saying,

"Dad, do you know anything?"

He finally said "Dad I looked 'moron' up in the dictionary

and the definition of it is 'a person who has the

intelligence of a 12 year old.' Thanks Dad, you just gave

me a compliment!"

                        ***

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a

sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass

door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep

on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are

supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly

doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world

would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign,

people kept tripping over him."

                        ***

NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on

sending to Mars.  The touchy part was that only one guy

could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would

never return to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer,

how much he wanted to be paid for going.

"One million dollars," the engineer answered.  "And I want

to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked

him the same question.

"Two millions dollars," the doctor said.  "I want to give

a million to my family and leave the other million for the

advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer.  When asked how much

money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear,

"Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give

you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the

engineer."

                         ***

Christmas was fast approaching when my good friend Dawn re-

minded her eight-year-old son Ken that he would soon be

visiting with Santa Claus.

He seemed unusually resistant to the idea. "You do believe

in Santa, don't you?" She finally asked her son.

He thought hard, then said, "Yes, but I think this is the

last year."

                         ***

Those who follow the crowd soon become part of the crowd.

                           ***

"A New York fitness expert has released an exercise book for

nuns called, "Changing Habits:  The Sister's Workout."  The

Vatican rejected the original title, "Nuns of Steel.""

 --Conan O'Brien

                             ***

"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my

friends told me she was in labor for thirty-six hours. I don't

even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours."

   --Rita Rudner

                             ***

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II,

and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious

assault of all time?"

Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found

instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."

                             ***

My wife clipped a job listing out of the paper for me. She

said it wasn't much to start out... but a huge pay raise.

It read, "Salary: 23k to start. 401k after 1 yr."

                             ***

Signs found in the kitchen:

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ...  Adjust!

I clean house every other day.  Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is

delirious.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they

shall never cease to be amused.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and

gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen ...  just vending

machines.

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a

speed bump.

                             ***

Christians never say goodbye to each other for the last time.

*** 

One of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body

shop was a car needing a new fender and some door repairs.

I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came

to pick it up, he wasn't pleased.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint

not matching, uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other

problems. He demanded an explanation.

"The repairs were to the other side," I noted.

                                ***

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her

fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take

up yoga.

She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her

friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite

them instead."

                                ***

Q:  How do you tickle a rich girl?

A:  Say, "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"

                                ***

When they say "instant credit," don't they actually mean

"instant debt"?

                                ***

I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe somebody can adopt

you.

                                ***

Martha Stewart's recipe for chicken casserole is boil

the chicken in water then Dump The Stock.

                                ***

Beware - the more you look at temptation, the better it looks!

                               ***

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and
was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and
threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him
to take it before he went to bed.

That night, Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the
morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully
to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

                        ***

The newspaper where I worked had just announced that when
its new building was completed, the old one would be donated
to the United Way. A few days later, someone came into our
office soliciting contributions to that same organization.

"I'm sorry," one reporter quipped. "We gave the office."

                        ***

A group of expectant fathers sat nervously in the hall. A
nurse beckoned to one of them and said, "Congratulations,
you have a son!"

Another man dropped his magazine, jumped up and cried, "Hey,
what's the idea? I got here two hours before he did!"

                        ***

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Txes M&A Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in
the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can
sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn
mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as
a wlohe.

                        ***

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I
called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to
pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was
carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other,
which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the
check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

"Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound
accusatory.

"Yep," he replied proudly. "not bad for just a walk from the
living room and back!"

                        ***

The cruise ship docked at a Mexican port during a very high
tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow
gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. The staff
stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the
top of the plank.

There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged
along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to
everyone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked
back to the top of the gangplank and shouted, "It's okay,
Mother, you can come down now."

                        ***

When you've reached your wit's end, you'll find that God lives there.

                         ***

Animal Thoughts:

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they
don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh
boy! Fish flakes!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns
ever really give me a cracker? I DON'T THINK SO!"

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

                     ***

There's an old truism about how men and women relate. It goes
like this:

A man marries a woman hoping that she will never change, and
she does. A woman marries a man hoping that he will change,
and he doesn't. Funny, isn't it?

                     ***

"What a hotel we're staying at! The towels are so big and
fluffy, you can hardly close your suitcase!"

                     ***

"There is a new type of alarm clock on the market. It makes
no noise. It uses lights and gets brighter and brighter until
you wake up. I already have one of these. It's called a
window!" --Jay Leno

                     ***

WASINGTON, D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new Alabama quarters
if you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The U.S. Treasury announced it is recalling all of the Alabama
quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from
each state. The quarters are being issued in the order in which
the various states joined the U.S.

"We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were recently
issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday.

"This action is being taken after numerous reports that new
quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending
machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

"The problem lies in a design flaw," Shackleford said.

The winning design was submitted by an Auburn University student.

"Apparently," Shackleford said, "the duct tape holding the two
dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated
devices."

                     ***

Safety is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of God.

                      ***

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to

start drinking. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on

the floor.

The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the

bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"

The man replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."

                        ***

An older Jewish man is on the operating table awaiting

surgery. He has insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon,

perform the operation. He is about to receive the

anesthesia when he asks to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, do your best, and just remember, if it

doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother

is going to come and live with you and your wife."

                        ***

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San

Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on

display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze

sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and

unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it

costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner,

"and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll

take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist

leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm.

As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live

rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind

him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to

walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain,

more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred

rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and

shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot

as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant

lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the

waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to

run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up,

squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so

that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge

a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post,

grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat

into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can

heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light

post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats

surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique

shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story,"

says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a

bronze lawyer."

                        ***

"Imagine that, seven million people all wanting to live

together. New York must be the friendliest place there is."

  --Paul Hogan as Michael Dundee in "Crocodile Dundee"

                        ***

A radio DJ was introducing a record. "This next one," he said,

"is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey,

Charlotte, congratulations on a ripe old age!"

There was a short pause and then the DJ said in a somewhat

more subdued voice, "I'm sorry, I got it wrong. This next

one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill."

                        ***

True faith needs no feelings to rest upon.

                        ***

During lunch, an ad for a lending institution came on the
television set in our employees' lounge. As the commercial
extolled the pleasures of extra money, I remarked that there
was no such thing as "extra" money.

"Yes, there is," my supervisor retorted. "It's what you have
right before your car breaks down."

                          ***

Many patients call the pathology group where I am office
manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman
demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her
statement.

Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her
bill, I read, "No. 1, urinalysis."

She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?"

                        ***

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and
yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"

Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied, "One."

                         ***

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.
"Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for
dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the
recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because
it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out
right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special
for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have
gone wrong?"

Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go
through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me
exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll
figure it out."

"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take
fifty cents worth of ground beef' ..."

                         ***

An English professor announced to the class; "There are
two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and
the other is cool."

From the back of the room a voice called out, "Yeah? So,
what are the words?"

                        ***

Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put
in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal.
--Steven Wright

                        ***

It seems like every time our piano tuner John comes to our
house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings.
I agree with him that it should be done every six months,
but I don't really think about it until the piano sounds
off-key.

The last time he came over I was on the defensive. "If you
sent out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared,
"I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely
fashion."

He looked at me and said, "From now on, when the dentist sends
you a postcard, call me."

                             ***

Rather than complain about the thorns on roses, be thankful
for roses among the thorns.

                             ***    

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had

been friends for years would always cry "Aye!" and blow

their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that

for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've

never heard of... an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

                             ***

"It's better to have loved and lost a short person than never

to have loved a tall." --David Chambless

                             ***

It was rush hour, and the city bus filled until the aisle was

jammed with standing commuters. One woman, precariously

balanced on spike heels, clung to a handgrip. Suddenly the

bus took a sharp corner, flinging her across the laps of two

seated male passengers. There was silence and all eyes turned

on the threesome.

Laughter erupted as the quick-witted woman righted herself

and quipped, "All these years I thought I was British, and

now I find I'm a Laplander!"

                            ***

Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular

truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone

went out of commission.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. So Bill came

up with an idea.

After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company

and told them there was no longer a rush. The phone was

now working fine... except that all money was being

returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!

                            ***

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the

one that says..."If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-

GAMBLER." So, I call them and say, "I have an ace and a six.

The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

                            ***

You won't fall for what's wrong if you stand for what's right.

                            ***

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few

minutes.

When she returned, she found the children in perfect order.

Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen

anything like it before.  This is wonderful.  But, please

tell me, what came over all of you?  Why are you so well

behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and

said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back

and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

                         ***

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two

new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and

one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like

that?"

Whereupon the blonde responded, "What else are you gonna name

watch dogs?"

                         ***

Senior personal ads:

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,

80's, slim,5'4" used to be 5-6), searching for

sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white

shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried

fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a

six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath

not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises,

the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent

type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and

enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth

seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on

the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to

cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to

play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a

groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my

eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.

If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put

our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition,

some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea,

valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

                      ***

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour

Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help

and sent an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list

of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."

"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with

me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and

board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets

$500 a week plus room and board."

"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.

"Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about

eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give

him chewing tobacco."

"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!"

"You're talkin' to him," said the farmer.

                      ***

Are your troubles causing you to LOSE your religion...or USE your religion?

                       ***

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to

see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a

laugh, he went inside and sat down.

"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.

"I see you are the father of two children."

"That's what you think", the man laughed. I'm the father of

THREE children."

The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"

                         ***

  "I never drink water because of the disgusting things that

fish do in it." --W.C. Fields

                         ***

"I was thinking about how the status symbol of today is

those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't

afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener."

                         ***

My brother-in-law was puzzled by the odd messages left on

his answering machine.  Day after day, friends and family

would talk and then say, "Beep."  He discovered the reason

for the joke when he decided to listen to his greeting.

"Hi," it said. "I'm not in right now, so please leave a beep

after the message."

                         ***

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on

a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip

a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next

time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing

nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my

instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was

going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

                         ***

Some people stop looking for work when they find a job.

                         ***                           

Bob phones home from his office and says to his wife,

"I have the chance to go fishing for a week.  It's the

opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away.

Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially

my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick

them up."

Bob rushes home to grab everything.  He hugs his wife,

apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, Bob returns and his wife asks, "Did you

have a good trip, dear?"

Bob replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot

to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them

in your tackle box...."

                          ***

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He

took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the

bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the

surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before

long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his

problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the

bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated

by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the

bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a

good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I

suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white

wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the

Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then

he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The

Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.

"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

                         ***

A student comes to a young professor's office after

hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels

pleadingly.   "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes

meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... anything!!!"

He returns her gaze.  "Anything???"

"Yes...Anything!!!"

His voice turns to a whisper: "Would you...study?"

                         ***

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His

sobbing wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?"

the man asks.

"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when

the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the

phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went

up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it

out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone........"

"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?"

                         ***

If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn off the sound.

                         ***

A hospital posted a notice in the nurse's lounge saying:

"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life

are the most dangerous."

Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty

risky, too."

                         ***

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David

and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is

essential that husbands and wives know the things that are

important to each other.

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite

flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm and whispered,

"Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?"

                         ***

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of

mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't

remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a

sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself

on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I

was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that

problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the

table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

                         ***

A  man from Arkansas and a man from WV bought a business together in Little Rock.  The guy from Arkansas had an apartment across the street from the store, but the guy from WV lived out of town.  The fellows had bought a new flashing neon sign which they turned off each night at midnight when they closed their business in order to save money.

One morning around 1:00am the WV fellow called the guy from Arkansas and asked him to look out the window and check to see if they'd turned off the  sign before leaving the store.  The Ark. fellow looked out the window and said, "Yeah we did, no we didn't, yeah we did, no we didn't..."

                         ***

Giving is the true measure of love.

                        ***  

A southern belle was looking to buy a house. The seller said,

"This house hasn't got a flaw in it!"

The southern belle replied, "My lands! What do y'all walk on?"

                        ***

"The shortest distance between two points is usually under

construction." --Wayne H.

                        ***

When my wife and I went up to New England a couple of years

ago we decided to stay in one of those quaint little inns.

The clerk at the inn asked me if we wanted a room with a

shower or a tub.

"What's the difference?" I asked.

"Well, sir, in a tub, you can sit down."

                        ***

The Hebrew school teacher was describing how Lot's wife

looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little

David interrupted.

"My Mommy looked back once while she was DRIVING," he

announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone

pole!"

                        ***

I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England.

My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we

ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often

took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly vistors

would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.

One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said

to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"

Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every

crumb. Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is

me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"

                        ***

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious

woman. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar

today," she said.

"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.

"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

                        ***

Birthdays are good for you ... the more you have, the longer you live.

                            ***

Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home.  He knocked on

the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the door and saw the priest.

He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"

                               ***

"They are now reporting that the Grand Canyon is having a financial crisis.

They say there might not be enough money to keep it going.  How did the Grand

Canyon make it this far?"

  --Jay Leno

                               ***

Teacher:  “Who can define lottery for me?”

Johnny:  “I can, I can…”

Teacher: “OK, Johnny, go for it.”

Johnny: “That’s where 5 million stupid people make one stupid person look smart.”

***

My uncle was giving me the grand tour of his house. The bathrooms had excessively mirrored walls but his wife preferred not to look at herself in such a compromising position.  She even went so far as to place a "modesty plant" so that it obscured the view.

Now I don't think there is anything wrong with mirrored walls in the bathroom.  I told my uncle:  "You should be able to sit and reflect."

***

Worry casts a big shadow behind a small thing.

***

"In Mesa, AZ, police arrested a 71 year-old woman for running

an amphetamine lab from a retirement home.  The staff became

suspicious when several of the residents were seen staying up

after 7:30 pm." --Conan O'Brien

***

Real-Life Classified Ads:

-------------------------

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings,

555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle.  Reward.  Neutered.  Like one of

the family.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;

Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs

and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old.  Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra

pair to take home, too.

***

Two paramedics were dispatched to check on an elderly man

who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the

hospital for evaluation.

En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to

determine his level of awareness.

Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing

right now?"

The old man slowly looked out the ambulance window. "Oh,"

he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

***

"Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the

presence of witnesses." --Margaret Millar

***

"And that's the world in a nutshell, an appropriate receptacle."

  --Stan Dunn

***

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you

if you could know how seldom they do." --Olin Miller

***

A couple came to the police department, wanting to dispose of

some ammunition. They handed the desk officer a wooden box

and said that it contained two shells an uncle had given them

as souvenirs from World War II.

"We didn't know what to do with them," the woman explained.

"So all these years, we've kept the shells in the bottom

drawer of the china cabinet, away from our children."

The officer assured the couple he'd dispose of the ammunition

safely. But when he took one out of the box the top came off,

revealing a strange black substance. His suspicions aroused,

the officer removed the top of the other shell and found a

hard white substance.

There was no doubt about it. They were souvenir salt and

pepper shakers.

***

True faith needs no feelings to rest upon.

***

A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion

to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he

received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699

instead.

Furious at the factory's incompetence, he promptly sent

the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of

his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back

with a letter containing just four words: "TURN THE PART

OVER."

***

"I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't

true." --Dorothy Parker

***

"Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said he would be

willing to serve another term.  Greenspan went on to say,

'Where else would I get a job in this economy?'"

  --Conan O'Brien

***

A fellow walks into a bar, and it's empty except for the

bartender at the other end of the bar washing some

glasses.  The bartender says, "Have a seat anywhere and

I'll be with you in a few minutes.  There's a bowl of

peanuts on the counter, have some while you wait."

So the fellow sits down and grabs a handful of peanuts,

but he hears someone say, "Hey, that's a sharp suit you've

got on." Well, the bar is empty, so the guy wonders where

in the world that voice is coming from.

He takes another handful of peanuts, and again, a voice

says, "And that's a nice tie that goes really well with

that suit." By now the fellow is really baffled.  The

bartender comes over and says, "Ok, what'll you have,

mister?"

The fellow says, "Listen, before I order, I want to ask

you a question. Where are those voices coming from?"

The bartender replies, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, the

peanuts are complimentary."

***

The young lady said to Grandpa, "I noticed that when you

sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your

mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my

teeth???"

***

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can

do him absolutely no good."

  --Samuel Johnson, lexicographer (1709-1784)

"I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days

attack me at once." --Jennifer Unlimited

***

"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be." --Peter De Vries

***

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed an

embarrassing case of hiccups. When he reached the teller's

window, the hiccups seemed to have gotten worse. The teller

took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer

verification of his account. After a minute she looked up

from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be

unable to cash his check.

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates

that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount.

As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your

account overdrawn in excess of $5000."

"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"

"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his

cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."

[And this is how you get yourself punched in the face.]

***

In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a

red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she

bring her dog in for a proper fit.

"I can't do that!" the lady said. "The sweater is a

surprise!"

***

"Never be afraid to tell the world who you are." --Anonymous

       (this one may take a minute to get)

***

As you go through life, concentrate on the roses instead of the thorns.

***

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said,

"My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and

he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not

only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years,

but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled

next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

***

"Johnny," said his teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton

and you pay your dealer $24, how many tons will he bring you?"

"A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny.

"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.

"No, ma'am, I know it isn't," said Johnny, "but they all do

it."

***

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether

men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man,

scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have

kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has

kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

***

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher

was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the

group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all

grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or

'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And

there's the teacher; she's dead."

***

We can learn more from sorrow than from laughter.

***

When I was younger, I hated going to weddings.  After the

wedding and during the reception, my aunts and the

grandmotherly types would come up to me and poke me in the

ribs, cackling, "You're next."

Finally they stopped, when I started doing the same to

them at funerals!

***

One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a

restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the

car.  He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat

hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one.

There were none to be found.

John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away

and returned with a hanger.  After a few attempts, he got

the door open and we climbed in.  As we sat there, soaked

and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat.  With a smug

grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have

one."

***

"In order to feel safer on his private jet, actor John Travolta

purchased a bomb-sniffing dog. Unfortunately for the actor the

dog came six movies too late." --Tina Fey

***

On their 30th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the

reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said,

"I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no

"I" in 'marriage.'"

The wife said, "And for my part, I have never corrected my

husband's spelling."

***

A man sees a job ad posted on a construction site, "Handy

man wanted; apply within."

So he does and speaks to the foreman.

"Can you drive a Bobcat?" the foreman asks.

"No."

"Can you plaster?"

"No."

"Have you ever done any carpentry?"

"No."

"If you don't mind me asking," says the foreman, "what's so

handy about you?"

"Well, I only live about five minutes down the road..."

***

We don't need more to be thankful for, we just need to be more thankful.

***

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning

heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's

with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get

something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup,

so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough

with a bottle of laxative!"

The clerk replies, "Of course you can!  Look at him.  He's

too afraid to cough!"

***

The Secretary of the Navy was inspecting a recently launched

carrier. The entire 3,000 plus crew stood at attention.

"I suppose," said the Secretary jokingly to the carrier's

captain, "you know the name of every man on the ship."

"I think I do," was the captain's unexpected reply.

"A'ha," smiled the Secretary.  "What's the name of that man?"

he asked, pointing to a sailor standing two rows away.

"That's William Jones," replied the captain.

The Secretary walked over and addressed the seaman himself.

"And what's your name, sailor?" he asked.

"William Jones, sir," replied Seaman Abernathy.

***

John came home from the office and found his wife Jill sobbing.

"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your

suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled John. "Remember that I've got an extra

pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said Jill, drying her eyes.

"I used them to patch the hole."

***

The Father knocked on the bathroom door where his teenage

daughter had been taking a bath for over an hour.

"Cindy! Just how long will you be in that bathtub?"

From the other side of the door came an exasperated reply:

"Oh Daddy! Water affects your weight, not your height. I'm

still 5'4"!"

***

Using our few days wisely can make an eternal difference.

***

A junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches

and pains.

Neither one could account for his trouble. Arriving home

from work one night, he informed her.

"I finally discovered why I've been feeling so miserable. We

got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I

just learned today that I've been sitting in the wastebasket.

***

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk

my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never

had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat.

You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything

else."

The boy stared wide eyed and said, "Yes."

The father continued, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal. It's called golf."

~/~/~/~/~